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help me not fuck this up
Raiden333
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Ok, first some background. Turn 22 next month, about to graduate from college, and I haven't had an actual relationship since high school, and haven't had a date since my summer after freshman year. I'm a pretty shy person with a lot of hobbies that don't promote being social, so I don't meet a lot of people... And the few girls I have met over the years are inevitably in long term relationships.
Anyway, towards the beginning of this quarter, I was doing homework for one of my classes in the hall and this cute girl sat next to me. After a few minutes she started talking to me, she recognized me from a class we had together last quarter. We really hit it off, and traded phone numbers. She actually asked for my number first. We went out for coffee after class the next week and had a great conversation.
After that we weren't able to get in touch with each other for a week due to canceled classes and missed text messages and such, but we had a our first "real" date tonight. The movie we were going to see was dropped from theaters that morning, so instead we went out to sushi for dinner. After sushi, she invited me back to her house, where we knocked back a few beers, talked movies and music, and played chess. She kicked my ass. I don't want to sound full of myself, but to me beating me at chess is A Big Deal, and now I'm practically swooning. I really enjoyed spending time with her, and the feeling seemed mutual.
Anyway, the help and advice part. I might be overly paranoid, I mean it was only my 2nd date with her, but I'm worried she's not as interested as I am. At one point she got a phone call during our chess game and mentioned she was hanging out with "her friend" before hanging up. And at the end of the night when I left, I was going to kiss her goodnight but she pre-empted me and went for the hug and backed off. Should I be worried, or should I wait until later before I jump to conclusions?
Also, I want opinions on my idea for a second date. She loves the Coen brothers, but has never seen The Big Lebowski and wants to see it soon. I figured I'd offer to bring over the DVD, the stuff to make white russians, and a couple doobies (I already know she smokes pot occasionally). Does this seem cool, or like I'm trying too hard to be cool?
sorry if this seems really simple and I'm just overanalyzing. As I implied in the title, I really don't want to fuck this up, this girl is awesome.
Anyway, towards the beginning of this quarter, I was doing homework for one of my classes in the hall and this cute girl sat next to me. After a few minutes she started talking to me, she recognized me from a class we had together last quarter. We really hit it off, and traded phone numbers. She actually asked for my number first. We went out for coffee after class the next week and had a great conversation.
After that we weren't able to get in touch with each other for a week due to canceled classes and missed text messages and such, but we had a our first "real" date tonight. The movie we were going to see was dropped from theaters that morning, so instead we went out to sushi for dinner. After sushi, she invited me back to her house, where we knocked back a few beers, talked movies and music, and played chess. She kicked my ass. I don't want to sound full of myself, but to me beating me at chess is A Big Deal, and now I'm practically swooning. I really enjoyed spending time with her, and the feeling seemed mutual.
Anyway, the help and advice part. I might be overly paranoid, I mean it was only my 2nd date with her, but I'm worried she's not as interested as I am. At one point she got a phone call during our chess game and mentioned she was hanging out with "her friend" before hanging up. And at the end of the night when I left, I was going to kiss her goodnight but she pre-empted me and went for the hug and backed off. Should I be worried, or should I wait until later before I jump to conclusions?
Also, I want opinions on my idea for a second date. She loves the Coen brothers, but has never seen The Big Lebowski and wants to see it soon. I figured I'd offer to bring over the DVD, the stuff to make white russians, and a couple doobies (I already know she smokes pot occasionally). Does this seem cool, or like I'm trying too hard to be cool?
sorry if this seems really simple and I'm just overanalyzing. As I implied in the title, I really don't want to fuck this up, this girl is awesome.
Raiden333 on
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I really understand the paranoid feeling though, but its something that you'll need to keep at bay. Even if she isn't as interested as you are at this moment, that doesn't mean that won't change over the course of the next few weeks/months. If she wants to keep going out with you, that's a good sign
From the girls I know (sane ones, anyway), they have a kind of build-up over time of emotion/ seriousness. It isn't an all at once the floodgates open, "lets get married tonight!" style event.
Just keep being you- that seems to be what she likes, and see where it goes from there.
Best of luck
(edit: just so you know i'm not a very experienced person in this area... I'm pretty sure you'll get better advice from others, this is just how I see things
As your real life friend I advise you not to fucking worry about it. The more you worry, the worse off you'll be. Just leaving this here so you'll see it every time you check this thread. On the first couple dates, you are her friend. So take a chill pill and go with the flow. Do what feels right.
Battlemans: DiscoCabbage | Elite: Dangerous: Aleksandr Khabaj
Good catch on that one.
Someone lime me.
Yeah, you may know she smokes sometime buuuutt...
Stick to just white russians.
Just keep doing what you are doing. She just said "friend" on the phone because that was the only option there is. You aren't really going out exclusively yet, so she obviously couldn't say boyfriend, so what else is there?
Mate apparently means something different in the US, here its a word for a friend.
Very clever of you! Stop thinking!
I do exactly the same, I want to not fuck things up, have everything planned out so I end up thinking too much and doing too little (That has cost me 'a lot' more then once). Also, it breeds the paranoia you mentioned, and that is very bad.
I agree with most of the posters that there is no lack in speed based on what you have said. However, in my experience you should make it relatively clear to her, in the beginning, what you want out of this, or what you think you want. I recently failed to do this, thinking it would sort itself out and, well, missed out.
Also, take it from a Dutchman, sharing weed is not something you do on a second date...or third, fourth or whatever. Wait till you know her and the 'confusion' is sorted out and the both of you are completely at ease around each other.
About calling you "her friend"...what do you think she should've said? She could've said that she was on a date or something, but really, you're making a big deal out of nothing.
As for the kiss, again, like someone said, not all girls want to play kissy face right away. Give it time. Also, you assume she knows what she's doing. She could be just as nervous, or more, and just went for the safe route with the hug.
Give it time. Have fun with it. Be yourself. If you find yourself freaking out about something little she said or did, just remind yourself that not everything a girl does has some hidden meaning behind it.
do not want
It would be fine, especially since she has expressed interest in seeing it with him.
Battlemans: DiscoCabbage | Elite: Dangerous: Aleksandr Khabaj
Don't worry about the no kiss thing yet. I've had a LOT of friends who fall in love really fast and get head over heels crazy about people quickly. Sad thing is they fall out of love just as fast and back in love with other people just like them. So it's this gross(in my opinion) cycle of really fast intense relationships that burn out fast. I still love my friends, but I personally couldn't put myself on that kind of emotional rollercoaster to use a cliche term.
People who take their time to evaluate relationships before they get into them, typically know they want to be there. It's a slow build to something with deeper meaning an attachment but it's more solid once it's there. I know this is a quick and dirty analogy of relationships, but I've found it to be generally true in most cases. Maybe it's because I'm one of of those slow builders...and I'm kind of cautious about people who can fall in and out of love so quickly when it came to my own relationships.
This would indicate to me that she is most definitely interested in you.
If not this then the fact that you're going on a second date sort of seals the deal. Good luck!
Sounds like you first date went well.
Movie idea sounds good.
Do not bring pot. Hahaha are you serious on a second date?
I think the important thing to remember about relationships (of all stripes) is that its not a race to experience every awesome thing you could do with each other (:winky:) right the fuck now.
Just chill, it'll happen if its supposed to.
Is it? YMMV. I'd call it polite, especially where there is some doubt over what the girl wants. Better than leaning in and getting a dodge.
Much like wearing underwear with your name written inside the waistband, this is one of those things you should relegate to the days when you needed your mom to pack your lunch for you. Just sayin'. Go for the 90% lean in thing and let her decide whether or not she'd like to come the last 10% to you. It isn't too pushy as to not let her say "no," but it also doesn't communicate that you're not confident enough to think she'd want to kiss you.
I think the first rule of dating is that you never voice what you can communicate through body language and touch.
A very basic example; wondering if she is interested? Then when you are next to her (talking, showing her something whatever) touch her arm softly (start at the elbow, or possibly the hand - whatever is easiest), she sould respond if she's interested - it might be subtle, but it'll be noticeable. A slight look whilst you are doing this is always a plus.
There are myriad ways of expressing feeling through body language, all of them better than talking... at least in the early days of dating.
I also don't find it necessarily tacky to ask for a kiss. I do think it depends on your style and the confidence with which the question is asked, and if you don't think you can pull that off, don't do it.
That said, my husband is a giant dork. One of my favorite memories from when I first started to date him was our first kiss:
We'd been friends for several months. We were sitting on my bed getting ready to watch a movie as we'd done the previous night. We'd already been on a date or two, and I was getting... tense... so I said to him, "I'm not letting you start this movie till I get to kiss you..."
And then Mr. Suave goes into this long-winded diatribe about how he hasn't kissed anybody in years, since he was like 11 years old, and he's going to be terrible at it until I finally said "OMG shut UP" and kissed him.
...
So just remember, you can always do worse, and even if you do somebody will STILL probably marry you.
You mentioned that you've had a bit of a dry spell in college, trust me that's not uncommon. I have a friend who from the age of 20 to 26 did not have a single date, ever. And out of our group of college friends he is the one who had the most stable job and all that jazz. I mean he worked at a home for troubled kids! That's one of those change the world angles that supposedly the ladies like. But he wound up meeting someone just recently and it turns out they're just about as good a fit as anyone can be! So don't worry about the dry spell that came before this.
I think you should trust in your first impression of that date of yours and just ride it. Now, this isn't to say you should just throw yourself at her but just keep things easy, if you feel like you're having to try a whole lot, remember to just ease up a bit, maybe try and throw the reigns to her for ideas on what to do.
Also I'm glad to hear that you aren't going to ask if it's OK to kiss her. It's one of those things that happens on it's own, just try not to go all kissy fish face on her when it does! And close your eyes, its creepy when someone looks at you while kissing.
It wasn't awkward at all or anything, but it can be very situational. Since you are on normal dates I wouldn't find it necessary. Just make a move, it's easier to do at the end of a date, so if it gets awkward you can just drive home!
Also, it seems once you break the ice with the first kiss, everything becomes a whole hell of a lot easier.
Also, I am firmly on the side of not asking her for a kiss. The first kiss makes a lasting impression, and if you ask her it will take away the spontaneity of the moment. On the other hand, if asks you (ala ceres), the only acceptable response is....the dude abides.
Yeah man. If you are both looking at each other and eye contact lasts for at least 3 seconds, you feel the energy charge between you, and you are thinking ... should I kiss her or not then just DO IT.
If she shys away, then keep a smile on your face -- continue what you were doing and try again later.
-Being overly friendly, as in into her. The fact that she's beaten you at chess and you think it's a big deal well, burry it. The second you fall at someone's feet is the second they realize that you're beneath them.
-Asking permission for a kiss
-Second guessing every little thing she says, as in overanalyzing the situation.
What are you looking for in this girl exactly anyways?
Has there been any physical contact between you two? Anything indicating her interest other then her asking for your number?
I'm not so sure about this, I think it really depends on how the line is delivered and what kind of guy you are. As I live in Australia, a few of my first kisses with guys have been initiated with a simple yet inticing "Come 'eeehr" - Now, I may be odd, but I think the casual approach generally works.
If you build to much hype with 'Give me a kiss to build a dream on' I'm pretty sure noones going to get anywhere.
Then again, that's just me :P
I'm sitting in a comfy armed chair in a lounge section of the bar; she's sitting in my lap. We're surrounded by people we don't know but talking quietly together like we're completely alone, sipping overpriced martinis and eyeing one another conspiratorally, like we know something no one else knows, until a girl a table a way finally got exasperated with our supposedly-sly flirtations and called loudly over to us: "Will you please just kiss her already? What in the hell are you waiting for?"
The missus blushes and looks away with a coy smile, but I figured this other person had a point, so I gently pull her chin around to face me and brush my lips against hers softly. "Oh? Oh! Hi there," she mumbled as she kissed me back.
The other patrons in our section of the bar broke out into cheers and applause; we broke out into fits of giggling.
***
Lots of people spout off hard and fast rules about dating (I do, sometimes) but they're really more guidelines than anything else. Sometimes the best thing about the first kiss is how silly it seemed as a hurdle in retrospect--you build it up in your mind and worry about it and then it's over and you remember oh yeah, it's just a kiss. Why was I making such a big deal about one kiss? So I'd usually endorse the rule that you should try not to put too much emphasis on it and remember that it's not so monumental that you need to be awkward or concerned about it.
Except sometimes it actually ends up being monumental enough that a room full of strangers will give you an ovation. 8-)
I don't know why guys feel the need to be Rico Suave after we already KNOW that the chicks wants to kiss us (looking at you Mr. Ceres) but we always end up saying something dumb.
Unless you're a complete dork, like I am, then you will see the signs. Act on them.
Yarrr, it be the pirate's code of love, mate.
Also I'm uh.. not a Mr. :oops: I'm the other one. But yeah, you can't get much smoother than my husband.
Sometimes a good story is better than a perfect first kiss.
I was actually directing that AT your husband.
And my wife LOVES to tell that story...over and over and over...
My fiance, and soon to be wife in 45 days, made the first move on me. Just be yourself, and don't bring weed, unless she suggests it. (She may have smoked before to just fit in). But either way, just be yourself, and don't worry about overdoing it. Worst case scenario, ASK QUESTIONS!
Sometimes actually verbalizing something can help your cause.
Analogy time:
Asking a question when your unsure usually can save your ass from making an ass of yourself. It is a lot like having a deadly rash, but not doing anything about it; when instead you could have gone to the doctor from the start and streamlined the healing process.