On losing one's v-card...
AnonymousCoward
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Here goes nothing. Posting as an anonymous coward, because I'm an anonymous coward.
I'm on my last year of college. I hear that after college ends, romantic / sexual opportunities dry up quickly. Right now I'm a 23 year old virgin, and I'd like to change that before I die, and I hear the best time to do that is in college. I also haven't had a relationship that lasted more than a month since high school. While I'd really like a real, committed relationship, but I don't wanna inflict my terrible first time on someone I really care about. I mean, whoever she is, she deserves better than some bumbling noob in bed.
So, I'm at a loss here.
Should I go ahead pursuing a relationship, but just warn ahead of time if something's gonna happen "hey, I'm gonna be terrible, it's my first time fyi", should I have someone hook me up before I get into a relationship so I don't ruin it with terrible sex? Am I overthinking this whole thing and any decent girl won't give a damn?
I finally got fairly in shape, got my own place, got a bit of money to play with, and some time to play with it in. I live in a college town with about 8 bars, give or take. The reason I've not yet gotten any is probably because of off-again on-again depression, which I fixed about a year ago. I'm a much better guy now.
So, any idea on what I should do? Any advice would be beyond appreciated.
I'm on my last year of college. I hear that after college ends, romantic / sexual opportunities dry up quickly. Right now I'm a 23 year old virgin, and I'd like to change that before I die, and I hear the best time to do that is in college. I also haven't had a relationship that lasted more than a month since high school. While I'd really like a real, committed relationship, but I don't wanna inflict my terrible first time on someone I really care about. I mean, whoever she is, she deserves better than some bumbling noob in bed.
So, I'm at a loss here.
Should I go ahead pursuing a relationship, but just warn ahead of time if something's gonna happen "hey, I'm gonna be terrible, it's my first time fyi", should I have someone hook me up before I get into a relationship so I don't ruin it with terrible sex? Am I overthinking this whole thing and any decent girl won't give a damn?
I finally got fairly in shape, got my own place, got a bit of money to play with, and some time to play with it in. I live in a college town with about 8 bars, give or take. The reason I've not yet gotten any is probably because of off-again on-again depression, which I fixed about a year ago. I'm a much better guy now.
So, any idea on what I should do? Any advice would be beyond appreciated.
AnonymousCoward on
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There's also nothing wrong with having a one night stand to get it over with. It's up to you how you feel about that though.
Also, no matter who you do it with do it safely.
Like what kind of research?
I don't think that things immediately dry up, it just requires a bit more effort on the part the relationship seekers. You're no longer automatically in situations where you meet eligible girls in class or at college functions. You have to create or find situations like that after college, hence one of the reasons behind bars, clubs, concerts etc.
You mentioned money. This will sound crass but if you've already got a decent job or have a job lined up upon graduation you've got a huge advantage. Resources are one of the attributes that women have evolved to look for in a mate. You'll notice I didn't say "one night stand" or anything like that. Because again, women as a virtue of their role in the game of evolution tend to be in things for the long haul. This doesn't account for individual differences of course but that's just the general nature of things. So instead of focusing so much on finding a girl right away, just focus on you and your development. If a girl happens into your life through class or mutual friends, by all means go for it. But I wouldn't make finding a girl your top priority at this juncture.
As far as sex. Again this is much less of a big deal than it may seem. Women aren't all about sex. Talk to any married man who's got more than a decade of "bliss" under his belt! If you find a girl who relates to you, is happy being around you and who confides in you and who sees you as reliable chances are a night or two of awkward first time sex won't drive her off, its already been said that you can study up and improve even before you get to doing the deed.
1. Effort needed to meet girls increases after college. They don't just disappear or anything. Friends and acquaintances become more important in finding a girl.
2. If you've got resources, you're doing pretty well in the game of finding a girl. Resources can be physical attributes, money or any number of things.
3. First time sex does not equal bad sex. Nor do most women break up with you for being a virgin, if they do, then they weren't worth it.
What do you want to know? You can ask all the questions you want here.
Let me answer a few for you.
Foreplay foreplay foreplay.
Also, try and relax and be calm so you don't shoot your guys off in less than ten seconds. If you do, don't worry about it, that just means you will be able to go again, and longer, in about another 30 minutes or less.
It won't be amazing the first time, but it doesn't have to be terrible.
Communication is important. Very important.
but they're listening to every word I say
Jebus, thanks for the more specific advice. I already knew most of that, but thanks for the reminder.
I should probably mention that I could never be accused of being 'sexy'. So when (or if) I find a someone, I don't wanna be the "good boyfriend" while she fucks 10 other guys because I leave her unsatisfied in the sack. But I suppose that goes with communication.
I don't really agree with this. You don't have to tell her at all. Don't think that your first time will be terrible anyway, because it really isn't always like that. I don't see it as being "courteous" to tell her. You have no obligation to. I'm not saying you shouldn't or that it would be wrong, but I don't think you should.
I also had sex for the first time relatively late, and had close to zero experience getting intimate with girls, but my first time went great. Don't let societal perceptions make you nervous. In fact, that is the only reason I can see to really feeling you HAVE to or really should tell her you are a virgin.
You're welcome. If you have any more specific questions, feel free to ask.
but they're listening to every word I say
I know there are some people who pride themselves on taking virginities (I was almost on the receiving end of such an offer once, many moons ago), but do people really want to "teach" people? Seems like it'd be more trouble than it was worth unless the person learned really quick and used their skills on you.
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I think you'll be fine. The secret to being good in bed is to care about whether the other person is enjoying it. As long as that's your goal, then all is well. Do some research on techniques, it still takes practice to figure out how things work but that will give you a starting point. Read about oral sex and erogenous zones. Pay attention to your partner's reactions, her feedback on whatever you are doing is usually a good indicator.
Keep in mind that most girls don't (or can't) cum during intercourse. That's why you go down on her, or use your hand, or whatever works for her. Don't worry too much about this on your first time, though. As you build experience with a girl, keep communicating, she should be able to help guide you in the best way to get her off. Every girl is a little bit different, so while i might know how to get my last girlfriend off, the next girl it might take some time and experimentation. The good news is, this is all fun
Guys who are less experienced tend to be much more into doing whatever it takes to please their partner. They also tend to have less hang ups about being given tips/advice and don't get offended by it.
protip: Don't start scouring the wharf for a midget in a dingy.
I came here specifically to say this.
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This is literally something you could explain almost immediately beforehand, though it would be best if it came up coincidentally earlier.
If it is going to be a one night stand no.
But if you have gone on a few dates and plan on seeing her again saying something along the lines of "I want to let you know I'm not very experienced" is a good thing. I mean if you weren't a virgin you would be expected to have a conversation about your sexual past so I don't see why it is different if you are a virgin. (also to the OP there was a long thread a couple of weeks ago with lots of people weighing in specifically on this point)
I saw the thread title and came in hoping someone had mentioned this. Calling it something like "v-card" means your putting your first time up on a pedestal a bit and if you use it in front of more experienced people they will flee and/or laugh.
On the other hand when I was 15 I said fuck it what good's a virginity doing me anyway so I just lost it. It was terrible and I didn't get what the hoopla was about until the fourth person I slept with (a virgin ironically, 1st time sucked but after that he was really into being good at it and well it worked).
Was it romantic and meaningful, no? Do I regret it, no. It all depends on you, some people prefer relationships others just like to get laid and some do both (hopefully not at the same time though) or are somewhere in between. It's really up to you and what you're comfortable with.
Really the best advice I can give you is to just not worry about it. Once it takes a spot in the front of your brain, and you're always thinking about it, it will make things much harder for you. Do your best to just get out there and have fun and meet people. Hey, if you were never the bar type, or never met girls in settings like that, don't force it. Meet friends of friends in social settings. Go to places that you like and feel comfortable. Get a dog? (Not really)... (You do meet people that way though). I've never - never- slept with someone whom I met in a bar, though I haven't had any problems meeting people. The amount of people who have had meaningful experiences with people they first met in bars, all time, can probably be counted on one hand (that's probably not true but you understand my meaning).
Also, I'm a few years removed from college. It was certainly easier to meet people in college, but you'd be surprised about afterwards. Keep in contact with your pals from college. They'll inevitably move to new places and make new friends, who will have their own friends. Opportunities will come to you, but you have to get out there.
Bottom line: just put yourself out there in the settings that you are most comfortable. Bottom line when you find yourself in a situation with new, available people: have fun. If you can allow yourself to have fun and not worry, everything will fall into place. Don't think of your 'v-card' like it's some mark on your permanent record that every girl gets to review and talk about with the girl council: Oh, he's a nice looking fellow. Very funny too. But yes, regrettable about that mark...
Good luck.
Note that this can backfire; some women, like many men, are mostly interested in rolling over and passing the hell out after getting off. But it's a safer bet, in my opinion.
To be blunt, it's not hard to please (most) women. The first rule of "being good in bed" is to pay attention. If you do something and her breath catches or whatever, do it some more, while still trying to find other things that make her breathless. If you can keep your head enough to do that, it's smooth sailing. (So to speak. Motion of the ocean might get a bit rough, as it were.) Everything else builds off that and varies from woman to woman anyway.
Haha, my girl is like that and I am the opposite... :-p
I recently lost my virginity at 24, a year after college. In fact, I have never been so successful dating (college) girls (the more interesting ones) as I was after college. I contribute this mostly to the fact that I was abroad and no longer felt like I needed to get a girl. Really, trying to lose one's virginity, finding a girl or whatnot is usually not very conducive to actually getting there.
Of course, the other side of this is that inexperience may prevent you from making a move (still usually required from the guy). So, next time you meet a cute girl, try and make conversation with her. Ask her on a date if you still like her after conversation, etc. You get the point.
I remember my first kiss (24, not the same girl I lost my virginity to)...this felt so huge in my head that I was afraid of actually going for it. In fact, I was afraid of hitting on this girl because things seemed difficult, complicated and whatnot. In fact, once you take that first step, a flow takes over and things become so natural you wonder why you ever thought that they would be difficult.
Above advice applies to dating in general, but also in bed. Things will seem natural, and the more you relax and just let it happen the better things will go.
Also, most of the stuff you see on the internet doesn't actually happen most of the time. In fact, most of that stuff, if suggested to the average girl you just met, will result in bad times. If performed without suggestion because "everyone loves a surprise!" will result in death. Of course, you may also meet someone with very specific fetishes and leave the experience confused and concerned... and even in some cases uncertain as to the state of your virginity. Or you may like it. That is the odd thing about sex; you will learn that there are things you enjoy having performed to you that you would never have expected to enjoy (or expected to be humanly possible).
Go into the relationship looking for enjoyable company and the ability to foster mutual support in all areas and all ways.
Go into flings and one-night stands looking for a replacement for certain personal activities.
Don't mix the reasons up.
Murphy's Paradox: The more you plan, the more that can go wrong. The less you plan, the less likely your plan will succeed.
Apparently it's not really that good for anyone to shallowly put your penis into someone's orifice.
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sig worthy? Methinks yes. YES... maybe.. haha.
I would have to say it isn't true though. On a basic level you know what to do, but what to do best takes some work.
edit: I recommend the book "Sex for Dummies." Seriously, it has some great advice.
but they're listening to every word I say
Yeah this. Sex can be really damn funny at times and as long as you can realise that you're all set. But basically just go with the flow. It should just work out fine as long as you aint a nervous wreck.
Youtube Channel!
Hmm, I'm intrigued and a bit disturbed there is such a book in that series.
And I'm not sure how naturally it comes to everyone, since I know someone who had an anecdote about how he sort of had sex because there was some p in v but he didn't know what to do and neither did she so they sort of just laid there until they got bored.
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The Guide to Getting It On is much better.
but they're listening to every word I say
Seriously? Because 1) I never had that, 2) I don't know anyone who had that, 3) You do move a little, notice it feels better when there is some friction going on and take it from there? Just lying around seems a little...stupid?
Yeah, I don't think most people are in any danger of just lying there. And most guys don't need any help to figure out how to cum. However, if you want to please the lady, some instruction is a good idea. You never know whether she's going to be confident enough to help you out, especially when you're doing it for the first time.
The best advice I can give you is to start off lightly at first. Some women are very sensitive, some aren't. Her nipples and clit could have different levels of sensitivity, too. If she goes nuts from light touch, you're golden. If she seems to want more or asks for more, there ya go. Better to do it that way than to paw around like an enraged grizzly bear and make her cranky.