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High schools a bitch (AKA:trying to deal with friends and a girl)

gunwarriorgunwarrior Registered User regular
edited August 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
I'm currently a Senior in high school and I already hate the year. I don't want to sound like an angsty teenager who can't handle his problems, but I think I need some outside opinions.

The issue with my friends is that I've never really felt like a part of the group. They've always hung out, played games, went to movies, etc outside of school, and I've never really been invited to do any of that. I called them on this a few times but then they just respond "oh, sorry" and nothing changes. I've tried inviting them to do stuff myself, but they always give non-committal answers ("don't know when I’m open" "I've got things to do" stuff like that). It'd be one thing if it was like that a couple of times, but it happens repeatedly. Hell, they talk over me to ask each other to hang. One guy throws a fit for 3 damn days; hitting desks, glaring, punching walls, the works (after a while I think it's just craving attention) and everyone’s all over him, yet no one seems to give two shits about what I feel. Part of me wants to say "Fuck it" and go off to find better friends but I also believe that they're nice people, even if they do act like jerks sometimes.

Then there’s the girl. We've known each other since the beginning of high school, but she was already with someone so I wimped out and didn't do anything. After a while I seriously didn't mind being just a friend. Skip to the end of junior year, we are somewhat close, but she IMs me and I eventually find out she’s been interested in me for about the same time I had been interested in her, and that she was surprised to learn how I felt. We agree to talk sometime but we never do. She goes out of town for the summer and I sure as hell didn’t want to talk about that over the web. I'm looking forward to seeing her again and here’s where the real issues start.
Last Thursday, I say "Oh yeah, we haven’t really talked yet, have we?" She shakes her head, hugs me, and says "You're still a good friend" right before she leaves. I ask her on Monday, she tells me she’s been going out with some guy, who we both met a little while ago through a friend. I'm a bit upset because she didn't tell me a thing; she got my hopes up and then nothing. I was fine with being a friend before, but now that she re-awoke how I felt about her, it’s hard to keep quiet. I don't want to be one of those guys that just obsesses over a girl, but now I can't stop thinking about her. I don't know if I have a right to be mad at all. I cant even bring my self to get sad about it because part of me expected this all along and I don't know if I should take more more aggressive steps since right before she told me how she felt, she made me promise that nothing was going to change (unfortunately, that has a completely different message now). Still, this guy comes out of nowhere and snatches her and she doesnt seem to care and I'm left standing confused and I'm pissed.

Sorry, it looks like I wrote a bit too much, even after cutting a lot of stuff out. I'm honestly a bit ashamed of complaining about this since there are people with far worse problems than me here. But I'm turning to you guys because all I get from people I ask is that I just need to wait and not think about it. I don't know how much of this is paranoia and oversensitivity, but I want to do something, I just don't know what. What I do know is that I'm sick of sitting quietly and just letting things go.

[tiny]I'm also rather embarassed I'm asking the internet for help[/tiny]

gunwarrior on

Posts

  • RenegadeSilenceRenegadeSilence Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    gunwarrior wrote: »
    "Fuck it" and go off to find better friends.
    I don't think your friends really view you as one if they go over your head like that. If my friends treated me like that they wouldn't be.

    And get over the girl, she really didn't have an obligation to "wait" for you.

    RenegadeSilence on
  • Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    The main lesson here is to not delay in talking to a girl you're interested in.

    Your friends don't really sound like friends; fuck'em.

    Eat it You Nasty Pig. on
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  • BardiBardi Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    gunwarrior wrote: »
    "Fuck it" and go off to find better friends.

    And get over the girl, she really didn't have an obligation to "wait" for you.

    yep. In my opinion, you should have kept in contact with her while she was gone over the summer, but you can't do anything about that. Just realize that this is pretty normal behavior for high schoolers (in regards to both your friends and the girl), and move on.

    Bardi on
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  • RingoRingo He/Him a distinct lack of substanceRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    The girl apparently wasn't that into you. In the future this might encourage you to strike while the iron is hot. No one waits the whole summer unless they have no other choice. As for your friends, this happened to me in high school, as well as to anybody who was considered in the second or third tier (and this was a small school) of our group. What I didn't realize at the time was that even with the friends I considered myself closest to, when the right combination of friends got involved I was continually relegated to second or third tier.

    I didn't realize this in high school because I didn't want to accept it. Several of those second stringers were social misfits and I considered myself 'better' than them. Fact is - I wasn't, and nothing short of outright manipulation of the group as a whole was going to boost my value. If I could do high school again, I would've tried to stem the tide of hurt and lonliness from being abandoned by people who didn't want me around by hanging out more with those other friends who were also left on the outside. There's no point in clinging to all your cool cred if it's just gonna leave you frustrated at home all weekend.

    Oh, and just a heads up - when it comes to social circles Significant Others Ruin Everything. Whether it's your SO or your friends', they're going to be monopolizing time and forcing decisions that aren't the norms for your group. Especially if said SOs already belong to another group. Ugh, my two best friends managed to get involved with girls from the same clique and it was a disaster for the pre-existing group, girls and guys alike complained about the way those two drove wedges into everything we did. I think the best advice for dealing with that is the same as before - find more friends to fill the newly formed gaps.

    But never cut anyone off, unless they're being abusive to you and you've communicated your displeasure and they continue to be abusive. Just because someone doesn't hang out with you doesn't mean they actively dislike you. Leave those doors open (even in your own mind!) and you may be surprised at what comes of it.

    Ringo on
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  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Christmas-Man!Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Yeah, they don't really sound like friends. Friends have the decency to treat you as an equal human.

    cooljammer00 on
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  • The Black HunterThe Black Hunter The key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple, unimpeachable reason to existRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Your friends aren't your friends

    you should have talked to the girl when you had the chance, you can't expect it to last over summer, that's how it goes. The guy isn't neccesarily ravaging your woman and being some sort of viking raider of hearts, he just did what people do, saw a cute, interesting girl and went for it.

    The Black Hunter on
  • FightTestFightTest Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Your friends are acquaintances. You missed your chance with the girl.

    Neither is that big of a deal. You're a senior and you probably won't see any of them again in less than a year.

    I had a lot of pseudo-friends in school as well. Main thing is to just recognize them as that, use them to make school tolerable, and not worry about what they do after school. If you haven't I suggest getting a part-time job after school to spend your time. You'll appreciate the money more once you graduate than you will some attempted relationships with people you're done with.

    FightTest on
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  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    FightTest wrote: »
    Your friends are acquaintances.

    This. It sounds like they're just letting you tag along some times to be nice but don't want you around outside of school. It's pretty clear they don't think of you as a friend.


    As for the girl, you had your chance and blew it. She said 'let's talk' and then you never called her or asked her out. So then she leaves town and you still don't even see her to say goodbye or something and you don't make any attempt to contact her during this time and you're surprised she found someone else?

    Here's some good advice, if a girl says she likes you ask her out on a date or continue to call her and talk to her until you can. The magical date fairy isn't going to drop her in your arms. If a guy says he likes you and then never calls, you're probably going to think that he didn't like you that much or he was fibbing to not hurt your feelings; you're certainly not going to spend the whole summer pining for the guy.

    VisionOfClarity on
  • The Black HunterThe Black Hunter The key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple, unimpeachable reason to existRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    It can all be pretty world rocking advice, but if you start small when rebuilding yourself, it'll do wonders.

    Don't go throwing yourself into cliques, just hang around and maybe look at yourself and see if you can't improve on anything in the meantime

    The Black Hunter on
  • THEPAIN73THEPAIN73 Shiny. Real shiny.Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    You won't remember what your high school looks like on the inside in three years.

    Learn from this and get a job and put yourself out there.

    The girl on the other hand, you should have been right there with a "wanna go to the malt shop?" or some shit.

    Learn from that as well.

    You will be fine.

    THEPAIN73 on
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  • gunwarriorgunwarrior Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Eh, I guess I understand. I had come to a lot of these realizations myself, but it's another thing to hear them from other people. Some sleep and this thread is making me realize now that a lot of this anxiety I'm feeling is just my regret over wasting too much time, in both issues. Well, at least I can clear my head a little.

    gunwarrior on
  • GafotoGafoto Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    FightTest wrote: »
    Neither is that big of a deal. You're a senior and you probably won't see any of them again in less than a year.

    This is true about high school for sure and college to some extent. When I was in high school the "now" felt very important and I tried very hard to hang on to my high school friends for my freshman year. It's difficult to think beyond your current social circle because college is as real to a high school senior as a trip to the mars is right now.

    Don't worry about hoarding friends senior year, they're not worth the time.

    Gafoto on
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  • MelksterMelkster Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    FightTest wrote: »
    Your friends are acquaintances. You missed your chance with the girl.

    Neither is that big of a deal. You're a senior and you probably won't see any of them again in less than a year.

    I had a lot of pseudo-friends in school as well. Main thing is to just recognize them as that, use them to make school tolerable, and not worry about what they do after school. If you haven't I suggest getting a part-time job after school to spend your time. You'll appreciate the money more once you graduate than you will some attempted relationships with people you're done with.

    Every part of this post I agree with.

    Though I would point out that if you don't feel like the commitment of a job, you could do what I did and just volunteer a ton. Helps on college apps as much (or more) than a job, and it was, for me at least, tons more fun/fulfilling.

    Melkster on
  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    She's a high school girl going out with a guy for a few weeks over the summer. How serious do you think it is? It's not like they're engaged to be married.

    RocketSauce on
  • elfdudeelfdude Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Lol, hs drama. *nostalgia*

    One of the things you discover quickly when you get older is not to waste time. If you like a girl go for her as soon as you can. Don't be a creep about it but be confident and cool and let her know you're interested. I don't know if this is all true but it seems to be a fairly accurate blanket statement, if a girl 'friends' you you have little hope of getting with her at all. The fact that she went with this guy anyways and is telling you you're just friends only means she'd be making you second choice at best so I would ignore it move on find another girl. Odds are if she matures a little she might think she's made a mistake but you won't help it happen by being available and desperate. Better if you can find a girlfriend and dote on her to the point she brags about it, women tend to talk and in HS especially rumors spread like wildfire. You have the best chance to date and whatever as many girls as you can right now take advantage of it cuz as soon as you graduate it becomes considerably more difficult to find women unless you know how to approach them out of the blue.

    Your friends don't seem to be. You seem more or less like a third wheel they tolerate but don't encourage. This isn't good and if they don't value your feelings enough to include or whatever then your relationship with them is pretty much dead anyways. No one does that to their friends. Now you might have a quasi friendship status with them but unless you get more attention in the relationship there it's doubtful they'll become better than that. I'd suggest go about finding a friend who has the same interests as you and including the other guys if you ever feel like having a bunch of people. Quasi friends tend to be a lot more likely to hang out if you're not alone in inviting them.

    elfdude on
    Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion.
  • eternalbleternalbl Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    elfdude wrote: »
    The fact that she went with this guy anyways and is telling you you're just friends only means she'd be making you second choice at best so I would ignore it move on find another girl.

    People are a lot more complicated than just 'I want this and I guess if I can't have this, I'd take this'.

    If you spend summer not talking to someone it can send a pretty clear message. While OP was busy not talking to her, obviously her new bf was taking the time to do that. And thats about all it takes to get the girl. Showing that you care. It has nothing to do with the traits of either guy except the consideration of a little attention.

    I could be wrong though, I'm a dude, that's just how it seems to work for me.

    eternalbl on
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  • gunwarriorgunwarrior Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    eternalbl wrote: »
    elfdude wrote: »
    The fact that she went with this guy anyways and is telling you you're just friends only means she'd be making you second choice at best so I would ignore it move on find another girl.

    People are a lot more complicated than just 'I want this and I guess if I can't have this, I'd take this'.

    If you spend summer not talking to someone it can send a pretty clear message. While OP was busy not talking to her, obviously her new bf was taking the time to do that. And thats about all it takes to get the girl. Showing that you care. It has nothing to do with the traits of either guy except the consideration of a little attention.

    I could be wrong though, I'm a dude, that's just how it seems to work for me.

    I did try to talk to her what we would do before she left. We spent a day together and I tried to bring it up but she didn't say anything. Then again it is always possible that she didn't hear me. But I didn't just ignore her over the summer, we kept in contact and talked pretty much daily ("Talked" is IM in this case since she doesn't have a phone. And me being an unemployed teenager without my own car made going to visit her impossible), she never once mentioned any new guy. That I only found out about when school started. What’s annoying now though is that during the last week or so of summer, the girl and two other guys played around a lot. Her current BF was one of those guys and the other one apparently had feelings for her but was too slow as well. She is apparently much more concerned with that other guy than about what I think. :? Eh, thats to be expected somewhat... And so the usual group is now pretty much ignoring that I was ever a part of this and is only caring about those three.

    This is becoming more trouble than it’s worth. I really like her, but I guess I really wasn't persistent enough and I'm sick of feeling abandoned. I'm going to follow what most of you have said and just try to get over her. However, I do want to stay friends with her, even if it would be painful. Is that wise or should I just let things go? Though I know I'm probably going to go through something like this again if I do stick around...

    As for my friends, it’s not that they're being royal pricks and talking to me like I’m some sort of dog, more like we're only friends in school and if I try to do anything more than that I'm shot down and misled. I have looked for other friends, but there’s no one I really hit it off with. If we have anything in common they're very into their clique, they're downright hostile, or... weird. Not weird in an eccentric way, that I actually find endearing.

    It doesn't look like there's much more I can do now than just let it go. Still, theres not much else to do outside of school, I'm sorta stuck in the middle of suburbia after growing up close to the city which is why I kept turning to them.

    gunwarrior on
  • eternalbleternalbl Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    gunwarrior wrote: »
    eternalbl wrote: »
    elfdude wrote: »
    The fact that she went with this guy anyways and is telling you you're just friends only means she'd be making you second choice at best so I would ignore it move on find another girl.

    People are a lot more complicated than just 'I want this and I guess if I can't have this, I'd take this'.

    If you spend summer not talking to someone it can send a pretty clear message. While OP was busy not talking to her, obviously her new bf was taking the time to do that. And thats about all it takes to get the girl. Showing that you care. It has nothing to do with the traits of either guy except the consideration of a little attention.

    I could be wrong though, I'm a dude, that's just how it seems to work for me.

    I did try to talk to her what we would do before she left. We spent a day together and I tried to bring it up but she didn't say anything. Then again it is always possible that she didn't hear me. But I didn't just ignore her over the summer, we kept in contact and talked pretty much daily ("Talked" is IM in this case since she doesn't have a phone. And me being an unemployed teenager without my own car made going to visit her impossible), she never once mentioned any new guy. That I only found out about when school started. What’s annoying now though is that during the last week or so of summer, the girl and two other guys played around a lot. Her current BF was one of those guys and the other one apparently had feelings for her but was too slow as well. She is apparently much more concerned with that other guy than about what I think. :? Eh, thats to be expected somewhat... And so the usual group is now pretty much ignoring that I was ever a part of this and is only caring about those three.

    This is becoming more trouble than it’s worth. I really like her, but I guess I really wasn't persistent enough and I'm sick of feeling abandoned. I'm going to follow what most of you have said and just try to get over her. However, I do want to stay friends with her, even if it would be painful. Is that wise or should I just let things go? Though I know I'm probably going to go through something like this again if I do stick around...

    As for my friends, it’s not that they're being royal pricks and talking to me like I’m some sort of dog, more like we're only friends in school and if I try to do anything more than that I'm shot down and misled. I have looked for other friends, but there’s no one I really hit it off with. If we have anything in common they're very into their clique, they're downright hostile, or... weird. Not weird in an eccentric way, that I actually find endearing.

    It doesn't look like there's much more I can do now than just let it go. Still, theres not much else to do outside of school, I'm sorta stuck in the middle of suburbia after growing up close to the city which is why I kept turning to them.

    It's really your discretion whether you think IM is the place to talk about relationship stuff. There are plenty of fish in the sea. But more to the point don't think that just because she ended up with a different guy now that somehow would make you a second choice. You may be after the 1st guy, but its not like some sort of competition where if you aren't #1 you're a loser. Thats all I wanted to get across really, but also thought you neglected to talk to her aside from a couple IMs.

    eternalbl on
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  • ForkesForkes Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Friends: Really, unless they are being total douches, who cares? You're a senior, and you meet most of your life time friends in college. Just use them as a temporary hang out solution and you're golden. I mean, it's not like you're being a dick to them, they do the same thing to you.

    Girl: Yeah. For now it looks like you missed your chance. Again, I bring up college.

    You're young, don't stress over this stuff, you have a year then you are done. I know it seems like a long time, but it really isn't. Enjoy high school, roll with the punches, etc. It'll be over soon, and you can look back on it and not take the social part of it seriously.

    Forkes on
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  • elfdudeelfdude Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Tradition has nothing to do with it man. IM, myspace and facebook have probably connected more people than the traditional way ever did. Of course seeing someone face to face allows you to employ better social skills but it's really moot. HS is like a hurricane of romances that last weeks and months jumping from one girl/guy to the next. Don't be surprised if a girls attention span isn't what you'd expect out of a logical human being.

    On that note always keep your relationships with everyone positive. It's a major advantage especially later on in your life. Sure it might bug you being friends and you might feel somewhat of an awkwardness but ignore the awkwardness and go for being friends. Obviously if you're awkward around her about it she'll notice, teenage girls tend to be much better than teenage guys at reading and manipulating emotions. I'd say stay on positive terms with everyone.

    I would also suggest talking to people in different 'cliques' as much as possible. While some people might be outright hostile they tend to be the alpha dogs, often if you just avoid them at first you can find someone who isn't a douchebag and interact with them. Most people aren't inherenetly douchebags so there should be no shortage of friends.

    Eternalbl, you keep thinking that.

    elfdude on
    Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion.
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited August 2009
    I'm 28. Senior year of high school was one of the two worst years of my life to date. In general, it gets better.

    ceres on
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  • theSquidtheSquid Sydney, AustraliaRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    ceres wrote: »
    I'm 28. Senior year of high school was one of the two worst years of my life to date. In general, it gets better.

    Uni is way fucking better than high school in finding decent friends with the same interests as you. Just hang in there. If that actually means sitting tight with people who aren't that close with you to have someone to talk to at lunch or whatever, fine.

    And you missed your chance with the girl. God I went through the exact same thing about a month ago. Cut off contact with her and deal is all I have to say on the matter, give yourself a couple months to cool off before you consider contacting her again.

    The problem with high school is that the rest of the world consists of your grade - in my case it was ~75 guys, ~75 girls. They form about 5 - 10 cliques, half of which are cut off to you because they're gender exclusive. Worse yet, there's a social ladder that people force onto each other. If you have an original thought in your head and don't decide to become a cardboard cutout character like a surfie or a jock, or even a completely polarised nerd you're in trouble. So you fake it till you make it...

    To university. My university has, what, 10 thousand people in it? You can't make a social ladder out of that. Cliques fade into obscurity because everyone's too busy meeting interesting people. You have 10,000 people to find people with similar interests to yourself, and that's only assuming that's the only university in the city.

    tl;dr High school is shit and will amount to little more than a handful of emotional baggage to dispose of once you get to university/college/adulthood in general.

    theSquid on
  • The Black HunterThe Black Hunter The key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple, unimpeachable reason to existRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Here you can learn the most valuable lesson of your life, one that even I am failing at

    being able to get over it

    if you can do that, you are so much better prepared

    The Black Hunter on
  • The Black HunterThe Black Hunter The key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple, unimpeachable reason to existRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Uni is also amazing because even in your classes, you are sorrounded by people with interests like yours, I do industrial design and my classmates are absolutely tops, it's quite a specialised subject so we all have something to say about design (usually involving cars)

    Whereas highschool, and in my case especially middle school, seemed to be more about "Oh, well this guy isn't a total pain in the dick, we should hang out"

    The Black Hunter on
  • SaniusSanius Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    The friends part i've dealt with before. I had to basically "move up" in my clique to the point that I was always being invited to shit and discovered that I didn't want to be in the group because most of their activities involved drugs and sleeping in. After I got past them, I looked back and saw how many people I turned down to be friends with, and why I was somehow friends with people that didn't really want me around, and it usually just boiled down to the fact that I was nice and have plenty of cash sitting around. And the fact that I don't pay for people.

    For the girl, i've been in that situation with a chick I just met awhile back. Asked for her number, talked for awhile, hung out once or twice, said she really wanted to be with me but wasn't sure yet. Stopped talking after that since she started acting like a bitch (said all I wanted was sex? wtf? don't ask me.) Next girl is basically the same way. Tell her straight up i'm interested in her, she responds positively, but it doesn't go anywhere but if you bring up doing something one on one, you get shot down and the "let's be friends" in one variant or another.

    Some girls just don't want to be with someone, ESPECIALLY if you make it easy for them, I know more than a few ladies who don't want an open door to a relationship, they want to pick the lock and frustrate themselves. Seems to excite them. But i'm talking about high school seniors here, not college. So like everyone said, college should be better. I hope!

    Sanius on
  • rockmonkeyrockmonkey Little RockRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Don't worry about it so much, get a job in your free time to save money, focus on school and act like it doesn't bother you. Don't let them (friends or the girl) know that any of that shit gets to you. You can walk down the hall with your head held high and give off the air that you're completely content with where you are then people will be attracted to that.
    Be nice to people in class, don't be quiet or rude or put others down, but also don't be needy and you'll find prospective girls and friends where you didn't expect.

    A little Confidence in yourself can go a long way.

    rockmonkey on
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  • ShawnaseeShawnasee Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    I think, if you're honest with yourself, you'll find that part of you is hoping that there is a swoop chance for you when old dude gets gone.

    Scrap those thoughts and let her go.

    The friends are fringe, move on there too. I don't know about how to do that though.
    What I thought was a great idea though is getting a part time job or volunteering.

    Volunteering is cool because chicks dig that. And volunteer chicks, in my experience, are usually hot. :winky:

    Shawnasee on
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Sanius wrote: »
    Some girls just don't want to be with someone, ESPECIALLY if you make it easy for them, I know more than a few ladies who don't want an open door to a relationship, they want to pick the lock and frustrate themselves. Seems to excite them. But i'm talking about high school seniors here, not college. So like everyone said, college should be better. I hope!

    Odds are it's not that you're making it 'too easy' but that you're coming off as desperate or overbearing in your attempted to woo and neither of these are attractive.

    VisionOfClarity on
  • CrashtardCrashtard Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    If your plan is to go to college and get out of town, then fuck em. They clearly don't regard you as a friend, so who cares? My first semester of college it was important to me to keep in touch with all my high school friends. After that I stopped caring for the most part because, quite frankly, the quality level of the friends you'll make in college is THAT much better. I'm pretty much only friends with one person from high school, but I was friends with him for a long time before. Just make it through the year and you'll be free.

    Crashtard on
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