I'm curious what people think will happen should she drag the guy's family into all this. You're involving the child in the life of the people closest to its father, completely disregarding his wishes on the matter, for... what? Does the fact that he's decided he wants no part to play in raising the child forfeit any consideration towards him?
You involve his family and you automatically involve him, there's no way around that. He's made it clear that he doesn't want to be in the child's life, and the OP knows this, and with this in mind has decided to keep the child. While I completely understand the appeal of tapping potential support reserves, it seems almost malicious to go around him to his family when he's asked to keep them out of this.
As far as I'm concerned, this is between the mother and father of the child, not the mother, father, and all of their extended family. The perceived right of the grandmother, or of the rest of the father's family, should not come before the right of the father.
There are no laws between the kid and its grand parents outside of next of kin crap. That said whether he wants to be part of the kids life growing up, its not his decision. If she is willing to let the fathers parents be part of kids life then there is no reason they shouldn't be made aware. There is no bro's code to cover baby mama telling mother that she is a grandmother. Any self respecting parent that actually raised their kids is going to want to know about their grand children even if the father would like to forget about it. Besides giving the guy a chance to tell him on his own there is no reason for someone to deprive their kids 2 grandparents just because one guy is to ashamed to tell them.
It's entirely his decision, and it isn't exactly a bad one. Better someone who believes they don't want to be a father stays the hell away from the child.
And no, the grandmother isn't owed shit. This isn't her child, and if the father doesn't want her involved I think that should be respected. While he won't be around, he is obligated to play the most minor of roles, in that he (if he either decides to co-operate to pay child support, or she drags him to court) is a financial provider for the child.
Considering he has no choice in the matter (at this point) in becoming a father, I think his request should be respected. Ethical reasons aside, good luck getting him to co-operate while forcing him into a situation he doesn't want to be in while dragging others he's asked not to be involved into this.
This argument relies upon the mother having no relationship with the paternal grandmother; she may be on good terms with her, and want to know, even if her son doesn't want her to know. The OP hasn't clarified their relationship, so we're merely guessing.
Also, no one is "forcing" the father into any situation he doesn't want to be in. He "chose" that situation when he didn't throw a rubber on. He's 100% responsible for his situation, and now must deal with the consequences of his choices. You know, the way adults have to.
If he doesn't want to be involved in his kid's life, fine, that's his choice to make as well. However, the consequences (child support) should not be so easily dodged. In that sense, yes, he needs to "man up".
I'm curious what people think will happen should she drag the guy's family into all this. You're involving the child in the life of the people closest to its father, completely disregarding his wishes on the matter, for... what? Does the fact that he's decided he wants no part to play in raising the child forfeit any consideration towards him?
You involve his family and you automatically involve him, there's no way around that. He's made it clear that he doesn't want to be in the child's life, and the OP knows this, and with this in mind has decided to keep the child. While I completely understand the appeal of tapping potential support reserves, it seems almost malicious to go around him to his family when he's asked to keep them out of this.
As far as I'm concerned, this is between the mother and father of the child, not the mother, father, and all of their extended family. The perceived right of the grandmother, or of the rest of the father's family, should not come before the right of the father.
There are no laws between the kid and its grand parents outside of next of kin crap. That said whether he wants to be part of the kids life growing up, its not his decision. If she is willing to let the fathers parents be part of kids life then there is no reason they shouldn't be made aware. There is no bro's code to cover baby mama telling mother that she is a grandmother. Any self respecting parent that actually raised their kids is going to want to know about their grand children even if the father would like to forget about it. Besides giving the guy a chance to tell him on his own there is no reason for someone to deprive their kids 2 grandparents just because one guy is to ashamed to tell them.
It's entirely his decision, and it isn't exactly a bad one. Better someone who believes they don't want to be a father stays the hell away from the child.
And no, the grandmother isn't owed shit. This isn't her child, and if the father doesn't want her involved I think that should be respected. While he won't be around, he is obligated to play the most minor of roles, in that he (if he either decides to co-operate to pay child support, or she drags him to court) is a financial provider for the child.
Considering he has no choice in the matter (at this point) in becoming a father, I think his request should be respected. Ethical reasons aside, good luck getting him to co-operate while forcing him into a situation he doesn't want to be in while dragging others he's asked not to be involved into this.
I didn't say the grandmother deserves anything. I said that the mother (legendary) shouldn't respect a responsibility shirking weasel request to not tell his parents so he doesn't has to explain to them that they raised a responsibility shirking weasel. The fact is its in Legendaries best interest to make sure all interested parties that can help her through this are available. Maybe the parents don't want to get involved maybe they do but she should find out not for herself but for the kid.
THERE IS NO BRO'S CODE FOR HANDLING TELLING THE PARENTS ABOUT THE KID.
She isn't being disrespectful or being a rat, in trying to get as much outside support as she can. A kid shouldn't lose his grandparents by trying to be "respectful" to a person that helped create this kid and then ran away. He should only lose them because the mother thinks its in the kids best interest to keep them out of it or if they also want nothing to do with it.
His only responsibility in regards to this child is financial, and it's possible that financial aid might be jeopardized if she decides not to take into consideration how he would like to structure his role in this child's life, and I think he has the right to at least negotiate the terms of his involvement in this child's life.
Yes, they both had sex and both were aware of the consequences, but he has made it clear he wants no part in this and Legendary is aware of that. Unlike him, Legendary is the only one who still has options. Is he a responsibility shirking weasel? No more than someone who decides to abort or put their child up for adoption. Like people in those situations he's decided past the point of pregnancy that he isn't up for this, and like them, he's not a responsibility shirking weasel. He's not that until he's decided not to pay child support, which is something that has yet to come to pass.
My argument here is that maybe with him, y'know, being the father and a potential provider for this child, he should have some say in how this situation is worked out. I think Legendary should be talking more with him about their arrangement before going off and telling his mother about what's happened, and if he won't even do that, then fine, tell her.
Yes, they both had sex and both were aware of the consequences, but he has made it clear he wants no part in this and Legendary is aware of that.
You are facing a logical error here.
When he says that he doesn't want any responsibility related to the baby, he loses the right to determine who gets informed about the baby. He doesn't have the right anymore to make decisions on behalf of the child, including interaction with the child's grandparents.
Yes, they both had sex and both were aware of the consequences, but he has made it clear he wants no part in this and Legendary is aware of that.
You are facing a logical error here.
When he says that he doesn't want any responsibility related to the baby, he loses the right to determine who gets informed about the baby. He doesn't have the right anymore to make decisions on behalf of the child, including interaction with the child's grandparents.
Right, but if he pays child support he is in fact being somewhat responsible, and is playing a minor role in the child's life.
I think I took responsibility more to mean raising the child, and being physically present in the child's life once he/she's been born. There is a lot of stuff to be worked out before that happens, things which they should talk about, like child-support. Of course, if he is unwilling to discuss any of this, and is completely uncooperative, fuck 'em, but I don't remember Legendary stating that he is unwilling to even talk.
He told me he didnt want kids, and didnt wanna have anything to do with the "thing".... He tells me that im crazy because of the emotional side of the pregnancy.
...and that doesn't seem like willingness to discuss it. Maybe he was freaking out at the moment and will be more agreeable later, but for now, just based on that, he hasn't earned the right to be making requests that the OP needs to respect.
He told me he didnt want kids, and didnt wanna have anything to do with the "thing".... He tells me that im crazy because of the emotional side of the pregnancy.
...and that doesn't seem like willingness to discuss it. Maybe he was freaking out at the moment and will be more agreeable later, but for now, just based on that, he hasn't earned the right to be making requests that the OP needs to respect.
I totally missed that. Yeah, for now his wishes don't account for anything, and I apologize for going on without knowing the whole story.
A lot of people are stupid at the age of 20. That doesn't necessarily have a lot of bearing on the grandmother. My sister is raising my nephew by herself and at this point my nephew has cut off contact with his father but both my nephew and my sister are in contact with my nephew's grandparents on his father's side. They are wonderful people with an idiot son. That doesn't mean they don't provide emotional support for my sister and adore my nephew.
Why would anyone recommend cutting the OP and her kid off from a possible entire family (minus one person) of support?
(not the best link ever, but I'm feeling lazy)
Kistra on
Animal Crossing: City Folk Lissa in Filmore 3179-9580-0076
Yes, they both had sex and both were aware of the consequences, but he has made it clear he wants no part in this and Legendary is aware of that.
You are facing a logical error here.
When he says that he doesn't want any responsibility related to the baby, he loses the right to determine who gets informed about the baby. He doesn't have the right anymore to make decisions on behalf of the child, including interaction with the child's grandparents.
Right, but if he pays child support he is in fact being somewhat responsible, and is playing a minor role in the child's life.
I think I took responsibility more to mean raising the child, and being physically present in the child's life once he/she's been born. There is a lot of stuff to be worked out before that happens, things which they should talk about, like child-support. Of course, if he is unwilling to discuss any of this, and is completely uncooperative, fuck 'em, but I don't remember Legendary stating that he is unwilling to even talk.
Regardless. There is a new life involved and the only thing that matters is the kid. Not the father who wants nothing to do with it. I am sorry if his feeling get hurt if she tells the grandmother. Then again when the kid grows up and finds out the father didn't want anything to do with him I am sure its going to hurt the kids feeling as well. Think of it this way it can keep them all in contact in case the father eventually comes around.
For the legal parts of the following, this is for the US but I'm sure it's similar in Canada.
Grandparents have legal rights.
OP has every right to seek out a support structure of her choosing.
The child has the right to a family that wants it (includes extended). One poster here already talked about how his father wasn't involved but his paternal grandparents were and it worked out.
The only right the father has is as to how involved he wants to be. He can't decide for his family.
There are absurdly powerful tools for collecting child support if a parent refuses. Suspended license, jail time, garnered wages and tax returns, etc. With the proper aggressive attorney, this shit gets solved.
People keep talking about some fascinating "what ifs". Whatever this child grows up with will be the normal.
Improvolone on
Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
For the legal parts of the following, this is for the US but I'm sure it's similar in Canada.
Grandparents have legal rights.
OP has every right to seek out a support structure of her choosing.
The child has the right to a family that wants it (includes extended). One poster here already talked about how his father wasn't involved but his paternal grandparents were and it worked out.
The only right the father has is as to how involved he wants to be. He can't decide for his family.
There are absurdly powerful tools for collecting child support if a parent refuses. Suspended license, jail time, garnered wages and tax returns, etc. With the proper aggressive attorney, this shit gets solved.
People keep talking about some fascinating "what ifs". Whatever this child grows up with will be the normal.
Thank you millions of children in the US alone grow up 100% normal in any type of family makeup.
Posts
This argument relies upon the mother having no relationship with the paternal grandmother; she may be on good terms with her, and want to know, even if her son doesn't want her to know. The OP hasn't clarified their relationship, so we're merely guessing.
Also, no one is "forcing" the father into any situation he doesn't want to be in. He "chose" that situation when he didn't throw a rubber on. He's 100% responsible for his situation, and now must deal with the consequences of his choices. You know, the way adults have to.
If he doesn't want to be involved in his kid's life, fine, that's his choice to make as well. However, the consequences (child support) should not be so easily dodged. In that sense, yes, he needs to "man up".
His only responsibility in regards to this child is financial, and it's possible that financial aid might be jeopardized if she decides not to take into consideration how he would like to structure his role in this child's life, and I think he has the right to at least negotiate the terms of his involvement in this child's life.
Yes, they both had sex and both were aware of the consequences, but he has made it clear he wants no part in this and Legendary is aware of that. Unlike him, Legendary is the only one who still has options. Is he a responsibility shirking weasel? No more than someone who decides to abort or put their child up for adoption. Like people in those situations he's decided past the point of pregnancy that he isn't up for this, and like them, he's not a responsibility shirking weasel. He's not that until he's decided not to pay child support, which is something that has yet to come to pass.
My argument here is that maybe with him, y'know, being the father and a potential provider for this child, he should have some say in how this situation is worked out. I think Legendary should be talking more with him about their arrangement before going off and telling his mother about what's happened, and if he won't even do that, then fine, tell her.
You are facing a logical error here.
When he says that he doesn't want any responsibility related to the baby, he loses the right to determine who gets informed about the baby. He doesn't have the right anymore to make decisions on behalf of the child, including interaction with the child's grandparents.
Right, but if he pays child support he is in fact being somewhat responsible, and is playing a minor role in the child's life.
I think I took responsibility more to mean raising the child, and being physically present in the child's life once he/she's been born. There is a lot of stuff to be worked out before that happens, things which they should talk about, like child-support. Of course, if he is unwilling to discuss any of this, and is completely uncooperative, fuck 'em, but I don't remember Legendary stating that he is unwilling to even talk.
...and that doesn't seem like willingness to discuss it. Maybe he was freaking out at the moment and will be more agreeable later, but for now, just based on that, he hasn't earned the right to be making requests that the OP needs to respect.
I totally missed that. Yeah, for now his wishes don't account for anything, and I apologize for going on without knowing the whole story.
A lot of people are stupid at the age of 20. That doesn't necessarily have a lot of bearing on the grandmother. My sister is raising my nephew by herself and at this point my nephew has cut off contact with his father but both my nephew and my sister are in contact with my nephew's grandparents on his father's side. They are wonderful people with an idiot son. That doesn't mean they don't provide emotional support for my sister and adore my nephew.
Why would anyone recommend cutting the OP and her kid off from a possible entire family (minus one person) of support?
(not the best link ever, but I'm feeling lazy)
People keep talking about some fascinating "what ifs". Whatever this child grows up with will be the normal.