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Old friend has returned, unsure what I want
Drakenhawk
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I met a guy, whom we’ll call James, when I worked at a retail store. He’d come in weekly with his family and while they shopped he and I would spend time talking about video games (I worked in electronics.) We became really good friends and pretty soon he was a regular part of the group.
During the years of our friendship James would occasionally fall for a girl and abandon our group for a while, but he always came back. My friends and I would get annoyed, but we’d get over it and things would go back to normal until the next girl. This also occasionally happened when James would meet a new friend. Drop off the face of the earth for 3-4 months, and then come back. Again, we (as a group and individually) would express the concern this caused, and asked him to at least remember to call us once in a while. To clarify, when he would do this, we’d loose ALL communication from him, no calls, e-mails, nothing. Annoying, but just a particular personality trait.
At one point, my wife and I went through a lot of problems, and James blamed her for a lot of our troubles and shunned her. My wife and I eventually separated and I moved into another friend’s apartment. This friend was moving out shortly and I eventually took over on the lease (landlord was a nice guy who mostly cared that the rent was paid on time.) Not long after, James, his wife, and their newborn needed a place to stay. So I invited them in (2 bedroom, plenty of room for all). Eventually my wife and I attempted to reconcile so I left the place to James.
Sadly the problems with the wife were deeper than we could deal with (at that time) so after a year and a half of trying, we separated (again) with intent to divorce (we didn’t, we’re happy.) James and his wife took me back and all seemed well. When my brother (17) came to visit, circumstances (problems back home with our parents) arose that all agreed it was best for him to stay with us. So at this point there were 3 adults (James, his wife and I) one teen (my brother) and one infant (their child) living in a 2 bedroom apartment. When I came back my old room had become their kid’s room, and I took a storage/half bedroom. So my brother slept on the couch. Crowded, but it seemed we could deal.
Then James had another kid on the way. And this is where our friendship soured and eventually broke. I had a low income, so I was just making enough to pay my half of the rent and take care of food for my brother and I (he went back to school to get his GED, and was having problems getting work as a minor). James had landed a job with the local cable company as an installer, and was making pretty good money. So with the next kid on the way, we all agreed that the apartment we were at was going to be too small and crowded. So we went apartment/house hunting. All throughout this my brother and I were told that we were going to be moving with them.
Turns out, James eventually found the best place for his family, not so much for my brother and me. When I was just worrying about taking care of myself, my income was plenty. Now without someone paying half the rent, I started struggling. My brother scrambled to find a job, but being in school, underage, and me not being recognized as a legal guardian, it wasn’t happening (for those who ask why wasn’t he helping financially.) As James moved out, things really fell apart. I felt betrayed so I didn’t offer to help unless I was asked (and James wouldn’t ask because he felt a friend should offer to help without being asked.) Arguments broke out over stupid petty shit (like power adapters for the un-grounded power outlets, a purchase of a whopping 48 cents at the hardware store.)
James and I were both too proud and stubborn to back off from our positions, and as a result our friendship pretty much died a slow death. Slow because there were half-hearted attempts to get together and hang out, and even one final attempt to reconcile after my wife and I got back together and life seemed to be turning around for me.
But in the end I wrote him off as someone I never wanted to be friends with anymore. He achieved a good life that he seemed happy with, and we never talked again.
So where my problem comes in is within the last month James has joined Facebook. But Drakenhawk, you all say, just ignore him. I wish I could. I had thought I had put him behind me and was done with the whole thing, but he has returned, in a way, to my circle of friends. He has be-friended so many people that I know, that not a day will go by with-out seeing his name. He even be-friended my wife (who has a heart of gold and is willing to give everyone a third, fourth, fifth chance.)
We all live in the same city area, but it’s big enough that I never have to see him if I don’t care too.
So I’m still holding a grudge, and the hurt and sense of betrayal is still there. It once again feels like he is returning after finding a new friend. But I don’t know how to get over these feelings or even if I want to.
So I ask you, regulars of Help and Advice, what would you do? This was a once very close and personal friend, who I don’t know if I want to risk the friendship again. It only hurts so much because I secretly do want his friendship again, right? I don’t know, and most of my other friends don’t know what to say either.
Pre-post edit: Talked to one of my friends who shed a little insight. Her perspective is that James and I were very close friends, and that’s why I’m having trouble letting go. It seems to her that he’s willing to let bygones be bygones, but perhaps there’s just too much baggage for that too happen. (Yes it took her saying what I typed in the previous paragraph for me to see this. This is why I’m posting; I’m way too close to this to have an objective outlook at the problem.)
TL: DR Old friend and I stop being friends. Life carries on until he pops on Facebook and wants to act like old times.
During the years of our friendship James would occasionally fall for a girl and abandon our group for a while, but he always came back. My friends and I would get annoyed, but we’d get over it and things would go back to normal until the next girl. This also occasionally happened when James would meet a new friend. Drop off the face of the earth for 3-4 months, and then come back. Again, we (as a group and individually) would express the concern this caused, and asked him to at least remember to call us once in a while. To clarify, when he would do this, we’d loose ALL communication from him, no calls, e-mails, nothing. Annoying, but just a particular personality trait.
At one point, my wife and I went through a lot of problems, and James blamed her for a lot of our troubles and shunned her. My wife and I eventually separated and I moved into another friend’s apartment. This friend was moving out shortly and I eventually took over on the lease (landlord was a nice guy who mostly cared that the rent was paid on time.) Not long after, James, his wife, and their newborn needed a place to stay. So I invited them in (2 bedroom, plenty of room for all). Eventually my wife and I attempted to reconcile so I left the place to James.
Sadly the problems with the wife were deeper than we could deal with (at that time) so after a year and a half of trying, we separated (again) with intent to divorce (we didn’t, we’re happy.) James and his wife took me back and all seemed well. When my brother (17) came to visit, circumstances (problems back home with our parents) arose that all agreed it was best for him to stay with us. So at this point there were 3 adults (James, his wife and I) one teen (my brother) and one infant (their child) living in a 2 bedroom apartment. When I came back my old room had become their kid’s room, and I took a storage/half bedroom. So my brother slept on the couch. Crowded, but it seemed we could deal.
Then James had another kid on the way. And this is where our friendship soured and eventually broke. I had a low income, so I was just making enough to pay my half of the rent and take care of food for my brother and I (he went back to school to get his GED, and was having problems getting work as a minor). James had landed a job with the local cable company as an installer, and was making pretty good money. So with the next kid on the way, we all agreed that the apartment we were at was going to be too small and crowded. So we went apartment/house hunting. All throughout this my brother and I were told that we were going to be moving with them.
Turns out, James eventually found the best place for his family, not so much for my brother and me. When I was just worrying about taking care of myself, my income was plenty. Now without someone paying half the rent, I started struggling. My brother scrambled to find a job, but being in school, underage, and me not being recognized as a legal guardian, it wasn’t happening (for those who ask why wasn’t he helping financially.) As James moved out, things really fell apart. I felt betrayed so I didn’t offer to help unless I was asked (and James wouldn’t ask because he felt a friend should offer to help without being asked.) Arguments broke out over stupid petty shit (like power adapters for the un-grounded power outlets, a purchase of a whopping 48 cents at the hardware store.)
James and I were both too proud and stubborn to back off from our positions, and as a result our friendship pretty much died a slow death. Slow because there were half-hearted attempts to get together and hang out, and even one final attempt to reconcile after my wife and I got back together and life seemed to be turning around for me.
But in the end I wrote him off as someone I never wanted to be friends with anymore. He achieved a good life that he seemed happy with, and we never talked again.
So where my problem comes in is within the last month James has joined Facebook. But Drakenhawk, you all say, just ignore him. I wish I could. I had thought I had put him behind me and was done with the whole thing, but he has returned, in a way, to my circle of friends. He has be-friended so many people that I know, that not a day will go by with-out seeing his name. He even be-friended my wife (who has a heart of gold and is willing to give everyone a third, fourth, fifth chance.)
We all live in the same city area, but it’s big enough that I never have to see him if I don’t care too.
So I’m still holding a grudge, and the hurt and sense of betrayal is still there. It once again feels like he is returning after finding a new friend. But I don’t know how to get over these feelings or even if I want to.
So I ask you, regulars of Help and Advice, what would you do? This was a once very close and personal friend, who I don’t know if I want to risk the friendship again. It only hurts so much because I secretly do want his friendship again, right? I don’t know, and most of my other friends don’t know what to say either.
Pre-post edit: Talked to one of my friends who shed a little insight. Her perspective is that James and I were very close friends, and that’s why I’m having trouble letting go. It seems to her that he’s willing to let bygones be bygones, but perhaps there’s just too much baggage for that too happen. (Yes it took her saying what I typed in the previous paragraph for me to see this. This is why I’m posting; I’m way too close to this to have an objective outlook at the problem.)
TL: DR Old friend and I stop being friends. Life carries on until he pops on Facebook and wants to act like old times.
Drakenhawk on
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Anyways ya sucks that he chose to suit his families needs over you, he probably had his reasons. Are you better off now because of it? if so then forgive the guy.
You can't really hold it against him, yeah you got screwed, but such is life. He should not have to add stress to no only his life, but his wife and 2 kids just to keep you happy. I'm sorry but that's selfish and your grudge is petty.
He seems ready to be friend again, and you seem to be doing fine. Yeah you bitched each other out for the end of your last friendship, but that happens. Get some beers and laugh about it, he was a good friend, he can probably still be a good friend.
If he's a good guy to spend time with, spend the time. You've gotten involved in each others lives and that didn't work out too well, so don't cross that line again.
And I agree with everyone, family first. But my brother and I were constantly told that the focus was on finding a bigger place. If it had been said at some point that they were not interested in keeping the same living arrangements, then I would still have been upset, but would have gotten over it.
Part of our friendship was shared styles of living, like avoidance of confrontation. So at some point I'm sure he had the conversation with his wife that was along the lines of, "We really need to take care of our family. Drakenhawk and his brother will have to figure out how to get along on their own."
But it felt like I wasn't told until they found a place.
Just treat it as an acquantance, and dont get too butt hurt if he doesnt call for a while, just enjoy it when you are togehter, and forget about it otherwise.
I could understand feelings of frustration if he kept making and breaking plans, but that isnt what you described at all.
MWO: Adamski
At the end of the day, either you can get over it or you can't. I'm not going to tell you that you should try your best to do so because I've been in a similar situation, and I'm not really interested in ever talking to a guy that I was once really good friends with.
It isn't hard on facebook to just ignore the guy. Don't friend him, don't respond to messages, etc. If you see him often enough in social situations that it's uncomfortable for you, the best thing is to talk to your mutual friends and just say, you know, I love you guys but James and I don't really get along. They should be understanding enough not to put you in situations where it'll be hugely uncomfortabel (i.e. hanging out in small groups.)
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
Oh there has been plenty of that. Lot of history, but it's considered rude to crit-textwall the folks you're asking help from, so I condensed to what I hope was relevant.
However, I think I'll open avenues of discussion, but avoid or decline hanging out. Who knows, maybe he just wants to talk to old friends and little else.
I agree that my grudges sound petty (when in light of family vs friend they are) but as I said, we were, in my eyes, family. Maybe I put more into it than he did, so I'll keep it in mind and try not to cross that line.
Again, thanks for the insight and opinions.
This guy lead you to believe he was apartment hunting for a place for all of you, and then didn't tell you until he found a place that you weren't coming with? Yeah, that's a dick move, and he left you in a shitty position that might have been less shitty if he'd been upfront with you with his intentions and allowed you the same time he had to possibly find a more economical place.
But how long ago was this? If his sort-of-return upsets you this much, maybe you try and let it go. It happened. I'm not saying invite the guy back in with open arms, but perhaps it's time to drop the grudge, and don't talk to him until you're really over it.
Something I have learned, is that not everyone puts the same amount of effort into friendships as I may do, but that doesn't mean they don't care about me or want to be my friend. People just treat friendship different.
Because if it's just Facebook, I'm going to say that you should just relax. Facebook is not serious business. I have Facebook "friends" who are people that I actively hated back in high school. Facebook does have the functionality to block people if you really want to, but I'd say you're better off getting over whatever grudges you're holding. You don't have to be friends, but if you can't see his name without it affecting you, he holds too much power over your life.
People change, and you might as well get over it. You'll probably never be friends again and that's fine. If seeing his name popup bothers you, just block him and be done with it.