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My dad died and I don't know how to feel
APODionysus
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So my father died about a week ago. I really have no idea how I should feel or, perhaps worse, how I do feel. It's not a simple situation.
First, background information. My father was an awful person. He cheated on my mom repeatedly, wrecked my family when this was revealed and he left her, refused to pay a dime of either my or my sister's college expenses, fought a long and contentious battle over alimony despite being a successful and wealthy surgeon, and then proceed to often not make alimony payments. I could go on. He was a terrible human being and I hated him. I haven't spoken to him since I was 17, I'm 31 now. I have an amazing stepfather who I love dearly and has my wonderful to me, my mother and my sister.
I haven't really had a reaction to his death. At least not a conscious one. I haven't cheered or cried or gotten angry. For the most part, my reaction was "huh. Didn't expect that" and move one. I worried about my sister, who is recovering from substance abuse and always took stuff involving our dad harder than I did, but that was about the extent of my reaction. If anything, I looked at the inevitable phone calls I'd receive as an annoying chore.
I mean that makes sense right? Given my relationship with him ?
Except there seems to be more going on. My girlfriend has noticed that I've been markedly less affectionate since. Not wanting to be kissed, stuff like that. She's not complaining as she wants to be supportive, but since she noticed it, I noticed it. Sometimes I feel like there is a reaction in the far back of my mind but I can't grab it or identify it. Something is going on, but I can't get to it in order to face it and move on. Am I upset ? I mean sure he's my father, but he's more of a gene donor than anything. That doesn't really make sense, does it?
It's a weird situation and frankly I'm a bit lost. I figured some of you out there may have had similar experiences and could help out.
First, background information. My father was an awful person. He cheated on my mom repeatedly, wrecked my family when this was revealed and he left her, refused to pay a dime of either my or my sister's college expenses, fought a long and contentious battle over alimony despite being a successful and wealthy surgeon, and then proceed to often not make alimony payments. I could go on. He was a terrible human being and I hated him. I haven't spoken to him since I was 17, I'm 31 now. I have an amazing stepfather who I love dearly and has my wonderful to me, my mother and my sister.
I haven't really had a reaction to his death. At least not a conscious one. I haven't cheered or cried or gotten angry. For the most part, my reaction was "huh. Didn't expect that" and move one. I worried about my sister, who is recovering from substance abuse and always took stuff involving our dad harder than I did, but that was about the extent of my reaction. If anything, I looked at the inevitable phone calls I'd receive as an annoying chore.
I mean that makes sense right? Given my relationship with him ?
Except there seems to be more going on. My girlfriend has noticed that I've been markedly less affectionate since. Not wanting to be kissed, stuff like that. She's not complaining as she wants to be supportive, but since she noticed it, I noticed it. Sometimes I feel like there is a reaction in the far back of my mind but I can't grab it or identify it. Something is going on, but I can't get to it in order to face it and move on. Am I upset ? I mean sure he's my father, but he's more of a gene donor than anything. That doesn't really make sense, does it?
It's a weird situation and frankly I'm a bit lost. I figured some of you out there may have had similar experiences and could help out.
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When my grandparents died, because of how they died and the fact that it happened at the same time, I didn't really have too much of a reaction either. I mean, I had a lot of feelings, but no way to express them, so I just kind of didn't, and put them away. That was bad. Don't do that. If some time goes by and it's still affecting you in a way you aren't comfortable with, try to speak with a therapist about it.
I'm still working through some recent grief of my own (albeit involving someone I cared about deeply), and the major thing I would say about it is... If you seem to be feeling something, but you can't actually address the feeling, you definitely ought to see a counselor of some sort (preferably one with experience with grief), or maybe find a grief workshop or group. This is precisely what those things exist for. You might initially feel kind of silly doing it, like you don't need to be there because you aren't actively miserable, but I think that grief is one of the hardest things to both recognize and actually work through without any professional help. It just makes sense to talk through what's going on with somebody when you can't quite seem to grasp it yourself.
Edit: I should note that I came to this conclusion AFTER trying to talk through it with my family and S.O. It just wasn't working for me at all (which made everybody ELSE feel worse because they couldn't help), so I really feel like groups/people dedicated to this sort of topic are very important to at least try sitting down with.
Likewise, this person who gave you their DNA had a role in your mind, a phone number to dread, a face to hate, voice and speech patterns that caused you to feel anger once heard.
Now, you similarly have to adjust to life with this person gone, and part of letting go of the effects you associate with him is thinking about how he affected you.
I vote therapy as well. Personal experience has left me with the view that one should learn how to look into their heart and act on what they find, and therapy goes a long way toward that.
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So many years later, I find that I'm just missing his sense of humor and creating new memories with him. He won't get to see my daughter who is due for birth in 2 months and that is difficult for me as I think he'd have been a wonderful grandfather. Which leads me to where I think I kind of have some overlap with your situation.
My grandparents on my mom's side are just awful. I've been living my life just assuming they were already dead for about a decade. The list is long about why I feel this way about them. They are certainly at the end of their lives now and my mom has not prepared herself at all for that loss. She can rationalize their impending deaths, but has not accepted it. When they do die, I'm expecting to feel that same indifference I did when my dad died, but instead of my grief transforming into what I deal with now for him, I suspect I will never care much that they passed as they don't affect my life directly.
Your father affected you directly, so in my experience, that's what causes the weird emotions to pop up at indeterminate moments after that person passes. I've never went to therapy for my dad's passing and perhaps I should. I'd definitely recommend it though if you are in a position where your reaction is causing your family and friends to notice a change in behavior.
I hope seeing and hearing about others' stories helps you!
Some of it can just be the catch 22 of your own feelings, you'll have multiple feelings contradicting each other and it can send you for a loop. But don't browbeat yourself with it, or feel guilty/wrong for your feelings no matter which way they turn. Be very careful of thoughts that begin with "If only..."
I'll also join in with others recommending a therapist, they have a knack for making you figure things out on your own by sending your thoughts down paths they don't normally take, and that alternate view of the situation can be very enlightening.
But , don't let yourself feel guilt/shame for how you feel, if you don't feel bad , you don't feel bad, period. It's no fault of yours, and don't lessen your view of yourself for it.
Have you and your girlfriend really had a night off together since this happened? Your stress over just dealing with the situation, worrying about other family members during it, may just be taking more of a toll than you realize, maybe a night out together with her just doing something calm and relaxing, and then a good sleep could also help?
This is pretty terrible advice.
I'm not prepared to say it's great advice, and I know it's not for everyone, but when I have an event that might be affecting me emotionally, I often have a few drinks by myself, alone, at my apartment. It has helped me process and come to terms with more than a few things.
I will qualify this by saying I am truly terrible at identifying and appropriately expressing emotions. I just want to stress that for some people, @tinwhiskers' advice is actually quite good. Alcohol, like any drug, can have medicinal uses -- for some, this is simply one of them.
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If you think how you feel is way off base, or unjustified (in either direction), definitely seek counseling.
A good counselor is an amazing thing.