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when should I ask her out?
dwarffortressland
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Anonymous for the usual reasons.
One of my close female friends who I've always had a pseudo-romantic relationship with just told me she is going to be breaking up with her boyfriend of close to a year soon. I met her last year and very quickly became smitten with her, and ended up asking her out just a couple of days after she starting dating this boyfriend. At the time, she said she totally would have dated me, I just had poor timing. Her relationship with him was never terribly strong; they fought a lot and she'd confide in me, and she has told a mutual close friend of ours "I wish I had dated dwarffortressland instead" (and that close friend then told me that she said that). She is breaking up with him because their relationship has fallen into indifference. She just isn't into him anymore. She is worried about his reaction because he has a bad temper. This was also her first relationship.
I definitely plan on asking her out again, and I'm almost certain she'll say yes. The question is, how long should I wait? I've read enough girl threads in here that there it's a bad idea to ask a girl out immediately after she gets out of a relationship. I'm not in any terrible hurry. I should also mention that there are a LOT of other guys who want to date her, and I know she is bad at saying no to things (which is why she has stayed in this relationship so long). Extra difficulty: I am also very good friends with her boyfriend and want to maintain a good friendship with him (and so does she).
Maybe I should also clarify what I mean by pseudo-romantic. A lot of people mistake us for a couple just because of how we act around each other: cuddling, holding hands, etc. This has never bothered the boyfriend because that is just how she treats all of her close friends. However, it goes a little beyond that. Her and I go on pseudo-dates a lot. If she can't hang out with her boyfriend one night she'll call me up instead and we'll go to a movie or dinner or whatever. This has also never bothered him. It's not like we've been doing this behind his back or anything.
One of my close female friends who I've always had a pseudo-romantic relationship with just told me she is going to be breaking up with her boyfriend of close to a year soon. I met her last year and very quickly became smitten with her, and ended up asking her out just a couple of days after she starting dating this boyfriend. At the time, she said she totally would have dated me, I just had poor timing. Her relationship with him was never terribly strong; they fought a lot and she'd confide in me, and she has told a mutual close friend of ours "I wish I had dated dwarffortressland instead" (and that close friend then told me that she said that). She is breaking up with him because their relationship has fallen into indifference. She just isn't into him anymore. She is worried about his reaction because he has a bad temper. This was also her first relationship.
I definitely plan on asking her out again, and I'm almost certain she'll say yes. The question is, how long should I wait? I've read enough girl threads in here that there it's a bad idea to ask a girl out immediately after she gets out of a relationship. I'm not in any terrible hurry. I should also mention that there are a LOT of other guys who want to date her, and I know she is bad at saying no to things (which is why she has stayed in this relationship so long). Extra difficulty: I am also very good friends with her boyfriend and want to maintain a good friendship with him (and so does she).
Maybe I should also clarify what I mean by pseudo-romantic. A lot of people mistake us for a couple just because of how we act around each other: cuddling, holding hands, etc. This has never bothered the boyfriend because that is just how she treats all of her close friends. However, it goes a little beyond that. Her and I go on pseudo-dates a lot. If she can't hang out with her boyfriend one night she'll call me up instead and we'll go to a movie or dinner or whatever. This has also never bothered him. It's not like we've been doing this behind his back or anything.
dwarffortressland on
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I'd say just continue on your normal path for a while and if you guys have the chemistry you say you do, then it will probably just happen naturally.
Oh and I'd probably mention to your friend before you ask out his ex. You don't have to but I think it might just be fair to give the guy a slight warning before you start dating his ex. As I said you don't have to as he doesn't own her or anything, I just think it would be polite.
Regardless, you need to ask him before you ask her, just out of respect for him and his feelings. If he dumped her, this would be easier. But, as it stands, he's going to have hurt feelings. He may blame you as being the "reason" for them breaking up. And this only gets messier because you guys are roommates.
In terms of timing, you'll have to gauge how they're feeling. I say wait until they're not so bummed out about it. I wouldn't worry about other guys pouncing on her. You've made it clear to her that you're interested. If she has that tough a time saying no to other guys for the next few weeks, that's really unfortunate. To me, that says something about her personality. Whether that bothers you or not, up to you.
IMHO, I say back off, find someone else. If you're willing to deal with the drama and shit storm (and there undoubtedly will be), wait until they're both not as upset about the breakup. And clear it with the boyfriend first.
Damn. Except for that bit, i'd have actually advised moving swiftly and asking her out sooner rather than later. But... staying friends with the soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend after that is NOT going to be easy. For you OR her.
I think you have a choice to make. Ask her out very quickly after she's broken up with the guy, and just accept you're going to piss him off, or accept that you may miss your opportunity to go out with her ever. If you decide she's worth going after (and it sounds like you think she is) then i'd ask her out pretty quickly. If she isnt ready, she will tell you. Dont assume she wont be ready, she might have been thinking about ending the relationship for quite a while and already gone through the emotionally rough bit, that happens quite often.
That's a good point that if she isn't ready then she will tell me. When I originally asked her out it didn't burn any bridges between us and it wasn't awkward at all. We could date secretly for awhile if necessary; she was actually dating her boyfriend in secret for several months before they made it public.
I should also say that there several details I'm withholding because I wish to remain anonymous (which I have good reason to be) but I'll try to account for them on my own. I don't think they are terribly important, but the trend with girl threads on this forum seems to be to give every tiny detail, which is why I mention it.
I'm not familiiar with the whole, 'ask the ex before you date the girl' thing, perhaps that is how it is done. Personally, I leave personal decisions up to the person, and leave the 'learning how to deal' decisions up to the guy who's going to have to learn how to deal.
Also, you may want to think of being friends with everybody as the ideal situation, and what you would prefer if you had had to make a choice. This 'friends with everyone after' idea smacks very much of noob, and although you might last a few days/weeks/months that way, things are likely to deteriotate. Not always, but usually. Choosing now (although perhaps not moving on that choice until one is forced) makes the politics that much clearer moving forward.
Basically my girl, whom I have been smitten with for about 9 months just ended a long term relationship. We've always been good friends, but even during our friendship i never crossed over into girltalk or close confidant, I liked her too much and that wouldn't be fair to me. But when it ended I started hanging out with her more, I turned up the flirting a notch about three weeks after she started socializing again (give her time to grieve for the relationship, even if she is the one ending it).
Then we started hanging out one on one, a game of scrabble here, a movie there, I taught her firearm safety etc., then I made a move. Basically this needs to be a slow process. It should be devoid of rebound notions too. In the time you court her be mindful of her feelings but try not to be a relationship coach (this is bad, you want to be in a relationship with her, not coach her back into this one, or into another one. It is also bad because she'll remember your coaching and you'll make mistakes in the relationship, as everyone does.) Be her friend, but try to steer the friendship into comfortable one on one situations that get more and more comfortable, then ask her out, let her know how you feel.
A safe bet would be to wait until the relationship is cemented to let her know you've carried a torch for her. In six weeks she'll think it was sweet that you cared for her and committed real effort to dating her, but on the second date, it comes off as creepy even though it is no less true.
I hope this advice made sense. Good luck.
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as for the ex-boyfriend, friend to you thing, be a gentleman. Let him know that he's a good friend to you but you have unavoidable feelings for this girl. Let him be angy and unreasonable but stay calm, say you wish things were different if he gets mad, ultimately he'll probably be your friend. But if he doesn't ask yourself if you'd rather be friends with him or enter into a potentially positive and (who knows?) life changing relationship with this girl.
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