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Wife wants to quit her job to be a stay at home mom
UnderTheBridge
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I'm going to try and keep this as concise as possible. Some background info:
My wife and I had been discussing having a child for a while, initially I wanted to hold off. I wasn't sure we were financially ready for it, and I still wanted to do more stuff while we had the freedom to (traveling, stuff with friends, etc.). Eventually we decided we were going to try and we had our first child about 6 months ago. And I couldn't be more happy that we did. Our baby is amazing and basically the best part of my life these days. I have no regrets as far as that goes. That being said, financially things are "tight." We are able to save a couple hundred dollars a month after its all said and done, but if we were to lose her salary things wouldn't be easy. Daycare is currently a huge expense ($1000+ a month) and he isn't even there half the time as he gets sick every other week it seems and will miss a few days, causing one of us to have to use sick time/vacation to stay home with him. These constant colds means were are at the doctors office pretty regularly, not to mention that we are both getting sick as well. This all adds a lot of stress to our lives. Both are jobs are pretty understanding about this. The daycare is by her job, so she is tasked with dropping the baby off/picking him up on top of what is already a pretty crappy commute (45 minutes to an hour or more on bad days).
With all that in mind, my wife has wanted to quit her job since we started daycare. She wont do it however as I have been pretty against the idea for a multitude of reasons, and she wont do it until both of us agree to it. The money is obviously a big issue, she makes a little less than me, but with the cost of daycare and gas and eating out she probably doesnt take home all that much per month.. maybe a few hundred dollars. And if it was just about the money, I would probably be more likely to acquiesce. But our health benefits are through her job, and they are frankly leagues better than what my job has to offer. Also if we were to go on my plan I would make several hundred dollars less per month, compounding our lack of income.
Even then I would strongly consider it, but there is one other issue at play. She has dealt with major anxiety and depression issues throughout her life. She had seemingly conquered them by the time I met her. And things were great for the first year and a half or so. Until one day they seemed to surge back, and she was having such extreme anxiety that she couldnt seem to eat or work or do anything. At that point she went onto medication and things returned to normal. Unfortunately, her pregnancy and subsequent breast feeding precludes her from being on the medication at this time. And her anxiety and depression have seemed to return (on top of what I can only imagine is the usual PPD). They arent quite as bad as where she was at the height of her struggles with them, but I can tell they are there.
A few weeks after we had started day care, when she first expressed that she wanted to quit her job I told her that I would relent if she would go out and get help with her anxiety/depression. I didnt want her to be staying home with our child and letting that situation fester into something worse. She agreed, but hasnt made much of an effort to do this. She says that she is too busy to do anything about it. And while I can see her point, I have offered to whatever it takes for her to seek professional help on the matter. Pick up the baby, take days off so that she could have time to do what she needed, etc. But the situation hasnt improved. It concerns me because I know from my own battles with both of those symptoms that confining yourself to the house and giving up one of the only things that provides social interactions on a daily basis is a precarious idea. Moreover, these symptoms are a running theme in her family, and the idea of leaving these untreated will ultimately mean passing them on to our impressionable child.
Confusing matters is the fact that she swings wildly from one agreeing to disagreeing with me. Every time our child picks up yet another cold she will fly into anger or sadness, and be extremely upset that she still has to work. A week later when she has calmed a bit she will tell me that continuing to keep him in daycare is ultimately the right thing to do.
Am I being unreasonable? At this point I dont really know what to do. I love my wife and child, but the stress of all this is really tearing my wife and I apart.
Thanks for reading what is probably way too long. TLDR: my wife wants to quit her job and Im worried about her anxiety.
My wife and I had been discussing having a child for a while, initially I wanted to hold off. I wasn't sure we were financially ready for it, and I still wanted to do more stuff while we had the freedom to (traveling, stuff with friends, etc.). Eventually we decided we were going to try and we had our first child about 6 months ago. And I couldn't be more happy that we did. Our baby is amazing and basically the best part of my life these days. I have no regrets as far as that goes. That being said, financially things are "tight." We are able to save a couple hundred dollars a month after its all said and done, but if we were to lose her salary things wouldn't be easy. Daycare is currently a huge expense ($1000+ a month) and he isn't even there half the time as he gets sick every other week it seems and will miss a few days, causing one of us to have to use sick time/vacation to stay home with him. These constant colds means were are at the doctors office pretty regularly, not to mention that we are both getting sick as well. This all adds a lot of stress to our lives. Both are jobs are pretty understanding about this. The daycare is by her job, so she is tasked with dropping the baby off/picking him up on top of what is already a pretty crappy commute (45 minutes to an hour or more on bad days).
With all that in mind, my wife has wanted to quit her job since we started daycare. She wont do it however as I have been pretty against the idea for a multitude of reasons, and she wont do it until both of us agree to it. The money is obviously a big issue, she makes a little less than me, but with the cost of daycare and gas and eating out she probably doesnt take home all that much per month.. maybe a few hundred dollars. And if it was just about the money, I would probably be more likely to acquiesce. But our health benefits are through her job, and they are frankly leagues better than what my job has to offer. Also if we were to go on my plan I would make several hundred dollars less per month, compounding our lack of income.
Even then I would strongly consider it, but there is one other issue at play. She has dealt with major anxiety and depression issues throughout her life. She had seemingly conquered them by the time I met her. And things were great for the first year and a half or so. Until one day they seemed to surge back, and she was having such extreme anxiety that she couldnt seem to eat or work or do anything. At that point she went onto medication and things returned to normal. Unfortunately, her pregnancy and subsequent breast feeding precludes her from being on the medication at this time. And her anxiety and depression have seemed to return (on top of what I can only imagine is the usual PPD). They arent quite as bad as where she was at the height of her struggles with them, but I can tell they are there.
A few weeks after we had started day care, when she first expressed that she wanted to quit her job I told her that I would relent if she would go out and get help with her anxiety/depression. I didnt want her to be staying home with our child and letting that situation fester into something worse. She agreed, but hasnt made much of an effort to do this. She says that she is too busy to do anything about it. And while I can see her point, I have offered to whatever it takes for her to seek professional help on the matter. Pick up the baby, take days off so that she could have time to do what she needed, etc. But the situation hasnt improved. It concerns me because I know from my own battles with both of those symptoms that confining yourself to the house and giving up one of the only things that provides social interactions on a daily basis is a precarious idea. Moreover, these symptoms are a running theme in her family, and the idea of leaving these untreated will ultimately mean passing them on to our impressionable child.
Confusing matters is the fact that she swings wildly from one agreeing to disagreeing with me. Every time our child picks up yet another cold she will fly into anger or sadness, and be extremely upset that she still has to work. A week later when she has calmed a bit she will tell me that continuing to keep him in daycare is ultimately the right thing to do.
Am I being unreasonable? At this point I dont really know what to do. I love my wife and child, but the stress of all this is really tearing my wife and I apart.
Thanks for reading what is probably way too long. TLDR: my wife wants to quit her job and Im worried about her anxiety.
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First, if one of you quits working, you need to weigh the cost benefit of doing so. You say the healthcare benefits are much better through her work? That's a huge plus. But she makes less than you? What are the chances you could stay home?
As for the anxiety and depression, that's on her to keep under control. Now that the baby is born, she should consider getting back on them and if that means the baby goes on formula, that might be the best option. You're right, being stuck at home doesn't help with these things.
You've considered the cost of daycare, but have you considered the cost of gas, car insurance, wear and tear, and general time off too? Right now one of you has to take time off, but if one of you is a full time caretaker, none of you have to take time off. That also means a lot less time in the car, a lot less wear and tear on that 2nd vehicle, and you should tell your car insurance the person who's staying is no longer commuting to work (maybe you can waggle a discount out of it).
Also kids are going to get sick. They're basically sickness factories, and on average a child gets sick every 2-4 weeks. Side effect of being young and having no immune system.
This is something you should discuss in detail. Weigh all the pros and cons of each. You should also look to see if your state has a child health coverage too if going on your insurance is going to be a big deal (and a big cost). But lay out all the costs.
If you were the breadwinner, how much would it cost for healthcare?
If she was the breadwinner, how much would you lose a month in take home pay?
If you both worked, how much would daycare cost and how much does it cost to commute and take time off every 3 weeks?
Get it down to the nearest tens or hundreds so you have a bigger picture of what's the most affordable and, more importantly, what's the best decision for your family.
The first thing you should do - before you go any further in the discussion - is do a careful financial analysis. Start with the fixed costs like daycare, second car / gas / insurance, etc. Have the actual numbers for each scenario to get an idea how much of a gap you need to make up. That should be a baseline consideration to see if you can even afford to do it at all.
Health insurance is a big one, but make sure you consider the exchanges and ACA subsidies. Both with, and without, her income. Also consider tax benefits that may come with the drop in income. You could easily pick up a hundred dollars or more a month depending on how much you make and how much your income drops.
Then consider the more qualitative stuff - is she someone who will work hard around the house? It's an honest question, and if she's doing laundry / dishes / making dinner / buying groceries / etc, that's a lot of extra time that you have as a family to do things that you want. When I worked at my previous job, I worked 4x10 and was able to do all the weekly around the house stuff on my day off and pretty much freed up a whole day on the weekend where would instead be doing chores. If she's cooking dinner and getting lunches ready, maybe you'll save eating out for lunch and dinner once a week, and that savings can add up.
You obviously shouldn't put everything on her, but there should be a baseline expectation of what she'll do and what she won't do. If she's only taking care of your child that's still good, but it's not as beneficial as if she's contributing what she can.
Don't forget things like vacation time -- if you're able to use your vacation for actual planned stuff instead of sitting the house when the baby is sick, there's a pretty substantial benefit there. Kids get sick, and you don't get money back from daycare when they are. It's just part of having a kid that sucks. Daycare is freaking expensive.
Consider things like her working a part-time job - does an afternoon or two a week help cover the gap without cutting into family time too much? Do you have a friend / neighbor whose kid your wife can care for sometimes to make some extra money? Is there something she can do during this time that's a concrete long-term benefit, like taking classes and finishing up a degree? Make sure you take those things into consideration as well.
You need to voice your concerns about depression. Postpartum is a real problem and something that you should be aware of and address as well as possible. Postpartum can affect men too, and it's not unusual to feel unhappy and stressed out when you have a baby. It wasn't until my daughter was ~3 that my wife and I finally settled back in and really back on track and happy together - we had a lot of tension and some coldness / fights in that time.
One big consideration should be if you're going to have more kids. That will change the financial equation a lot, since two or more kids in daycare gets incredibly expensive. If you're going to have a second kid that would be in daycare when your first kid goes to kindergarten, having your wife home and available to handle all the dropping off / picking up will be nice too.
Your child is still very young, but have a rough long-term plan as well. Daycare isn't forever and not having to spend the $TEXAS every month when they go to kindergarten. Will your financial situation be bearably tight for a few years until they go to school? It's hard to plan four-five years out, but not impossible.
So there are a ton of benefits to having a stay-at-home parent. You need to know if 1. it's even doable and 2. if the benefits outweigh the costs.
If this is something she really wants and there's any way in the world to swing it, I think you should try. She's never going to get this part of her kid's life back, anyway.
Yea, I definitely understand PPD is very real and how she has no control over it. It's just hard to parse which is which at this point. Which is kind of why I want her to at least talk to a professional a bit before we make a decision. If I at least knew that her past issues werent involved in this then I would feel much better about having her stay home. I've just seen what her being at home all the time can do to her, and to myself frankly. Maybe I will never be able to know and just have to accept that. I'm not sure.
To answer some other points:
I know that the illness thing is just what happens at daycare. And I know that if we avoid the situation now its just going to happen when he starts school a few years down the road. Which makes me nervous that we will have to go through this argument again when that time comes.
I handle pretty much all the housework. I figure its only fair since I cant really do much about the night feedings until he gets older or we start using formula, which my wife has been against. I'm not sure how this would be handled should she quit her job.
Shes mentioned getting a part time job, but doesnt want to bother trying while she is working, because she again feels like she has no time to do so.
For your (other) points:
Normally a kindergartner gets sick a lot less than a <1 year old in daycare, so if you keep your baby in daycare the issue probably won't come up again in 4-5 years. There is a case to be made that it's easier (but normally not cheaper) to arrange year-round care for a daycare / preschool age kid than summer / spring / winter break care for a school age kid, but most people don't work while their kid is a baby / toddler but quit when the kid is school age. I think that if things work out now, it'll be less of a concern down the road. Just my $.02 though.
I think it's fair about housework, but has your wife tried pumping so you can feed at night or take turns? I know it doesn't work for some people, but it could give her a bit of a break. Either way, if your baby is 6 months old now night feedings shouldn't be an issue that much longer. When we were breastfeeding (which wasn't too long - we mostly switched to formula by the time my wife went back to work) my wife would have happily traded doing dishes or a load of laundry for a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. Of course, it was a bit of a moot point since my wife wasn't able to sleep anyway even when I was doing feedings.
In general though, I think it's entirely unreasonable for a stay-at-home wife / husband not to do at least the bulk of the housework and food preparation. Everything shouldn't be put on them, but being a homemaker shouldn't be an excuse to screw around all day while your spouse is at work. If it works for you that's your prerogative, but responsibilities should be shared. I know I would be pretty unhappy and resentful if my wife quit her job and didn't pick up the slack at home. Which does go both ways.
Last point, it'll all come down to numbers and the amount of sacrifice that's acceptable. It's not unreasonable that she would wait until she's off to find another job if that's the route that you two decide to go.
I did take on more workload to be a bit more comfortable with finances, so I am working more than before. This leaves almost no time for me to do any housework except the yard maintenance on the weekend. I try to grill once a week to make it easier at night getting food prepared.
We are both really happy with our situation and if at all possible you guys should try it. It is definitely not easy though, there is a reason daycare for babies costs so much. It is hard as hell. It will get harder with two kids.. but then again daycare costs go up as well.
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Unless your wife decides to keep your child at home all the time, your child will still get sick fairly frequently. My son isn't in day care and he usually gets sick every other month just because he interacts with so many other kids at play dates, at the park, at the supermarket, etc.
She's a first time mom. I am a mom to now two little ones! When I had my first, it probably took almost that whole first year of the baby's life before I started to feel like myself again. The first 3-6 months, I was a mess. I "hated" my husband for no reason at all. Literally he was AMAZING during this time! Amazing! But for some reason I just had this like total dislike for him that I completely recognized and told him that I knew it was unreasonable and unfair of me to feel that way with no actual cause on his part. I started to research more on postpartum depression and realized that that feeling for one's spouse right after having a baby is a thing. Once I read it and heard of other moms experiences I realized that I needed to connect with more moms.
I joined a mommy fitness class that I could bring my baby to with me. This helped soooo much. I got out the house with the baby, got some fresh air (as the classes were held outside), got to talk to other moms and when I did that I realized that I was OK! I was doing a good job as a mom. My feelings, my anxieties, my emotions were all normal! These other ladies had experienced or were currently experiencing the same things! That alone just helped me so much and I think truly gave me a turn around on my attitude with my husband. He definitely noticed a big difference. I started Mommy and Me classes and library storytimes just to connect with more moms.
Basically, what I'm saying is, she needs to connect with someone. Either a therapist, or a mom group, or something like that! And I truly think y'all should sit down and work out your monthly budget. Get that in order to figure out EXACTLY how much you spend every month and so what you can cut out to make this stay at home thing work.
I became a stay at home mom when I had my first and we've made the necessary sacrafices to do so and my husband has moved up in his career a lot over the past few years so now we've not only got a budget that we work on together every month, but I get to be home with my two kiddos and be there with them as they learn and grow. It truly is a special time that you'll never get back.
Tl;dr: I'm a stay at home mom and have 2 kids under 5 years old. Having my first was life changing and the mood swings that your wife has can be helped! Connect with more moms/parents! Work on and agree to a monthly budget EVERY month and make this stay at home thing work!
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Anyway, congrats on the heir/petri dish!
I ask because it is a lot, like a crazy lot and some people are not built for that. My wife was a wreck when we had our first kid and she had to start dropping him off at day care, she cried every day and felt awful that she could not spend every day with him. But the people at the daycare have done such great things with our son. Things that we would never have thought to do. Now that he is 2, he loves it there with all his friends and activities. I am not ashamed to admit that neither of us would do half as good a job filling his day with activities as they do. Its literally their job!
Now your day care may be better or worse then that, i realize there is a wide spectrum there. But staying home and raising the baby is so hard, and if she isn't filled with joy by that kind of work then it will be very difficult.
after they're toilet trained, they go down even more.
your child will (in a few short years) also be going to Pre-K, and will open up opportunities for you or your wife to return to work
it's takes time, but eventually it gets ironed out!
Yeah, I've only had to manage half-days, but babies are exhausting and often thankless. Work is way easier. WAY easier. Stay at home requires a lot of patience, a lot of positive energy (as sometimes they're just in a shitty mood and you need to overcome that) and a continuing focus on development and time management.
It'd definitely be worth it to the both of you to read up a LOT on what stay-at-home parenting involves, in real terms.
I have three children, and when we had our first, my wife wanted so badly to be able to stay home with our daughter. We talked over the course of several days and decided to have her try it out and see how she felt after being home for a few days with the baby. My wife loved it. She was never happier. So we looked at our financial situation, made many cuts and sacrifices, and started living off just my income. It was hard and we didn't have much money for extra stuff, but in the end it was worth it to us. She got to take care of our daughter and that is how she liked it. My wife has good days and bad days over the course of the three kids, but she loves being able to personally oversee the raising and developing of the kids. Over the years, when I get home I take over to give her a break, I do a large portion of the housework to help her out, and every couple weeks she goes and has dinner with a friend of hers so she can have a quiet couple hours. My family and kids are my primary social group and that is more than ok for me. They are my world.
Thirteen years later, we have three kids, and she does some small part time work for my mothers title company. She is able to run title searches and stuff from home. That brings in a very small amount that she keeps and gets to have fun with. My income takes care of the bills. It's tight most of the time. We have food and get the bills paid. We don't have a huge amount to do a bunch of extra stuff, but that doesn't matter to us. We are happy, we do a lot of inexpensive stuff with the kids like the park, the beach, fishing, playing ball in our yard, and lots of board games. Our life is simple but fantastic.
Your situation may be completely different and that will be for you and your wife to decide together. I just thought I'd share my experience since we faced a similar dilemma.
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I don't know to what extent either of you really care about your careers, but taking off a few years to be a stay at home parent can have a huge impact. Depending on your fields and geographic area, it can be hard to even find a job after taking several years off, and you may have to take a step or two back relative to where you're at now.
It might be worth exploring the idea of taking a temporary sabbatical, if either of your employers would be game. Take six months off or something, then you can go back without having to worry about finding a new job or taking a step back, career wise.
Also, my wife was on medications to deal with her anxiety, and was strongly advised to forego breast feeding to remain on them, because her mental health was obviously hugely important.
For our second kid, she was able to switch meds so that she could still breast feed. Even so, she couldn't produce much milk, so we had to switch to formula anyway.
Point being, breast feeding has lots of benefits, but neither of you should feel bad about considering alternatives if it's not right for you. Or consider supplementing with formula for night feedings so your wife can get some sleep.
Throughout all this, though, just remember that it gets easier. The first few months are the hardest, because you don't know what you're doing and you're constantly exhausted. We were fucking zombies for the first six months with each of our kids, but eventually you find a routine and things fall into place.
How important this staying-in-touch is depends on the type of job, of course, and in those cases I was working a 4-day week for a while to give her a day to work, but even just going for lunch/dinner with ex-co-workers from time to time is worthwhile.
Just to echo this: it is for everyones benefit.
1) Your partner gets some time to relax
2) You get some time to bond alone with your child
3) You don't have your partner ready to snap your neck because they've been driven to their absolute limit by your spawn.
Life got so much better once my girlfriend started working again, not just because of the income but because it forced her to get out of the house once in a while. (Not saying your partner should keep working, just make sure they are getting out and having time to enjoy themselves too or they'll get bored and it can cause problems in your relationship.)