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My wife needs friends, damnit.
Richard_Dastardly
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Apologies. I suppose this post is a bit rambly because I don't have a specific question. I'm just seeking some general advice, or perhaps some insight into the situation.
I enjoy hanging out with my wife, and I'm not just saying this because I'm about to say something completely to the contrary. Unless I'm at work Rie and I are together. Every day. And while being together all the time means we don't always have things to talk about, we share comfortable silences so that's no problem.
Rie's a furriner, and recently went back to her home country of wherever she's from for two weeks. For me, her vacation was fourteen days interspersed with aimlessness, loneliness, internet porn and male-bonding. I felt strange without Rie around, but her absence led me to realize that my other relationships are suffering because my wife and I always come as a package or don't come at all. Rie doesn't have her own friends here, and I feel guilty leaving her home alone while I'm out having fun. So, that means that if Rie doesn't want to hang then I don't get to either.
While Rie was away, my good friend... we'll call him Chaz since I can't think of a douchier name... hung out quite a bit. Chaz filled me in on quite a few goings-ons in his life, stuff involving girls and such that he just didn't feel comfortable talking about around Rie. Chaz and Rie get along just fine, but her and I both know he's my friend and when we do hang out I often have to divide my attention between the two so Rie doesn't feel left out.
I shouldn't let my friendships stagnate, but I can't leave Rie alone because she doesn't have anyone else here. So, I've come to the conclusion that we need to find her some friends or at least something to keep her occupied. She's a housewife and, for the most part, I enjoy her being at home since everyday she cooks us up a delicious lunch and dinner. But, we've both discussed her need for something more to do, both to meet people and to get out of the house, whether that something is school or volunteering or *ack* a part-time job. The problem is, she suffers from a bit of the ol' social anxiety disorder. I've offered to go volunteer with her at an animal shelter until she felt comfortable enough to go alone, but she's so far refused. She can be quite negative at times and easily discourages herself from doing things.
I don't really know what to do here. I'm not sure if it's a good idea that husband and wife be best friends as well, at least for us because we're becoming too comfortable around one another. Plus, I know she needs to vent about me, but she has no one to vent to. I mean, she vents to me about me... but then that's what I call nagging.
I enjoy hanging out with my wife, and I'm not just saying this because I'm about to say something completely to the contrary. Unless I'm at work Rie and I are together. Every day. And while being together all the time means we don't always have things to talk about, we share comfortable silences so that's no problem.
Rie's a furriner, and recently went back to her home country of wherever she's from for two weeks. For me, her vacation was fourteen days interspersed with aimlessness, loneliness, internet porn and male-bonding. I felt strange without Rie around, but her absence led me to realize that my other relationships are suffering because my wife and I always come as a package or don't come at all. Rie doesn't have her own friends here, and I feel guilty leaving her home alone while I'm out having fun. So, that means that if Rie doesn't want to hang then I don't get to either.
While Rie was away, my good friend... we'll call him Chaz since I can't think of a douchier name... hung out quite a bit. Chaz filled me in on quite a few goings-ons in his life, stuff involving girls and such that he just didn't feel comfortable talking about around Rie. Chaz and Rie get along just fine, but her and I both know he's my friend and when we do hang out I often have to divide my attention between the two so Rie doesn't feel left out.
I shouldn't let my friendships stagnate, but I can't leave Rie alone because she doesn't have anyone else here. So, I've come to the conclusion that we need to find her some friends or at least something to keep her occupied. She's a housewife and, for the most part, I enjoy her being at home since everyday she cooks us up a delicious lunch and dinner. But, we've both discussed her need for something more to do, both to meet people and to get out of the house, whether that something is school or volunteering or *ack* a part-time job. The problem is, she suffers from a bit of the ol' social anxiety disorder. I've offered to go volunteer with her at an animal shelter until she felt comfortable enough to go alone, but she's so far refused. She can be quite negative at times and easily discourages herself from doing things.
I don't really know what to do here. I'm not sure if it's a good idea that husband and wife be best friends as well, at least for us because we're becoming too comfortable around one another. Plus, I know she needs to vent about me, but she has no one to vent to. I mean, she vents to me about me... but then that's what I call nagging.
Richard_Dastardly on
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I suppose I'll start with my bullshit personal experience. I feel for you. I'm in a similar (but not too similar) situation in which a little over a year ago I moved to my partner's home-town-area for so many reasons, while this was merely "across the state of Mass" it meant that I was going to an area in which I had no friends and my partner and I have ended up creating a small little world all by ourselves.
We both work full time (which is a marked difference) and she has some, but not many, friends around through work and hobbies. We usually spend Mon-Fri hanging out, playing games and watching movies while we go out on the weekends (together) mainly to do either gaming or academic events. All of our activities are shared, mutual and usually just the two of us, which I love.
There's a certain point where, you've discovered, two people need to have things that are "their own" or they risk becoming either a clusterfuck of an insular relationship or really sick and tired of the "usual, boring routine".
In many ways, while I love my partner, I love having space, too. I have friendships which have stagnated and grow apart in front of my eyes while I was so busy attending to the minute details of my pretty secluded home life. I mean, she's wicked protective of "our space" and even when I did have a great childhood friend living 15 minutes away (he moved awhile back) it was impossible for me to get out there to "hang out" due to her needing to be involved or her keeping a close eye on my time due to her being my ride when we were (inevitably) drinking or what have you. But, I digress, this doesn't sound like you, necessarily.
So, on to the real advice, to my best ability. I think you have the right idea of attending things with her to begin in order to facilitate a comfortable situation for her to branch out and meet new people. Really, you know your wife best, and if volunteering at the local shelter is her thing, don't give her a choice. Get excited and hype it up. I get the impression (which could absolutely be wrong) that you're the "head of household" and that if you say "Honey, we're going to the shelter tonight to help with the adorable puppies and kittens", you'll be fine. Make plans and stick to them. Maybe the shelter isn't right, so next week try something different. If she plays sports, encourage her to join a casual adult league and remind her that you're wicked excited to cheer from the stands. It really doesn't matter as long as you are able to go ahead and create that "safe" bubble for her to begin. Eventually, if she meets some people she likes, that bubble will be in place and you'll be able to cut out and do your thing.
The other side, which I'm sure will come up, is just simply "taking" your time and seeing what she does to amuse herself. The danger here (and I believe in your situation) is that she'd just sit there at home pining away waiting for you to get home.
It'll take time, but try to maximize your time together as time spent socially. Check meetup or whatever local calendar you use. I know that when I moved toward having more "me" time I made a specific line between her interests and mine, and it was made clear that while I love her, some things are "my things" and I haven't yet had a problem. If you help your wife make the first few steps, something will most likely come of it.
So, basically, what I used a thousand words to convey is that you're on the right track.
Just for good measure, I'll repeat: Just make the plans, inform her, and then follow-through. Sounds like, when presented with the choice, she'd rather be out with you than home alone (I hope).
I found myself in a situation where I had moved into a new city and knew 0 people and everyone at work was quite a bit older than me. Used meetup.com, found a really good group that involves traveling and exploring and now not only have I met quite a few good people, but I'm doing tons of stuff that I never thought myself doing (Rock Climbing, water skiing, traveling.).
If she's not ready to get help for the social anxiety (I wouldn't push it, just make it clear to her that if she ever wants to get help for it, you are 100% behind her and will do whatever it takes to help her with that), I agree with the above posters to start with her hobbies, and try social Internet sites where she can type to people and get to know them a bit before she meets them in person. Though moving up to that in-person step is important at some point.
see if you can find a nice group of guys in their late 20s early 30s that are tolerable and fun to hang around with. Make friends together - and chicks dig D&D 4e - it's super easy to learn and they like using their imaginations
A man can only dream.
I didn't really address the social anxiety at all in my post, and going back and seeing other responses, I would be concerned about that, as well.
I honestly can say that just making the plans and being positive is the first of many little steps.
I'm living the dream, man, it's doable.
I'm speaking from personal experience here. I immigrated to the US from Canada two years ago when I married my husband, and my God, was I ever clingy those first few months. I didn't want to be, but it was a combination of yes I love my husband, but I was also scared as hell at suddenly being so far away from everything and everyone I knew. My husband took me to a lot of places where I basically had to interact with people, and I gradually became a lot more open and outgoing. Immersion therapy? I still love spending time with him, but I no longer get anxious when he's not around.
There's nothing wrong with being best friends with your significant other. But it is unhealthy when "best friends" translates to "this person is my ONLY friend". You're right. She's comfortable with you. And when someone is comfortable, it's hard for them to think that they might be lonely or missing out on something. This could be why she's digging in her heels when you suggest things. She's nervous, and she's thinking that she likes the way things are now, so why should she chance all that scary societal interaction when she could just be with you? Nudge, don't push, and make sure she knows she's loved the way you've been doing. It'll take some time, but you'll get there. Just make sure your time together stays special when you are alone and neither of you will feel like you're missing out.
I mean, we all have our "crutches". Mine is alcohol. My partner uses "internetting" and I have known many, many people in my time working with "people at risk" who have become utterly convinced that their psychological issues run their day-to-day life. When I quit drinking I thought I would never be able to get my life back on track, and before that every time I tried to put down the bottle there was some other reason not to. I would even start getting shakes if I went for a day without a drink, convince myself that I was getting withdrawal, and then use that as an excuse to start up again.
I guess the point is that none of the anxiety stuff matters if you let it interfere. If the anxiety is a no-go for meeting new people, your wife will never meet new people. Help her out of her comfort zone and provide support, she will realize that she is able to go out without issues, or if there are issues, that they can be controlled or conquered.
I'll take the Nike approach and say "Just Do It!"
I don't know what you have said to your wife so far but I found that it was a very fine line between me trying to say "I'm worried about you, I want you to go out and have fun" and my husband hearing "get out of the house for a couple of hours you are driving me crazy".
Though I've been out of college for some years now, I still I love to study! I've called up all the local colleges and asked to receive in the mail their continued education catalouge, I get several every semester. It's fun to look at the classes they offer, but it's even more fun to take!
It might be a little late now, seeing as classes already started, but before the next school semester starts why don't you swing by your local college and get their Continued Education catalouge. You can play it real cool like "What do you say we take a class together?"
I don't have a lot of friends. However, all of the people I call friends today I've met in classes where I meet people with the same interests as me.
I love to study.
Go to some lectures, if there's a school near you. Most academic types like their wine and cheese, and (in my experience) usually devolve into somewhat of a pseudo-classy (I don't think college students will ever be classy) reception after.
I guess what I mean is that you should not feel bad for making your life happier, sometimes. There is compromise, and there is capitulation.
I think this has been tried. It's called stagnation, which is exactly what the OP wants to "move forward" from.
Just tell her it's a guys night only and she should understand and I imagine that she is clever enough to entertain herself for the three or four hours you are gone.
Just don't spring it on her 20 minutes before going out. Tell her the morning of and get some quality time in before running off with the boys.
Time apart is really important for a realtionship anyway. Even if it isn't to bitch and to tell everyone how blissfully happy you two are time apart in healthy doses can be a good thing.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't help encourage her to do some of these activities because I am sure you would enjoy it if your wife is a bit more independent, but I am sure she will survive you being gone one saturday evening every so often.
Satans..... hints.....
I know I should back off and let her find her own way, but I feel like I have to always untie her from the train tracks.
I feel guilty when I do this. I've gone out with my friends before, and when I mentioned it to her she said OK in that way that I know it wasn'tOK. Then she complained because I have my friends and family here while she has no one. And I almost explode. But I don't, because I know that I'm all she has here.
I honestly doubt that there is any ill will, here. Your wife isn't out with other guys; she isn't guilt-tripping you into not having a social life because she doesn't want you to have a social life, she's being "difficult" because she's scared shitless of 1) being left alone, and 2) "losing" you to your friends.
One of the things that happens when you get married is that your issues become hers, and vice-versa.
I don't think that putting your wife's happiness above your own is really enabling as much as simply showing immense compassion toward the person you have decided really really deserves that compassion from you.
You know what the issue is, and you also know (as best as possible) how to attempt to fix it. I believe that the last thing you want to do is to create a situation which causes discomfort and potential negative reactions for the sake of some sort of "guy's night" pissing contest. She isn't actively "smothering" you, but there are some real and apparent problems dependent on situation and location which are common to many people and have no real bearing on your relationship, at the core.
I mean, if I'm getting this all correct you have been happy. You just want to try to make her happier, in a way which requires your wife to step out of her comfort zone.
I think I wrote this before, but you and I sound very similar. It's not that we actively dislike spending time with our other-halves(and, in fact, we usually have a good time), but the problem is taking those first few steps to make an attempt at expanding (both your and) your wife's social circle.
My advice hasn't changed. Just start doing things. Lectures, animal shelters, library readings etc. all sound like a good first step. If this works, your wife will get a bit more comfortable each time, perhaps even to the point that she'll make some good friends long-term. You won't have a two-week success, but perhaps 6-12 months from now things will look wicked different.
EDIT: Letting her "find her own way" sounds like "letting her stay at home", as that is the choice that she had made. You're her husband, not her college boyfriend.
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At this stage you have to tell her that's unfair (though I can fully understand the want to explode part) tell her that you have suggested dozens of things for her to do.
You also need to point out that she has a lot more space than she does. She is home all day and is at her own schedule, I'm not saying stay at home wife is easy, but the fact of the matter is that there is significantly less work to do for her than what you do working a 40 hour week. It's nothing against her but you do need time to decompress away from her at times.
Satans..... hints.....
Rie and I had a nice talk, plus the weekend without Internet was pretty helpful. We've found the perfect solution: a per-diem job. That way, she can get out of the house but doesn't have to feel pressured with having a regular schedule, plus she'll still have plenty of time to work on her projects around the house. And, it's good for me cuz I might be able to bring my girlfriend over while Rie is out working.
Thanks for the help, people!
Wat.
Oh yeah. Ninja edit.