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help me not fuck this up

Raiden333Raiden333 Registered User regular
edited April 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
Ok, first some background. Turn 22 next month, about to graduate from college, and I haven't had an actual relationship since high school, and haven't had a date since my summer after freshman year. I'm a pretty shy person with a lot of hobbies that don't promote being social, so I don't meet a lot of people... And the few girls I have met over the years are inevitably in long term relationships.

Anyway, towards the beginning of this quarter, I was doing homework for one of my classes in the hall and this cute girl sat next to me. After a few minutes she started talking to me, she recognized me from a class we had together last quarter. We really hit it off, and traded phone numbers. She actually asked for my number first. We went out for coffee after class the next week and had a great conversation.

After that we weren't able to get in touch with each other for a week due to canceled classes and missed text messages and such, but we had a our first "real" date tonight. The movie we were going to see was dropped from theaters that morning, so instead we went out to sushi for dinner. After sushi, she invited me back to her house, where we knocked back a few beers, talked movies and music, and played chess. She kicked my ass. I don't want to sound full of myself, but to me beating me at chess is A Big Deal, and now I'm practically swooning. I really enjoyed spending time with her, and the feeling seemed mutual.

Anyway, the help and advice part. I might be overly paranoid, I mean it was only my 2nd date with her, but I'm worried she's not as interested as I am. At one point she got a phone call during our chess game and mentioned she was hanging out with "her friend" before hanging up. And at the end of the night when I left, I was going to kiss her goodnight but she pre-empted me and went for the hug and backed off. Should I be worried, or should I wait until later before I jump to conclusions?

Also, I want opinions on my idea for a second date. She loves the Coen brothers, but has never seen The Big Lebowski and wants to see it soon. I figured I'd offer to bring over the DVD, the stuff to make white russians, and a couple doobies (I already know she smokes pot occasionally). Does this seem cool, or like I'm trying too hard to be cool?

sorry if this seems really simple and I'm just overanalyzing. As I implied in the title, I really don't want to fuck this up, this girl is awesome.

Raiden333 on
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Posts

  • NappuccinoNappuccino Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Well, even if a girl is having a grand old time with you, that doesn't mean she'll kiss you on the first date ;) It all depends on the type of girl she is.

    I really understand the paranoid feeling though, but its something that you'll need to keep at bay. Even if she isn't as interested as you are at this moment, that doesn't mean that won't change over the course of the next few weeks/months. If she wants to keep going out with you, that's a good sign :)

    From the girls I know (sane ones, anyway), they have a kind of build-up over time of emotion/ seriousness. It isn't an all at once the floodgates open, "lets get married tonight!" style event.

    Just keep being you- that seems to be what she likes, and see where it goes from there.

    Best of luck

    (edit: just so you know i'm not a very experienced person in this area... I'm pretty sure you'll get better advice from others, this is just how I see things :)

    Like to write? Want to get e-published? Give us a look-see at http://wednesdaynightwrites.com/
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  • TheExAmTheExAm Gerrymandered your districts Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Well, I think this is as good a time as any to make my first post.

    As your real life friend I advise you not to fucking worry about it. The more you worry, the worse off you'll be. Just leaving this here so you'll see it every time you check this thread. On the first couple dates, you are her friend. So take a chill pill and go with the flow. Do what feels right.

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  • MrIamMeMrIamMe Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Also - she may smoke pot occassionally, but if you go bringing it over on the 2nd date shes going to think you are a pot head.

  • NappuccinoNappuccino Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    MrIamMe wrote: »
    Also - she may smoke pot occassionally, but if you go bringing it over on the 2nd date shes going to think you are a pot head.

    Good catch on that one.

    Like to write? Want to get e-published? Give us a look-see at http://wednesdaynightwrites.com/
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  • mooshoeporkmooshoepork Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Do not bring weed


    Someone lime me.

  • rfaliasrfalias Registered User
    edited April 2009
    Do not bring weed.

    Yeah, you may know she smokes sometime buuuutt...

    Stick to just white russians.
    Just keep doing what you are doing. She just said "friend" on the phone because that was the only option there is. You aren't really going out exclusively yet, so she obviously couldn't say boyfriend, so what else is there?

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  • MrIamMeMrIamMe Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Could be really confusing - be an Aussie with an American "Yeah Im here with a mate"

    Mate apparently means something different in the US, here its a word for a friend.

  • TinuzTinuz Registered User
    edited April 2009
    Raiden333 wrote: »
    sorry if this seems really simple and I'm just overanalyzing. As I implied in the title, I really don't want to fuck this up, this girl is awesome.

    Very clever of you! Stop thinking!

    I do exactly the same, I want to not fuck things up, have everything planned out so I end up thinking too much and doing too little (That has cost me 'a lot' more then once). Also, it breeds the paranoia you mentioned, and that is very bad.

    I agree with most of the posters that there is no lack in speed based on what you have said. However, in my experience you should make it relatively clear to her, in the beginning, what you want out of this, or what you think you want. I recently failed to do this, thinking it would sort itself out and, well, missed out.

    Also, take it from a Dutchman, sharing weed is not something you do on a second date...or third, fourth or whatever. Wait till you know her and the 'confusion' is sorted out and the both of you are completely at ease around each other.

    Quelreth wrote:
    .....when you made it sound like turning on a blacklight in your room would be like setting off a flashbang.
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    If you are worried that kissing her would be too forward, say something first, like "I'd love to kiss you now". If she says yes, great, if she says no, you know that she is not all that into you. Clarity is wonderful. 3rd date is not too soon to kiss!

  • admanbadmanb the bored genie Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited April 2009
    If she's still behaving like this weeks and multiple dates from now, you have a problem. But now? Don't worry about it.

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  • LailLail Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Ok, bringing over The Big Lebowski and the stuff to make white russions is a great idea. As was said and limed, leave the weed at home. The movie and drinks should equal a good time.

    About calling you "her friend"...what do you think she should've said? She could've said that she was on a date or something, but really, you're making a big deal out of nothing.

    As for the kiss, again, like someone said, not all girls want to play kissy face right away. Give it time. Also, you assume she knows what she's doing. She could be just as nervous, or more, and just went for the safe route with the hug.

    Give it time. Have fun with it. Be yourself. If you find yourself freaking out about something little she said or did, just remind yourself that not everything a girl does has some hidden meaning behind it.

  • vonPoonBurGervonPoonBurGer Registered User
    edited April 2009
    Lail wrote: »
    Ok, bringing over The Big Lebowski and the stuff to make white russions is a great idea. As was said and limed, leave the weed at home. The movie and drinks should equal a good time.
    If you have a bowling alley nearby, throwin' a few rocks before or after the movie can also be a solid part of the theme experience.

    Xbox Live:vonPoon | PSN: vonPoon | Steam: vonPoonBurGer
  • starmanbrandstarmanbrand Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Has anyone here had success with Big Lebowski as being an early date movie? It just doesn't seem like it would fit the bill to me. It's hilarious, but not in a...OMGHAHA kind of way. It's funny in a way that the more you watch it, the more there is to appreciate and find hilarious.

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  • DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited April 2009
    If you are worried that kissing her would be too forward, say something first, like "I'd love to kiss you now". If she says yes, great, if she says no, you know that she is not all that into you. Clarity is wonderful. 3rd date is not too soon to kiss!

    do not want
    Has anyone here had success with Big Lebowski as being an early date movie? It just doesn't seem like it would fit the bill to me. It's hilarious, but not in a...OMGHAHA kind of way. It's funny in a way that the more you watch it, the more there is to appreciate and find hilarious.

    It would be fine, especially since she has expressed interest in seeing it with him.

  • Raiden333Raiden333 Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Just want to say thanks for all the advice everyone. I'm a lot less worried after sleeping on it, too.

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  • TheExAmTheExAm Gerrymandered your districts Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Sleeping on it always helps. always.

    6Jx6HOg.png
    BF3/PS2/MWO/Hawken: CabbageOfDiscord | Minecraft: BrotherCabbage
  • SkyGheNeSkyGheNe Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Oh god, don't ask her if you can kiss her. That is tacky as all hell.

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  • Raiden333Raiden333 Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I never planned on asking, no worries there.

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  • ThylacineThylacine Registered User
    edited April 2009
    I'd like to chime in saying not to worry she just said she was "hanging out with a friend". I really can't think of anything else she could say "Hanging out with this guy I know" would've probably been more insulting(you're not even a friend, you're just "this guy??"), hanging out with my boyfriend would've been creepy.

    Don't worry about the no kiss thing yet. I've had a LOT of friends who fall in love really fast and get head over heels crazy about people quickly. Sad thing is they fall out of love just as fast and back in love with other people just like them. So it's this gross(in my opinion) cycle of really fast intense relationships that burn out fast. I still love my friends, but I personally couldn't put myself on that kind of emotional rollercoaster to use a cliche term.

    People who take their time to evaluate relationships before they get into them, typically know they want to be there. It's a slow build to something with deeper meaning an attachment but it's more solid once it's there. I know this is a quick and dirty analogy of relationships, but I've found it to be generally true in most cases. Maybe it's because I'm one of of those slow builders...and I'm kind of cautious about people who can fall in and out of love so quickly when it came to my own relationships.

  • NarianNarian Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    She sat next to you and then gave you her phone number before you did.

    This would indicate to me that she is most definitely interested in you.

    If not this then the fact that you're going on a second date sort of seals the deal. Good luck!

    Narian.gif
  • DockenDocken Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Raiden333 wrote: »
    I never planned on asking, no worries there.

    Sounds like you first date went well.

    Movie idea sounds good.

    Do not bring pot. Hahaha are you serious on a second date?

    I think the important thing to remember about relationships (of all stripes) is that its not a race to experience every awesome thing you could do with each other (:winky:) right the fuck now.

    Just chill, it'll happen if its supposed to.

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  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    SkyGheNe wrote: »
    Oh god, don't ask her if you can kiss her. That is tacky as all hell.

    Is it? YMMV. I'd call it polite, especially where there is some doubt over what the girl wants. Better than leaning in and getting a dodge.

  • NappuccinoNappuccino Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Maybe whisper it sexily into her ear [/harlequin novel]

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  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    SkyGheNe wrote: »
    Oh god, don't ask her if you can kiss her. That is tacky as all hell.

    Is it? YMMV. I'd call it polite, especially where there is some doubt over what the girl wants. Better than leaning in and getting a dodge.

    Much like wearing underwear with your name written inside the waistband, this is one of those things you should relegate to the days when you needed your mom to pack your lunch for you. Just sayin'. Go for the 90% lean in thing and let her decide whether or not she'd like to come the last 10% to you. It isn't too pushy as to not let her say "no," but it also doesn't communicate that you're not confident enough to think she'd want to kiss you.

  • DockenDocken Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    SkyGheNe wrote: »
    Oh god, don't ask her if you can kiss her. That is tacky as all hell.

    Is it? YMMV. I'd call it polite, especially where there is some doubt over what the girl wants. Better than leaning in and getting a dodge.

    I think the first rule of dating is that you never voice what you can communicate through body language and touch.

    A very basic example; wondering if she is interested? Then when you are next to her (talking, showing her something whatever) touch her arm softly (start at the elbow, or possibly the hand - whatever is easiest), she sould respond if she's interested - it might be subtle, but it'll be noticeable. A slight look whilst you are doing this is always a plus.

    There are myriad ways of expressing feeling through body language, all of them better than talking... at least in the early days of dating.

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  • NargorothRiPNargorothRiP Registered User
    edited April 2009
    a real quick and funny way to guage her humor and such is to bring over a hankerchief and ask her if it smells like chloroform to her. =p

  • ceresceres Just your problem OoSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited April 2009
    a real quick and funny way to guage her humor and such is to bring over a hankerchief and ask her if it smells like chloroform to her. =p
    Man I hope this is not serious.

    I also don't find it necessarily tacky to ask for a kiss. I do think it depends on your style and the confidence with which the question is asked, and if you don't think you can pull that off, don't do it.

    That said, my husband is a giant dork. One of my favorite memories from when I first started to date him was our first kiss:

    We'd been friends for several months. We were sitting on my bed getting ready to watch a movie as we'd done the previous night. We'd already been on a date or two, and I was getting... tense... so I said to him, "I'm not letting you start this movie till I get to kiss you..."

    And then Mr. Suave goes into this long-winded diatribe about how he hasn't kissed anybody in years, since he was like 11 years old, and he's going to be terrible at it until I finally said "OMG shut UP" and kissed him.

    ...

    So just remember, you can always do worse, and even if you do somebody will STILL probably marry you. ;)

    I've got my own life and I've got my own plans
    I hope you understand, and like the way that I am
  • The LandoStanderThe LandoStander Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I would add my voice to the chorus so to speak that is telling you not to worry! Just relax, do what you do (other than pot, that's a thing for many dates from now, unless you guys wind up at a party and it's a pass around sort of thing, even then I'd let her take it first just to be sure she's comfortable doing it with you around).

    You mentioned that you've had a bit of a dry spell in college, trust me that's not uncommon. I have a friend who from the age of 20 to 26 did not have a single date, ever. And out of our group of college friends he is the one who had the most stable job and all that jazz. I mean he worked at a home for troubled kids! That's one of those change the world angles that supposedly the ladies like. But he wound up meeting someone just recently and it turns out they're just about as good a fit as anyone can be! So don't worry about the dry spell that came before this.

    I think you should trust in your first impression of that date of yours and just ride it. Now, this isn't to say you should just throw yourself at her but just keep things easy, if you feel like you're having to try a whole lot, remember to just ease up a bit, maybe try and throw the reigns to her for ideas on what to do.

    Also I'm glad to hear that you aren't going to ask if it's OK to kiss her. It's one of those things that happens on it's own, just try not to go all kissy fish face on her when it does! And close your eyes, its creepy when someone looks at you while kissing.

    Maybe someday, they'll see a hero's just a man. Who knows he's free.
  • rfaliasrfalias Registered User
    edited April 2009
    I had a girl ask me once as well.
    It wasn't awkward at all or anything, but it can be very situational. Since you are on normal dates I wouldn't find it necessary. Just make a move, it's easier to do at the end of a date, so if it gets awkward you can just drive home!

    Also, it seems once you break the ice with the first kiss, everything becomes a whole hell of a lot easier.

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  • CheeriosCheerios Registered User
    edited April 2009
    Although its been said already, I need to reiterate the fact that you need to chill the fuck out. Just look at it this way, shes the one that sat beside you, started talking to you first, asked for your number, etc, which makes it pretty damn obvious that shes into you. Also, I would like to point out that that The Big Lebowski is one of the best date movies (along with Chasing Amy) because both sexes seem to unanimously enjoy it. Just lay off the pot, and stick with White Russians and you're guaranteed to have a good night. Trust me, Ive done this date, and I still have the Kahlua stains in mattress to prove its effectiveness. :P

    Also, I am firmly on the side of not asking her for a kiss. The first kiss makes a lasting impression, and if you ask her it will take away the spontaneity of the moment. On the other hand, if asks you (ala ceres), the only acceptable response is....the dude abides.

  • KhaczorKhaczor Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Cheerios wrote: »
    Although its been said already, I need to reiterate the fact that you need to chill the fuck out. Just look at it this way, shes the one that sat beside you, started talking to you first, asked for your number, etc, which makes it pretty damn obvious that shes into you. Also, I would like to point out that that The Big Lebowski is one of the best date movies (along with Chasing Amy) because both sexes seem to unanimously enjoy it. Just lay off the pot, and stick with White Russians and you're guaranteed to have a good night. Trust me, Ive done this date, and I still have the Kahlua stains in mattress to prove its effectiveness. :P

    Also, I am firmly on the side of not asking her for a kiss. The first kiss makes a lasting impression, and if you ask her it will take away the spontaneity of the moment. On the other hand, if asks you (ala ceres), the only acceptable response is....the dude abides.

    Yeah man. If you are both looking at each other and eye contact lasts for at least 3 seconds, you feel the energy charge between you, and you are thinking ... should I kiss her or not then just DO IT.

    If she shys away, then keep a smile on your face -- continue what you were doing and try again later.

  • MeizMeiz Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Things you can do to fuck this up:
    -Being overly friendly, as in into her. The fact that she's beaten you at chess and you think it's a big deal well, burry it. The second you fall at someone's feet is the second they realize that you're beneath them.
    -Asking permission for a kiss
    -Second guessing every little thing she says, as in overanalyzing the situation.

    What are you looking for in this girl exactly anyways?

    Has there been any physical contact between you two? Anything indicating her interest other then her asking for your number?

  • Naked-Celtic-LadyNaked-Celtic-Lady Registered User
    edited April 2009
    ceres wrote: »
    a real quick and funny way to guage her humor and such is to bring over a hankerchief and ask her if it smells like chloroform to her. =p
    Man I hope this is not serious.

    I also don't find it necessarily tacky to ask for a kiss. I do think it depends on your style and the confidence with which the question is asked, and if you don't think you can pull that off, don't do it.

    That said, my husband is a giant dork. One of my favorite memories from when I first started to date him was our first kiss:

    We'd been friends for several months. We were sitting on my bed getting ready to watch a movie as we'd done the previous night. We'd already been on a date or two, and I was getting... tense... so I said to him, "I'm not letting you start this movie till I get to kiss you..."

    And then Mr. Suave goes into this long-winded diatribe about how he hasn't kissed anybody in years, since he was like 11 years old, and he's going to be terrible at it until I finally said "OMG shut UP" and kissed him.

    ...

    So just remember, you can always do worse, and even if you do somebody will STILL probably marry you. ;)


    I'm not so sure about this, I think it really depends on how the line is delivered and what kind of guy you are. As I live in Australia, a few of my first kisses with guys have been initiated with a simple yet inticing "Come 'eeehr" - Now, I may be odd, but I think the casual approach generally works.

    If you build to much hype with 'Give me a kiss to build a dream on' I'm pretty sure noones going to get anywhere.

    Then again, that's just me :P

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    True first kiss story: Mrs. SammyF and I were at a happy hour in a relatively upscale bar in NW Washington DC. It was the second time we'd met; two weeks beforehand I'd met her at another happy hour, asked for her number and called to schedule a date (which for a lot of reasons was more than two weeks later on a Sunday) but we didn't want to wait if we could help it, and we realized we were both free on the Thursday before our date, so we ended up at this crowded bar.

    I'm sitting in a comfy armed chair in a lounge section of the bar; she's sitting in my lap. We're surrounded by people we don't know but talking quietly together like we're completely alone, sipping overpriced martinis and eyeing one another conspiratorally, like we know something no one else knows, until a girl a table a way finally got exasperated with our supposedly-sly flirtations and called loudly over to us: "Will you please just kiss her already? What in the hell are you waiting for?"

    The missus blushes and looks away with a coy smile, but I figured this other person had a point, so I gently pull her chin around to face me and brush my lips against hers softly. "Oh? Oh! Hi there," she mumbled as she kissed me back.

    The other patrons in our section of the bar broke out into cheers and applause; we broke out into fits of giggling.

    ***

    Lots of people spout off hard and fast rules about dating (I do, sometimes) but they're really more guidelines than anything else. Sometimes the best thing about the first kiss is how silly it seemed as a hurdle in retrospect--you build it up in your mind and worry about it and then it's over and you remember oh yeah, it's just a kiss. Why was I making such a big deal about one kiss? So I'd usually endorse the rule that you should try not to put too much emphasis on it and remember that it's not so monumental that you need to be awkward or concerned about it.

    Except sometimes it actually ends up being monumental enough that a room full of strangers will give you an ovation. 8-)

  • rfaliasrfalias Registered User
    edited April 2009
    Haha that is quite a tale. Must have been a fun night!

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  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Yeah. A few days later, we were very nearly thrown out of another bar on our first actual date -- the waitress got angry at us because we couldn't stop talking to one another long enough to bother opening the menu so we could figure out what we wanted to order to eat and drink. We're the sort of couple Match.com wishes they'd set up so that they could put us on a commercial to talk about their ridiculous 32 points of compatibility or whateverthefuck it is they do.

  • ShawnaseeShawnasee Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I met my wife in Iraq. She got off midshift (10hour shift) and went on "a date". Which included breakfast at the chow hall...I mean...dining facility, watching a few movies at the rec center, and then heading back to my tent vestibule to watch Shrek 2. 8 or 9 hours into this "date" and she says to me "are you ever going to kiss me?". I said something horribly corny (which she laughed at) and we kissed. Magic!

    I don't know why guys feel the need to be Rico Suave after we already KNOW that the chicks wants to kiss us (looking at you Mr. Ceres) but we always end up saying something dumb.

    Unless you're a complete dork, like I am, then you will see the signs. Act on them.

    Chanus wrote: »

    Your wang is a better man than you.
  • ceresceres Just your problem OoSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited April 2009
    SammyF wrote: »
    Lots of people spout off hard and fast rules about dating (I do, sometimes) but they're really more guidelines than anything else.

    Yarrr, it be the pirate's code of love, mate.


    Also I'm uh.. not a Mr. :oops: I'm the other one. But yeah, you can't get much smoother than my husband.

    Sometimes a good story is better than a perfect first kiss. :)

    I've got my own life and I've got my own plans
    I hope you understand, and like the way that I am
  • ShawnaseeShawnasee Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    ceres wrote: »
    SammyF wrote: »
    Lots of people spout off hard and fast rules about dating (I do, sometimes) but they're really more guidelines than anything else.

    Yarrr, it be the pirate's code of love, mate.


    Also I'm uh.. not a Mr. :oops: I'm the other one. But yeah, you can't get much smoother than my husband.

    Sometimes a good story is better than a perfect first kiss. :)

    I was actually directing that AT your husband. :lol:

    And my wife LOVES to tell that story...over and over and over...

    Chanus wrote: »

    Your wang is a better man than you.
  • EeveelutionEeveelution Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Don't worry.

    My fiance, and soon to be wife in 45 days, made the first move on me. Just be yourself, and don't bring weed, unless she suggests it. (She may have smoked before to just fit in). But either way, just be yourself, and don't worry about overdoing it. Worst case scenario, ASK QUESTIONS!

    Sometimes actually verbalizing something can help your cause.

    Analogy time:

    Asking a question when your unsure usually can save your ass from making an ass of yourself. It is a lot like having a deadly rash, but not doing anything about it; when instead you could have gone to the doctor from the start and streamlined the healing process.

    PS3 Tag: cryptzicle Cryptzicle the DK
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