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Best Friend's Sister?

4U2NV4U2NV Registered User regular
edited July 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
I've been spending a lot of time with my best friend's sister. She has been hanging out with my group of friends and while I am not 100% sure how she feels, my friends are are telling me I should definitely make a move. We have been spending a lot of 1 on 1 time together. However, he is one of my best friends I have made at college and I feel like I should ask him before I do anything. Should I make a move first and see if there is anything actually there and then talk to him, or just call him and talk to him before I do anything? My best friend's girlfriend said he was fine with it, but I feel like I need to talk to him?

Advice? Also, she is 20 and I am 22.

4U2NV on
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    gigEsmallsgigEsmalls __BANNED USERS regular
    edited July 2009
    You tell him and he may tell her or may not like it and then it becomes awkward. Make a move but be subtle!

    gigEsmalls on
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    ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    If it was my sister and my best friend hit on her without talking to me first, I'd probably beat the crap out of him.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
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    admanbadmanb unionize your workplace Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Your friendship is more important than a potential relationship, right? So you should talk to him.

    admanb on
    twitter, github
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    Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    If his girlfriend says he's cool with it, he probably is. Say something to him, make a move, don't fuck it up.

    Dr. Frenchenstein on
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    ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    To clarify, it's just something big brothers do. I could be totally fine with my friend dating her, but if he didn't come to me first, I'd consider it a betrayal (rational? absolutely not... but she's my baby sister... I'd gladly kill to protect her).

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I have no weird masculine tendencies regarding my sister (beating friends up? wtf?), but if a good friend of mine was suddenly interested in dating my sister, it'd definitely be a "what the hell" moment if he didn't talk to me about it.

    I don't care about defending honor or watching out for her -- she's her own adult -- but I'd feel like my friend didn't trust me and was simply using me to get to her. If the friend said "hey, I'm thinking of asking your sister out, are you cool with that?" I'd 99% say "sure, need any backup?" The 1% is if my friend is a real loser in some way.

    EggyToast on
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    KalTorakKalTorak One way or another, they all end up in the Undercity.Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    If your sister was 20, you don't think she'd be able to take care of herself and maybe make her own decisions about who she wants to date?

    edit: @Chanus

    KalTorak on
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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Chanus wrote: »
    If it was my sister and my best friend hit on her without talking to me first, I'd probably beat the crap out of him.

    Please ignore anything this person says in the future.

    On that note, be REALLY sure there's something there and then ask him.

    Esh on
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    LailLail Surrey, B.C.Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Talk to him first, for sure. But be prepared that he may not be cool with it.

    Lail on
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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Chanus wrote: »
    To clarify, it's just something big brothers do. I could be totally fine with my friend dating her, but if he didn't come to me first, I'd consider it a betrayal (rational? absolutely not... but she's my baby sister... I'd gladly kill to protect her).

    No, it is not something big brothers do. It's something total morons do. Please take your internet tough guy attitude elsewhere.

    Esh on
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    KalTorakKalTorak One way or another, they all end up in the Undercity.Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    She's his sister, not his freaking possession. Treat her like you would any woman you have an interest in - (hopefully) with respect, and let her make the call about whether or not to date you. If she does, cool. Celebrate (possibly with makeouts), then let her brother know that the two of you have decided to date.

    KalTorak on
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    ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Esh wrote: »
    Chanus wrote: »
    To clarify, it's just something big brothers do. I could be totally fine with my friend dating her, but if he didn't come to me first, I'd consider it a betrayal (rational? absolutely not... but she's my baby sister... I'd gladly kill to protect her).

    No, it is not something big brothers do. It's something total morons do. Please take your internet tough guy attitude elsewhere.

    I'm not being a tough guy, it's just the truth. I admitted it wasn't rational behavior.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
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    Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    i don't think there is anything to worry about when starting to date a friend's sister. It's when the breakup happens you need to be careful.

    Dr. Frenchenstein on
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    VeeveeVeevee WisconsinRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    She makes her choices as she is now past 18. I'd send the brother a message the day you're going to ask her, giving him a heads up so he's not blind sided by the news.

    And I don't mean asking for permission, just telling him you're going to do it.

    Veevee on
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    ShawnaseeShawnasee Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Just because your sister is an adult, doesn't mean you aren't any less protective of her than when she was 12.

    @ everyone

    I had the same deal when I was in HS...I made sure there was something between me and the sister and then I talked to my best friend. Anecdotal and all that but he was cool with it. And this was after him declaring "no one goes near my sister!".

    Has your BFF ever made such declarations?
    How did the convo come up with your BFF's GF?

    Shawnasee on
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    ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    KalTorak wrote: »
    If your sister was 20, you don't think she'd be able to take care of herself and maybe make her own decisions about who she wants to date?

    edit: @Chanus

    I'm not saying she can't make her own decisions, nor that I would stop her from dating anyone. I'm saying when it comes to someone who's my friend (as in, probably introduced to her by me), if they want my blessing, they should run it by me.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
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    ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Shawnasee wrote: »
    Just because your sister is an adult, doesn't mean you aren't any less protective of her than when she was 12.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
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    The Crowing OneThe Crowing One Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Chanus wrote: »
    Esh wrote: »
    Chanus wrote: »
    To clarify, it's just something big brothers do. I could be totally fine with my friend dating her, but if he didn't come to me first, I'd consider it a betrayal (rational? absolutely not... but she's my baby sister... I'd gladly kill to protect her).

    No, it is not something big brothers do. It's something total morons do. Please take your internet tough guy attitude elsewhere.

    I'm not being a tough guy, it's just the truth. I admitted it wasn't rational behavior.

    How about we find the middle road, here.

    This is your best friend's sister. To say that dating her would have no impact on the friendship between you and your friend is a boldfaced lie. It will effect your relationship.

    So? Talk to your friend. You don't have to "ask permission" or anything, but you don't want this to be some surprise.

    The Crowing One on
    3rddocbottom.jpg
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    KalTorakKalTorak One way or another, they all end up in the Undercity.Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Chanus wrote: »
    KalTorak wrote: »
    If your sister was 20, you don't think she'd be able to take care of herself and maybe make her own decisions about who she wants to date?

    edit: @Chanus

    I'm not saying she can't make her own decisions, nor that I would stop her from dating anyone. I'm saying when it comes to someone who's my friend (as in, probably introduced to her by me), if they want my blessing, they should run it by me.

    Err... and if they don't get your blessing, you beat them up? Doesn't that count as you stopping her from dating them (or trying to)?

    KalTorak on
    Twitter
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    mtsmts Dr. Robot King Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    i would let him know not as in asking permission but more of a heads up, i am going to do it.

    mts on
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    ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    KalTorak wrote: »
    Err... and if they don't get your blessing, you beat them up? Doesn't that count as you stopping her from dating them (or trying to)?

    That's not what I'm saying.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
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    Grid SystemGrid System Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    mts wrote: »
    i would let him know not as in asking permission but more of a heads up, i am going to do it.
    This.

    Grid System on
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    KalTorakKalTorak One way or another, they all end up in the Undercity.Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Chanus wrote: »
    Shawnasee wrote: »
    Just because your sister is an adult, doesn't mean you aren't any less protective of her than when she was 12.

    So you're saying no matter how old she is, she's as capable of taking care of herself as a 12 year old is.

    KalTorak on
    Twitter
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    The Crowing OneThe Crowing One Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    KalTorak wrote: »
    Chanus wrote: »
    Shawnasee wrote: »
    Just because your sister is an adult, doesn't mean you aren't any less protective of her than when she was 12.

    So you're saying no matter how old she is, she's as capable of taking care of herself as a 12 year old is.

    No. What he's saying (poorly) is that a brother still looks out for a younger sister/brother/niece/nephew, and that as a primary relationship is with the brother, you want to make sure it isn't going to blow up into some immense issue. Nothing more.

    The Crowing One on
    3rddocbottom.jpg
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    urahonkyurahonky Resident FF7R hater Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I don't know. If my friend was interested in my sister I think I'd like to hear it from my friend before he made his move. I think something like "Hey man, I've been pretty interested in your sister for a while and I was going to let you know that I am thinking about asking her out. I am telling you this because I didn't want to make anything awkward between us." Something around that.

    urahonky on
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    KalTorakKalTorak One way or another, they all end up in the Undercity.Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    The Crowing One wrote: »
    KalTorak wrote: »
    Chanus wrote: »
    Shawnasee wrote: »
    Just because your sister is an adult, doesn't mean you aren't any less protective of her than when she was 12.

    So you're saying no matter how old she is, she's as capable of taking care of herself as a 12 year old is.

    No. What he's saying (poorly) is that a brother still looks out for a younger sister/brother/niece/nephew, and that as a primary relationship is with the brother, you want to make sure it isn't going to blow up into some immense issue. Nothing more.

    True, but it's stupid to say there's no difference between how you act toward your sister at age 12 than age 20.

    If some guy who's a bit older than my 12 year old sister starts kissing her, we're going to have some words.
    If some guy who's a bit older than my 20 year old sister starts kissing her, she's probably having a fun time.

    KalTorak on
    Twitter
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    DunxcoDunxco Should get a suit Never skips breakfastRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    KalTorak wrote: »
    Chanus wrote: »
    Shawnasee wrote: »
    Just because your sister is an adult, doesn't mean you aren't any less protective of her than when she was 12.

    So you're saying no matter how old she is, she's as capable of taking care of herself as a 12 year old is.

    That's a bit obtuse, KalTorak - from what I gather, Chanus is just saying that he'd still be protective of his sister if placed in that scenario, not that his sister is unable to take care of herself.

    OP: Aaanyway, I'd run it by your friend first, gauge his response, see if it'll be the dealbreaker between you two, and then make a move if it isn't. If it is, I doubt it's worth trashing a friendship over.

    Dunxco on
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    ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    KalTorak wrote: »
    The Crowing One wrote: »
    KalTorak wrote: »
    Chanus wrote: »
    Shawnasee wrote: »
    Just because your sister is an adult, doesn't mean you aren't any less protective of her than when she was 12.

    So you're saying no matter how old she is, she's as capable of taking care of herself as a 12 year old is.

    No. What he's saying (poorly) is that a brother still looks out for a younger sister/brother/niece/nephew, and that as a primary relationship is with the brother, you want to make sure it isn't going to blow up into some immense issue. Nothing more.

    True, but it's stupid to say there's no difference between how you act toward your sister at age 12 than age 20.

    If some guy who's a bit older than my 12 year old sister starts kissing her, we're going to have some words.
    If some guy who's a bit older than my 20 year old sister starts kissing her, she's probably having a fun time.

    If we're just going to discuss this in hyperbole:

    Hey, I guess you're just cool whoring out your sister.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
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    SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Dude, you're the one who's acting as her pimp, making people go through you before they can ask her out.

    That's an epic analogy fail right there.

    Sentry on
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    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I know you're new here, Chanus, but acting like a musclebound ragetard isn't going to get you very far in the forums.

    Esh on
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    urahonkyurahonky Resident FF7R hater Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    OP, it depends on the friend whether or not he'll be cool with it. Obviously, from what you can tell from this thread, the safest bet is to ask him.

    If you don't ask him, and go for his sister he can either a) be cool with it, or b) be completely pissed off and you lose a friend.

    If you do ask him he can either a) be cool with it, or b) not like the idea, but appreciate you asking and you don't lose a friend.

    urahonky on
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    ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Sentry wrote: »
    Dude, you're the one who's acting as her pimp, making people go through you before they can ask her out.

    That's an epic analogy fail right there.

    I'm not making anyone do anything (and I was being purposefully obtuse in that last post). I'm saying that if someone considers himself my friend, he'd better have the common decency to say, "Hey dude, I think I might like to date your sister".

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
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    ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Esh wrote: »
    I know you're new here, Chanus, but acting like a musclebound ragetard isn't going to get you very far in the forums.

    It seems to me I'm simply being portrayed as such... by you.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Chanus wrote: »
    Esh wrote: »
    I know you're new here, Chanus, but acting like a musclebound ragetard isn't going to get you very far in the forums.

    It seems to me I'm simply being portrayed as such... by you.

    I'm sorry, but you're the one who said "I'm going to kick the shit out of someone who doesn't ask to date my sister".

    You're portraying it just fine yourself.

    Esh on
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    RuckusRuckus Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Chanus wrote: »
    Sentry wrote: »
    Dude, you're the one who's acting as her pimp, making people go through you before they can ask her out.

    That's an epic analogy fail right there.

    I'm not making anyone do anything (and I was being purposefully obtuse in that last post). I'm saying that if someone considers himself my friend, he'd better have the common decency to say, "Hey dude, I think I might like to date your sister".

    Or else you'll punch them?

    Man if you have a problem with any of your friends dating your adult sister, you probably shouldn't be friends with that guy, which makes your point pretty damn moot.

    Ruckus on
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    RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    It's a slap in the face to the friend to just start dating the sister without mentioning anything about it. It says you guys can't talk about that stuff. You don't have to "ask permission". If you guys are good friends, your friend should be cool with it that you wouldn't even have to ask. You're just letting him know before anything happens because you value his friendship so much. You're kind of giving him the inside scoop, so to speak. Maybe he's got some good advice for you, too. He probably knows her better than you.

    RocketSauce on
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    urahonkyurahonky Resident FF7R hater Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Holy fucking shit guys. Are you SERIOUS? I don't think he literally meant he'd punch the guy for not asking, I think he meant that he'd be pretty pissed off. Quit fucking arguing over semantics, this isn't helping the OP at all.

    urahonky on
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    ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Nah, I'm just a neander-man, knuckle-dragging my way through life, clinging to antiquated ideas, shedding a single tear from my egregiously over-sized brow.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    urahonky wrote: »
    Holy fucking shit guys. Are you SERIOUS? I don't think he literally meant he'd punch the guy for not asking, I think he meant that he'd be pretty pissed off. Quit fucking arguing over semantics, this isn't helping the OP at all.

    That's not semantics. He repeated it several times. Just say "I'd be pissed off".

    Esh on
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    Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    yeah, you guys are getting pretty bent out shape over some internet hyperbole.

    Dr. Frenchenstein on
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