Another Girl Drama Thread (TLDRs Need Not Apply)
Bachi
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Alrighty, this is actually my first post here but I’ve been following PA for years and actually watching the forums for quite some time yet I’ve never been motivated to contribute myself. Now I find myself in the middle of relationship chaos and decided it would be a good idea to get advice from people who can step-back from the situation; rather than biased friends and family.
I’m not entirely sure where to begin so I’ll just give a brief history of my relationship with this girl and then jump into the problem.
We met about six months ago and instantly had chemistry with one another, which was something rare for the both of us. The relationship started off great, in what you could call a “talking†phase I suppose, with no official label on it. However, we are both college students and quickly after we met and started to get to know one another it was time for the Winter Break, and as we don’t come from the same place, we were apart for over a month. During this time I felt as if we both tried to keep it casual, talking to one another occasionally but never visiting because it was too early for something like that. However, upon my return to school in January I found out that she was hurt and upset by our lack of a continued and deepening relationship over the break. I thought that it would be too aggressive to try and do something over long-distance, yet she wanted me to and due to bad communication on both of our parts the relationship took a major hit. She felt as if I regretted the time we had spent prior to the break and was just going to slowly disappear, and this is obviously not what I wanted. So, long story short we finally worked things out over the next couple weeks and found ourselves back in that “talking†phase after she trusted me again.
At this point, we are basically back where we started with only about two months of class left before summer break. To complicate things further, she was graduating and I was not, so we only had this short amount of time to see if what was between us was worth trying to sustain long distance as we would be in a situation of not living in the same place for a number of years. So, we continued the song and dance of being around one another yet still never with an official relationship label, yet doing the things a normal couple would. We would talk about what the relationship was and what it meant considering she was graduating and basically came to the conclusion that we wouldn’t change our dynamic at this point, just keep things how they were and see what happened after she moved. (This was mainly her idea, I feel because she did not trust that I would still be involved once she moved, because of what happened over Winter Break)
This is where our problems began, we actually got into a little argument over the whole “not dating yet, see what happens first†conversation because we were obviously more than friends and that was the next logical step, and not something to be ignored from my point of view. I knew what she meant by saying this, but the way she put it seemed to convey that we were just going to be friends from this point on, and if something happened after she moved, so be it. After this, over the next couple of weeks we seemed to get into some sort of petty argument every time we spent time together, and although these were both our faults, I admittedly overreacted to some things to the point where I said that maybe we shouldn’t talk to each other at all anymore. A few days passed after that and I realized I had handled things poorly and a lot of my frustration was coming from the fact that she was moving and I felt like I was losing her. So I tried to make peace, and eventually did but only the day before she was moving. Then the next day, she came over to say goodbye and during that time she stepped into the other room on a phone call. I came in the room, and overheard her say “Yeah and I told him I didn’t want to date.†I thought to myself, is she talking about me right in front of me? (She had seen and acknowledge me walk into the room) But then she mentioned the name Nick, and Nick is not my name. So, this thoroughly confused me, and although I was dying to ask her about it I knew I couldn’t bring it up and start an argument on our last night together. (But I can’t help but wonder if she was seeing another guy? Or perhaps it was just some friend that had feelings for her and she did not feel the same way, I don’t know). But then we said our goodbyes and said that we would definitely keep in touch and her words were “This isn’t over.â€
So, at this point we are talking pretty much once a day at least, initiated by both her and me, but I am putting in way more effort. For example, I may begin with a text and not hear from her until six hours later, and I feel like this is intentional, whereas if she calls me I will just answer because I am trying to make things work. To put it simply I feel like we’re back in high school at the point of playing insecure games to see if we like one another, and this is very frustrating. She won’t call me back for extended periods of time, or act aloof about us not talking, and I try to mimic the same behavior but obviously as I am the one who messed things up over winter break, and caused some strife right before she left, I ultimately feel as if I have to play the game to show her I care. I will give one example to try and make things more clear: last night I had called her and she answered but told me she was on the phone, and said “yatta yatta on the phone, but I’ll call you back right after, stay near your phone!†So I expected to hear back from her, and when I hadn’t in three hours I called back to see if everything was alright, and she answered normally as if she had completely forgotten about calling me back, and so I didn’t bring it up. She went on to say that she was painting and asked if she could call me after, I said sure, and she mentioned for me to call her if I decided I was going to bed. Then at about 2:30 am she texted me asking if I was up, I said yes and we had a small conversation but then I called her, since that is what I wanted to do initially, and she did not answer. So I texted again and she said “Sorry! Was brushing my teeth†instead of calling back, so we then exchanged like two more texts and right after she sent one, I called again, and no answer. This frustrated me so I did nothing else, and the last thing said between as was her aforementioned text.
As I said, it seems like she’s just playing games with me, but this girl and I really liked each other, and she has done probably half of the initiating since she left, so I don’t know what to think. And so I guess that’s what I asking for here, I know I gave a really abridged version of what happened with only one example and I can go into further detail if need be. But yeah, any thoughts appreciated and sorry if this was choppy or run-on just tried to get it all down in a hurry.
I’m not entirely sure where to begin so I’ll just give a brief history of my relationship with this girl and then jump into the problem.
We met about six months ago and instantly had chemistry with one another, which was something rare for the both of us. The relationship started off great, in what you could call a “talking†phase I suppose, with no official label on it. However, we are both college students and quickly after we met and started to get to know one another it was time for the Winter Break, and as we don’t come from the same place, we were apart for over a month. During this time I felt as if we both tried to keep it casual, talking to one another occasionally but never visiting because it was too early for something like that. However, upon my return to school in January I found out that she was hurt and upset by our lack of a continued and deepening relationship over the break. I thought that it would be too aggressive to try and do something over long-distance, yet she wanted me to and due to bad communication on both of our parts the relationship took a major hit. She felt as if I regretted the time we had spent prior to the break and was just going to slowly disappear, and this is obviously not what I wanted. So, long story short we finally worked things out over the next couple weeks and found ourselves back in that “talking†phase after she trusted me again.
At this point, we are basically back where we started with only about two months of class left before summer break. To complicate things further, she was graduating and I was not, so we only had this short amount of time to see if what was between us was worth trying to sustain long distance as we would be in a situation of not living in the same place for a number of years. So, we continued the song and dance of being around one another yet still never with an official relationship label, yet doing the things a normal couple would. We would talk about what the relationship was and what it meant considering she was graduating and basically came to the conclusion that we wouldn’t change our dynamic at this point, just keep things how they were and see what happened after she moved. (This was mainly her idea, I feel because she did not trust that I would still be involved once she moved, because of what happened over Winter Break)
This is where our problems began, we actually got into a little argument over the whole “not dating yet, see what happens first†conversation because we were obviously more than friends and that was the next logical step, and not something to be ignored from my point of view. I knew what she meant by saying this, but the way she put it seemed to convey that we were just going to be friends from this point on, and if something happened after she moved, so be it. After this, over the next couple of weeks we seemed to get into some sort of petty argument every time we spent time together, and although these were both our faults, I admittedly overreacted to some things to the point where I said that maybe we shouldn’t talk to each other at all anymore. A few days passed after that and I realized I had handled things poorly and a lot of my frustration was coming from the fact that she was moving and I felt like I was losing her. So I tried to make peace, and eventually did but only the day before she was moving. Then the next day, she came over to say goodbye and during that time she stepped into the other room on a phone call. I came in the room, and overheard her say “Yeah and I told him I didn’t want to date.†I thought to myself, is she talking about me right in front of me? (She had seen and acknowledge me walk into the room) But then she mentioned the name Nick, and Nick is not my name. So, this thoroughly confused me, and although I was dying to ask her about it I knew I couldn’t bring it up and start an argument on our last night together. (But I can’t help but wonder if she was seeing another guy? Or perhaps it was just some friend that had feelings for her and she did not feel the same way, I don’t know). But then we said our goodbyes and said that we would definitely keep in touch and her words were “This isn’t over.â€
So, at this point we are talking pretty much once a day at least, initiated by both her and me, but I am putting in way more effort. For example, I may begin with a text and not hear from her until six hours later, and I feel like this is intentional, whereas if she calls me I will just answer because I am trying to make things work. To put it simply I feel like we’re back in high school at the point of playing insecure games to see if we like one another, and this is very frustrating. She won’t call me back for extended periods of time, or act aloof about us not talking, and I try to mimic the same behavior but obviously as I am the one who messed things up over winter break, and caused some strife right before she left, I ultimately feel as if I have to play the game to show her I care. I will give one example to try and make things more clear: last night I had called her and she answered but told me she was on the phone, and said “yatta yatta on the phone, but I’ll call you back right after, stay near your phone!†So I expected to hear back from her, and when I hadn’t in three hours I called back to see if everything was alright, and she answered normally as if she had completely forgotten about calling me back, and so I didn’t bring it up. She went on to say that she was painting and asked if she could call me after, I said sure, and she mentioned for me to call her if I decided I was going to bed. Then at about 2:30 am she texted me asking if I was up, I said yes and we had a small conversation but then I called her, since that is what I wanted to do initially, and she did not answer. So I texted again and she said “Sorry! Was brushing my teeth†instead of calling back, so we then exchanged like two more texts and right after she sent one, I called again, and no answer. This frustrated me so I did nothing else, and the last thing said between as was her aforementioned text.
As I said, it seems like she’s just playing games with me, but this girl and I really liked each other, and she has done probably half of the initiating since she left, so I don’t know what to think. And so I guess that’s what I asking for here, I know I gave a really abridged version of what happened with only one example and I can go into further detail if need be. But yeah, any thoughts appreciated and sorry if this was choppy or run-on just tried to get it all down in a hurry.
Bachi on
0
Posts
This girl most decidedly does not like you enough to date you. Just be a casual acquaintance. Move on, plenty of fish and all that jazz.
Seriously, don't think of this girl as romantic relationship material, because she is definitely not interested.
Sorry mate.
You should make clear that you want to be moving towards a romantic relationship with her, though, and that if she's not on board your ship is sailing.
From where I'm sitting it looks like neither of you were committed or courageous or passionate enough to take it from the "talking" stage to the "relationship" stage. During that Winter Break, if she really wanted you, SHE could have also initiated things with YOU, rather than bitching to you after that. And then, AFTER bitching to you, you guys just return to this "Talking" stage without actually moving forward.
Then, suddenly, she's moved away without you guys actually putting yourselves in the "relationship" boat when you had the chance to be face-to-face... and NOW you are trying to do something serious over a longer distance?
Sorry. Neither of you want it enough. She seems to want to keep you around for the connection, but not for more than that. And even if this isn't the case, you are lousy at imparting your feelings to her, and for all you know, because of THAT, she does not feel wanted.
Just like she could have initiated something and said "I want to try being in a real relationship with you before I leave," you could've said the same thing when you realized you had two months left. Instead you both danced around the issue, neither of you feel particularly wanted by the other but you both SORTA KINDA want to be together A BIT so you're trying to maintain a long-distance relationship?
Right.
With regards to making it clear that you want a romantic relationship with her, that ship has sailed. You should've done it before she left. Now she thinks you've let her go without a fight, and a girl who flips out over what happened at Winter Break almost absolutely thinks that.
What you have both done is develop a wholly unromantic, passionless, lukewarm connection with one another WHEN YOU HAD ONE ANOTHER RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU. How do you expect this to improve over a longer distance?
It almost seems like both of you just want to stay connected to someone you "kinda sorta" like just so that you have someone there... and maybe push it forward from there, instead of stepping back and finding someone you feel far more strongly and passionate about.
Your move from here? Maintaining a long-distance relationship IN THIS CASE is not worth the aggravation. She doesn't want you enough, you don't want her enough, and even if neither of those things are true BOTH of you lack the balls it takes to come out and say I WANT YOU. Move on.
Have EITHER of you made clear what you want from the other?
Was it ever mentioned that you two are exclusive? If not, then Vivi is correct and Nick is none of your business.
If you're not exclusive, then I would start spreading the wealth. See what is out there my young friend.
Regardless, you need to ask your friend, who is a girl, what she wants/expects/needs out of this relationship. Then you can go from there.
Ask her the fuck out, man. You got yourself a grown woman here who most likely wanted you to ask her out over winter break. She wants you to man up and show some initiative.
She already said she doesn't want to date him. But now she is giving him "mixed signals" or something like that. Trust me, this ship (if there even was one) has sailed long ago.