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Should I stay out of it?
KeyScourge
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I'm a bit of a pickle.
See my mate's been with his current girlfriend for...well, I dunno. He was with her when I first met him about 5 years ago. But recently she's been telling me (me and her are good mates too) that he's been acting really distant towards her and doesn't seem to be interested anymore.
Add to that me discovering a lot of, how shall we say..."saucy" and "explicit" messages from someone who I know is NOT his girlfriend in his MSN convo history and it becomes pretty clear that he's cheating. I would have had room to speculate on this but he's been responding to this chick's saucy messages with even saucier, more graphic ones. So it leaves little room for doubt.
My question is. What do I do? Do I stay out of it and just brace myself for the inevitable collapse of my mate and his girlfriend's relationship? Do I tell her about the cheating and subsequently cause that collapse? Or do I talk to my mate and tell him to knock that shit off?
See my mate's been with his current girlfriend for...well, I dunno. He was with her when I first met him about 5 years ago. But recently she's been telling me (me and her are good mates too) that he's been acting really distant towards her and doesn't seem to be interested anymore.
Add to that me discovering a lot of, how shall we say..."saucy" and "explicit" messages from someone who I know is NOT his girlfriend in his MSN convo history and it becomes pretty clear that he's cheating. I would have had room to speculate on this but he's been responding to this chick's saucy messages with even saucier, more graphic ones. So it leaves little room for doubt.
My question is. What do I do? Do I stay out of it and just brace myself for the inevitable collapse of my mate and his girlfriend's relationship? Do I tell her about the cheating and subsequently cause that collapse? Or do I talk to my mate and tell him to knock that shit off?
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I've been in a similar situation before and out of a sense of loyalty I did the "honourable" thing and told my friend what I knew. It did not go well.
So my advice is stay away from this. You don't know anything and you saw nothing. It isn't your place to get involved. Don't even tell anyone else what you know because if it comes to light you knew it could make things difficult for you.
Has he brought up anything?
Are you going to feel bad for not doing anything?
How did you find these messages in his MSN log? Did you go snooping?
I'd get involved, but I wouldn't get between them.
This is the best advice.
If you value the friendship of both people, following this plan will be for the best.
You tell her what you've found:
Girl: What the hell, KeyScourge told me you've been MSNing with some chick you want to fuck!
Friend: What?! No way, I wouldn't do that baby, I love you, here, check the MSN logs even! He must be trying to break us up so he can be your rebound or something.
Girl: I can't believe he'd like to me like that! KeyScourge, fuck you!
Friend: Fuck you, KeyScourge!
You tell him what you found, and to quit fooling around on her:
Friend: I'll do whatever I feel like, and you better not tell her, and what the hell were you doing snooping on my MSN anyway asshole?
Girl: (Finds out)
Friend: You asshole, you told her! Fuck you, KeyScourge!
Girl: You KNEW?! Fuck you, KeyScourge!
You don't tell either of them what you know, then bring it up after they've broken up:
Friend: You snooped on my MSN account? Fuck you, KeyScourge!
Girl: What hell, you knew and didn't tell me? Fuck you, KeyScourge!
You say nothing now, and nothing later:
Rainbows and butterflies.
a1: Nothin, shes just crazy
- Now you know where he wants you in all of this
a2: Eh, shits been weird with her ya know? (opens up)
- Now you know where he wants you in all of this
a3: Bitch, why you talkin to my friends about us!? SMACK!
-Now you know to stay the fuck away from this crazy bastard
I was in a similar situation as his girlfriend. My ex was investing all his free time in talking to another chick online. He became distant, and in the week before we broke up, it was like he was just a roommate. It ended, and that was that.
Also, their relationship was significantly longer than mine, so it may also be messier when they break up. Do not get involved.
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This. There is nothing wrong with telling your friend that his gf mentioned that things seem more distant and is worried. Or you can tell the gf that your advice is to bring it up to him and talk to him about.
I'd prefer an option that doesn't result in my having to pick sides. I don't like to play favourites.
Done this too many times both ways. Do yourself a favor here and don't get into it.
Also, stop reading other people's logs, what's wrong with you, anyway? :P
Except that it would be a lie if she actually hasn't told him that. And if the cheating friend finds out that KeyScourge is lying about that, where is he supposed to think he got the information from?
I repeat, though, do not mention what you found. Don't even hint at it.
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It's called being a nosey douche. Friends don't go snooping around each other's private shit.
There's a Sicilian saying (or so I've heard) that works well in this scenario:
I didn't see anything, I didn't hear anything, I wasn't there, and if I was there, I was asleep.
Keep this in mind.
He is cheating on her. You can't possible cause any more pain.
but they're listening to every word I say
You can be a better person and not snoop through his shit?
She actually has said that so maybe you should read the OP?
Salmon'd for BAD ADVICE. Do this and you will be having a "dude why are you talking shit about me to my girlfriend?" talk with your friend before long. For your own quality of life stay the fuck out of this.
Its none of your goddamn business. Don't read someone else chatlogs either. Stay the fuck out of it.
Ten bucks says he's gone through your internet history and found this thread and is now asking somewhere else if he should let you know he knows. :P
I'm amazed how many people are telling you to stay out of this. THIS is the advice you want to take. It's really an innocent question/concern. You don't have to accuse him of cheating. If he confesses to cheating then you need to let him know that it's not cool and it's not fair to his girlfriend. He probably already knows that but is too much of a coward to end things. Sometimes people need their friends to slap them upside the head.
And absolutely do not listen to people telling you that you should coach the girl into breaking up with the guy. That's catastrophically stupid. stupid. stupid.
You also definitely *are* a douche for snooping, there's no excuse for going through someone else's chat logs, that was a huge mistake. Your friend snoops too? He also cheats on his girlfriend, I'm quite positive he's a douche too.
edit: fixed the quotes. I hope.
Although matthasaproblem's scenarios were very entertaining, Improv has it nailed.
Say just that and let HIM dictate where he wants the conversation to go.
If he isn't opening up, tell her she needs to be telling him what she is telling you.
wow...I hurt my own brain.
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You know he is cheating on his girlfriend. If you don't tell her or get him to stop you are complicit.
but they're listening to every word I say
Pretty much perfect. Add that when you tell her that she should speak with HIM about it and not you that it's because you don't want to get involved since it's none of your business.
I think a lot of the people telling you to stay out of it are concerned you'll tell her that he's cheating. The advice I believe you should be taking is to have a friendly conversation with your buddy.
I can tell you that if I ever found out one of my buddy's was cheating on his girlfriend I'd tell him to f'ing pull it together and stop being such a worthless human being. If he was cheating on his girlfriend who I am also friends with? He's getting punched in the face, and then we can be friends after he deals with it like a man. I don't suggest you go that route, but the advice quoted is gold. I'm very interested to see which path you choose given the polar advice you've been given.
What the fuck? No it doesn't work like that. None of this is the OP's damn business and if he knows what's good for him he'll stay the fuck out of it.
If you do interfere, please post updates so I can revel in I Told You So glory.
Edit: And I bet he doesn't go through your chat logs and shit. Why? Because if he did he'd be paranoid about it and not leave evidence lying around. Going through people's computers is really pretty rude, and we certainly don't know if it's just "normal" for you and your friend. However, you should probably be aware that most people consider that a pretty severe invasion of their privacy.