The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Alcohol addiction (please lock thread)
Nataneko
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, we like to drink (maybe once every 2 weeks, sometime more, sometime less, on average we have a beer or 2 each) and I tought all was fine on that side. I don't want to go on too much details, unless you feel like you really need to know to give some advice. But yesterday after I went to sleep, he continued to drink. a lot. at about 3am,he got sick, so I wake up and we start talking, I realise he is not feeling well, at all. So we talk and talk and talk. And he thinks he has an alcohol addiction.
He has been talking about quitting a couple of time, but I didn't take it seriously, because he didn't look like he was drinking too much. But he was hiding the fact he sometime went to the bar alone or stuff like that. Didn't want to tell anyone because he is ashamed. Anyway. I want to help him. yesterday, we emptied every beer we had in the sink, and I'm throwing every alcohol I have. What else can I do?
He has been talking about quitting a couple of time, but I didn't take it seriously, because he didn't look like he was drinking too much. But he was hiding the fact he sometime went to the bar alone or stuff like that. Didn't want to tell anyone because he is ashamed. Anyway. I want to help him. yesterday, we emptied every beer we had in the sink, and I'm throwing every alcohol I have. What else can I do?
Nataneko on
0
Posts
Get away from friends and family members who drink and stay away from situations where drinking is acceptable.
Remember that you will always be an alcoholic.
Join a support group
And finally, get at what is causing the alcoholism in the first place. Most alcoholics are self-medicating to cover up depression and anxiety problems.
Agreed. Try your best to get him to open up to you and tell you what is really on his mind. Also suggest to him to see a therapist to help get his problems of his chest.
There's a good chance he is trying to escape his problems/reality by drinking himself into a stupour, try to help him deal with those problems and he won't need a reason to cloud his mind.
cause I'm reading this as "once every 2 weeks we both drink a small amount, my boyfriend stayed up and drank himself sick the last time we did it. this was the only time he did it"
if thats the case, he definitly is not addicted and you may want to ask him what made him drink so heavily this one time. Or, if he really thinks he's an alchoholic, how many times a week he drinks.
cause alchoholics drink daily not once every 2 weeks.
Trust me, as a bartender and someone who knows actual people with problems, your boyfriend is just fine.
Besides, the guy wants to stop, give him advice on that, not reasons to rationalize away being an alcoholic.
Regardless, helping him get every feeling he has off his chest will help a great deal, if only to put the problem in perspective.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
I walk across the street to my neighborhood bar and drink by myself once or twice a week. It doesn't make me an alcoholic. :P
Uh oh! Someone's in denial! :P
@OP: I think just talking to your boyfriend and letting him know you're there for him is a good first step. Let him know that he doesn't need to be ashamed if he goes out by himself and gets drunk. Hopefully if he knows he can trust you and go to you for help that he won't try to hide it.
You still haven't read the OP? She says her boyfriend admits to having a problem and to drinking too much. He also admits being incapable of putting a stop to it.
And now you're going all "HE'S FINE! I do something completely different, ergo: he's fine!"
No. He is not fine.
--
OP: alcoholism is very rough, I'd advise against trying to solve it between the two of you. If he can afford it he should talk this over with his GP or a qualified therapist. There is no reason why you should carry this alone.
Gee I can't be an alcoholic, I only drink in the evenings.
Gee I can't be an alcoholic, I only drink on weekends
Gee I can't be an alcoholic, I only drink beer(Yes, some people actually think that)
Gee I can't be an alcoholic, I'm never drunk at work.
Alcoholics can't control their drinking. They drink not just because they want to, but because they feel they need to. Yes, a lot of alcoholics drink daily, or are constantly drunk, but an alcoholic isn't someone who drinks daily, it's someone for whom alcohol creates problems and they can't control it.
There are plenty of non-alcoholics who drink daily. There are plenty of alcoholics who drink only on weekend.
For that matter, to the op, "Going to a bar alone" is also not a big thing. The questions shouldn't be how often he drinks or how much he drinks, but why he drinks. Does he drink because he likes the feeling of being drunk? To drink socially? If it's because he has to, and he can't stop drinking or drink in moderation, then yeah, there's probably a problem. But if he doesn't have a problem drinking in moderation, drinks just because he wants to, all that... then yeah that's not a problem.
My dad's a private practice psychologist, and one of his coworkers works a lot with alcoholics. I talked to him once about it, because I work with a lot of heavy drinkers. He said the biggest thing he looks for with determining alcoholism is if their drinking creates problems for them. Not how often, not how much, not what they drink, but if it creates problems for them.
So basically... does it create problems for him? If so he should probably talk to someone. If not... if he wants he can talk to someone, but it's probably not alcoholism.
There's this thing called being a hypochondriac. That would be my guess. Honestly, from my years of experience I severely doubt the OPs boyfriend has a problem. But hey, if he wants to go get help, more power to him.
EDIT: Also, what "problems" is his drinking causing? Missing work? Spending too much money? Hurting his friends? This hasn't been elaborated on.
The problems pointed at in the OP are: lying to everyone including his girlfriend and family and feeling like shit over drinking [in his eyes] too much.
You don't know him that well either yet you're willing to diagnose him as an alcoholic?
I hardly call not mentioning that he drinks alone here and there "lying" or a problem.
Does it really matter either way if he himself has a problem with it and wants to change?
All the OP needs to know is to support his decisions, including if he decides it actually wasn't a problem and can drink responsibly.
Chances are, if he really were an alcoholic, he wouldn't know it - or wouldn't admit it.
My ex-wife is an alcoholic - one of the primary reasons for our divorce (she refused to get help).
Try getting him to go to an AA meeting or something, and possibly go with him if he feels comfortable with that. Having the support of family members and close friends is always nice in situations like this and I'm sure he'll appreciate it.
Edit: grammar
Not true, hypochondria can be a dangerous thing, Treating a disease you don't have, whether mental or physical, can be just as dangerous as actually having the disease in a lot of cases.
Well shit lady maybe you should work on that while you're at it.
It doesn't sound that bad though - I think the best way to know when you have a drinking problem is "When the cost of the drink is more than the cost of the drink itself."
Try to avoid interacting with friends who will pressure him to drink, and watch his bank statement and get receipts when he goes shopping so you can see if he's drinking that way if you really want to get nosy.
Not in this one.
This is a matter of great debate and I personally do not subscribe to the notion in the slightest. Some people may have personality problems which are not, or only extremely difficultly, addressable and they will have difficulties with using all substances in a non-abusive way for their entire life. Your boyfriend may or may not be one of them.
If he thinks he has a problem, he has a problem and should seek whatever treatment or support system he thinks will work best for him. What is essential is that he determines the causes of his problem and address them, rather than simply seek support in quitting alcohol entirely while neglecting to fix the issue which caused him to turn to drink in the first place. Personal therapy worked wonders for me. Group therapy or even a religious option might work best for him. Your first move, of course, should be to stop drinking with him entirely.
Just remember that alcoholics anonymous does not have a monopoly on the definition of alcohol abuse and addiction or on effective treatment for people suffering from them. (nor is their plan universally effective) There are loads of other excellent options, including individual therapy.
It's why people are wanting more information.
For example he might get drunk once every two weeks but make an absolute tool of himself. That's a problem for sure but not alcoholism. Sometimes when I'm alone I really enjoy just having the house to myself and drinking a few beers. I don't do it because I'm lonely and I don't do it all the time, I just do it because it's enjoyable.
As someone said though drinking because he feels alone and worthless is a problem. No doubt. If you remove the reason why he needs to do this then he should stop his problem with drinking. Encourage him to seek professional help.
Satans..... hints.....
Depends how it's treated.
Like other's have said, the first thing I'd suggest your BF do is join a support group. He'll learn lots.
<Qs23> I just need to get my dicks in a row
<prox> i work for dicks
#paforums_pax, all about the dicks.
It seems the main thing is he lack of self-worth. Fixing that will (most likely) fix the alcohol problem. Some questions you should ask yourself (and him) are, does he have goals in life, a job, a vision for what the future should be, and generally, prospect in life?
A lack of selfworth also suggests that he might be depressed, the actual condition he might be medicating with booze. So, the general advice of kicking oneself in the butt and doing things, making plans and moving forward with life apply. Also, physical exercise may help a lot, and a healthy diet (if not already there). If he truly drinks a lot, vitamin deficiency might be an issue, causing all sorts of nasty meotional problems, so take some good supplements too.
Finally, professional help is a good idea. However, seeking religious and/or social groups requires some caution. That is, your BF is evidently at a vulnerable point in his life, and not all of the aforementioned groups have pure motives.
*: I am however also of the opinion that is he thinks he has a problem, he has one. The solution may be different from what he thinks it should be, and the same for the problem, but I cannot judge that.
If you want something close to good advice, you need to answer the questions raised.
I am, too, unconvinced that there's an issue besides being stupid once. This is due to the fact that the OP and the above thread do not mention patterned destructive behavior, only a single event backed up by what sounds like a pretty tame drinking pattern.
Please, is your boyfriend drinking more than 2-3 times a week? Weeknights? Before the sun goes down? Is he drinking for specific reasons (to deal with shit) or does he just not stop?
Honestly. I've struggled with a mostly under control habit for a while now, and you need to give us more than a single night if you want advice. If your boyfriend really feels he has an issue, send him to talk to a therapist.
There is insufficient evidence to justify this statement. It's made by Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), who are a dangerous group indeed.
AA pretends to have great solutions, but they don't publish their methodology in peer-reviewed journals. In fact, if you want to have a better chance of being CURED of an addiction, you generally need the following:
12-step programs actually promote addiction by forcing you to constantly consider yourself to be an addict who hasn't had a drink recently, rather than a person who used to have a mental health problem.
Well... I'd be leery of this, too. Make sure that you hang around with the right friends, and make THAT your support group.
The percentage of people who end their alcoholic behaviour from AA is very low - lower than therapy, if the numbers I recall are correct. Find a decent psychologist and spend some time modifying your behaviour and examining its causes, if you want to change.
Having said all that: recognising that you have a problem is a big part of getting help. Congratulations to the OP's boyfriend for it.
There isn't enough lime in the world.
The best anyone can really get is an AA success rate of around 5%, and I believe this was from a "dug-up" internal report done by AA themselves in 1989.
Success rate for those of us (like me) who believe that AA is destructive bullcrap and who use professional therapy/sheer force of will? around 5%.
I still don't hear any evidence other than that this guy went overboard one night and was subsequently a drunken mess. I mean, there would be a lot more alcoholics if that were the case.
EDIT: Also, screw that. I'm not an alcoholic. I quit, and now I drink responsibly. There's a bigger world than the AA stranglehold on what is arguably the nations biggest substance abuse issue.
ME TOO. I think that's what the kids say when they agree with a forum post.
If somebody asked the following questions, I missed it.
1) Why did he drink so much the other night?
2) Why does he go to bars alone?
3) Why does he feel like he has to hide it?
I'm not a big fan of focusing too much on the drug of addiction. I've seen too many people quit one drug just to pick up another, or quit drinking and become sex addicts, or quit drinking and simply become insufferable irritable assholes 24/7, because they didn't do any real introspection to determine why they drank or did drugs.
It might be that he's depressed. It might be that he's stressed. It might be that he has poor coping skills. It might be that he's got anxiety. It might be that he just has poor impulse control. But ideally he should be figuring out where the undesirable behavior (drinking too much and too often) comes from and attack the root causes of it.
Also, ChrisTOTG's post is solid gold.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Around here, we use lime. Hell of a first post :^:
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
they'll let you live with a problem if your addiction is not too terrible and they'll prevent you from having a healthy relationship with alcohol in the future, but they won't kill anyone, and they save more than a fair few lives.
AA is an excellent option for some people. From what I've heard your boyfriend doesn't sound like one of them.
This is really debatable, but I agree that AA certainly doesn't seem right in this case.
AA helps people. It also crushes peoples' spirits to the point where their self-worth is so shot by the whole "I'm an asshole who will always be an asshole" philosophy that doesn't actually address the psychological issues surrounding substance abuse. I know more than a few people who drank for a long time, went to AA and quit drinking. Now they're barely functional because they were never given any support beyond "We're all assholes, "higher-power" save me!"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcohol_withdrawal_syndrome
Alcohol withdraw is serious business (it can kill you).
If you and he honestly think he is an alcoholic then go to a proper doctor, detoxification center and/or rehabilitation center. Don't fuck around with this. Do not go to some hippy group therapy, church, 12 steps program or other bullshit. If he is truly an alcoholic he will require proper medical treatment.
Having said that, there is a big difference between "feeling guilty for indulging more then you think you should" (which is just a lack of self-control) and "full blow alcoholism" (which has very pronounced physiological effects).
In regards to AA; I would suggest you do some research first on it's effectiveness. Some people debate it's effectiveness/usefulness. Secondly, if you do decide to go that route; it's not substitute for proper medical treatment. 12 steps comes after that (if at all).
Please do not scare-monger.
I'm not scare mongering. I stated in the start of my post that I thought they were over reacting; but since they know the situation better them me AND if they truly thinks he is an alcoholic then he should be talking to a doctor, not an online forum since there can be dangerous health complications.
How long as he been sober?
All I've heard so far is once every two weeks and he got really plastered one night, which turned into sometimes he drinks alone (how often? How much does he drink?).
I have no trouble talking about my problem and telling details of my personnal life, but I don't feel at ease at all discussing his trouble at depth here. Some of you have raised interesting questions, and we are working on the answer, but I don't want to share them here. So I'd like the thread closed because I think I've got the most tools I can get to help him without going in depth about a life that is not mine.