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Family relations.
Sara Lynn
I can handle myself.Registered User regular
I can handle myself.Registered User regular
So I'm not sure what brought me to post about this here, but I lack people to talk to about it. Everyone is somehow connected -- either they know me personally and only say what I want to hear, or.. it's my mother, and yeah, anything she says is so biased it isn't even funny.
The circumstances of this problem have a large backstory, which I'm going to cut down because that's the nice think to do. Long story short, my dad started cheating on my mom while she was pregnant with me. He left for the first time when I was in 5th grade, and then came back (my mother's mother begged, and well she's a cute old lady and you gotta respect her faith in humanity) and then was kicked out of my house something like 5 years ago by my mother. Now they're getting a divorce.
Me and my dad have never had a relationship, more like he likes to think he does with me. He still thinks I'm friends with the same people since like junior high, and this year I turned 20 and he left me an email saying 'happy 21st', which was the second time he made that mistake about how old I was this year. Anyway, suffice to say after telling him I don't know what to say anymore he hasn't called me since April. I haven't seen him since before then, so it's been awhile.
Next week is a hearing to have him pay the support he owes us. He is to work enough a week to provide us with $600, which isn't a lot of work. My dad makes 120k a year, but we've probably been living off 25k since I can remember. Anyway, back to the point, he's been taking off work so we get less money. Shoot to 6 months later he owes us over 4k, and he's to give us that money or.. he goes to jail.
So at 9:15 on Wednesday he'll either give us the money, ensuring we'll have a Christmas and I'll have books for next semester, or he goes to jail and force him to work 5 days a week.
I don't want to reach out to my father, persay, I really have no interest in his existence or anything he has to say about me. He constantly lies to his friends and family about my relationship with him, and that bugs me enough. I just keep thinking if I say hey, we're having a hard time and if you ever want to start working off bad karma you need to give us the money we're entitled to.
My mom says this would make him happy, because it's her opinion (and some of mine) that he's trying to starve us out on purpose. I just keep wanting to think he forgets that I suffer when she suffers. I know he hates her, but he doesn't hate me. Can't I be leverage? My mom says it wouldn't be worth spending time with him just for the money, but I'm really starting to beg to differ on this.
If I do call him, my mom will be furious. I know this. She says 'I don't care, do what you want' in the way that it obviously means 'If you call him, you will hurt me' kind of way. I love my mother, but she never has and probably never will make this easy for me.
Has anyone had issues with your parents' divorce, or divorces in general? I know we'll eventually get a settlement, but we're not even a year into the 2-years a divorce can last until the judge just rules out on it. I hate my father but I'm willing to put up with him if it means we can have a Christmas, and live comfortable and happy and not live paycheck to paycheck.
I don't care what anyone says, parents never ever understand what divorce does to their kids, at any age. How can you play tug of war with a 20 year old?
The circumstances of this problem have a large backstory, which I'm going to cut down because that's the nice think to do. Long story short, my dad started cheating on my mom while she was pregnant with me. He left for the first time when I was in 5th grade, and then came back (my mother's mother begged, and well she's a cute old lady and you gotta respect her faith in humanity) and then was kicked out of my house something like 5 years ago by my mother. Now they're getting a divorce.
Me and my dad have never had a relationship, more like he likes to think he does with me. He still thinks I'm friends with the same people since like junior high, and this year I turned 20 and he left me an email saying 'happy 21st', which was the second time he made that mistake about how old I was this year. Anyway, suffice to say after telling him I don't know what to say anymore he hasn't called me since April. I haven't seen him since before then, so it's been awhile.
Next week is a hearing to have him pay the support he owes us. He is to work enough a week to provide us with $600, which isn't a lot of work. My dad makes 120k a year, but we've probably been living off 25k since I can remember. Anyway, back to the point, he's been taking off work so we get less money. Shoot to 6 months later he owes us over 4k, and he's to give us that money or.. he goes to jail.
So at 9:15 on Wednesday he'll either give us the money, ensuring we'll have a Christmas and I'll have books for next semester, or he goes to jail and force him to work 5 days a week.
I don't want to reach out to my father, persay, I really have no interest in his existence or anything he has to say about me. He constantly lies to his friends and family about my relationship with him, and that bugs me enough. I just keep thinking if I say hey, we're having a hard time and if you ever want to start working off bad karma you need to give us the money we're entitled to.
My mom says this would make him happy, because it's her opinion (and some of mine) that he's trying to starve us out on purpose. I just keep wanting to think he forgets that I suffer when she suffers. I know he hates her, but he doesn't hate me. Can't I be leverage? My mom says it wouldn't be worth spending time with him just for the money, but I'm really starting to beg to differ on this.
If I do call him, my mom will be furious. I know this. She says 'I don't care, do what you want' in the way that it obviously means 'If you call him, you will hurt me' kind of way. I love my mother, but she never has and probably never will make this easy for me.
Has anyone had issues with your parents' divorce, or divorces in general? I know we'll eventually get a settlement, but we're not even a year into the 2-years a divorce can last until the judge just rules out on it. I hate my father but I'm willing to put up with him if it means we can have a Christmas, and live comfortable and happy and not live paycheck to paycheck.
I don't care what anyone says, parents never ever understand what divorce does to their kids, at any age. How can you play tug of war with a 20 year old?
Sara Lynn on
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Projection.
As to the financial stuff. It would be great if your dad sacked up and paid his back support, but IMHO you are paying a price for that. If you're willing to deal with your father just for his money, well that seems kind of wrong to me.
And would you really be happy with whom you'd have to be grateful to for financial assistance anyway? Not like he even seems a dependable person in the first place.
You're 20 now. It's time to rely on yourself. There are going to be lean X-Mases in your life. I had plenty myself.
Mine 2 cents.
- Adam Savage, 'Mythbusters'
I guess even if it's greedy, sometimes you get tired of doing without. Sure, people have it a lot worse, but I guess that's just the ugly side of humanity or something.
All I can do is cross my fingers, I guess. It's gonna be a long week.
That being said, if there's nothing you can really do about it, just do your best to relax and keep your mind off it. (Easier said than done, I know).
Good luck.
I feel for you. I tried explaining this same idea (mom suffers, sister and I suffer) to my father a few years ago.
It worked to some extent, but you have to explain to him what you really need from him.
My father left my mother(they were never married), my twin brother and me when we were two, moving across the country. I really only remeber him coming to see me and my brother once in our life. Growing up without a father sucks so fucking hard.
My mother says he doesn't like to visit or think about me and my brother because it reminds him of a time he really fucked up.
I don't have any advice to give you; I can only say that I feel for you, dude.
I'm 19, btw.
I wonder what my dad's prison name would be. Maybe "Big Bro Baldspot" or something. My mom says that he'd go to jail just to prove a point that we're "ruining his life", but it's hard for me to grasp that anyone could be that stupid and dramatic. Although..
Anyway, thank you for all that have replied so far. I guess the only thing I can really do is hope, I'm very close with my mother so I'd rather not upset her by contacting him.
I don't think I can fix things, but maybe he really is the heartless jerk my mom says he is. He tells everyone he pays for my school, when my mom's using her life savings to put me through it. It's nice that in his pretend world, he's supporting us, at least..
This sounds ridiculously like the situation my family has gone through, except that my parents didn't actually get divorced till my dad went to jail (for trying to pick up a 15-year-old, woo). I needed money to finish college (for housing, specifically, which the company he had worked for pre-jail previously paid most of). I told him he had to give it to me, he did (probably expecting a relationship to follow). I have seen him twice since then.
I don't think you should discount giving him a phone call to tell him what a dick he is if it means getting the money you need to live on. If you want to avoid him in the future, avoid him. Are you using him? Maybe, but he's been using you to pretend he's a great dad for some time now, so at least you're helping him live up to his bragging.
He moved back to the state I live in now so he could claim it was to be closer to us, but in fact it only lowered the amount he had to pay monthly (which he didn't anyway.)
I haven't seen him in two years.
At age 12 my dad asked me to give my mother one last chance and she alsmost killed me and two of my siblings. I haven't spoken to her since. I'm now 20. Out of her four childern only one is under 18 and only the two youngest speak to her. She's never paid any child support and she's never been taken to court for back child support (I'm jealous that it's actually happening for you!) But while we counted on free breakfast and lunch at school and were eating hotdogs for dinner the state forced my father to pay back the welfare she claimed while he was working and going to school, he moved out because she wouldn't let him study. Life is definitely unfair.
Take advantage of every sort of aide and welfare that you can get instead and don't blink as your father goes to jail getting what he deserves. You, as a trustworthy person, can make sure you pay your own dues.
I can walk by my mother with out giving it a second thought. She deserves no affection from me. Every year for my birthday she drives to my house to bring me flowers and I have my kid sister, who is very close to her, bring them into the house from her car. By the time my mother drives around the corner she can she me dumping them in the garbage. It doesn't phase me because since I was 10 the birthday money she'd give me would go straight from the flowery mother-daughter hallmark card simply inscribed with "I love you and miss you! -Mom" into my dad's rough old wallet so we could have dinner for the next couple days.
I have no sympathy for absent dead beat parents because it's a choice.
It's probably the most difficult thing to do, for some, but you have a choice in who you allow to effect your life.
They can certainly have their down-trodden hardships but divorce stories don't have to be all gloomy. The best thing that ever happend to me was my parents divorce and not having my mother in my life has been nothing but beneficial to my well-being.
tl;dr
You don't need shit from your dad. Fuck 'em.
Sadly, being a decent human being is not one of the prerequisites of procreation. Caring for a child, on the other hand, does necessitate a modicum of decency, and that's where a lot of parents fall short.
My advice to you would be not to involve yourself in this situation any further. Your father has chosen this path for himself; it doesn't sound as though anyone forced him to not make enough effort to get to know his child. While I can't tell you how to feel, I would advise you not to let this make you bitter. Your father's (as with anyone else) choices are his own; they only affect you as much as you allow them to. Instead, remain open to the possibility of a future reconciliation and use the knowledge of your personal situation to shape your goals as a parent, should you decide to become one in the future. Good luck to you and your mother.
He did make a choice, I guess that little girl inside of me will always be hurt that I was never wanted. He used me to go see his girlfriends, to impress them by being such a good father, I was just his daughter when it was convenient.
I feel lucky we have what we have, a safe roof above our head and a trust of men. Because I know if I listened to everything my mother said, I'd probably be one of those girls that thinks all men are dogs, ect ect. I still will probably have abandonment issues, but, he hasn't changed my view of people. I think that's important too.
Thanks again all! You're all very sweet.
It's tough to be caught in the middle, even if you think you can pick a 'right side'.
You sound like you have a good head, but never be too proud to seek out help. From what you said in the beginning, and the fact that you have come here, it seems to me that you could use an objective party to just talk to and have them listen. Most colleges have free on campus counseling, never be afraid to use it. It can be an incredible experience to talk to someone this way, and you could find a release that isn't availalbe elsewhere. In short.... couldn't really hurt, so keep it in mind.
Best of Luck dealing, and keep truckin'.
It's hard not having a dad, I've learned that since I lost my stepfather a few years ago. But you gotta deal, god knows I haven't dealt so well in the past but it sounds like you are already doing better with that.
But yeah, good luck with everything. I hope he gives you what he owes you. Just don't compromise your relationship with your mom to pander to someone proven to be unreliable.
I wouldn't worry to much about it, you'll get your money eventually one way or another, but this is something that has to work itself out I think.
My mom cheated on my dad and ultimately left our family to be with dude #2. My parents got divorced and by some mystical twist of the legal system or something, she still got more than half of everything in the settlement, despite my dad keeping the kids.
She had always been dependant on my dad (she was a house wife for the most part) and when it didn't work out with dude #2, she tried to crawl back to us despite the fact that she had stayed completely out of contact for the last several years. My dad pretty much went "ahahaha, hell no". By that time I was 21 and fresh out of college with a new job. She came crawling to me for help and being the good son that I am, I let her leech off over 10 grand from me over the next year or so. She had no job and was living off whatever money she had saved up plus what I was giving her. I was naive enough to think that me forking over a third of my paychecks would mend the relationship she had with her kids (my only condition for me "lending" her the money was for her to stay in contact with my sister at least once a week).
After a while I told her I couldn't give her money anymore for now and that she seriously needs to get a job of her own. I still have a fat student loan to pay off, I was living in a festering cave of an apartment and she never kept her end of the bagain by staying in contact with my sister. She only called me when she needed money.
I was told I was a greedy son. I responded with a few choice words and have not spoken to her since. I'm now 23 and much happier that I don't have to "buy" my mother's attention.
What have I learned from this giant-ass block of text that should probably go in some livejournal? My story differs from yours somwhat, but my opinion stands - I shouldn't have gotten involved. It ended up hurting me and those immediately around me who actually do give a damn about me.
Anytime the ex calls which is maybe twice a year it's "Hey gimmie some money, the kids need this or that" which is all fine and dandy, hell it's not thier fault thier mom is a fucking psychopath.
When money comes into play and I've seen it happen with friends over the years and myself you need to make an effort to have a relationship with whoever is doing the paying. If the only time you call or talk to him is to ask for money then all he/she is going to do is blow you off. Your no longer a family member when all you do is ask for money and show no real signs you want a realtionship with your father/mother.
This was my point. Any guy is a scumbag for not making his payments, I'll agree to that, but openly admitting you don't want want a relationship with him, just his money is just as bad.
Also I know this varies state to state but where I live support stops when children are 18. And from the way this is described the OP was 19 when this started.
If that's the case, I'm trying to see why he owes? Grown children, grown EX, what exactly does he owe for?
So I guess it's alamony.
It's not "just as bad." He owes them. It's called back childsupport. He owes them years of what they didn't get.
It's called parental responsibilty. You don't stop being a parent when your kid hits 18. For instance, the poster and I are still going to college. And we have to pay for it some how when there is a viable source of income that we are not recieving. And in regards to college and the US government, they still hold parents fiscally responsible until the child is 24.
So, parents shouldn't be allowed to wiggle and scheme their way out of payments for 18 years and then act like nothing happend.
Maybe I'm just really cold about it, but I take a "Bitch better have my money" stance on it.
Most people and the government are cool with absentee parents... just sign the fucking checks.
Alimony is what your mother will get from your father after they divorce. Backchild support and alimony are two very different things.
My mom's a wreck, and she cemented my worries (that I didn't mention, I have anxiety and a lot of my worries are unfounded) that he was planning to kill us so he didn't have to give us his money. Well, he said he'd kill HER, not me. I guess that's important or something. He doesn't know we know he said it, he told his father, but we found out from my mom's mother inlaw.
So I think I'm gonna lie down.. or something.
I'm not saying you're not entitled to the child support money the courts have awarded you, just that I don't think it's as simple as you make it out to be, that he has tons of money kicking around but he just won't give it to you. You may be lining up behind a bunch of other financial entities to get at the money your father brings in, in which case you might not see the money you're owed for a while depending on what the court decides. It would probably be wise to hope for the best, but plan for the worst.
I would hope that at some point the court would force him to disclose his actual income and expenses, but I really don't know how the system works, or what rights he can exercise within it. Do you have representation that you can ask about that? Whether it's possible to get the court to disclose his actual earnings so they can see what a lying sack of shit he is, and garnish his wages accordingly?
But this guy sounds like a complete fuck stick. He doesn't deserve your attention even if he has to buy it.
About the killing your mom thing...police ftw, seriously. Sue too for emotional damages.
I fucking hate guys like this, sorry.
3DS: 1650-8480-6786
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I just know him well enough. He has to have a huge stash of money, because he likes going on expensive vacations. Him not working enough is making him suffer more than us, why work 3 days of a week and get 100something dollars? He has to have money somewhere, if he can afford to starve us out.
This is coming from a guy who couldn't help me out for college cause he 'didn't have any money', and then later we find a 300 dollar digital camera box in his things and receipts for the watches his buys his girlfriends.
My mom has the best lawyer in town, and I'm not very smart about all this stuff either. So we're glad we have him, otherwise I really have no idea what we're entitled to.
We'll keep fighting, he won't win.
I don't want to defend the guy, because it's not cool to abandon your child, but it's definitely possible for people to make a very comfortable salary and still be poor.
Suffice it to say when she got tired of him freeloading, he was forced to get another job and his wages were garnished immediately.
I'm not saying Sara's father is doing the same thing or not, but it certainly does happen more often than one might think.
A man who does shit like this is not a man.
3DS: 1650-8480-6786
Switch: SW-0653-8208-4705
Now I have an addiction to games that is quite difficult to manage. At 18, he wrote me the fuck off. I have called him MANY times (not for money, just to talk) and he acts all excited and says "Yeah we'll get together next week or in a couple weeks" and "I'll call you and we'll work something out".
Except, he never calls. I always have to make the attempt, and he never reciprocates at all. After so many attempts, I've just kind of given up.
Also:
When he left my mother started dating. She has horrible taste in men it seems as each guy was an asshole. Eventually my sister was born and this guy my mom had been seeing for a few years was now a pretty solid member of the family. He was abusive. Verbally, and emotionally, and occasionally, physically.
Eventually, he was involved in a car accident, and can no longer walk. He has a really terrible brain injury. He broke every bone in his body, EXCEPT his neck and back (if you can believe it). Ribs, Arms, Wrists, Hands, Legs, Feet, all broken. His skull was cracked.
I secretly wished for these things to happen. I'll probably go to hell for it, if hell exists, but at least he isn't beating up on anyone anymore.
Actually, I lot of companies are done with hiring for now. I'd suggest nailing down a restaurant gig, but it's not for everyone. If you have stress right now, it will be magnified, I'm not even kidding.