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Bad day
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I wish I could find the Karnaugh map for love.2^<3Registered User regular
I wish I could find the Karnaugh map for love.2^<3Registered User regular
So, today started out with me almost getting run over by some guy going over 35MPH at a crosswalk who then proceeded to yell at me. Little did I know that was just an appetizer for the steaming plate of shit this day had prepared for me.
Spoilered for wall of text:
Now this is where you come in...What else can I do to contain this situation and prevent sullying my image in the eyes of my professors? And also, if you couldn't already tell people take advantage of me regularly...What can I do to prevent future bullying?
Aside from this situation I feel people generally treat me like a doormat, and I don't want to go on a killing spree. Concerning my immediate safety I know that he has a high capacity for rage/violence, what should I do to prevent a fight with him and minimize the shittalking he would inevitably have with other people in my department?
And lastly, I am taking very challenging senior level classes this semester and really don't need any of this shit remotely on my mind...What can I do to relax and go back to focusing on my work? I now keep seeing him in the corner of my eyes wherever I go and it's quite disruptive to my concentration -- a scarce resource as projects and exams are speeding by me. Any advice is appreciated.
Spoilered for wall of text:
To give a little background, I moved in with a friend of mine and another guy to the apartment that I am currently at about a year ago. Everything went splendidly, we all got along together, cooked together, did homework together and it felt like I finally found people I get along with at my college. That was until said friend(let's call him Joe) girlfriend moved in. We stopped cooking together, doing homework together or to make long story short she basically was the Yoko Ono to our Beatles. Ever since she moved in Joe became really selfish and started complaining about the mess the other roommate allegedly produced. Joe had tried to create a rift between me and the other roommate by telling me bad things about him behind his back and constantly arguing with him with the help of his girlfriend.
Just so you get a sense of the peculiar living scenario, Joe's girlfriend moved in mid-semester, was not legally there nor was she signed on the lease. We just settled that they'd pay a little bit more rent for their upkeep. While all this was happening Joe was still in really good terms with me and even invited me to come live with his girlfriend to where they were planning on moving. He constantly lauded me for my cleanliness, my willingness to help him with his homework and the resources I provided to the apartment. I was very magnanimous in this relationship and even let his girlfriend borrow my laptop to do homework on cause I knew they had to share one between them.
I also spent countless hours helping him with school work and impending exams. Moreover, perhaps foolishly, I had purchased a rather cheap book that he needed for a class. Since the book wasn't very pricey and I needed it for a future class I couldn't see the harm in it.
In return he seemed like a genuine friend, his girlfriend and him even shared their food with me at times. So while our relationship was not great anymore it was still tolerable with a few redeeming moments. That was until he began showing his true face. The homework I was once willing to help him with, he now copied without my consent. The laptop I let his girlfriend borrow, he just started taking. And to pay back for the book I had bought him he reimbursed me with half the sum in change. When I confronted him on these counts he was very apologetic but I did not get the sense that he respected me enough not to screw me over again. So I figured, since the semester was almost over I might as well persevere and wait until they move out.
When summer break came I went back to my parent's house as I usually do. Before leaving I had made sure to leave no trace of myself in the house(Cleaning all the dishes, taking out my trash). One day I got an email from him complaining about the huge mess I had left. Not sure what he was talking about, I denied the allegations but as he kept harassing me doubt grew in my mind that he may be right. Even if this were the case, I had took out the communal trash out of the apartment many times and couldn't see what the harm if he'd do the same for me. When expressing this sentiment, his tone became more explicit as he began essentially baiting me into a flame war by threatening to kick me out of the apartment and using expletives he would not say to me in person to make his point. Since I feared for the fair amount of my possessions I kept in the apartment I had eventually capitulated to his demands and came to the apartment intent on clearing the air a bit. When I came I saw that while there was in fact a lot of trash, almost none of it was mine. I proceeded to take it out anyway as a diplomatic gesture while he decidedly not leave his room to talk to me.
Fastforward a month, he moves out and with him some stuff me and the other owned(amounting to $200+ dollars) and a pending internet bill he had no intention to pay. My other roommate sent him emails regarding the missing things and the bill to which he hasn't answered. Both my roommate and I flirted with the idea of going to the police but eventually decided that it's not worth the trouble.
Cut to beginning of this semester, both Joe and I are taking courses together. While there was no confrontation he had intentionally avoided me, and a palpable sense of awkwardness fills the room whenever we are together.
Today, we had our traditional departmental cookout to which I had volunteered to be the grillmaster. I had feared Joe might show up, but figured since he's so clearly in the wrong, once he saw me manning the grill he wouldn't dare stand in line for food. I was right, to an extent, but underestimated his gluttony. He waited until most people had gotten their food and it was basically just me standing in front of the grill. He then went around me and grabbed a hamburger I had set aside on a plate without saying anything. Shocked by the supposed nonchalant behavior he exhibited after stealing from me, screwing me over and then ostensibly ignoring me, I accused him of what he had done. This prompted a slew of yelling and threats, most of which were vague but enough to create a "scene" and make me fear he might do something irrational. Luckily, most of the faculty was gone by then but it still caused me a great deal of embarrassment to have this argument in front of most of the department. I realize it is my fault for it taking place there, but I just couldn't help myself after just seeing another roommate prior who screwed me over in similar circumstances.
After some yelling ensued he walked away and came back for another strafing run yelling and threatening the same things. After I finished cooking I decided to go with my other roommate to the campus police to file a formal complaint as he made enough explicit threats to make me worry for my safety. I went through the whole process, explaining my situation, to which the officer I had been assigned concluded he would have to talk to him to get his side of the story.
At this point I'm not concerned so much for the stuff he denies stealing as I am having to deal with him on a daily basis. I assume he would get a little scare once the police contacts him but I feel like my department which used to be somewhat of sanctuary is now tainted by this stupid altercation.
Just so you get a sense of the peculiar living scenario, Joe's girlfriend moved in mid-semester, was not legally there nor was she signed on the lease. We just settled that they'd pay a little bit more rent for their upkeep. While all this was happening Joe was still in really good terms with me and even invited me to come live with his girlfriend to where they were planning on moving. He constantly lauded me for my cleanliness, my willingness to help him with his homework and the resources I provided to the apartment. I was very magnanimous in this relationship and even let his girlfriend borrow my laptop to do homework on cause I knew they had to share one between them.
I also spent countless hours helping him with school work and impending exams. Moreover, perhaps foolishly, I had purchased a rather cheap book that he needed for a class. Since the book wasn't very pricey and I needed it for a future class I couldn't see the harm in it.
In return he seemed like a genuine friend, his girlfriend and him even shared their food with me at times. So while our relationship was not great anymore it was still tolerable with a few redeeming moments. That was until he began showing his true face. The homework I was once willing to help him with, he now copied without my consent. The laptop I let his girlfriend borrow, he just started taking. And to pay back for the book I had bought him he reimbursed me with half the sum in change. When I confronted him on these counts he was very apologetic but I did not get the sense that he respected me enough not to screw me over again. So I figured, since the semester was almost over I might as well persevere and wait until they move out.
When summer break came I went back to my parent's house as I usually do. Before leaving I had made sure to leave no trace of myself in the house(Cleaning all the dishes, taking out my trash). One day I got an email from him complaining about the huge mess I had left. Not sure what he was talking about, I denied the allegations but as he kept harassing me doubt grew in my mind that he may be right. Even if this were the case, I had took out the communal trash out of the apartment many times and couldn't see what the harm if he'd do the same for me. When expressing this sentiment, his tone became more explicit as he began essentially baiting me into a flame war by threatening to kick me out of the apartment and using expletives he would not say to me in person to make his point. Since I feared for the fair amount of my possessions I kept in the apartment I had eventually capitulated to his demands and came to the apartment intent on clearing the air a bit. When I came I saw that while there was in fact a lot of trash, almost none of it was mine. I proceeded to take it out anyway as a diplomatic gesture while he decidedly not leave his room to talk to me.
Fastforward a month, he moves out and with him some stuff me and the other owned(amounting to $200+ dollars) and a pending internet bill he had no intention to pay. My other roommate sent him emails regarding the missing things and the bill to which he hasn't answered. Both my roommate and I flirted with the idea of going to the police but eventually decided that it's not worth the trouble.
Cut to beginning of this semester, both Joe and I are taking courses together. While there was no confrontation he had intentionally avoided me, and a palpable sense of awkwardness fills the room whenever we are together.
Today, we had our traditional departmental cookout to which I had volunteered to be the grillmaster. I had feared Joe might show up, but figured since he's so clearly in the wrong, once he saw me manning the grill he wouldn't dare stand in line for food. I was right, to an extent, but underestimated his gluttony. He waited until most people had gotten their food and it was basically just me standing in front of the grill. He then went around me and grabbed a hamburger I had set aside on a plate without saying anything. Shocked by the supposed nonchalant behavior he exhibited after stealing from me, screwing me over and then ostensibly ignoring me, I accused him of what he had done. This prompted a slew of yelling and threats, most of which were vague but enough to create a "scene" and make me fear he might do something irrational. Luckily, most of the faculty was gone by then but it still caused me a great deal of embarrassment to have this argument in front of most of the department. I realize it is my fault for it taking place there, but I just couldn't help myself after just seeing another roommate prior who screwed me over in similar circumstances.
After some yelling ensued he walked away and came back for another strafing run yelling and threatening the same things. After I finished cooking I decided to go with my other roommate to the campus police to file a formal complaint as he made enough explicit threats to make me worry for my safety. I went through the whole process, explaining my situation, to which the officer I had been assigned concluded he would have to talk to him to get his side of the story.
At this point I'm not concerned so much for the stuff he denies stealing as I am having to deal with him on a daily basis. I assume he would get a little scare once the police contacts him but I feel like my department which used to be somewhat of sanctuary is now tainted by this stupid altercation.
Now this is where you come in...What else can I do to contain this situation and prevent sullying my image in the eyes of my professors? And also, if you couldn't already tell people take advantage of me regularly...What can I do to prevent future bullying?
Aside from this situation I feel people generally treat me like a doormat, and I don't want to go on a killing spree. Concerning my immediate safety I know that he has a high capacity for rage/violence, what should I do to prevent a fight with him and minimize the shittalking he would inevitably have with other people in my department?
And lastly, I am taking very challenging senior level classes this semester and really don't need any of this shit remotely on my mind...What can I do to relax and go back to focusing on my work? I now keep seeing him in the corner of my eyes wherever I go and it's quite disruptive to my concentration -- a scarce resource as projects and exams are speeding by me. Any advice is appreciated.
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I divided it where it seemed like a good idea.
/good deed!
edit: ah well, I was close
Same thing with whiners, they know it's annoying, but it works.
what a superbly poor piece of advice well done
You can't change who he is. However, you can change how you behave around him, and react to him. Also, it may be difficult to stand your ground, but sometimes you have to do it. It's not really about right or wrong, or good or bad. You are allowed to have an opinion, particularly if it is justified. If you didn't leave a mess, and he asks you to clean it up, then you say, "It is not my mess, I am not going to clean it up." And if he wants to make a big scene out of it or threaten you or your possessions, then call his bluff. Tell him that he will be breaking the law, violating your rights, invading your personal space, and essentially destroying any chance at having a civil relationship all for the sake of trash that isn't yours. Chances are he'll back down or at least try to be more reasonable (i.e., the other roommate will be called in, who will say the mess isn't his, and then it will become readily apparent what the truth is, so he will either need to back down or blatantly lie to both his roommates, showing his true colors).
But like I said, at the end of the day, this is really more about you than it is about him. He's a douchebag. Congratulations - you'll meet many more as you proceed through life. There are things you can do like making sure a third party is present, not putting yourself in situations where you can see yourself being taken advantage of, not being so initially generous so precedent for abuse isn't set early, etc. etc. etc. However, at the end of the day you're going to have to learn how to adjust your own behavior so that you are not taken advantage of. You shouldn't have to feel like your own kindness is a handicap that will lead you down a path of abuse from others. It is perfectly possible to be kind while being able to tell assholes to suck it when they go too far. That's really all there is to it.
For any professors you know were there during the yelling AND want to use as a reference or will be teaching you this year, you could just stop by their office a do a quick apology for the "scene". And do that ASAP if you decide that is a good choice, and only in person.
I don't need to add more information about jerks than what has been said already.
I think inquisitor nailed it on the head , but I actually did stand my ground for a while and was quite assertive with my opinions as I usually am. But when people escalate it to the next level, I usually give up because I feel it is no longer worth my energy to fight with them.
Additionally, I still have hope that most people have a basic sense of decency to realize when they have done something wrong and that a little diplomacy can help facilitate that. When he sent me the threatening emails I sent him an email back drawing him the big picture of the situation and why what he was doing was unjustified. He actually responded to that very well with a reconciliatory email. I felt this was a triumphant moment in my career as a diplomat. So to further demonstrate that a relationship could not be reduced to literally, garbage, I went to the apartment to see what he was talking about.
I think he didn't leave his room mostly because he was embarrassed, and I later heard from his friends that he felt bad and thought I was mad at him. Remember, this person used to be a genuine friend of mine for a year before I moved in. These situations are very confusing to me as the person taking advantage of me always maintains a semblance of decency.
It's this type predicament I find difficult to navigate. I also don't think it is right to downright vilify him. I can see the stress he was going through, moving out, getting a new job etc. The stuff he took was probably out of his inability to sit down with the other roommate(they were not talking at that point) and figure out what he's allowed to take and what he's not.
It's not that I'm dumb and I can't tell when someone is screwing me over. It's just that I feel like if I could get them to see the world the way I do they would refrain from doing so. Am I crazy for feeling I could empathize with all of that?
errr... yes.
quit being a damn doormat. People will only stop walking all over you when you stop letting them.
Step 1: learn to yell nonsensical obscenities right back at them.... the dude that almost ran you over in the crosswalk? he would've heard my entire vocabulary of interestingly combined four letter words and drove away in fear
For example, it would've been much less energy for you to, say, not have done anything with regards to the garbage. You already expressed your opinion in the matter multiple times, so there was no reason for you to clean up shit that wasn't yours just to "stop arguing". There's another way to stop arguing. For example, by not talking at all. Wow. Big epiphany there.
I do find it funny that you're justifying his douchebag behavior with regards to the stuff by saying that, "He's stressed out because he couldn't talk to the other roommate because the other roommate doesn't talk to him anymore." I'm guessing your roommate is taking that approach because, well, the first roommate is a douchebag. So he avoids getting into stupid shit with the guy by just not talking to him. As opposed to, say, being his bitch and cleaning up shit that isn't his.
Also, I'm going to take a page from Kant and say that everyone agreeing that you are a douchebag pretty much makes it an objective fact that you are a douchebag. Don't excuse douchebag behavior by pointing out that no one likes to talk to douchebags.
Again, I'm not trying to vilify the guy. Like I said, this is more about you than it is him. Stop being a pushover, and maybe you won't have to deal with his stupid shit anymore. Be civil, voice your opinion, and if he tries to be an ass, point out that asinine behavior will not resolve the situation. If he continues with it, or does that thing where he tries to apologize while still expecting you to do what he wants, then call him out on that, too.
You might want to consider that what you're doing looks an awful lot like the beaten wife saying, "He doesn't mean to hit me, he just has been having a tough time lately."
The actions you're attributing to him and listing in this thread sound a lot like abuse. If some random guy started treating your girlfriend/kid/mom like that, would you just suck it up or would you say, "WTF? How about you leave them the hell alone or I will get your ass evicted/thrown in jail/taken to small claims court?" Rather than thinking of it in an "it isn't worth my energy to fight this" kind of way, think of it in an Ender Wiggin way: If you don't end this, it won't stop.
So why do you admit that you're a doormat and then a post later talk about how you plan to be a doormat to try to avoid the situation?
Time to step up, call shit as it is, and stop rolling over for this jackass. He acts like a prick because he knows you'll "play along" to "get it over with."
Wow, don't ever get married.
Seriously though, it sounds like it is worth your energy to fight the good fight on this one if it a) is bothering you as much as it appears to be and b) he actually took property and owes you money for bills. The problem isn't going to go away unless you address it and see it through to a conclusion.
...
No you don't need to sit there and smile. No you don't need to "just play along". Tell your side of the story, be assertive.
No they don't.
Nothing wrong with this sentiment; except when you use it to justify not standing up for yourself, not being assertive and not getting your side of the story known. I think you are just using this viewpoint to justify your acting like a doormat.
You fell into the same trap a lot of dudes fall into in college. Bunch of dudes become friends, said dudes decide to all live together, life is awesome. Then one dude gets a girlfriend who because of her own roommates or whatever decides to spend her entire existence at your place, using your toilet paper, bitching about your bathrooms, and ruling the house like a king while actively cutting the guy off from his other roommates. I don't know if this ever happens to female groups of friends, but in my experience this is a common scenario for guys.
Best bet is to just let it go. You're obviously not friends anymore, no need to make a scene about this anymore, just move on with your life and don't get stuck in the drama. I don't know if the 200 dollars is worth your time, but were it me I'd just write the whole thing off. You may feel like a doormat, but I think you may bring part of it on yourself. For instance the burger incident? Should have just let it go, or had you seen Joe in the crowd, invited him on over for a burger thus diffusing the situation and making you look like the big man. Instead you waited until he sneakily tried to grab a burger and then instigated a scene where he had no choice but to make a huge deal out of it to save his pride.
You'll never get people to see things how you see them, but you can state your opinions clearly and stand by them, and always be willing to admit you're wrong when you are. Stick by that and you'll never be a doormat, and you'll be respected too.
I've also realized that most people around me, including my "friends", while not directly screwing me like said roommate, do these little snipings at my expense.
To give a few examples, they patronize me when I ask for help but expect me to be completely gracious when reciprocating. In social functions of any type, people often jump on any opportunity to make me look foolish and if there isn't anything readily available they try to generate one. An incredibly cheap move for example is when they make fun of my slight accent and take it for just mispronouncing words even though I never pull that card.
I can't understand why most people my age (20+) are so hostile all the time. It's like the only way they feel good about themselves is by bringing me down a peg. But, I found either having a snappy retort or just plain out putting someone on the spot and just asking "Why are you being a dick?", does magic in terms of getting people to leave you alone. I guess I just don't understand the mentality so it often it takes me a while to even realize the person is screwing me over. And when I do my reaction is always "why is this person forcing me to be mean to him now", as I don't enjoy this fencing back and forth. Because I can be mean back, but it is often forced and doesn't give me any satisfaction.
Similarly, the time to tell your bullshit roommate that he was out of line was the very moment that he stepped out of line. Not after umpteen second chances, not after kowtowing to his pissant demands under the illusion of diplomacy, and certainly not after letting him rip you off yet leaving it unaddressed.
You flipped out because you had all of this built up. The best you can hope for now is to learn from it.
And I'm guessing you were homeschooled. It sucks trying to figure all of this shit out, but don't be afraid to make a few mistakes along the way.
If anything I would say I grew out of that crap, and find that this behavior is a lot less prevalent in older crowds I hang out with where people tend to be more patient and receptive. Don't confuse sniping with banter. One is for the sake of fun and strengthening a sense of mutual comfort with one another while the other is just a zero-sum game.
An example would be if you let someone take a bite of your food and made a snarky remark along the lines of "Okay. just leave me some too!" as opposed to "You know you're really fat, I should probably not enable your poor dieting habits". From these two, I encounter more of the latter...
It's pretty apparent when someone is making a friendly dig and when someone just wants to feel smarter by disrespecting your opinions.