Can we talk about the weird shame/self-loathing on people's OkCupid profiles? "The most private thing I'm willing to admit here? That I'm on this site." What the hell? Does that make anyone seem endearing or likeable? It injects this weird shamefulness to online dating that I just don't understand at all. I mean, yeah, there are people out there who think online dating is for losers, but if you have decided to do it then I hope to hell you aren't one of those people! People who say things like that on their profile come across to me as if they are trying to have it both ways: pretend they are too cool for online dating and yet do it anyway. Furtherore, what does it say about me, the person looking at your profile, if I don't feel shameful about it? It's just all kinds of fucked up IMO.
It's almost weird, self-justification thing. It usually manifests in the beginning of profiles: "I never thought I'd be doing this." or "Just seeing what's out there" or "My friend's doing it and I signed up as moral support." There's still the perception that there's a stigma about online dating, and if a woman has to resort to going online (due to her failure to find a suitable mate thru normal means), then she must be flawed. By expressing shame that she's slumming on the internet, she clearly demonstrates that she considers herself a normal, stable, not-crazy person who would otherwise find a date thru normal means.
Everyone here agrees that the whole stigma is utter nonsense, but it's still perceived to be out there. Also, I probably stretched it a little just to make the point, but meh, it's the internet.
I was trying to explain the concept to a few of my co-workers the other day, it was pretty striking how they perceived online dating to what it actually is. The mormon who was married in his early 20's was trying to claim that basically everyone who online dates (particularly women) are incredibly desperate for a date. And the other coworker was of the impression that anybody who online dates is simply unable to get dates under otherwise normal circumstances, thus basically saying something really kind of mean, but that's kind of how she is.
I mean, those people do exist on sites like this, desperate morons are the reasons the deck is so stacked against normal guys. But you would think a generation of people raised on facebook/myspace would be more open to the idea.
the abundance of tall girls on this site makes me depressed. I want to message them all and say "your height just makes dudes self conscious with themselves its nothing about you you are a baller."
i always felt uncomfortable around tall girls because im a short dude. then i started to make eye contact with some and realized that they're often real self conscious. it's not what i expected.
I appear to be pretty poor at thinking of things to write at the moment so please could you good and knowledgeable people take a look and let me know your thoughts!?
It's been quite some time so don't hold back.
I shall brace myself.
[/lurk]
I found your profile a pretty intriguing read. However, under "what I'm doing with my life," you should pause for a moment and correct "independent" and "label." Otherwise, good stuff. Fun pictures, as well.
Whelp, asked a girl I'd been talking to for a while if she wanted to go to the concert in the park next Friday, since I'd be back in town.
She apparently thought I meant today, and threw some IMs while I was over at my sister's. She hasn't been back online since I sent the other messages saying that I meant next week.
Hope this doesn't blow things with her. I'd been enjoying talking to her.
You can but try. If someone freaks out over a little detail like that, then they're not worth having really.
Well another ill advised night on the town for me (FUCK FLEET WEEK) and then a pair of first contact dates tomorrow and tuesday. We'll see what happens.
We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know.
How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver.
. . .
Your new elite status comes with one important privilege:
You will now see more attractive people in your match results.
This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results.
. . .
Suddenly, the world is your oyster. Login now and reap the rewards. And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see.
And I am not sure I am ok with this. Honestly, this email comes off extremely juvenile and base to me.
Anyway, first meeting with a lady in two hours. If I never post again it's because she's actually just a lure for a Nigerian organ smuggling operation and it's been nice knowing you all.
We toured an abandoned prison, she laughed at my lame Shawshank jokes, we threw references back and forth, talked about tv shows, made fun of religion, she introduced me to this burger place I had never been to (I offered to buy since she was driving), and I thought we got along fairly well. At the prison she made an offhand comment about giving me a tour of her city sometime (she's big into historical buildings and architecture, which I think is rad).
At the end, she dropped me off, and said she would get in contact with me.
I think we hit it off fairly well, and she seems really awesome, but at the same time you never can tell with these things, and she still hasn't even given me her phone number. Until I hear from her again I'm pretty much equal parts 8-) and :? .
Can we talk about the weird shame/self-loathing on people's OkCupid profiles? "The most private thing I'm willing to admit here? That I'm on this site." What the hell? Does that make anyone seem endearing or likeable? It injects this weird shamefulness to online dating that I just don't understand at all. I mean, yeah, there are people out there who think online dating is for losers, but if you have decided to do it then I hope to hell you aren't one of those people! People who say things like that on their profile come across to me as if they are trying to have it both ways: pretend they are too cool for online dating and yet do it anyway. Furtherore, what does it say about me, the person looking at your profile, if I don't feel shameful about it? It's just all kinds of fucked up IMO.
I don't think its people trying to be "too cool" but maybe trying to communicate that they feel some awkwardness about the process. T
I got the admin approval e-mail. It says my personality is "really great" and the ladies want me "so bad." Somehow I get the feeling that's what everyone gets. :P
A really cute asian girl messaged me out of the blue and we've been having a great conversation about places we've seen/would like to see. It's too bad she lives a thousand miles away.
man, i've been filling out this profile for like a week
and i don't mean i've been slaving and editing
i mean i just can't think of anything to put for certain sections- like the self-summary and what i am doing
ugh
I've been having profile writers block myself. I think maybe sitting down with a pen and paper and brainstorming might work better than just staring at the screen.
Yeah this girl is campaigning hard for a threesome.
What you said here:
notes in private how hot her roommate is and how she would love sex with her because it would be fantastic, asks what I'm doing tomorrow and if I'd like to come over
is like pretty much a hammer to the face when it comes to "hints".
Maybe. She instantly followed with "can you tell I should have gone to (name of local woman's college here).
She's cute, but I generally follow the keep away from the crazy rule. Just trying to figure out how crazy, on further reflection she strikes me as someone in the mania part of bi polar.
Lokie, you really have no idea. And I should get a different penny arcade sn one of these days that isn't so connected to me. Don't share a lot because of that.
Hard to quote folks on an iPod...uh whoever said be on the same page as everyone made a good point too. I'm pretty sure those two do not have that sort of relationship.
Pretty sure.
Ffffffffff why did I turn down the Friday invitation.
Smokestacks, I only read it for the articles, I swear!
Oh, and whoever said this was highly unlikely to have happened. Yes. I know. That's why I'm being all WTF just happened.
I was kidding with you, stranger things have happened :P
I appear to be pretty poor at thinking of things to write at the moment so please could you good and knowledgeable people take a look and let me know your thoughts!?
It's been quite some time so don't hold back.
I shall brace myself.
[/lurk]
I found your profile a pretty intriguing read. However, under "what I'm doing with my life," you should pause for a moment and correct "independent" and "label." Otherwise, good stuff. Fun pictures, as well.
Thanks for having a gander. Crikey, couple of silly mistake there eh? Thanks for the help. Made the corrections before hitting the sack last night. Wasn't sure about the pictures myself but if they are liked then that is good!
I have just realised how few photos I'm in We need to be breaking out the camera more often.
I've been chatting to some really nice girls in England and America. One in London with 92% Match and 6% Enemy who I had a big laugh with. Hoping she contacts me again.
But so far the only person in my area I've got in touch with is a girl who contacted me from her Quiver, who's 52% Match, 66% Friend, 46% Enemy. :?
Maybe I'm paying too much attention to these numbers, but I'm kind of put off by those per centages.
Those numbers mean exactly jack shit in my somewhat not so humble opinion. I'm great friends with one girl I met on POF, and I later saw we're 20% friends on OKC and like 60% enemy. I've also gone out with a few girls I was a high match % with, and we had basically nothing in common at all.
Remember that the match percentage is based on your answers to user created questions, nothing actually credible.
Bowling
Mini Putt
Live bands
Picnics
Museums
Walks in a park
Cooking dinner together
Hiking Trips
Going to a Carnival
Going to a Dance Lesson
Attending a cooking class
People watching from a patio
Basically anything where you'll talk, interact and ideally share some physical proximity/contact
The nice thing about bowling and mini golf is that most everyone sucks at it. That's true for most physical or competitive activities when it comes to good date ideas, because if you're going to compete with someone on an early date, you don't want to have your own skill (or the other person's skill) make the other person feel like a loser. So if you've actually scored a 300 and have your own ball, bowling might not be a good suggestion. That's why bar-oriented things tend to work OK too, like pool or pub trivia.
Then once you get to know the person you can do things that are more in-tune with your interests. Maybe you end up both liking plays so you go see a summer Shakespeare thing.
My problem with bowling, as one of your early dates, is how much it separates you. While actually playing, one of you is always facing away from the other, which isn't good for conversation, and your play doesn't interact with the other person's play. I vastly prefer mini golf and pool for those reasons.
There are no mini golf places near me. It is abysmal. Also, bowling, even in the shitty lanes, is expensive. I hate not knowing the city I live in, makes things hard.
An 18 year old messaged me and then struck up a boring as hell IM with me. After telling me about the M&Ms she is eating (peanut btw), I asked...
so what made you think of messaging a 23 year old single father?
I Love kids . and really i admire parents. how they can actually raise a child with or without support.
Shes 18.
Improvolone on
Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
Oh, the sound of that girl's biological clock ticking must be pounding in her ears. It happens. I know at that age I was terribly interested in settling down and having children. lol hormones are crazy. I sincerely intended to be married with three or four children by the age of twenty-two. (I'm pretty sure I sat down and did the maths to figure out how often I would have to be popping them out.) And then I grew up and went "Holy God. What was I thinking?" I'm pretty sure female hormones cause insanity.
Some questions regarding okcupid, if you guys may be so kind:
First, when you get quivers, are you supposed to select "I'm not interested"? Like does that _help_ okcupid make further calculations on which it picks? Are the victims notified that they were picked as not interested?
And second, for our images we upload, are we allowed to photoshop other pictures? And if so, is it ever a good idea? I've been told that I resemble a tv character (Radar from Mash, so unfortunately not a recent one ;p) and have been debating as one of my pictures to either photoshop my head over a picture, or simply pose as him and make note in the caption. In the end it may be too silly and I might not use it, but just curious about my options.
1. It doesn't inform someone that you've rejected them. I don't know if it helps okcupid to figure out better matches for you but it does at least give you a chance for more quiver matches (I don't think you can have more than three)
2. I would just post a picture of him. No you in it, no photoshopping needed. Just him and make sure you note the joke.
Just got back from my second first "date" this week. The first was was a lot of fun, this one was a lot of not. I'm not particularly unattracted to overweight women (though she seemed bigger in person, shock, I know), but I'm quite turned off by an unhealthy diet. Man, tonight was not groovy.
I think I'll call that first girl back...
Improvolone on
Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
First date with cool new chick is scheduled during the day on Friday. I have high hopes. Trying not to have too high hopes.
LoserForHireX on
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to give into it." - Oscar Wilde
"We believe in the people and their 'wisdom' as if there was some special secret entrance to knowledge that barred to anyone who had ever learned anything." - Friedrich Nietzsche
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OnTheLastCastlelet's keep it haimish for the peripateticRegistered Userregular
edited June 2010
I am going to pick a chick up in a bar tonight. I am meeting an SE++ forumer who will later corroborate this. This is like calling my shot even if it is not that difficult for some guys. I AM NOT GOOD AT IT.
edit: You should not have any hopes about dating. It'll make it a lot better and less pressure.
You must be in the photo! No full nudity, extreme close ups, pets, cars, baby photos, artwork, images you’ve added yourself to, etc. are allowed. Rule breaking photos will be deleted.
I cannot find the actual rules, which is why I asked here; but, that is what the "staff robot" tells you. Though according to the robot you cannot even photoshop yourself in...hmm
Was gonna also add a picture of me looking like Jake Blues (John Belushi), which is another nickname I have at work, but figured spending 15 bucks on something that may not even be funny kind of a waste. The only glasses I do have are those Real3D ones you get from movies. It is also sad that I seem to resemble characters that are from movies 30+ years old...
As a good thumb of rule, don't buy her a drink. It basically tells woman that "I'm desperate guy, and I'm buying drinks to maintain your attention". If discussion gets further along, then yes, it is fine, and even charming. But in the beginning, forget about it.
Does anyone have a compendium of neat date ideas? Ghost tour is currently out, unfortunately.
Here is few good rules for dating...
Avoid the two worst possible choices; movie and dinner. Movie is bad because you don't interact with each other. Dinner is bad idea for two reasons. First, and foremost, there are some socially programmed exceptations for dinner. It is the big thing, and most girls think that they need to choose there and now. Plus it is a long ritual, which brings us to second rule....
Keep it short. Good date should have clear beginning and the ending. I would recommend that date doesn't last longer than, say, hour. Lunch is actually pretty good choice for "date", because it is short. Of course, if things get hot, you are more than welcome to extend to your date.
Keep it active. If possible, bring her to any activity. Robman had good list of suitable activities.
Don't ever use dating related vocabulary. I don't ever date women. I meet them. Why? Because if you use dating vocabulary, you have tendency to activate certain automatic responses and exceptations for the meeting. Even if girl likes you, you will meet unnecessary resistance because she has learnt she needs to do this or that because it is a date. By simply not using word date, you will bypass most of these automatic responses.
Never ask for phonenumber. For same reason, I don't never ask contact details, I just ask how we could continue this discussion later. Because if you ask for phone number, way too often she goes "Uh-oh, this guy is trying hit on me, and according to Cosmo, I should be dating guys that look like that guy over there. Sorry."
Posts
I need to make it to PAX.
I was trying to explain the concept to a few of my co-workers the other day, it was pretty striking how they perceived online dating to what it actually is. The mormon who was married in his early 20's was trying to claim that basically everyone who online dates (particularly women) are incredibly desperate for a date. And the other coworker was of the impression that anybody who online dates is simply unable to get dates under otherwise normal circumstances, thus basically saying something really kind of mean, but that's kind of how she is.
I mean, those people do exist on sites like this, desperate morons are the reasons the deck is so stacked against normal guys. But you would think a generation of people raised on facebook/myspace would be more open to the idea.
i always felt uncomfortable around tall girls because im a short dude. then i started to make eye contact with some and realized that they're often real self conscious. it's not what i expected.
[/lurk]
I found your profile a pretty intriguing read. However, under "what I'm doing with my life," you should pause for a moment and correct "independent" and "label." Otherwise, good stuff. Fun pictures, as well.
wish list
Steam wishlist
Etsy wishlist
She apparently thought I meant today, and threw some IMs while I was over at my sister's. She hasn't been back online since I sent the other messages saying that I meant next week.
Hope this doesn't blow things with her. I'd been enjoying talking to her.
Well another ill advised night on the town for me (FUCK FLEET WEEK) and then a pair of first contact dates tomorrow and tuesday. We'll see what happens.
And I am not sure I am ok with this. Honestly, this email comes off extremely juvenile and base to me.
i kind of like okc humor i guess. i imagine it will get annoying over time though
We toured an abandoned prison, she laughed at my lame Shawshank jokes, we threw references back and forth, talked about tv shows, made fun of religion, she introduced me to this burger place I had never been to (I offered to buy since she was driving), and I thought we got along fairly well. At the prison she made an offhand comment about giving me a tour of her city sometime (she's big into historical buildings and architecture, which I think is rad).
At the end, she dropped me off, and said she would get in contact with me.
I think we hit it off fairly well, and she seems really awesome, but at the same time you never can tell with these things, and she still hasn't even given me her phone number. Until I hear from her again I'm pretty much equal parts 8-) and :? .
I don't think its people trying to be "too cool" but maybe trying to communicate that they feel some awkwardness about the process. T
I haven't, lol
and i don't mean i've been slaving and editing
i mean i just can't think of anything to put for certain sections- like the self-summary and what i am doing
ugh
A really cute asian girl messaged me out of the blue and we've been having a great conversation about places we've seen/would like to see. It's too bad she lives a thousand miles away.
Yeah, it was just one of those "crap can't get ahold of them crap crap crap" things.
And then she got on, we laughed about it, and she's watching Rush Hour 3 while chatting with me. So no biggie :P
I've been having profile writers block myself. I think maybe sitting down with a pen and paper and brainstorming might work better than just staring at the screen.
I was kidding with you, stranger things have happened :P
My Little Game Blog - http://profundospielen.blogspot.com/
Thanks for having a gander. Crikey, couple of silly mistake there eh? Thanks for the help. Made the corrections before hitting the sack last night. Wasn't sure about the pictures myself but if they are liked then that is good!
I have just realised how few photos I'm in
But so far the only person in my area I've got in touch with is a girl who contacted me from her Quiver, who's 52% Match, 66% Friend, 46% Enemy. :?
Maybe I'm paying too much attention to these numbers, but I'm kind of put off by those per centages.
Remember that the match percentage is based on your answers to user created questions, nothing actually credible.
Mini Putt
Live bands
Picnics
Museums
Walks in a park
Cooking dinner together
Hiking Trips
Going to a Carnival
Going to a Dance Lesson
Attending a cooking class
People watching from a patio
Basically anything where you'll talk, interact and ideally share some physical proximity/contact
Then once you get to know the person you can do things that are more in-tune with your interests. Maybe you end up both liking plays so you go see a summer Shakespeare thing.
An 18 year old messaged me and then struck up a boring as hell IM with me. After telling me about the M&Ms she is eating (peanut btw), I asked...
Shes 18.
Don't listen to him, he's crazy.
First, when you get quivers, are you supposed to select "I'm not interested"? Like does that _help_ okcupid make further calculations on which it picks? Are the victims notified that they were picked as not interested?
And second, for our images we upload, are we allowed to photoshop other pictures? And if so, is it ever a good idea? I've been told that I resemble a tv character (Radar from Mash, so unfortunately not a recent one ;p) and have been debating as one of my pictures to either photoshop my head over a picture, or simply pose as him and make note in the caption. In the end it may be too silly and I might not use it, but just curious about my options.
2. I would just post a picture of him. No you in it, no photoshopping needed. Just him and make sure you note the joke.
I think I'll call that first girl back...
"We believe in the people and their 'wisdom' as if there was some special secret entrance to knowledge that barred to anyone who had ever learned anything." - Friedrich Nietzsche
edit: You should not have any hopes about dating. It'll make it a lot better and less pressure.
I cannot find the actual rules, which is why I asked here; but, that is what the "staff robot" tells you. Though according to the robot you cannot even photoshop yourself in...hmm
Was gonna also add a picture of me looking like Jake Blues (John Belushi), which is another nickname I have at work, but figured spending 15 bucks on something that may not even be funny kind of a waste. The only glasses I do have are those Real3D ones you get from movies. It is also sad that I seem to resemble characters that are from movies 30+ years old...
As a good thumb of rule, don't buy her a drink. It basically tells woman that "I'm desperate guy, and I'm buying drinks to maintain your attention". If discussion gets further along, then yes, it is fine, and even charming. But in the beginning, forget about it.
Whoever was lecturing everyone to date more black chicks, i'ma put your shit to the test.
Here is few good rules for dating...