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More Social Awkwardness
Pika
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I suppose this will be more of a vent than advice seeking, for which I apologize. I'm not a terribly socially awkward person, in fact, most people would say I'm amazingly out-going and easy to talk to. However, I can't keep any friends. For some reason, I always end up getting annoyed with them or just don't feel the urge to contact them anymore. My longest friendship is with a buddy I met about 8 years ago, and to date, we've only ever hung out in person maybe three times. He's the only person I talk to on a somewhat consistent basis. Everyone else, I rarely contact, and if I do, I cut off communication immediately because I get annoyed.
The thing is, I frequently get the urge to just call someone up to go catch a movie or hang out, but there's nobody to call. I recently moved to a new city, and know nobody, not that it makes a difference. I go to school, and talk to classmates, but I never want to continue discussion outside of class. Between classes or after classes, I put on some music and ignore everybody.
Perhaps I'm just too picky about who I want to be friends with? Maybe I'm too arrogant? It just seems like everybody on my campus is an idiot. I can't tell you how many times I hear "naaaaw dawg" or "daawwwg, I was so wasted last night" from punk ass kids wearing backwards baseball caps and clothes that are 3 sizes too big, while waiting for the bus each day.
It's not that I'm entirely lonely. I have a girlfriend, and she's great. It would just be nice to have some guys to hang out with. It just seems like I'm either at the apartment, at school, out with her, or some combination thereof.
I suppose my main issue is that while I desire a social life, I don't make the effort to make or keep friends. Or rather, I haven't really found anyone that I feel the urge to maintain a friendship with.
So what should I do? (Other than get a LiveJournal)
The thing is, I frequently get the urge to just call someone up to go catch a movie or hang out, but there's nobody to call. I recently moved to a new city, and know nobody, not that it makes a difference. I go to school, and talk to classmates, but I never want to continue discussion outside of class. Between classes or after classes, I put on some music and ignore everybody.
Perhaps I'm just too picky about who I want to be friends with? Maybe I'm too arrogant? It just seems like everybody on my campus is an idiot. I can't tell you how many times I hear "naaaaw dawg" or "daawwwg, I was so wasted last night" from punk ass kids wearing backwards baseball caps and clothes that are 3 sizes too big, while waiting for the bus each day.
It's not that I'm entirely lonely. I have a girlfriend, and she's great. It would just be nice to have some guys to hang out with. It just seems like I'm either at the apartment, at school, out with her, or some combination thereof.
I suppose my main issue is that while I desire a social life, I don't make the effort to make or keep friends. Or rather, I haven't really found anyone that I feel the urge to maintain a friendship with.
So what should I do? (Other than get a LiveJournal)
I'll crawl around in your tall grass.
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I had three really great friends in high school, after we graduated, 1 disappeared from the face of the earth, the other two went to colleges on opposite sides of the state. In college, the guys I met were decent enough, reasonably bright people, but they each had their own quirks and arrogance that made them intolerable to deal with on any consistent basis.
My central point is that you shouldn't really worry about it. If you are anything like me (and you sound like you are), when you enter the work force you will find enough people who, when you want to hit a sports bar every few weeks on a whim, will be willing to go with you just for the heck of it. Until then, finish school and enjoy your woman.
we also talk about other random shit and clown upon each other
2) Does your girlfriend not have a social group you can hang out with?
You just have to understand that the higher the standard you set, the harder it is to find friends that meet those standards, and usually those standards reflect the standards you hold yourself to. That's why it's hard to be friends with people who don't meet those standards.
While it may seem like everywhere you go you only encounter those "hey dawg I got so wasted last night" types (especially in college), that is only because those are the types that are usually the ones that are loud and stand out in public, most decent people keep to themselves and don't attract attention.
It is hard to find that perfect friend when you want him/her to fit all the criteria, so instead of doing that, try to make friends/acquaintances doing the activities you like to do, and you only hang out with them when doing the activity in question.
For example, I like playing sports, mainly basketball and volleyball, I also like to watch movies and play computer games. Out of all the people I know (other than my wife and brother), only two people like to do most of those things too (we also share similar values and beliefs), and they are the two I am closest with, and they are the only two I would call a friend. So really I only have two true friends, but I have a lot acquaintances when doing different activities. I have a group that I play basketball with, a totally different group that I play volleyball with, and again a different group that I play computer games with. I enjoy their company when doing the activity in question, but I doubt I'll enjoy their company elsewhere, but it doesn't matter, because the only time we're together is when we do the activity.
One of the two friends I mentioned, started out as an acquaintance from volleyball, then I found out he plays basketball too, then found out he watches a lot of movies, then found out he likes to play computer games, so we quickly became friends, ended up being my best man.
This is just my preference of course, its not the right way or the wrong way, but if you treasure friendship as much as I do, keep the high standards. Unless you're talking about wanting more acquaintances, then you'll have to lower your standards, but they can be good company as long as you do the things you have in common.
Hope that helps.
1) Is there anything specific that annoys you about the people you were close to?
I suppose we just grew apart and gained different interests, and lacked any substance for conversation.
My best bud from way back just gets on my nerves now because whenever we talk, all he does is bitch about how miserable his life is. He hates his job, but won't even try to find another one. He's definitely not happy with his girlfriend, but after every rant he says ,"but she loves me, so it's not really a big deal." He says he wants to go back to school, but won't do anything about it and makes excuses (such as being poor, which is complete bullshit, not to mention he probably qualifies for tuition waiver). When I give him advice for those excuses, he falls on, "Well, I just don't know what to do with my life." Part of it is understandable, because he's taking meds for bi-polar disorder, but his outlook on it is "I'm crazy, that's why I'm so miserable." His doc said that she was going to slowly wean him off of the meds, and rely more on counseling, but he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to change his perspective on anything. He'd rather just say "I'm crazy, give me meds". Since he's been diagnosed, he hasn't been to a single counseling session. He says that if his current doc stops giving him prescriptions, he'll just go to a different doctor. He even blames the fights he has with his girlfriend on his bi-polar. No matter the circumstances, he'll just blame himself for being "crazy" and that's why they fought. Bitch is a total dead beat, by the way. Flat out said, "I'm not sure if I'm still interested in you," and yet they're still together because he got all mopey and she felt bad for him.
/end rant
It probably sounds like I'm not much better, but other than feeling the need for a good friendship, I'm pretty optimistic. Maybe that's it. All of my previous friends have been Debbie Downers, and it gets annoying after a while. Revelation? Maybe.
2) Does your girlfriend not have a social group you can hang out with?
Not particularly. She's very busy with her postgrad, and otherwise she's with me. She hasn't said anything, but I get the feeling she's feeling the same itch to meet new friends.
0475 6628 0747
In my experience the people you meet into college pretty much fall into 3 categories.
1) "hay guyz i totally just got wasted, lol"
2) "Woe is me I just don't have any motivation as soon as I get out of here I'm going back to live with my parents and ring up slim jims for the next 10 years"
3) The decent, motivated, modest, bright individuals who are mature and will probably be your best friends
1's are everywhere. You probably don't even talk to these people and rightly so.
2's are good friends about half the time by virtue of common interest. But they are completely depressing and frustrating the other 50%, and as soon as that girlfriend of theirs who he thinks loves him leaves his lazy ass, he will become the most depressing figure on the planet and your first instinct will be to say "I told you so" which pretty much ends the relationship.
3's are hard as hell to find but they do exist. And generally they are the people in the work force that you will hopefully be able to enter in short order. I guess it depends on your industry but 100% of the friends I have that I am in personal contact with on a regular basis are from work and they will likely share many of the traits you value in terms of personality.
I'd say wait it out, or find a few 2's to rotate through and get good at ignoring their petty quibbling about how life isn't fair and/or how unmotivated they are to do anything.
we also talk about other random shit and clown upon each other
Thanks for the advice, guys.
0475 6628 0747
Join clubs at school? I really hope that not everyone is a bro or whatever at your school, but there's a good chance a lot of them will be. You can also learn to like the city your in and explore it by yourself. Museums? City tours? Good places to eat?
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Basically, you have to put yourself out there in the spots you can meet people if you want to make some new friends. Fish don't just jump into your fridge, you've got to get in the boat and put your line in the water.
That makes sense to me. If someone isn't growing in any way, or won't discuss their dreams and plans with you (even worse if it's because they don't have any), it's hard to keep a friendship growing as well. Jasconius mentions a good point, that you'll probably make friends with people in the industry you're working in, but I wouldn't wait until that happens or even rely exclusively on that avenue to cultivate friendships.
You say you've been told you're a pretty outgoing, approachable guy, and I believe that. Consider your hobbies and figure out which of them would work in a social situation (or pick up a new hobby that will put you in contact with people), then try to find a club or group for that hobby and see if you can make a friend with someone cool: a gym buddy, or a sparring partner for martial arts, or a fellow musician/artist, etc.
I'm an undergrad, and my social life practically disapears during the school year, I can't imagine what a postgrad degree would do. On the other hand, if you both go out and join a club/dance class/gym/whatever, you can support eachother. The extra confidence of having someone already on your side, that you know, should translate into a more relaxed and approachable demeanor.
Finding friends is hard. Making acquaintances is (relatively) easy. So make them, and sort the wheat from the chaff. Good luck!
You think you are better than your friends because they are unmotivated, lazy, or whatever.
You think you are better than people on the street because they like to get drunk or they use stupid slang.
You want to have friends, but you see being your friend as some kind of privilege that people have to earn. In reality friendship is never like that. Friends will always let you down sometimes. Friends will always do stupid things.
Friendship is about loyalty and accepting people for who they are. If you don't want to be friends with a certain type of person that is fine. But when you rule out "people who like to get drunk" and "people who are lazy" and whatever else the fuck pisses you off you are ruling out a lot of people.
And honestly if you think the average university student is an idiot you are an idiot, and arrogant as fuck.
EDIT: for more personal touch. I too find it hard to make friends, because it takes me a long time to warm to someone and feel comfortable around them. I balance this however by actually valuing the people that are already my friends. And yeah- sometimes they do shit that pisses me off- things that someone like you would probably dump them for. However I realize that I don't have a lot of friends, and if I dropped one every time they let me down I would have no friends.
https://medium.com/@alascii
It's unclear if the OP doesn't post at all or he just doesn't like frat boy culture. If it's the former, and he's a high-strung shut-in who has a weird take on reality, I understand it. If he just doesn't like douchebags, colleges are full of them. Having been in very selective undergrad and grad programs, with friends who have tought as PhD candidates a variety of them, most university students aren't very bright or intellectually curious. So I can't fault him for finding that.
On the other hand, even generally lame schools will probably have some alright people in them, the trick is to find them. Not everyone is goign to be the type of person you're describing.
Basically though if you always lose your friends because you are disappointed in them, then you are going to not have many friends. I can only go on the example you gave about your best friend, and yes, he does sound like something of a loser. I don't know if he is someone I would want to be friends with.
But most people have some friends that are whiny and unable to get what they want and some friends that are successful and adaptable people. That's just life.
All I am trying to say is you can't pick your friends. You can decide who you hang out with, you can decide what you do, but it's not completely up to you who you get along with.
https://medium.com/@alascii
To be honest, I question whether it's due to me being arrogant or not, so I don't blame you for coming to that conclusion.
Although, I can't really agree with you on this part. It just doesn't make sense to me to keep people who annoy the fuck outta me around. I think you can pick your friends, but therein lies the question of how picky can you be?
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