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Whole lot of mental crap, and happiness.
yalborap
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Yeah, me again. I'm finding myself in a bad mental place yet again. Few things.
A, this is way the fuck too soon. I'm basically spending no time OUT of the bad place anymore. That can't be good.
B, I'm not here to discuss my social fuckups this time.
C, what I AM here to discuss is methods of experiencing happiness, which is becoming a more and more fleeting situation.
So, some background. I recently more or less lost an internet friend. No deaths or anything, but school bullshit has her only getting on on the weekends, when normally she'd be on every single day. She's a very close friend, and one who I would play multiplayer-only/focused games with and the like. And I lack fresh partners for this, so I'm basically going from doing something enjoyable with her every single day, to not being able to do it at all 4 or 5 days out of the week. My days are slow-passing already. It feels like forever since the last time she was on, and it's only fucking Wednesday.
Even when in a relatively good mood, I'm not in nearly as good a mood as I could be when things are going better. School is basically piling up all at once when I only have a few weeks until I graduate, I can't muster up any will to get most of it done, and my sanity is being stretched to its limits.
I've been exercising more, or at least getting out and walking. I've found this in no way makes me feel good. I don't know if it's just that all those happy-go-lucky endorphins aren't flowing or aren't working or what, but all I end up feeling is achey and pissed off. And when it all wears off, I still feel even worse than before I left. Today I started out at least calm, if a bit angsty. I went out for a walk. Here we are.
So, present situation. I have no idea what to do to feel happy. Videogames seem to give no genuine controllable joy, as I have to fight through the frustration of loss to get to victory, and a meaningless victory that's easy to attain is...Well, meaningless, and thus produces nothing. Movies are enjoyable to watch at the time, but any happiness or laughter or "Fuck yeah that was an awesome scene!" moments pass far too rapidly for them to be of any use. Photography feels good to do, but I have minimal control of when I can get out and go to interesting places to work with that extend beyond the local park and Generic Suburb #5,000,000,000,000. Writing is nice when it clicks, but my imagination is uncontrollable, I have no real passion right now, and I can see the flaws in my own work so blatantly from years of self-loathing bullshit that it's frustrating to even put the goddamned words down onto metaphorical paper half the time. I have no other real hobbies, and due to the social situation, cannot easily pick up any hobbies that require other people. This leaves minimal options I have not tried yet.
Some more stuff:
-I'm poor right now. Like, really poor. "We are genuinely shocked that we haven't been kicked out of the house and forced out onto the streets" poor.
-I don't have a job. Don't come in here and tell me to get one, I'M TRYING. Everyone I've tried is either looking for someone with way more experience than never-had-a-job-in-his-life me, or is filled with people far more desperate and with far greater work ethic trying to provide for families by taking any menial, shameful job anyone is willing to give them.
-I have minimal will and drive in general. This is something I've grappled with for a while, and probably explains why 99% of my characters can be boiled down to "Iron-willed, hot-blooded super badass with cool weapons who does ridiculously awesome things when I imagine them", because I'm compensating.
-I have no suicidal thoughts right now(and have not had any in years that I can recall), but have frequent fantasies of having my own place(not an option right now), and ones where I basically call my father out for all the fucking bullshit I've had to put up with over the years from him with multiple-minute-long rants that end before imaginary-father can respond, because even with my few attempts to stand up to him or my mother or other people, there are 17 goddamned years of resentment built up in my psyche from all the crap.
-I'm paranoid. Really fucking paranoid. As in "assume everyone I see will stab me, mug me, or otherwise become a threat or problem until proven otherwise". One of those fun happy little things you get when you grow up your whole life hearing tales of your family's fucked up past and people(either your family or their VICTIMS) getting horrific beatdowns for the most random shit, or even for no reason at all. I cannot overcome this with a snap of my fingers and just go out and talk to strangers calmly and casually. It doesn't work that way. I can hide nervousness and fear, and because of more bullshit am not as scared of girls as I am of guys(and I apologize for the sexist nature of that), but it will not be easy to overcome it, and that would require a thread and help all on its own. So if your suggestion boils down to "just overcome this!", you are basically telling a man in the desert to "just find water!".
-I apologize almost pathologically. Every tiny little thing, I apologize for. I take blame for things I AM THE FUCKING VICTIM OF. I do this uncontrollably, and feel like a massive dick if I don't, especially since my family guilt-trips me oh so readily at times. It is so immensely ingrained that...Well, just look up. I apologized for admitting that a cute girl leaves me less scared than a big burly angry looking guy. Fuck, I've apologized for BEING TROLLED in the past on some forums. Not trolling. BEING trolled. As in, I apologized that I was verbally attacked.
-My self opinion. As most of you know, this is in the goddamn toilet. I have immense self-loathing, severe dislike of my appearance despite being able to objectively tell that I look decent(which is also connected to paranoia from thinking previous failuriffic fashion choices looked decent, so I fear I am completely wrong and everyone is laughing at me behind my back), and basically am completely and utterly FUCKED. Oh, and on top of that, I may or may not have an oversized ego, because of the next thing...
-I desperately do things just to try and be accepted, and internalize things too readily. You know how I knock myself and have all this shit built up? A lot of that came from basically agreeing with bullies to maybe be left alone, or simply being bullied enough that I thought they might be right. Because of all my failed efforts and bitching, I've had people tell me I have a big ego and just do this stuff to get attention. Surprise surprise, I'm left thinking they might be right! But that doesn't whisk away the old issues, oh no, that just adds "Maybe I'm an egotistical cockbag" ON TOP OF THEM! Which leads into a paranoid fear that everyone is talking shit about me behind my back.
Okay, I...Think that's everything. Honestly, even if I don't get any help, I feel a little better just for getting all this shit off my chest. So, yeah. Thanks for reading all this.
EDIT: Okay, yeah, this thing went waaayyy off the beaten path for the title. I'm gonna just change that now.
EDIT2: Oh, forgot to mention this. Due to the poorness, paid therapy is out. I've already talked to my pseudo-school's therapist, and my other free options. Unless your suggestion boils down to "hey, I know this professional therapist/therapist-in-training who needs stuff for their therapy portfolio, here's their contact info", I appreciate it, know how much I need professional help, but cannot get it right now. The money is not there. Trying to 'get that money together' means PEOPLE DON'T EAT, AND GET TO NOT EAT IN THE DARK WITH NO HEAT. So, yeah. Happening when it can, but when it can isn't now.
A, this is way the fuck too soon. I'm basically spending no time OUT of the bad place anymore. That can't be good.
B, I'm not here to discuss my social fuckups this time.
C, what I AM here to discuss is methods of experiencing happiness, which is becoming a more and more fleeting situation.
So, some background. I recently more or less lost an internet friend. No deaths or anything, but school bullshit has her only getting on on the weekends, when normally she'd be on every single day. She's a very close friend, and one who I would play multiplayer-only/focused games with and the like. And I lack fresh partners for this, so I'm basically going from doing something enjoyable with her every single day, to not being able to do it at all 4 or 5 days out of the week. My days are slow-passing already. It feels like forever since the last time she was on, and it's only fucking Wednesday.
Even when in a relatively good mood, I'm not in nearly as good a mood as I could be when things are going better. School is basically piling up all at once when I only have a few weeks until I graduate, I can't muster up any will to get most of it done, and my sanity is being stretched to its limits.
I've been exercising more, or at least getting out and walking. I've found this in no way makes me feel good. I don't know if it's just that all those happy-go-lucky endorphins aren't flowing or aren't working or what, but all I end up feeling is achey and pissed off. And when it all wears off, I still feel even worse than before I left. Today I started out at least calm, if a bit angsty. I went out for a walk. Here we are.
So, present situation. I have no idea what to do to feel happy. Videogames seem to give no genuine controllable joy, as I have to fight through the frustration of loss to get to victory, and a meaningless victory that's easy to attain is...Well, meaningless, and thus produces nothing. Movies are enjoyable to watch at the time, but any happiness or laughter or "Fuck yeah that was an awesome scene!" moments pass far too rapidly for them to be of any use. Photography feels good to do, but I have minimal control of when I can get out and go to interesting places to work with that extend beyond the local park and Generic Suburb #5,000,000,000,000. Writing is nice when it clicks, but my imagination is uncontrollable, I have no real passion right now, and I can see the flaws in my own work so blatantly from years of self-loathing bullshit that it's frustrating to even put the goddamned words down onto metaphorical paper half the time. I have no other real hobbies, and due to the social situation, cannot easily pick up any hobbies that require other people. This leaves minimal options I have not tried yet.
Some more stuff:
-I'm poor right now. Like, really poor. "We are genuinely shocked that we haven't been kicked out of the house and forced out onto the streets" poor.
-I don't have a job. Don't come in here and tell me to get one, I'M TRYING. Everyone I've tried is either looking for someone with way more experience than never-had-a-job-in-his-life me, or is filled with people far more desperate and with far greater work ethic trying to provide for families by taking any menial, shameful job anyone is willing to give them.
-I have minimal will and drive in general. This is something I've grappled with for a while, and probably explains why 99% of my characters can be boiled down to "Iron-willed, hot-blooded super badass with cool weapons who does ridiculously awesome things when I imagine them", because I'm compensating.
-I have no suicidal thoughts right now(and have not had any in years that I can recall), but have frequent fantasies of having my own place(not an option right now), and ones where I basically call my father out for all the fucking bullshit I've had to put up with over the years from him with multiple-minute-long rants that end before imaginary-father can respond, because even with my few attempts to stand up to him or my mother or other people, there are 17 goddamned years of resentment built up in my psyche from all the crap.
-I'm paranoid. Really fucking paranoid. As in "assume everyone I see will stab me, mug me, or otherwise become a threat or problem until proven otherwise". One of those fun happy little things you get when you grow up your whole life hearing tales of your family's fucked up past and people(either your family or their VICTIMS) getting horrific beatdowns for the most random shit, or even for no reason at all. I cannot overcome this with a snap of my fingers and just go out and talk to strangers calmly and casually. It doesn't work that way. I can hide nervousness and fear, and because of more bullshit am not as scared of girls as I am of guys(and I apologize for the sexist nature of that), but it will not be easy to overcome it, and that would require a thread and help all on its own. So if your suggestion boils down to "just overcome this!", you are basically telling a man in the desert to "just find water!".
-I apologize almost pathologically. Every tiny little thing, I apologize for. I take blame for things I AM THE FUCKING VICTIM OF. I do this uncontrollably, and feel like a massive dick if I don't, especially since my family guilt-trips me oh so readily at times. It is so immensely ingrained that...Well, just look up. I apologized for admitting that a cute girl leaves me less scared than a big burly angry looking guy. Fuck, I've apologized for BEING TROLLED in the past on some forums. Not trolling. BEING trolled. As in, I apologized that I was verbally attacked.
-My self opinion. As most of you know, this is in the goddamn toilet. I have immense self-loathing, severe dislike of my appearance despite being able to objectively tell that I look decent(which is also connected to paranoia from thinking previous failuriffic fashion choices looked decent, so I fear I am completely wrong and everyone is laughing at me behind my back), and basically am completely and utterly FUCKED. Oh, and on top of that, I may or may not have an oversized ego, because of the next thing...
-I desperately do things just to try and be accepted, and internalize things too readily. You know how I knock myself and have all this shit built up? A lot of that came from basically agreeing with bullies to maybe be left alone, or simply being bullied enough that I thought they might be right. Because of all my failed efforts and bitching, I've had people tell me I have a big ego and just do this stuff to get attention. Surprise surprise, I'm left thinking they might be right! But that doesn't whisk away the old issues, oh no, that just adds "Maybe I'm an egotistical cockbag" ON TOP OF THEM! Which leads into a paranoid fear that everyone is talking shit about me behind my back.
Okay, I...Think that's everything. Honestly, even if I don't get any help, I feel a little better just for getting all this shit off my chest. So, yeah. Thanks for reading all this.
EDIT: Okay, yeah, this thing went waaayyy off the beaten path for the title. I'm gonna just change that now.
EDIT2: Oh, forgot to mention this. Due to the poorness, paid therapy is out. I've already talked to my pseudo-school's therapist, and my other free options. Unless your suggestion boils down to "hey, I know this professional therapist/therapist-in-training who needs stuff for their therapy portfolio, here's their contact info", I appreciate it, know how much I need professional help, but cannot get it right now. The money is not there. Trying to 'get that money together' means PEOPLE DON'T EAT, AND GET TO NOT EAT IN THE DARK WITH NO HEAT. So, yeah. Happening when it can, but when it can isn't now.
yalborap on
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I guess I can only offer the following words of advice:
1. Focus on a goal. It doesn't matter if it's a small goal. If it's "I will submit 10 job applications today", then that's fine. When you accomplish that goal, it has the twin effect of giving you a little jolt of self-satisfaction and encouraging you to set another, maybe somewhat more challenging goal.
2. Exercise. Even if it's just walking/jogging for half an hour a day. Get your heart rate up for 30 minutes a day. The endorphins that get released after exercise are a sure-fire mood elevator for the rest of your day.
3. Realize that life is a journey, not a destination. With few exceptions, the real-life "iron-willed super-badasses" out there weren't born that way. They got there a step at a time. A saying some special forces guys use that I really like is "Focus on the 25-meter target." Don't spend a lot of time obsessing or worrying about things out of your control or beyond your immediate horizon. Focus on the target in front of you, that's within your range.
Not really, no. And I'm also trying to keep things as hidden from my parents as possible, for a variety of reasons, so things I can do without their knowledge are far better than things that require their permission and support.
Walking, though to be fair I'm so out of shape that that usually leaves me feeling all fatigued by the time I get back.
Well, that's another set of goals you can work with, then. As long as your heart rate is elevated to 65-70% of max for that 30 minutes, you'll get to enjoy that sweet, sweet endorphin payoff afterward.
Do you have a bike you could go out for on a REALLY long ride? (Ideally out of suburbia, an ideal chance to take some photo's). Pack a small picnic, or a book and sit somewhere nice and read.
Other than that give the 100 pushups challange a serious attempt. You will start off real low, but within a week or 2 you'll start to feel a difference.
http://hundredpushups.com/
You're 18+, right? If yes, follow the steps below:
1. Find a free walk-in clinic in your area. Many of these have mental health professionals on staff as well as medical professionals.
2. Go to the aforementioned clinic and speak with a mental health and/or medical professional there, and try to get some advice at the very least.
3. FOLLOW the advice given in step 2.
If you're 18, nobody is required to tell your parents anything. The advice you get might not be to seek medication. It might be something else. If it is something else, do your best to comply and just see what happens.
I'm going to agree that taking a break from the internet might be good for you. Honestly, I remember you posting the same sort of stuff at least a year ago, possibly longer (it may have even been when G&T had a chat thread) and saying the same sort of stuff "I can't make friends, live in suburbia and there aren't any people my age and I can't leave, etc. etc.). It sounds like you've really become overly dependent on the internet for social interaction and it's having a severe negative effect on you.
I'd also follow Ceres's advice and visit a free clinic or other place you can get mental health help. It sounds like you desperately need it and if nothing else, perhaps laying your problems out in front of somebody in person would help.
You need help well beyond anything H&A can do for you.
And as for getting off the internet...Well, then we lead into a lack of hobbies that both grab me and can actually be done on a regular enough basis to limit my online time. So anyone have any suggestion on that front?
You cannot find any single hobby to replace the internet. It can't be done. It's possible for a specific activity to be more fun - I'd rather go to Canada's Wonderland and ride the Psyclone all day than spend the same amount of time trawling Youtube - but nothing can capture the internet's all-in-one experience.
That's why you need to cut yourself off first. Go cold turkey. Stop reading PA, stop playing games, stop doing anything online. You will be bored as fuck for a while, but boredom is the mother of invention. You need to be bored and lonely and desperate before you'll be able to force yourself to go out and do things.
As usual, I'm speaking from experience here. I was an incredible introvert growing up, I only had one friend in high school (and she found me), and when I was 19, I went away to community college in a completely new city. The only people I had even met before in the entire town were my uncle and his family, who I had never been close to. And my parents, as punishment for my actions the year before, made me leave my computer at home.
And you know what? I was bored and miserable for the first couple of days, but after that, it was fucking fantastic. Not being able to talk to my online friends meant I had to go out and make new ones, so I actually got to know some of my classmates. I would spend all day on campus, even when I didn't have class, just reading or sitting in the cafeteria chatting with people or wandering around the trails. I was connected, I was engaged with the world around me, and it would never have happened if I had gone home after every class to obsessively check the message boards and catch up with my online friends.
Get off the internet. It is your comfort zone, and until you leave it, you're just going to keep posting here month after month with the same problem every time, giving the same excuses about why you can't take any of the advice. The internet is your excuse. Drop it, suffer through the inevitable pangs of withdrawal, then go out and experience the world.
This is probably the best advice I've ever heard in my life. So much so, I think I may actually follow it
Is this one of those things where I could at least go half and half? Or is it extremely all-or-nothing?
Also, fair cop: I don't follow my own advice, sound though it is. If I quit the internet right now, and only used it to communicate with my students and profs for school, within a month I would be happier, healthier, fitter, more social, and I'd probably be doing better in school. But I keep playing games and posting on message boards because I'm in a temporary position in which WoW and H/A don't have too much of a negative impact on my life, and they're easy ways to pass the time, and I'm comfortable, and I live with somebody who indulges me in my bad habits. That still doesn't mean it's good for me, and I recognize that. But you're much worse off than I am, yal, so for you, it's all or nothing.
However, it will amount to me talking to myself if you aren't motivated, and you made it explicitly clear you are not a motivated person. What you're looking for right now is just someone to spill your guts to. Someone who will just listen to you exorcise your problems. You don't need to pay a therapist to do that. Find a friend, and get to spillin. If you're having trouble finding friends, then I suggest think about what you look for in a friend, and if you're providing that or not.
Well, I'd look for someone who's nice, who's willing to listen, who's into similar things as me...I mean, I'd like to think I'm providing that.
But my sheer lack of success even when I do try has led me to assume that I must be doing something wrong or am actually horrifically creepy.
Also, one thing in my post is concerning me a good bit, though it's off this path a bit(since we all know that at this point, I just need to man up and do something about all of that):
How bad is that? I mean, is that normal, or is that "Jesus fucking shit what is wrong with you", or somewhere in between?
IF YOU ARE 17 OR UNDER:
You should not be thinking about medication. You should be going outside. Seriously. There is no halfway, follow Kate's advice to the letter right now. Unplug your computer and put it away completely. Find other things to do.
You are a teenager. Teenagers do awkward things and get sad sometimes. That's something you need to grow out of, and you're NOT going to do that sitting on the internet and following the same time-worn patterns that have failed you every time.
I realize you probably don't want to hear "grow up", but that's just what you need to do. You have easily a year or two of just plain growing to do, physically and as a person. Being 17 sucks. It just does. But any doctor worth his crap is not going to just hand you pills for stuff that sounds completely normal for a teenager.
So no. There's no halfway here. Your internet friend is no longer around much because her life requires that she do other things. You haven't lost her, she just got a life. If you sit and count the minutes till she shows up online, you have a problem. Your best bet is to take some responsibility for fixing it.
Let's take Kate's example, for instance, of her college thing. I went without internet for a week once when I moved. ...I just watched TV and played videogames offline. I've spent the bulk of 17 years building up a system where I wouldn't need other people to enjoy myself. Which, as we are seeing, has backfired terribly.
Now, I've also tried talking to people. For a while I was talking to people every single time I went to school(though to be fair, it's only once a week, since I'm in independent study. And 10 weeks from graduation, so no I'm not switching to public at this stage of the game, especially since I'm already having problems). Considering how badly this typically went, with people often avoiding me, I can only assume that I come off as desperate and creepy, when I want to come off as nice and approachable and have people talk to me.
...So, yeah. How do I fix THAT, so that we're not just seeing a lower-tech version of the same bloody problem in an external environment?
Volunteering is a great idea. Not only is it easy to get into, it takes time and feels like work, and it gives you references and can be listed as a job qualification if your resume needs more things on it.
Also if you are 17 you should be attending high school-- sign up for some extracurriculars. It doesn't matter what, but just hanging out with some people afterschool for activity x could be fun.
EDIT: After reading your post, these two ideas seem even better than before. Find what extracurriculars your school has on the one day a week you go, and see which ones you could join. Your school councillor more likely than not also knows places where you can volunteer - if not the locations Ponge named area always good.
Getting in shape is a good idea.
But yeah, most of what you listed is pretty normal. I've just turned 18 and am on march break and have been feeling like shit. And running around with job apps. If I had every week like March break I could see myself in a much closer position.
Quitting the internet/TV/videogames could be a good idea. Best of luck.
Independent study. No extracurriculars available, unfortunately.
BUT before you do that, have you thought of maybe checking out places like meetup.com and even craigslist? Depending on the size of your town/city, you might be able to find other people with the same interest. If you do find them, get the fuck out of the internet and start hanging out with them.
I was like you too man, even had an internet gf that I would be all sad if she wasn't around. Then I realize that wasn't a good option for me. I'm not saying I went out and made all sorts of friends and now do something every weekend, but I did meet and made friends with some people, and I done more things in a year than I did in four years.
And stop making threads. I think you make them because you're depressed, and while there's been some great advice, it's advice that's been given to you before.
If you truly want to get better, you're going to have to get out of your comfort zone. Not a single one of us can force you to do anything, it is all up to you and you have to be willing to put forth the effort.
If you're going to say 'Well my mom picks me up at 4.30pm on the dot' well you'll just have to ask her to pick you up later. Or walk home.
That is correct. It's an alternative education facility, not alternative options at a regular school. So they have nothing. Not a single one. We tried to set one up at some point, but it fell through, and now there's no management. Plus with it being this close to the end of the year, I can't exactly rig something together at the drop of a hat, especially since I don't know the new people in charge.
And S., I don't do that. Just casual conversation about interests and the like to pass the time.
The thing about casual conversation is that it's supposed to be just that - casual. No strings attached. Talking to someone on the bus does not mean you're going steady, and they are under no obligation to ever talk to you again, or you them. That's what makes it casual. Sometimes someone will say 'hey, we should talk again sometime'. That's cool. Maybe you'll see the same person a few times, if you frequent a place, and maybe you'll talk again. Maybe not. The important thing is that you give yourself the opportunity.
I realize I'm putting some emphasis on the library thing, but a lot of the time a local library can use volunteers to do things like shelf books or clean up. This is something else you can do that looks nice on an otherwise-empty resume, and gets you out of the house and doing something real with real people. Libraries are really very nice places to find things to do if you feel like you've got nothing.
But.. from your responses it's sounding more and more like you don't want real ideas for things you can do. That's cool, I've been there.. I still feel that way about a number of issues in my life. I want validation of my bad habits until I'm finally ready to actually do something about it. But the thing is, you aren't going to find that here. You're going to find a lot of people giving you real advice and different ways you can go about trying to follow it. If you shoot down every single possibility with excuses people will get bored with you, and by the end of your 16th or 17th thread they'll just sit here and secretly hope that Pheezer somehow finds a way to magically remove your ability to make new threads in H/A.
Your next thread should start with "Hey guys, I've done X to actually better myself and this is my progress, now what else can I do/where can I go from here since you guys are so awesome at this?" If it does not, you should think about finding a new place to complain.
^
Also I noticed you took pictures of some skaters at a skate park. I surely hope you at least talked to these people. Did you?
Even if you've tried, this is the aura you are putting off when you approach people. "A person. I should talk to them. Fuck, they're going to hate me. I'm horrible, why would anyone want to talk to me. I just want a friend so I should try anyways."
People are going to pick this up. People are going to notice this and go "Wow, that guy seems antsy/nervous/irate."
Then we enter the dilemma of how do we remove that.
So, battle-plan, as I see it so far:
1- Figure out how to stop putting off that aura.
2- Figure out methods of talking to people that get around not really having school or a job in common as a building base, and thus relying either on hobbies or on random chance.
3- Get out of the house more.
-- Subsection of 3, get METHODS for getting out of the house more, since the library is over an hour's walking distance away and that's the closest thing that isn't a store.
4- Talk to people, get friends.
5- Due to having friends, open up options for things that can be done with multiple people, enjoy myself more, become happier, stop needing to come in here so damn often.
Alternatively:
1- Become happier independently and internally, requiring a COMPLETELY different focus than the above.
2- Just do whatever makes me happy and keeps me alive with shelter.
3- Figure out how to pull others into my projects and ideas to spread the happiness like a swarming mass of gentacles through New New York.
So...Yeah. What do you guys think? I know very well that there's a family common trait of codependency, which leads me to initially think I need friends to be happier...But on the other hand, wouldn't it be better to instead work against that and push away from it by being happy on my own first and foremost?
Blech. Friggin' life. Why can't it be as easy as the board game version?
So, guess I wait for Monday.