Easing her into sex

_X_

I have somewhat of a problem at the moment. It isnt something super important but it is something that I wouldnt mind a few suggestions about.
Before I started to date my girlfriend she hadnt been with anyone, I was pretty much her first boyfriend and was her first anything sexual. About a month or so ago she felt as though she was ready for sex. Knowing that it was her first time I took it slow yet she still had pain and miscomfort, I know that would happen so I passed it off. However, she still gets the pain even now and we use lube and everything. This is causing her to not enjoy sex at all and I dont want her to be thinking that it's anything bad.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I could do differently in the future to help make things go a bit smoother so she'd actually enjoy it? Last time there was between 10-15 minutes foreplay then condom with lube applied to it as well as her. Anything I should change?

drxand?

more foreplay?

its hard to say, i mean if shes getting into it except for the pain then i suppose you might need to cross that boundry and get her over the pain and then perhaps things in the future will be less painful

or maybe she'll always be in pain due to body type?

Seattle Thread

Bump the foreplay up to an hour and a half.

Feral

drxand? wrote:

its hard to say, i mean if shes getting into it except for the pain then i suppose you might need to cross that boundry and get her over the pain and then perhaps things in the future will be less painful

Don't make this assumption. If she comes to associate sex with vaginal pain, it could cause the muscles down there to reflexively tighten every time she tries to have sex. The feedback loop could lead to vaginismus later in life.

Really, more foreplay. Get her comfortable with penetration by using a single finger during cunnilingus. Go slowly. Try some sensate focus play. Don't put too much pressure on her; it isn't a race and understand that she may never be able to accept penetration.

Make it about her pleasure.

_X_

Alright, thanks for the advice, I'll take some more time next time it comes around.

drxand?

Feral wrote:

drxand? wrote:

its hard to say, i mean if shes getting into it except for the pain then i suppose you might need to cross that boundry and get her over the pain and then perhaps things in the future will be less painful

Don't make this assumption. If she comes to associate sex with vaginal pain, it could cause the muscles down there to reflexively tighten every time she tries to have sex. The feedback loop could lead to vaginismus later in life.

Really, more foreplay. Get her comfortable with penetration by using a single finger during cunnilingus. Go slowly. Try some sensate focus play. Don't put too much pressure on her; it isn't a race and understand that she may never be able to accept penetration.

Make it about her pleasure.

true, i didnt express my intent with words properly, finger and then perhaps 2 once shes able to take it is more along the lines of what i meant, but i guess i should have gone into detail

so yeah, dont just jam your dick in her and tell her to get over the pain
thats a bad idea

Raggaholic

Two things. I know you're her first everything, but she may not actually be ready to have sex yet. She may say she is because she wants to make you happy, or she may just mistakenly think she is, but the reality could easily be that she's not.

Also, find out about her abuse history. That could also be playing a major role here.

seraphiminia

More foreplay! And make sure that you get some fingers in there. Make sure she's feeling good, and that she actually does want to have sex, and not just do what you want.

Also, what lube are you using? KY sucks. Try Astroglide, if that's not what you're already using.

EclecticGroove

Also, as I said in another thread awhile back.
If you are using condoms (and you damn well better be!), try switching to the polyurithane type if you are not already using it, she may have a mild latex allergy that will pretty much always make it a bit uncomfortable for her.

FreddyD

I think she should see a gynecologist first, because the pain may signify some type of serious problem.

If there is nothing physically wrong with your gf the next step would be to go to a sex counselor and follow their professional advice (which will likely be similar to Feral's) It may take months (or years) before she can be penetrated without experiencing pain.

Mr_Rose

Whoops, just thought of something; you're not hitting her cervix are you?
We hear that some women find that distinctly uncomfortable.
Try a different position to alter the depth and angle of penetration and see if that makes a difference...

MYKDRAGON

Fairly good suggestions so far.
Before you go down the expensive 'therapist/doctor' path, try to read a book or two, and continue to be open with the dialogue both to yourself and your girl.
Go to Babes in Toyland, buy a book or two as suggested by the staff. Ask questions. The staff is professional, pleasant, well-read, and mirthful. The one in Capitol Hill, (Seattle) is excellent, or go online if you're from out of WA state.
Remember that besides all of the good advice listed above, that the emotional health and 'heat' of your relationship comes out in bed. Problems outside show up inside, for both men and women.
On a personal note, here's a few non-technical pieces of advice. Spend a lot time ignoring her boobs or vagina. The nape of the neck, the inside of thighs, the ribcage, the back, shoulders. Vary hard grasping, with the lightest of touches.
Good love is like a rollercoaster. Go for 'slow climbs' followed by intense 'plummets'. Eye contact, or they lack thereof, sends a powerful messege. Oh, have fun in both life and bed, and support her everyday ventures.
Good luck, and learn from my teenage mistake; try not to make an issue of the issue.

Thujone

Maybe suggest to her that she should try touching herself, and using her own fingers in that area to see if she still experiences discomfort. Or even trying penetration with a vibrator so she can have control and get used to the new sensation. Many women are afraid to take things into their own hands in that regard because unfortunately self stimulation is more taboo for women then men.

I just learned in one of my classes that women who masturbate orgasm more frequently and the orgasms they do have are more intense, pass the info on!