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Could use some help dealing with my family...
chrisofthedale
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Here's some back-story on my currently, messed up family. My parents got divorced late in 2007, was an awesome divorce, they were both friends afterwards. I stayed with my father (a selfish man, but one who loves his kids), while my sister (a selfish person who cares about nothing as long as she gets her way) moved away with my mother.
Shortly after the split, my sister moves out from my mother's place (leaving my mother with a 1 year lease on a place that is far too large for one person). My sister moves in with her new boyfriend, but because he has a job where he is not getting enough hours, they both end up moving in with my mother. After a month my sister's boyfriend finally gets a job that is promising good hours and good pay, so they both move out. During this time my sister is receiving a monthly allowance, as long as she is working on graduating from highschool. Months later, my sister and her now fiance are looking to buy a house, but he has a horrible credit rating and can not get a mortgage. My mother, in love/stupidity, co-signs so they can get a place.
During this time my father invites his manipulative mother to come live with us (she is a horrible person who once explained to me that my father isn't really her son, because he is adopted). My grandmother agrees to pay the mortgage, so in my father's infinite wisdom, he proceeds to buy a large diesel truck. This now means that my grandmother can never leave, because my father can't afford everything without her. My grandmother slowly, but surely gets paranoid thoughts into my father's head, getting him to alienate my mother and sister. I slowly grow to hate my grandmother.
A few months later, I am visiting my mother for the Christmas holiday. I have brought her dog with me, whom I have grown very attached to. My mother also has a dog that she got stuck with because of my sister though, so there is an agreement that the dog can come back if it doesn't work out. While I am visiting, it turns out my sister hasn't been doing anything to graduate highschool and has been lying to keep the allowance. My mother then proceeds to tell my sister that she has one more semester, involving progress reports from the school, if she messes up this time, all money gets cut-off.
So today my mother calls me. Turns out she is moving in with my sister and her fiance because he has been working minimal hours and staying at home playing WoW, which means they can no longer afford to pay the mortgage and their great debt. This place does not allow dogs, so my mother had to get rid of both of them. Apparently she called my father and asked if he would take the one dog that I care about back, he says no. My mother had to give the dogs away to new families and now has an undying hatred for my father
I confront my father about this, specifically the fact that he never told me and lied to my mother. I am pretty upset about losing the dog I had grown so close to. My father tells me I shouldn't talk with my mother or my sister because all they do is complain about nothing and that my mother is trying to turn me against him. He then proceeds to go hide upstairs and talk about all this with my grandmother.
I mean, I love my mother, I know she got herself into the position she is in, but it is only because her trust has been betrayed. I am very angry with my sister and her fiance and am not sure I ever want to speak with either of them again. I am also angry with my father, for letting my grandmother slowly turn him against everyone. My father and I were awesome friends before my grandmother got here and I am afraid I am losing that friend and possibly my father. I mostly needed somewhere to vent, but am hoping maybe I can get some advice on how to deal with all this.
Thanks in advance for any advice (I realize this a long post, so thank you for reading it as well).
Shortly after the split, my sister moves out from my mother's place (leaving my mother with a 1 year lease on a place that is far too large for one person). My sister moves in with her new boyfriend, but because he has a job where he is not getting enough hours, they both end up moving in with my mother. After a month my sister's boyfriend finally gets a job that is promising good hours and good pay, so they both move out. During this time my sister is receiving a monthly allowance, as long as she is working on graduating from highschool. Months later, my sister and her now fiance are looking to buy a house, but he has a horrible credit rating and can not get a mortgage. My mother, in love/stupidity, co-signs so they can get a place.
During this time my father invites his manipulative mother to come live with us (she is a horrible person who once explained to me that my father isn't really her son, because he is adopted). My grandmother agrees to pay the mortgage, so in my father's infinite wisdom, he proceeds to buy a large diesel truck. This now means that my grandmother can never leave, because my father can't afford everything without her. My grandmother slowly, but surely gets paranoid thoughts into my father's head, getting him to alienate my mother and sister. I slowly grow to hate my grandmother.
A few months later, I am visiting my mother for the Christmas holiday. I have brought her dog with me, whom I have grown very attached to. My mother also has a dog that she got stuck with because of my sister though, so there is an agreement that the dog can come back if it doesn't work out. While I am visiting, it turns out my sister hasn't been doing anything to graduate highschool and has been lying to keep the allowance. My mother then proceeds to tell my sister that she has one more semester, involving progress reports from the school, if she messes up this time, all money gets cut-off.
So today my mother calls me. Turns out she is moving in with my sister and her fiance because he has been working minimal hours and staying at home playing WoW, which means they can no longer afford to pay the mortgage and their great debt. This place does not allow dogs, so my mother had to get rid of both of them. Apparently she called my father and asked if he would take the one dog that I care about back, he says no. My mother had to give the dogs away to new families and now has an undying hatred for my father
I confront my father about this, specifically the fact that he never told me and lied to my mother. I am pretty upset about losing the dog I had grown so close to. My father tells me I shouldn't talk with my mother or my sister because all they do is complain about nothing and that my mother is trying to turn me against him. He then proceeds to go hide upstairs and talk about all this with my grandmother.
I mean, I love my mother, I know she got herself into the position she is in, but it is only because her trust has been betrayed. I am very angry with my sister and her fiance and am not sure I ever want to speak with either of them again. I am also angry with my father, for letting my grandmother slowly turn him against everyone. My father and I were awesome friends before my grandmother got here and I am afraid I am losing that friend and possibly my father. I mostly needed somewhere to vent, but am hoping maybe I can get some advice on how to deal with all this.
Thanks in advance for any advice (I realize this a long post, so thank you for reading it as well).
chrisofthedale on
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Also, I have been thinking of moving out, it is just a little complicated at this point because I am in school.
Point is, you can't fix this. Focus on looking out for your own well being. Don't let your family suck you into their goings-on, and work on your own life plan. Don't cut them out of your life, and don't act rashly, just try to keep from getting involved.
If you don't, They will drag you down and erode your soul.
First, don't blame some people for the choices of others. No one made anyone do anything. Just accept that everyone has made their own choices, good and bad, and realize that, that's the way it is. Secondly, DON"T GET INVOLVED. EVER. Even if youre on the "right" side, don't get involved. You will regret it forever. Just distance yourself from their problems.
Lastly, deal with it for now, but get a job, and start saving up money so you can move out on your own.
Also maybe you should talk to your dad about his manipulative mother. Communication is always important.
Not sure how much you should listen to me though. You aren't responsible for fixing your whole families problems.
What you can salvage is you and your father's relationship. That should be one of your main focuses; but keep in mind, if it doesn't work out, you need to scrap it and move on. Have you ever soncisdered printing out this OP and making him read it? Maybe he'll get your side and try to work it out with you. Like Atreus said, communication is key.
I also agree that communication is incredibly important, and not just from you to your family. Also encourage them to talk and discuss and think, either with you or with someone else. Definitely talk about where you're at with your father, though. Printing your message and handing it to him is a great idea, as well.
Sorry you're in such a situation, man... keep on living a day at a time...
In short take control and don't shy away from doing that once you start.
I agree with this. You don't want your families problems causing you to also not get anywhere.
One thing you have to remember in situations like this: What causes them to act this way is ingrained personality issues. The issues in question here are not because of some passing problem but due to the system of personality traits that each exists on. I say this because those issues are not fixable in a few days, weeks, months, or even years. They took decades to form and will take decades to fix themselves. If you do stay and try to help, you will be taken advantage of.
Perhaps your dad will try to get the truck under your name and credit. Perhaps your sister will show up sobbing for your help to cover rent for "only a few months until my husband-to-be gets a better job!" Perhaps it'll be your mother asking for financial assistance. You are young and starting out into the world. You cannot let your own future be kneecapped by those who cannot handle their own lives.
That said, it is also very hard to walk away from your family. They did raise you and it is natural to feel that you owe something to them in return. However, is it helpful to continue propping them up? Feeding them money or validating their choices or giving them excuses to do what they have been doing? Sometimes, the best help is the removal of crutches so that the person is forced to stand on their own... just look at your sister - why should she finish high school if she's getting free money from her mom? Now that mom is living with her (in her house, no less), she can rely on mom to pay the mortgage when she is 'short' of funds (house > World of Warcraft... then again, Job > WoW too, but it is hard to convince people of this sometimes).
When you say that you're in school, do you mean college? How is being paid for? How long until you're done? Any chance of rooming up with a buddy or even getting your own place? Perhaps on the other side of town? I'd also not give an address to the family - get a cell phone and give them that number, but an address means a place they can show up and bother you.
Murphy's Paradox: The more you plan, the more that can go wrong. The less you plan, the less likely your plan will succeed.
I would ask why the fuck she needs to own a house when she hasn't even graduated high school. But yeah, that too.
'
I can't offer a lot of advice but I agree with a lot of what people have been saying, most importantly: don't let them fuck up your credit.
I don't think she's still in high school. She just never graduated and is trying to get the degree.
I will be getting a job this month or the next, as my course is part-time and I will be able to finish the last 3 courses on weekends.
The whole situation with my mother will probably never affect me much, other than my sister and mother calling to complain about how annoying/stupid the other is being.
The situation with my father is much different however. The thing with my father is, well, I haven't left home yet because I feel like I am looking after him. My father served in the military for 26 years and has post traumatic stress disorder, among other things. Now, when it was just him and I, he would drink with his medication and I would have to carry him to bed. This stopped though when I threatened to leave. His mother has had him drinking a little since she has been here however, mostly by shooting down my father's dreams and saying that he is faking his PTSD and such. I have also talked with my father about his mother and he refuses to admit that she has been influencing him. At this point I feel if I were to leave, I would be abandoning him.