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I was the subject of child abuse and I can't get over it...
ShurikenKen
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Hey H/A people. I'm posting this is on an anonymous account since I really don't want my friends/family to find out about this. Here goes...
I come from an abused childhood. My mother was physically abusive and did horrible things to me for the first ten or so years of my life (threw me, hit me with 2x4's, made me strip down and beat me, etc.). She would only do these things while my dad was at work and claimed any bruises were the result of me being an energetic child. The only reason this over the top abuse stopped was because I got taller than my mom, but then she resorted to neglect and emotional abuse.
When it comes to my mom I don't think we'll ever be able to mend that relationship, and I really don't want to at this point in my life. She'll try every couple of years and then find some way to hurt me again, so I refuse to let her get close to me now.
Then there's my dad. He never out right abused me, but he ignored me for most of my life. He never did any of the father-son things I dreamed about and refused to believe me when I told him my mother was abusing me. The first time I told him I was eight, and he didn't speak to me for two weeks. I'm mostly mad at my dad because I feel like he stole my childhood dreams. He would never let me join the Boy Scouts because he didn't “have the time†(even though he had time to watch TV, play hockey, and go fishing with his friends). The same went for Little League and hockey. All of these things were extremely important to me as a kid, but I was always denied them.
Now I'm 21 and I just moved out on my own. I moved to the other side of the country hoping I could run away from my problems, but they still haunt me. I go through bouts of extreme depression and day dream about the childhood I never had. I'll lay on my bed all day looking at baseball pictures and wonder what I'd be like if I'd had normal parents. Or sit down at the baseball diamond watching kids and their dads actually having fun. At first I didn't think much about this, but now I'm not getting anything done on my off days and it's really affecting my life.
I used to be in therapy, but I can't afford it now. I feel like I really need some help and to be set on the right path, but I don't know where to go. I've thought about joining a support group for people who were abused as kids, but I don't know how to find one.
Summary:
I was abused as a child; physically by my mother, and emotionally by my dad. I'm hung up on this and get very depressed over it. I want to move on with my life but don't know where to start.
Thanks for your help.
-ShurikenKen
I come from an abused childhood. My mother was physically abusive and did horrible things to me for the first ten or so years of my life (threw me, hit me with 2x4's, made me strip down and beat me, etc.). She would only do these things while my dad was at work and claimed any bruises were the result of me being an energetic child. The only reason this over the top abuse stopped was because I got taller than my mom, but then she resorted to neglect and emotional abuse.
When it comes to my mom I don't think we'll ever be able to mend that relationship, and I really don't want to at this point in my life. She'll try every couple of years and then find some way to hurt me again, so I refuse to let her get close to me now.
Then there's my dad. He never out right abused me, but he ignored me for most of my life. He never did any of the father-son things I dreamed about and refused to believe me when I told him my mother was abusing me. The first time I told him I was eight, and he didn't speak to me for two weeks. I'm mostly mad at my dad because I feel like he stole my childhood dreams. He would never let me join the Boy Scouts because he didn't “have the time†(even though he had time to watch TV, play hockey, and go fishing with his friends). The same went for Little League and hockey. All of these things were extremely important to me as a kid, but I was always denied them.
Now I'm 21 and I just moved out on my own. I moved to the other side of the country hoping I could run away from my problems, but they still haunt me. I go through bouts of extreme depression and day dream about the childhood I never had. I'll lay on my bed all day looking at baseball pictures and wonder what I'd be like if I'd had normal parents. Or sit down at the baseball diamond watching kids and their dads actually having fun. At first I didn't think much about this, but now I'm not getting anything done on my off days and it's really affecting my life.
I used to be in therapy, but I can't afford it now. I feel like I really need some help and to be set on the right path, but I don't know where to go. I've thought about joining a support group for people who were abused as kids, but I don't know how to find one.
Summary:
I was abused as a child; physically by my mother, and emotionally by my dad. I'm hung up on this and get very depressed over it. I want to move on with my life but don't know where to start.
Thanks for your help.
-ShurikenKen
ShurikenKen on
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Here's the great thing about being 21: you're on your own, you're an adult, and YOU can actively define your life now. You don't have to worry about the absence of praise from an outside source. If your parents didn't appreciate you, that's on them. Don't let that define you.
When I was five, my dad and my mom divorced after an extremely tumultuous and abusive relationship. One of my earliest memories is looking out the window to see cop cars surrounding my parents with my dad holding a .357 magnum (which my mother had just bought him for his birthday) to my mother's head. Between that, the alcohol abuse, the years of neglect and outright abandonment, my father and I have no relationship. My mother did the best she could, but she also had a severe alcohol abuse problem and routinely verbally abused me. The point is, these people today both deeply regret what they did (and didn't do), but that whole experience taught me a few things. First, it taught me to vow to be the best, most appreciative parent I could be when I finally had a family of my own (which I do). Second, it taught me to rely solely on myself for approval and praise. The minute I stopped relying on others for approval and started focusing on myself, my outlook in life did a complete 180. Lastly it gave me a good insight into alcohol and its effects, and let me make a bit more educated decision on whether or not it's something for me to dabble in.
In short, while your childhood was a very rough one, you can take some positives from it: let it be a lesson to you in that, if you ever decide to have children, be the best goddamned parent you can be. Appreciate your child(ren), because as you've seen, it makes a huge impact on their outlook and who they become when they mature. Now that you're an adult, take some time out to really enjoy the things you like to do in life. Don't go overboard with it, but if you always wanted to go fishing with your pop but never got a chance to, there's nothing stopping you from grabbing a friend or three and some fishing poles and making it a regular thing.
Don't let your childhood define you. It's what happened to you, but it's not who you are.
As for a positive.. I'm 26 and have a son of my own. I can't live the child component of the child-parent relationship I may have always wanted, but I sure as hell can live the parent component. And I make sure I do that, everyday.
I could literally cry every time my son smiles. You, and people like us, will understand what I mean when they are parents.
Again, I'm sorry I can't be of more help. I can say though, that stories like yours make me want to be the best parent in the world.
Anyway, i can't give anything helpful in terms of advice, only support, and i'm reiterating the others' statements when i say this, ShurikenKen:
You're 21.
You have your whole life ahead of you.
The past has been so full of shit from those 'people' (i refuse to call them 'parents', as they are anything but) that you could easily let it taint everything that you experience from this point forth.
But you MUST NOT.
Leave the trash in the bin where it belongs now, and try to enjoy all the new experiences you're about to have.
Each time a memory haunts you, you will now put a happy one in its place, and your RL friends who you have, or are just about to make, as well as your friends here on PA, will help you if it gets too tough.
Now go out there and fucking LIVE, every day, all day, for YOU. Nobody else (well, until you fall in love etc., obviously!)
Can someone join me in giving ShurikenKen the hand of rock? Come on, do it with me, guys:
\m/
Edit: \m/
You need therapy, buddy. What happened to you isn't your fault, and it's not going to determine who you are for the rest of your life, but it's significant enough to skew your world-view to the point of making your future development as a person more-problematic without some dedicated professional support.
\m/
So, you could make up for that stuff by joining an amateur baseball league or hiking/camping club or something now if you want. If you don't want to do it now, though, don't worry about it. Just do what you want to do, don't force yourself to do stuff because you feel like you missed out. For all you know you would've hated the Boy Scouts anyways.
On the subject of your parents and "running away":
I'd say... fuck them. I've known similar cases. The emotional abuse didn't end until the parents were dead. This may be my unqualified opinion, but don't have high hopes for reconciliation. One mother knew she was dying and even that didn't stop her from harassing the daughter who was nursing her. If I had abusive parents, I would just leave them far behind.
Edit: \m/
And while we're talking about forgiveness, forgive yourself that it happened to you, too. It wasn't your fault.
Now, that aside, do try to get back into therapy. There are ways you can get therapy for free or for cheap. Are you in the United States? If so, call your county government health department - you can find them in the phone book or on Google. Ask for referrals to "sliding-scale therapists". These are therapists who will give therapy for free or for cheap to people such as yourself who can't afford their full fees.
Spoilered for "anecdote":
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
If I am wrong/invalid then ignore me. [/disclaimer over]
Looking back, replaying the things from the past that dis satisfy you, is a bad thing. It is self-destructive and Unhelpful. In myself I used to do it a lot when I was not doing anything. I had nothing to occupy my mind but my trains of thought - which were not good. I get a similar story of experience from my depressed housemate - though I was never diagnosed depressed I have a lot of similar experiences to her.
She also says that she lacks anything she enjoys. I never hit that low myself. Without activities that are fun and a forward view on life, it is easy to focus on the past and simply spiral down in those thoughts.
In other words, I am suggesting that you find things you enjoy and throw yourself into them. Establishing a network of friends and keeping busy is not revolutionary advice - and some would say it is ignoring the problem. In my opinion, however, looking forward and doing things you enjoy can only be a good thing whilst sitting and stewing over the past will not solve any problems and serves only to make you miserable.
Like I said, if it seems well off target - sorry. I am a firm believer in being active to move past a block.
EDIT \m/
Spoilered for back story about me.
At 17, I met my now husband, and the abuse reduced to psychological/emotional. He loved me better, and enabled me to be the person I am now. When I was 23 and married, my mum finally met my now dad, he loved her sober. She's still sober, they've been married for 25 years; he gave me my childhood mum back.
It took me a long time to forgive:
1. My dad for dying.
2. Myself for being angry with my dad.
3. My mum for being a drunk.
4. her boyfriend for abusing me.
5 My failure to stop the abuse of my mum and brother - crazy or what? I was a grieving 13 year old girl, being abused herself, but I blamed myself for so much.
So, what do I think you should do? Forgive yourself first. None of this was your fault; you couldn't have stopped it; the person you told who should have stopped it didn't - he let you down, you didn't let you down. Of course you feel bad, dreadful things happened to you that should never happen to any child, but they were not your fault. you can't change what haopened, but you can use it to make a difference for others.
Look at volunteering with kids groups, turn your experiences into good - help a child experience joy in their life.
We have fostered lots of children over the last 11 years, some of whom experienced abuse like I did. I was able to recognise it, and work in their lives for good. That also helped me - if God had allowed my abuse to happen, it must have been for a reason; the reason I have found is that I can help children overcome the crap that has happened in their lives, cos I know what living with that crap is like, and can love them through it.
Oh, and just because they are your parents does not mean you have to have them in your life, even if at some point you choose to forgive them.
When we had children, one of my driving forces as a parent was to make sure that they had the skills to deal with crap, that they knew some adults are crap but most are good, and that if anyone ever hurt them, I would fix it. children deserve our best, I'm sorry you were failed, you deserved better.
xoxoxo
For paintings in progress, check out canvas and paints
"The power of the weirdness compels me."
Spoiler: Small bits stupid childhood
My memory is kind of like Halfmex's. I can remember a lot...but, to still live with my stepdad and to keep giving him chances over the years I had to keep kind of wiping the slate clean. If I kept remembering all the shit he did and said it would just make things worse, so I just did my best to forget it because I was desperate to have a good family like I saw on TV or like my friends had(or I thought they had).
Turns out my (now ex) step-dad has narcissistic personality disorder...which I don't think is an excuse for his behavior, but at least helped explain a lot of the past to me, and forgive myself for "not being a better daughter and making him love me."
I've always been a people pleaser, and I like making people happy and I like them to like me. The stepdad would made all these arbitrary(and often conflicting rules) and punish you emotionally based on of you did them right or not. And he'd punish various people in my family based on something someone else would do. Such as when my brother was a baby, he was learning to walk and would fall down sometimes. He fell on his butt once and started crying...stepdad heard this from the other room and insisted that I had knocked him down on purpose(I was 10, and love my brother I would never do that) so I got screamed at and sent to my room. Or later when I was 17 he was heavily into MMO's and I would get screamed at because my youngest brother who was 5 would scream and cry at him that he was hungry and that would interupt his time on Asheron's Call...which was obviously my fault because my mom wasn't home and I wasn't home or was in my room so I would get punished for it.
Just before I moved away from home and he and my mom got a divorce...I would rarely be at home and he would feed what food mom would leave me to the dog once she'd go to bed, or he would scream at me to clean all the dishes because I got them dirty even though I hadn't been home in 3 days...once when I was 20 I had to have my military ID to go to a therapy session I'd signed up for and I had it the night before, and I couldn't find my purse in the morning. I found my purse thrown into a weird spot and panicked because I couldn't find my ID. He chewed me out for an hour, saying that I lost it so it was a security issue and he'd have to report it blah blah blah. It wasn't till I was thinking straight that I realized he took it so that he could yell at me.
This isn't everything...and probably not the worst of it...the worst part of it in my opinion were the lasting effects. I was never sure of myself, I was always nervous and trying to do things right...always apologizing for everything I did or didn't do even if I was right. I'd even apologize for things 100% out of my control. And if anyone even looked at me wrong, like they might be disappointed or tried to correct me in a helpful way I would start to cry and fell like I wanted to freak out. Hell...even if someone praised me, I would often freak out and cry because while I was trusting, I was almost sure it was somehow a trick to be snatched out from under my feet.
Thankfully, I was also determined to change. I was depressed for many years of my childhood but I fortunately ended up getting a very wonderful boyfriend/now husband that forced me to stop feeling sorry for things I couldn't control...and even for things that I could. I grew a lot from that process...but eventually as I became a stronger person I had to learn to deal with anger I didn't even knew I had. And learn how to forgive.
Like Lewie P's Mum it has taken me a long time to forgive myself, but it was a big step. Even recently I've gone through a period of anger with my mother because she can give me no good reason(and she admits this) of staying with my stepdad for 15 years. The only one she has is "he threatened to get custody of the boys"...he was crazy and neglectful, it obviously wouldn't have happened, and "I didn't want to be divorced twice, noone else in my family ever got divorced and they looked down on me for it". I'm 26 and I'm finally working through that issue...when in general my mother and I have had a pretty good relationship.
I have felt like you lately, wondering what it would've been like to have a good father. I suppose I take comfort in the fact that I think this 'perfect family' that we see on TV or the media or whatever...I think very few people have that. If you go around assuming everyone around you had this great childhood, of course you're going to feel isolated. Once you realize that many people around you have had fucked up families you may feel slightly less alone in this. Maybe their family wasn't as bad as yours, it's likely as in the case with us here they weren't, but at least we can relate and carry on and be happy...and so can you.
It sounds stupid saying "live your life for today", but really...once you start getting friends and a life built up around your new place of living, you can put your past away and know you never have to put up with your parents bullshit again if you don't want to. It hurts knowing that you spent 21 years on relationships that you want nothing to do with...it feels like wasted time, like you should have something to show for it. Don't waste anymore time or energy on your parents, develop a support network of good friends that care about you and that you care about.
Force yourself into social situations where you may not be entirely comfortable, go to a bar and just have a beer once a week. You'll be surprised at what good a little smalltalk can do.
There is no normal childhood. These vivacious images of the perfect childhood with two happy parents and a lovable pet dog do not exist. When you are a child you learn to interact with the world, take your parental figures attitude as a lesson on what not to do.
Realize it's your turn now. Pick a goal and go with it. Lose some weight, get in shape, learn an instrument. Do something that is entirely your choosing, it sounds silly, but it will eventually occur to you that everything you do from now on is your choosing.
You don't have to love your parents, there is no law that demands you do so. My mother fucked up, I blamed myself for a long while. Now I understand she's the one that has to live with it, and I talk to her as a friend once in a while, or an equal... but the relationship we "should" have had is gone, and I refuse to take responsibility for it.
You'll be angry, alone, and depressed sometimes, but that's life for everyone. It's what you do with the rest of the time that's important.
edit: The best piece of advice I ever gotwhen I was young was from an older friend of mine who went through the same thing. It's okay to be fucking pissed off. Don't discount your own emotions. You weren't "the subject" you were the human punching bag, because you're a goddamn human and deserve to be treated as one.
Additionally, I think a support group would be very helpful. I'm sure there are forums online for people in similar situations. Perhaps from there you can be directed to a local meeting group.
Finally, just keep building your independence, it's very important in your ability to move forward. You've gotten through the hardest part already.
First off, as has already been mentioned, try to live life how you want to live it, now. Make plans for your future, and try to push yourself to lay out some goals for yourself. It's good to be focused on doing the things you want to do, especially now that you're out of that living situation, and are on your own.
I've noticed that when I've felt depressed, I tend to look back and get into that exact pattern of thinking - "I wonder what it would've been like to grow up with 'normal' parents"....or "I never had that kind of childhood" or "I never had that close relationship with my parents", etc. etc. However, when I've been busy working towards my own personal goals and improving my own life, those thought patterns haven't been as apparent, if they're even there at all.
Falling into those thoughts was the worst for the first two years after I graduated from high school - probably hugely due to the fact that I was still geographically very close to both of my parents, and they were still in my life. Being away is definitely a good start, as is cutting off contact (it's a good thing you've done that with your mother...it took me a very, very long time before I understood that there wasn't any "rule" that said I had to love my parents or get along with them, or even speak with them. I'd grown up feeling guilty that I hated my parents for what they'd done to me, as if unconditional love and complete forgiveness was the only socially acceptable reaction to the abuse). Having time away to collect yourself is absolutely essential, and it will be easier for you to deal with now that you don't have to go through the emotional turmoil of having sporadic contact.
In order to make sense of what happened to me, I've also realized that, although horrible, my experiences have helped me become the person I am today. I've got a thicker skin, I've put my life in a direction I want to follow, and I've got solid moral and ethical beliefs that have been borne from learning exactly how not to treat people.
You are a better person than either of your parents have been, and are. Live your life to the fullest, and keep your head held high. Try to stop focusing on your own childhood experiences in how they're different from the idealized "standard". Doing what you want to in your life now won't change your past, but it will give you control of your future.
I've got a number of situations in my life where I'll realize I'm reacting oddly - like being incredibly stressed about the idea of carving chicken - and I've realized, over the years, that these odd reactions all result from aspects of my abuse (like my mother screaming at me for making the chicken "look bad" every time we had chicken for dinner, when I'd try to take some meat off of the bones, and then having her swear at me and call me names). Even though my mother was only yelling at me, and even though carving chicken is a very small, insignificant process...it somehow managed to work its way into my life and stick around, even though I'm 22 now and that all happened years ago. Figuring out where I'm acting oddly/nervously, and making the connections to my abuse has also helped me tackle these issues and gain a healthier perspective on them, once I'm able to think about the situations in a logical sense. As a result, I slowly learn to break the negative connection I have subconsciously to doing these activities. Some of these situations still get a reaction from me that I know isn't the healthiest...but it's a much, much less intense reaction than I used to get...and hey! That's a start.
Just know that you're not alone in this, and that none of it was your fault. Again, focus as much as you can on your future, and on improving your current state. Do activities that you enjoy, maybe activities that you couldn't do as a kid. Enjoy life. You've got a fresh slate to start from, now that your parents aren't in the picture anymore.
Halfmex, Steve Bennet, LewieP's Mummy, Thylacine, dispatch.o and NightDragon - Your stories are inspiring. It's reassuring to know others have gone through situations like this and come out on top. I can't express how much your openness about your pasts means to me.
DusT_Hound, proXimity, SammyF, Scooter, Platypus Beirut, Feral, Teslan26, and Balgair - Your advice is greatly appreciated and you've all given me a lot to think about. I am going to be contacting my local BBBS to see about being a Big, I've always liked kids and I think you're right about me helping them out. I'm actively trying to find a support group and hopefully therapy soon.
I know this is going to be a long road to travel and that there will be more ups and downs on my way to recovery. For the first time in a long time I'm actually looking forward to my future. I'm working on forgiving myself and realizing that it wasn't my fault and that I'm not to blame. I've already started defining goals for my life and I'm going to talk to some friends about playing some baseball this weekend.
I really can't find the words to express my gratitude to you all. Thank you.
As too many people in here, I have been abused too. I have seen the wrong end of many kitchen implements and have some vivid memories of my mother making me pick where I wanted the boiling water...
Finally, when I was 17, my mother told me I was a means to an end, she was trying to save her failing marriage and as that had failed (this was right after a divorce) she now wanted freedom and I no longer fitted in her life. At that point I broke all contact for 7 years.
Of course, the question now is how do you deal with that? The simplest answer is, unfortunately, the worst one: you don't. It is natural to want to have a good relationship with your parents and you cannot have that. It sucks, and it will probably hurt forever.
The good news is that that pain becomes more and more of a background thing once you 'leave things behind'. How that exactly looks is different for all of us, I guess. For me, it meant insulating myself sufficiently from my parents to have them not hurt me (as much as possible) and then I resumed contact. This works for me, most probably because of the metric ton of therapy I had allowing me to let quite a bit of it go. For other people this might mean a clean break without ever looking back...you'll have to figure that one out yourself, I can't tell you what to do. I can however give some hints how to figure it out.
Set some long term goals and short term goals. When you work towards these, you will grow more confident and thereby more independent of your parents. This may not be in a rational way (i.e. economically) but emotionally it does work.
See a freaking therapist. Yes, talking about this stuff, crying your heart out about it and having a third party to observe what is real and what is not is invaluable in these cases. Can't pay one? Find a pro bono one, eat dry bread, work a second job, whatever....get that therapy, it is an investment that counts towards your enjoyment of life. And you don't want to cheap out on happiness, do you?
If you can't, learn to cry about this stuff (a good therapist will help you with this). Crying helps to let go of stuff, to accept it and to give it a place in life, as long as you cannot cry about this, you cannot gain distance from it.
Talk about it, to yourself, out loud. Yes, I know, only crazy people talk to themselves, but this helped me a great deal. As you do so, you'll probably want to cry, curse, punch something, whatever. Let go of that feeling, do it, cry, swear, whatever (do this alone, you don't want to alienate anyone), just let go.
Learn to feel this stuff, but in moderation. No one likes a self-pitying person, so don't become one. Yes, you had a rough and you may complain, but overdo it and you just become annoying. So don't!
Pick up a sport. Doing something physical helps you not think about this stuff, if only temporarily. That peace of mind (even though it might not last) will make life more enjoyable. Given that you cannot pay for a therapist, I suggest scraping together a 100 bucks and getting some running shoes.
Live healthy! Besides sports, this involves healthy food at set times and enough (but not too much), regular sleep. It'll make you feel better and give more energy which can go towards suppressing this stuff when you don't want to think about it.
I know a lot of these things are hard to do when you are borderline depressed and confused about this. However, forcing yourself to do so helps. Also, don't go nuts on these points, one by one is enough.
Finally, the upshot of this all is that once you learn to live with this (and you will, because you recognize you have a problem and are willing to accept help) you'll be a better individual, parent and partner making you happier in live.
Good luck and hang in there!
Talk to a lawyer and find out what your options and chances are.
I did go to therapy for a short bit, concerning my mother -- and the therapist told me that instead of dwelling on figuring out why she treated me the way that she did, I should pity her and just hope she finds inner peace before it's too late -- and that there is no way for me to help her do that. For whatever reason, pitying her as opposed to pitying myself really helped me, and I'd never thought to pity her before.
It's been about 8 years since therapy for me, and I still have occasional spaz attacks. I don't think there will ever be a way to really forget it, and it takes a LOT to re-train yourself to trust people when they're in an authority position -- but you have to try, and most importantly, you have to prove to yourself that YOU are A THOUSAND-BAZILLION TIMES BETTER THAN THE PERSON WHO TREATED YOU THAT WAY. You owe no one anything, you just owe it to yourself to try and not let your past get all up in your grill.
I'm always available if you need to talk on MSN/email.
If you reclaim the rest of your life, you're conquering your parents
If you lose more of your life too this, you're giving more weight and power to everything they ever did.
Your life is only really starting and you have a LONG time to do and learn things. Don't ruin what you could have dwelling on what you've missed. Instead, try to let your experiences add value by contrast to good times.
I host a podcast about movies.
As for this comment, I would say do the opposite. Have no contact with them at all. From what I have read about your experiences, talking to your parents, even being around them would not be a good idea. Getting into a lawsuit with them would just increase your anxiety, and, even if you won, would probably be worse off for you in the long run.
I have no idea what you would be offered in the US, but if you are Canadian, mental health services exsists for a reason. Therapy is provided free of charge to people who need it.
If you are in the states, I would suggest a support group. I have no idea if they charge for these things, but I think you could benefit from a group situation.
I am sorry to hear about your situation, but pleased that you are seeking a solution! Thats the first step! Good luck!
This is a terrible idea. It will only cause more heartache and emotional trauma for you, dealing with the court is a very frustrating thing to do.
GM: Rusty Chains (DH Ongoing)
Your parents probably learned it from their parents.
Take solace in the fact that you can also end the cycle of abuse with you. Treat your future kids right.
You got dealt a crappy hand buddy, but if you can deal with and grow from this, life has little left to throw at you.
sob story:
asian kids are beat with every food group, periodic element, clothes garment known to man and taught that it was the norm. Thank the Lord times are changing.
Seconding BBBS.
PSN: Broichan
My one suggestion is to maybe hold off plunging in to a role where you are working with kids right off, at least until you are in a stable therapeutic relationship. Growing up in a fucked up environment shapes your dealings with other humans, your gut reactions to things, your ability to empathize and interpret other people's reactions to things, etc. 21 is young, and from the sounds of things, plenty raw still from all you've had heaped upon you.
You sound like you have the capacity to be a tremendous mentor, parent, and, well, actual mature adult. But you have your whole life in front of you. I respectfully suggest taking whatever steps you need to get your emotional house in order and establish some mutually supportive adult relationships before you take on building relationships with kids. None of this is your fault, but having been dealt this shitty hand of cards, tread lightly as you work out the best ways to interact with kids.
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