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How do I do this? (Marriage/Relationship)

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Posts

  • ceresceres Just your problem OoSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited October 2010
    You need to get her counceling and some little part time job or some little hobby, volantary or charity work would be great because it would give her a sense of self worth and makeing a differance. its a self confedence problem. She doesnt need you to continue allowing her to under achieve make her go out and earn her keep a bit or atleast stop doing her spoilt brat student bit. Raise your expectations of her in general she needs the motivation. But she needs psychological support besides you send her to see a psychologist

    This makes me think that you didn't really read the OP and haven't read any of the rest of the thread and therefore don't know what the actual problem is. Please do not post in threads where you haven't at least read the entire OP.

    I've got my own life and I've got my own plans
    I hope you understand, and like the way that I am
  • NeylaNeyla Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    Just wanted to wish you the best of luck WildEEP, and echo some of the advice already given.

    Document everything (especially a police report of some sort in regards to her punching you), just in case therapy does not work and if she gets physical again. Plan for the worst. If she has been manipulating she may try again when and if the time comes to go your seperate ways. I wish i had when my marriage was no longer salvagable.

    It's never easy, but it sounds like you have a great bunch of friends to help support you emotionally as well :) again good luck to you.

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  • 3drage3drage Registered User
    edited October 2010
    WildEEP, you aren't any less a man for getting hit that's one thing you'll have to cope with. If anything you are more a man for not hitting her back in defense. Take care of yourself and keep in mind that you did nothing wrong in the encounter and be careful with your interactions with her. Good luck, my thoughts are with you.

  • WybornWyborn GET EQUIPPED Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    My first reaction, I'm not going to lie, was "RUN! RUN, MOTHER FUCKER, RUUUUUUUUUUUUN!"

    That's not helpful, though, so I want to say this:

    You have no obligations to this woman except for those that you impose upon yourself. You are in an abusive relationship where your own perspective on the benefits you gain from her companionship are badly skewed. You have to ask yourself hard questions, and unless I've missed something enormous I don't think you're getting benefits from this relationship that come anywhere close to the toll it's taking on you and on the rest of your life.

    When it comes to abuse, I tell everyone the same thing: leave. Leave. Get the fuck out! You are not responsible for anyone, regardless of their relation to you, once a relationship becomes abusive. Do not go to counciling with her so long as you live with her. Do not try to talk things out with her so long as you live with her. Do not put yourself in a position where you can be manipulated, and bullied, and cajoled - because that's what's happening here, it's written all over the way you write.

    There's no shame in being abused, not for a woman or for a man, but you have to get the fuck out. You think that would hurt her? Not your problem. Not your problem. Her depression is not your problem, her family is not your problem, her financial situation is not your problem, nothing about her situation is your problem except for the parts that behove you to leave her and leave her right now.

    Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. You haven't got any responsibilities where she's concerned. Those responsibilities were forfeited when she hit you, when she admitted to wanting to control you, when she tried to keep you from your friends. Get out.

    If you leave now, you're a man who experienced abuse and knew when to run. If you stay, you're allowing yourself to be a victim.

    Get out.

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  • SilverWindSilverWind Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    I'm going to echo the "get out." Work towards that--I mean, still go to counselling to get a handle on everything, but then start taking steps to get separated.

    To me, the most damning thing about it is her awareness that she's doing things to you for control, and her utter lack of regret on this matter. She knows she's cutting your friends out of your life and preventing you from so much as buying a Snickers. And then she's not feeling bad about it. She feels it's justified--that's not someone who wants to change. That's not someone, frankly, who I think is capable of change.

    Please don't be ashamed. This happens to the best of people. Kudos for you for spotting it now, and taking action.

    3DS: 0473-7774-3652
  • tvethiopiatvethiopia Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    this is an abusive situation. while the fact that it has escalated to physical abuse is alarming, it's the emotional and psychological abuse that can have the most damaging effects. as you said yourself, it wasn't the punch as much as the way she looked when she did it, the feeling behind it. i agree that you should file a report with the police, but if you don't feel comfortable with that or if you don't think you are getting the support you need, i STRONGLY suggest you call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). they can help you find local resources and advocates that can help you with whatever you need, including legal advocacy. it's especially important for a man in this situation to have all the advocates he can. people can be blinded by social stereotypes, and it could be hard for you to get a fair shake without someone who knows the system on your side. i have a friend who is a social worker in a domestic violence shelter and i can tell you there are all kinds of resources available to you, if you can just have the courage to ask. it's going to be hard, unfortunately harder because of your gender, but being aware of it and talking about it are important first steps. on the positive side, you're lucky you started this process while you still have a support system. don't worry that she doesn't have one; it's just part of her manipulation, she has to deal with the consequences of her own actions. take care of yourself now.

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  • WildEEPWildEEP Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    Back from my first session - it ran long.

    That was harder than I'd thought it would be.
    Keeping it together took alot of effort.

    Shrink agrees that we both need sessions, but she broke down the group session and seperation talk together.
    She says that once its gotten to domestic violence, then there is no real option other than seperation...but that people misunderstand the reasons for seperating. Often times its viewed as a punishment by one or the other, or that it automatically means that divorce is to follow.

    Actually its because you're both sick..and if you stay together, you're just going to make yourselves/each other sicker. In domestic violence cases, this means worse abuse - trips to hospital, jails, or even the morgue.
    She said that seperation forces you to get out of the business of focusing and servicing your mate, and focusing on yourself instead. That first we have to re-learn how to be individuals before we can even start on being a couple.

    It made a lot of sense..but it was still hard to hear.
    I really do love her you guys...I'd give anything to make this all better, but theres nothing I can do about it and i feel so damn useless. Little ideas set my eyes watering...like not being able to hold her hand or put my arms around her. I'll miss holding her, seeing her smile and laugh.

    I dont know how I'm gonna make it through this.

  • ThomamelasThomamelas “Three films a day, three books a week and records of great music would be enough to make me happy to the day I die.” Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    WildEEP wrote: »
    Back from my first session - it ran long.

    That was harder than I'd thought it would be.
    Keeping it together took alot of effort.

    Shrink agrees that we both need sessions, but she broke down the group session and seperation talk together.
    She says that once its gotten to domestic violence, then there is no real option other than seperation...but that people misunderstand the reasons for seperating. Often times its viewed as a punishment by one or the other, or that it automatically means that divorce is to follow.

    Actually its because you're both sick..and if you stay together, you're just going to make yourselves/each other sicker. In domestic violence cases, this means worse abuse - trips to hospital, jails, or even the morgue.
    She said that seperation forces you to get out of the business of focusing and servicing your mate, and focusing on yourself instead. That first we have to re-learn how to be individuals before we can even start on being a couple.

    It made a lot of sense..but it was still hard to hear.
    I really do love her you guys...I'd give anything to make this all better, but theres nothing I can do about it and i feel so damn useless. Little ideas set my eyes watering...like not being able to hold her hand or put my arms around her. I'll miss holding her, seeing her smile and laugh.

    I dont know how I'm gonna make it through this.

    Yes, you wouldn't have been with her if you didn't care about her and if you didn't love her. But that doesn't mean that the good aspects out weigh the bad aspects of it. If you stay together the violence will get worse. And if you think the feeling of shame when you talk to your therapist, the shame of knowing that the ER Doc knows you're fucking lieing them is worse.

  • ceresceres Just your problem OoSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited October 2010
    Hey, for what it's worth, without going into details my dad was a very, very angry and depressive person when I was younger. When I was in 4th grade, my mom couldn't take it anymore, and they separated. He got help, my mom went to therapy, and about a year later they got back together. They are still together, he is on good medication, and they're doing really well. They've been married almost 30 years.

    It hurts now, but it's not over yet, and my parents are a solid example of separation actually strengthening commitment while one or both parties gets the help they need. It can happen.

    I've got my own life and I've got my own plans
    I hope you understand, and like the way that I am
  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited October 2010
    I realize that right now it seems like you can't make it through this because you keep coming back to how much you love her, but you have to remind yourself that you love a woman that's abusing you. Until that gets sorted out (and you have to accept the possibility it may never be, depending on how willing she is work through this) you can not afford to think in terms of how much you love her and want to be with her. Keep reminding yourself that the feelings you have for her right now are irrelevant as long as she can't treat you with the respect and care that you deserve.

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  • KalTorakKalTorak Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    Also keep reminding yourself that a lot of people don't make it to the point you've gotten to. You are on the right track, you are doing the right thing - it's hard, but it's one of the most valuable things you can do.

  • Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    Stick with it WildEEP, hopefully things work out for you.

  • JihadJesusJihadJesus Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    These threads always make me so damn sad. I'm glad you're getting help; it may not be possible to save the relationship, and most people here will probably say that trying it futile, but if it's something you need to do I'm glad you're going about it carefully.

    I don't really have sympathy for the abusers, but I can empathize a bit. It must really, really suck to have such horrible personal issues that they get expressed by hurting the people closest. It's too bad those issues are so rarely fixed, or even fixable.

    Good luck EEP. Hope it works out for the best for you, however that happens.

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  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    Well OP, the important thing to remember here is you made the first step. You faced the problem and said I'm going to do something about this. Regardless of whatever happens in the future, you've already accomplished one of the harder parts of fixing this, and that's making that initial step. And don't forget that.

    It sounds like it was a good session, there are obviously going to be regrets, and I can commiserate with your feelings of future loss and so on, but the important thing right now is to concentrate on the problems of today and try your best not to fixate on future ones.

  • Susan DelgadoSusan Delgado Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    Good for you on following through with going to your therapy. It really is a step in the right direction. And like others said, just because you spend some time apart doesn't mean it's going to necessarily end the relationship.

    Your marriage is a partnership, and she's gotta be an equal part of this. You moving out or living separately along with the therapy is doing your part and her getting help and actually making changes...healthy changes...is hers. You've got to both be in this 100% or it's just not going to work, no matter how much you love her.

    Be strong, be supportive (but not to the point of being her doormat or her punching bag), and be good to yourself.

    I really hope things get better for you.

    Go then, there are other worlds than these.
  • 3drage3drage Registered User
    edited October 2010
    WildEEP wrote: »

    I dont know how I'm gonna make it through this.

    One day at a time, lots of self inflection and growth, and a support group.

    When I split with my ex, it first felt like the end of the world. The longer we were separated the more of an individual I felt. I started doing things I loved to do that I had quit because she wasn't involved in them. I got closer to my family, started becoming creative again. Slowly you will become your own person again and that freedom will outweigh the small parts of happiness your previous relationship brought in your life.

    It's a beautiful thing when you start to get your confidence back and live life on your terms without having to worry about someone trying to make your life miserable. Good luck and welcome to your new life.

  • GoodKingJayIIIGoodKingJayIII Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    Lots of good advice, I'm not sure I can add a whole lot new. But I did want to come just offer my support and empathy in some way.

    I think loving someone also involves discovering that they are not perfect, and that they are human beings with their own misgivings and problems. We're all capable of really horrible, terrible shit, because everyone carries around baggage.

    I think you are taking the right steps to address some of your issues. Now she has to take steps to address hers. It's not your job to fix her; you couldn't even if you tried. She is the only one capable of taking those steps, and as difficult as it may be, it's important to remember that your ability to do so does not exist. Your relationship is actually a crutch for her; she has to figure out how to stand on her own feet.

    But I think the separate advice you've gotten here and from your psych is good. And I think it's good that you are giving her a chance. But be careful. She has shown herself to be both emotionally and physically abusive. That kind of behavior is really, really difficult to reform--especially because she's the only one who can change it. As much as you love her, you should not subject yourself to such behavior.

    Good luck and be well. It is an awful situation, but it is not the end. You have your life. You have your good friends who care about you. You can get through this, hour by hour, day by day. It'll be ok.

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