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Coffee Survail Skills: Please help me MacGyvers!

RhinoRhino TheRhinLOLRegistered User regular
edited July 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
I'm stuck her for the next 18 hours. In a rush to get here I didn't get my "morning" coffee. The headaches and withdraws are starting to kick in.

What is available:

Mug
Hot (not boiling water)
Roasted Coffee beans.

What is not here:
Grinder nor Coffee Pot nor filters.

The mission if you choice to accept it: Find a way to make coffee with the above.

Can I just soak roasted coffee beans in hot water?

Also, I can't be making to big of a mess and dont' want to look like a complete tool in front of the other people here, so something discreet would be best.

93mb4.jpg
Rhino on

Posts

  • Raiden333Raiden333 Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Rhino wrote: »
    I'm stuck her for the next 18 hours. In a rush to get here I didn't get my "morning" coffee. The headaches and withdraws are starting to kick in.

    What is available:

    Mug
    Hot (not boiling water)
    Roasted Coffee beans.

    What is not here:
    Grinder nor Coffee Pot nor filters.

    The mission if you choice to accept it: Find a way to make coffee with the above.

    Can I just soak roasted coffee beans in hot water?

    Also, I can't be making to big of a mess and dont' want to look like a complete tool in front of the other people here, so something discreet would be best.

    Wouldn't it take just as long to run out to one of the 500 coffee shops within a mile radius of any point on earth as it would to macguyver a cuppa joe?

    Raiden333 on
    There was a steam sig here. It's gone now.
  • RUNN1NGMANRUNN1NGMAN Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Sorry, even cowboy coffee requires ground beans and a way to boil water. I think you are out of luck.

    RUNN1NGMAN on
  • OverOver ...laser cats? Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    You could make basic coffee if you could find a way to grind/crush the beans, heat the water to near boil, and then toss the grounds into the water and letting it steep, but that's the bare minimum.

    Go buy some, or just eat the beans by themselves if you really need the fix.

    Over on
  • Vater5BVater5B Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Food processors and blenders can be used as emergency coffee grinders. What's better if it is available is a mortar and pestle. You want water cooling than boiling for coffee anyway usually ~30 seconds off the boil, so if the hot water is near there you are in business. Mix the coffee and water in a mug or what have you and then pour into another vessel holding back grounds with a spoon or what have you. Alternatively, you can use two paper towels as a coffee filter.

    Vater5B on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • RhinoRhino TheRhinLOL Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    What's cowboy coffee? I found a wooden spoon to grind them with.

    Rhino on
    93mb4.jpg
  • TychoCelchuuuTychoCelchuuu PIGEON Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Okay, here's what I've worked up.

    First, install a tool to overclock your CPU. Pop open the case, remove the heatsink/fan, and overclock that mofo. Then run something at 100% of CPU power, like Folding@Home. Shred some paper on top of the CPU and wait for smoke. Step one complete.

    Next up you take the CPU case that you removed and beat it into a receptacle shape. Aim for more of a deep bowl than a satellite dish sort of shape. Fill with water. Smash a couple of office chairs into kindling and scavenge the legs to build a stand for your computer case turned bowl. Fill the bowl with water and position it above your little fire pit.

    Next you need to feed the fire, stoke it. Use the remaining office chair stuff (no plastic, toxic fumes!) and lots of paper scavenged from the Xerox machine. Get a nice thing going but crack open a window unless you want the fire alarm going.

    At this point we can start working on the coffee filter, so kill a coworker and steal their shirt. Go for cotton if you can. The body of your coworker can later be cooked over the fire to provide you with delicious life sustaining meat. Do not eat the brain; this is how things like mad cow disease start. Do not kill a coworker with swine flu because this indicates they are sickly and likely not toothsome.

    Use the purloined shirt as a pouch for your coffee beans. Wrap them two or three times and then bind the shirt so that it will not come open. When you're ready (water boiling) drop the shirt/bean combo into the water and let the coffee diffuse outwards.

    This is a fantastic time to give the evil eye to anyone who is looking at you funny. They can mind their own fucking business or they can get their shirts made into coffee filters. Make this clear to them.

    Continually sample your eldritch brew until such time as you deem it to be approaching the bitterness barrier that you desire. Plunge your entire arm deep into the foul receptacle, ignoring the pain with the help of guttural roars that bring to mind the savage epochs of yore. Grasp and retrieve your coffee beans, slowly, so as to savor the feeling of your mind's dominance over simple flesh. Squeeze a bit to release extra roasted coffee flavor!

    Finally, use the rest of the clothes from your dead coworker to create an insulating barrier to keep your prize warm throughout the day. If they were wearing a polar fleece when you felled them this is ideal.

    I'm from Seattle so we're used to this sort of thing. We take coffee seriously!

    TychoCelchuuu on
  • Raiden333Raiden333 Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Okay, here's what I've worked up.

    First, install a tool to overclock your CPU. Pop open the case, remove the heatsink/fan, and overclock that mofo. Then run something at 100% of CPU power, like Folding@Home. Shred some paper on top of the CPU and wait for smoke. Step one complete.

    Next up you take the CPU case that you removed and beat it into a receptacle shape. Aim for more of a deep bowl than a satellite dish sort of shape. Fill with water. Smash a couple of office chairs into kindling and scavenge the legs to build a stand for your computer case turned bowl. Fill the bowl with water and position it above your little fire pit.

    Next you need to feed the fire, stoke it. Use the remaining office chair stuff (no plastic, toxic fumes!) and lots of paper scavenged from the Xerox machine. Get a nice thing going but crack open a window unless you want the fire alarm going.

    At this point we can start working on the coffee filter, so kill a coworker and steal their shirt. Go for cotton if you can. The body of your coworker can later be cooked over the fire to provide you with delicious life sustaining meat. Do not eat the brain; this is how things like mad cow disease start. Do not kill a coworker with swine flu because this indicates they are sickly and likely not toothsome.

    Use the purloined shirt as a pouch for your coffee beans. Wrap them two or three times and then bind the shirt so that it will not come open. When you're ready (water boiling) drop the shirt/bean combo into the water and let the coffee diffuse outwards.

    This is a fantastic time to give the evil eye to anyone who is looking at you funny. They can mind their own fucking business or they can get their shirts made into coffee filters. Make this clear to them.

    Continually sample your eldritch brew until such time as you deem it to be approaching the bitterness barrier that you desire. Plunge your entire arm deep into the foul receptacle, ignoring the pain with the help of guttural roars that bring to mind the savage epochs of yore. Grasp and retrieve your coffee beans, slowly, so as to savor the feeling of your mind's dominance over simple flesh. Squeeze a bit to release extra roasted coffee flavor!

    Finally, use the rest of the clothes from your dead coworker to create an insulating barrier to keep your prize warm throughout the day. If they were wearing a polar fleece when you felled them this is ideal.

    I'm from Seattle so we're used to this sort of thing. We take coffee seriously!

    I'm this close to reporting for awesome.

    Raiden333 on
    There was a steam sig here. It's gone now.
  • JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Candy IslandRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Uh, could you cold press it somehow?

    JebusUD on
    and I wonder about my neighbors even though I don't have them
    but they're listening to every word I say
  • TomantaTomanta Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Raiden333 wrote: »
    Okay, here's what I've worked up.

    First, install a tool to overclock your CPU. Pop open the case, remove the heatsink/fan, and overclock that mofo. Then run something at 100% of CPU power, like Folding@Home. Shred some paper on top of the CPU and wait for smoke. Step one complete.

    Next up you take the CPU case that you removed and beat it into a receptacle shape. Aim for more of a deep bowl than a satellite dish sort of shape. Fill with water. Smash a couple of office chairs into kindling and scavenge the legs to build a stand for your computer case turned bowl. Fill the bowl with water and position it above your little fire pit.

    Next you need to feed the fire, stoke it. Use the remaining office chair stuff (no plastic, toxic fumes!) and lots of paper scavenged from the Xerox machine. Get a nice thing going but crack open a window unless you want the fire alarm going.

    At this point we can start working on the coffee filter, so kill a coworker and steal their shirt. Go for cotton if you can. The body of your coworker can later be cooked over the fire to provide you with delicious life sustaining meat. Do not eat the brain; this is how things like mad cow disease start. Do not kill a coworker with swine flu because this indicates they are sickly and likely not toothsome.

    Use the purloined shirt as a pouch for your coffee beans. Wrap them two or three times and then bind the shirt so that it will not come open. When you're ready (water boiling) drop the shirt/bean combo into the water and let the coffee diffuse outwards.

    This is a fantastic time to give the evil eye to anyone who is looking at you funny. They can mind their own fucking business or they can get their shirts made into coffee filters. Make this clear to them.

    Continually sample your eldritch brew until such time as you deem it to be approaching the bitterness barrier that you desire. Plunge your entire arm deep into the foul receptacle, ignoring the pain with the help of guttural roars that bring to mind the savage epochs of yore. Grasp and retrieve your coffee beans, slowly, so as to savor the feeling of your mind's dominance over simple flesh. Squeeze a bit to release extra roasted coffee flavor!

    Finally, use the rest of the clothes from your dead coworker to create an insulating barrier to keep your prize warm throughout the day. If they were wearing a polar fleece when you felled them this is ideal.

    I'm from Seattle so we're used to this sort of thing. We take coffee seriously!

    I'm this close to reporting for awesome.

    I'm also this close, but on the other side of reporting it. As in, I just did.

    Tomanta on
  • AridholAridhol Daddliest Catch Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    If the water is close to 195-ish degrees and you can find a way to smash up the beans you could be ok. All you need is some sort of porous material.... any nylons around :)?

    Aridhol on
  • ButtcleftButtcleft Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    smash the beans with a hammer, wrap in clean fabric, hang in hot water for a minute, shake, remove, enjoy MacGyver coffee

    Buttcleft on
  • AridholAridhol Daddliest Catch Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Buttcleft wrote: »
    smash the beans with a hammer, wrap in clean fabric, hang in hot water for a minute, shake, remove, enjoy MacGyver coffee

    This! Even an old t-shirt can work, you just need some relatively hot water and little bits of beans. Let it sit for probably 5 minutes in the mug and pull it out and voila, better than paper filter coffee!

    Aridhol on
  • Vater5BVater5B Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Okay, here's what I've worked up.

    First, install a tool to overclock your CPU. Pop open the case, remove the heatsink/fan, and overclock that mofo. Then run something at 100% of CPU power, like Folding@Home. Shred some paper on top of the CPU and wait for smoke. Step one complete.

    Next up you take the CPU case that you removed and beat it into a receptacle shape. Aim for more of a deep bowl than a satellite dish sort of shape. Fill with water. Smash a couple of office chairs into kindling and scavenge the legs to build a stand for your computer case turned bowl. Fill the bowl with water and position it above your little fire pit.

    Next you need to feed the fire, stoke it. Use the remaining office chair stuff (no plastic, toxic fumes!) and lots of paper scavenged from the Xerox machine. Get a nice thing going but crack open a window unless you want the fire alarm going.

    At this point we can start working on the coffee filter, so kill a coworker and steal their shirt. Go for cotton if you can. The body of your coworker can later be cooked over the fire to provide you with delicious life sustaining meat. Do not eat the brain; this is how things like mad cow disease start. Do not kill a coworker with swine flu because this indicates they are sickly and likely not toothsome.

    Use the purloined shirt as a pouch for your coffee beans. Wrap them two or three times and then bind the shirt so that it will not come open. When you're ready (water boiling) drop the shirt/bean combo into the water and let the coffee diffuse outwards.

    This is a fantastic time to give the evil eye to anyone who is looking at you funny. They can mind their own fucking business or they can get their shirts made into coffee filters. Make this clear to them.

    Continually sample your eldritch brew until such time as you deem it to be approaching the bitterness barrier that you desire. Plunge your entire arm deep into the foul receptacle, ignoring the pain with the help of guttural roars that bring to mind the savage epochs of yore. Grasp and retrieve your coffee beans, slowly, so as to savor the feeling of your mind's dominance over simple flesh. Squeeze a bit to release extra roasted coffee flavor!

    Finally, use the rest of the clothes from your dead coworker to create an insulating barrier to keep your prize warm throughout the day. If they were wearing a polar fleece when you felled them this is ideal.

    I'm from Seattle so we're used to this sort of thing. We take coffee seriously!


    Give this man a cookie.

    Vater5B on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • SzechuanosaurusSzechuanosaurus Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited July 2009
    If by hot water, you mean from a tap, don't even go there. Unless you're looking for a way to get ill.

    Szechuanosaurus on
  • MovitzMovitz Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    If by hot water, you mean from a tap, don't even go there. Unless you're looking for a way to get ill.

    Nah, you might get a bit of a laxating effect from the metal ions but you won't get ill, as in sick. I've seen people make ramen and stuff without any problems occurring.

    Depends on how close you are to seriously considering boiling water on your CPU, like described above. You might want to take your chances on the hot tap water instead.

    Movitz on
  • Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    He means that hot water from a tap ain't hot enough to make proper coffee.

    Seattle Thread on
    kofz2amsvqm3.png
  • MovitzMovitz Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Oooh. I thought he meant it was a....
    way to get ill.

    ...:P

    Seriously though, it's a fairly common misconception that hot tap water will make you insta-dead so I thought he meant that. I'm just advocating some enlightenment here.

    And actually, I would think my hot water is ok to make coffee from, but it's unhealthily warm for some reason now that I think about it.

    Movitz on
  • SzechuanosaurusSzechuanosaurus Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited July 2009
    No, I mean hot tap water generally isn't hot enough to kill the bacteria in it but plenty warm enough to promote bacterial growth. Certainly in the pipes between the hot water tank and the tap.

    Maybe this is 'a fairly common misconception' but until mythbusters do an episode on it I'm not drinking hot tap water.

    Szechuanosaurus on
  • TinuzTinuz Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    No, I mean hot tap water generally isn't hot enough to kill the bacteria in it but plenty warm enough to promote bacterial growth. Certainly in the pipes between the hot water tank and the tap.

    Maybe this is 'a fairly common misconception' but until mythbusters do an episode on it I'm not drinking hot tap water.

    Well, this is why those pipes are made of copper. Copper is germicidal. Also, the constant flow of water should prevent any serious buildups, the reason diseases like Legionnaires is always in stagnant water such as boilers, usually at a much cooler temperature than hot water.

    But seriously, I wouldn't sweat it too much.

    Tinuz on
  • psycojesterpsycojester Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    No, I mean hot tap water generally isn't hot enough to kill the bacteria in it but plenty warm enough to promote bacterial growth. Certainly in the pipes between the hot water tank and the tap.

    Maybe this is 'a fairly common misconception' but until mythbusters do an episode on it I'm not drinking hot tap water.

    You people won't drink the hot water from a tap? What the hell is wrong with you pansies, go outside and play in the fucking dirt until i tell you you're allowed to come in.

    psycojester on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • urahonkyurahonky Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    The moral of the story here, OP, is that no matter how late you are... DON'T forget your coffee.

    urahonky on
  • RuckusRuckus Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    You could probably grind the beans by placing them on one half of a clean towel, folding the other half on top, and then smashing the covered beans with a saucepan, or possibly your shoe.

    PS if you do this, youtube it.

    Ruckus on
  • zhen_roguezhen_rogue Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I wonder if pushing the beans into an electric pencil sharpener one at a time (tamp them in with a blunt pencil) would result in well-ground goodness.
    Upside: even if it fails, your pencil sharpener will smell fantastic.

    Also, find the tap nearest your building's hot water heater. Let it run for about 2 minutes using only the hot valve, and you should get water that's 125-135 F, which is plenty hot to scald your skin.

    As for a filter, microfiber cloths used to clean computer screens might work quite well...

    zhen_rogue on
  • Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    No, I mean hot tap water generally isn't hot enough to kill the bacteria in it but plenty warm enough to promote bacterial growth. Certainly in the pipes between the hot water tank and the tap.

    Maybe this is 'a fairly common misconception' but until mythbusters do an episode on it I'm not drinking hot tap water.
    Any public water supply is going to be chlorinated under the Safe Water Drinking Act. Saying that tap water contains bacteria is like saying that cigarettes contain aspirin.

    Unless you mean that the water isn't hot enough to kill any bacteria found in the coffee bag... which is a much more possible outcome.

    Seattle Thread on
    kofz2amsvqm3.png
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