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Confusing situation (girl related)
tuscloud311
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
i'll start off by saying that im not going sugar-coat anything....so ill be blunt. Im 20, shes 18, coming up to 19.
I met this guy on WoW, we became friends, everything was cool. Then he decided to get his girlfriend into the guild because she just hit 60. So i met her, etc, everything was cool. They both lived in Cali, and i live in Arizona. She told me a month later that she was probably going to move to the east coast, aka break up with her boyfriend. So i tried to get them back together....little did i know, that i was simply forming my own relationship with her....bum bum bum.
so mainly, what im getting at...is she broke up with him, moved to her friend's house for 2 weeks until the semester was over, and then moved down here to live with me.
So weve had sex every day, twice even at times....so everything is normal. However, if everything was normal, i wouldnt be here...right?
She is not family-oriented, nor does she have many close friends who she can really call "a friend". Her 2 friends that she has maintained contact with since she has moved down here...is her friend that she moved in with prior to me, and ...her ex. Now, as they were going through the breakup, he pushed her down, snapped her Razr phone in half, etc...a lot of mean stuff. In fact, he deleted her characters on WoW, her only time-killer that she loves. I mean, any normal person would say "f- that guy" and push him out of their life. But like i said, she doesnt have many close people.
So, she wants to maintain contact with this guy. I have told her to stop talking to this other guy, who really loves her and wants us to break up. I did that for us, for the relationship. It is not healthy to talk to someone who wants you to break up in a relationship...she reluctantly did it. I told her she can talk to her ex, as long as its on a friendship level, and he can treat her like a friend, not an ex-girlfriend. Well, it seemed to be fine, but when she moved down here, it got bad. he blew up, starting causing shit in my guild, so i banned him from my ventrilo that i pay for, etc. It just went from fine, to shit.
Heres the twist....she ignores *everything* about him when we are together. All day, ignores him, he calls roughly 7 times and leaves voicemails all the time, etc. But as soon as i fall asleep, she jumps on the computer (i only have 1, and she needs to level another char to 60), and talks to him as well. Sometimes, she will close every program, and only keep AIM up to talk to only him. Like...you can see the desktop in the background, and its JUST the AIM window up. Meaning...devoting all attention to him. Sometimes, she will call him and stay on the phone with him for a long time.
Now, i know what youre thinking "get rid of her" kind of thing. Here is the reasoning on both ends.
Mine: I dont like her talking to him. at all. But i do understand that she needs a friend right now, because moving to a whole diff state by yourself with no job, family, friends, etc....can be rough. I also saw him tell her, on AIM, that he wants her to kiss him, love him, etc...basically come back to him and start a new relationship. She replied with a "no" though.
Hers: She has known him since beginning of High School. Been best friends for like ever now, and he is always there to comfort her. She knows that she does not want a relationship with him anymore, because they are both bad for eachother when it comes to a romantic relationship.
On top of this, she is very very very hesitant about Arizona. meaning...she compares AZ to Cali all the time. And it makes me uncomfortable because she says shes not happy....its not that shes not happy with me, but shes unhappy with the surroundings and is *VERY* homesick. which does not help me any when shes talking to her Ex and having him tell her to come back....you know? I told her that it feels like im holding on to her with very very very little, and walking on thin ice, etc...im just NOT comfortable.
So basically, im looking for comfort. im looking for "trust her, she wants to be with you...she is there with you now, and not with him. she just needs someone to talk to to reassure her of her actions, etc." right? amirite?
I met this guy on WoW, we became friends, everything was cool. Then he decided to get his girlfriend into the guild because she just hit 60. So i met her, etc, everything was cool. They both lived in Cali, and i live in Arizona. She told me a month later that she was probably going to move to the east coast, aka break up with her boyfriend. So i tried to get them back together....little did i know, that i was simply forming my own relationship with her....bum bum bum.
so mainly, what im getting at...is she broke up with him, moved to her friend's house for 2 weeks until the semester was over, and then moved down here to live with me.
So weve had sex every day, twice even at times....so everything is normal. However, if everything was normal, i wouldnt be here...right?
She is not family-oriented, nor does she have many close friends who she can really call "a friend". Her 2 friends that she has maintained contact with since she has moved down here...is her friend that she moved in with prior to me, and ...her ex. Now, as they were going through the breakup, he pushed her down, snapped her Razr phone in half, etc...a lot of mean stuff. In fact, he deleted her characters on WoW, her only time-killer that she loves. I mean, any normal person would say "f- that guy" and push him out of their life. But like i said, she doesnt have many close people.
So, she wants to maintain contact with this guy. I have told her to stop talking to this other guy, who really loves her and wants us to break up. I did that for us, for the relationship. It is not healthy to talk to someone who wants you to break up in a relationship...she reluctantly did it. I told her she can talk to her ex, as long as its on a friendship level, and he can treat her like a friend, not an ex-girlfriend. Well, it seemed to be fine, but when she moved down here, it got bad. he blew up, starting causing shit in my guild, so i banned him from my ventrilo that i pay for, etc. It just went from fine, to shit.
Heres the twist....she ignores *everything* about him when we are together. All day, ignores him, he calls roughly 7 times and leaves voicemails all the time, etc. But as soon as i fall asleep, she jumps on the computer (i only have 1, and she needs to level another char to 60), and talks to him as well. Sometimes, she will close every program, and only keep AIM up to talk to only him. Like...you can see the desktop in the background, and its JUST the AIM window up. Meaning...devoting all attention to him. Sometimes, she will call him and stay on the phone with him for a long time.
Now, i know what youre thinking "get rid of her" kind of thing. Here is the reasoning on both ends.
Mine: I dont like her talking to him. at all. But i do understand that she needs a friend right now, because moving to a whole diff state by yourself with no job, family, friends, etc....can be rough. I also saw him tell her, on AIM, that he wants her to kiss him, love him, etc...basically come back to him and start a new relationship. She replied with a "no" though.
Hers: She has known him since beginning of High School. Been best friends for like ever now, and he is always there to comfort her. She knows that she does not want a relationship with him anymore, because they are both bad for eachother when it comes to a romantic relationship.
On top of this, she is very very very hesitant about Arizona. meaning...she compares AZ to Cali all the time. And it makes me uncomfortable because she says shes not happy....its not that shes not happy with me, but shes unhappy with the surroundings and is *VERY* homesick. which does not help me any when shes talking to her Ex and having him tell her to come back....you know? I told her that it feels like im holding on to her with very very very little, and walking on thin ice, etc...im just NOT comfortable.
So basically, im looking for comfort. im looking for "trust her, she wants to be with you...she is there with you now, and not with him. she just needs someone to talk to to reassure her of her actions, etc." right? amirite?
tuscloud311 on
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Try setting her up with some social things in the area, sign the two of you up for some holiday season volunteer stuff, or join a club at your schools that you two can go to. Go out on dates, don't stay in and play WoW and have sex all day.
Let her talk to her ex. It communicates trust. I don't thik she'd stop even if you tried anyways.
oh, she also wants me to decide everything. Being the Raid Leader and Guild Master for an end game guild causes a lot of confidence in my raiding abilities and decision making....i think thats why she fell for me so fast... i think i have to keep that going right?
Stop relating your real life skills to World of Warcraft skills, trust me. She fell for you and she moved to a state she hates for you, that's huge. Don't keep this a relationship based off of World of Warcraft. Call local food banks or Special sport teams in the area, see if they need any volunteers. Go ice skating at a rink.
If you trust her, you trust her. It won't be easy to live with some things, but if you tell her "You are not allowed to talk to this guy!" she'll resent you. Don't read her conversations, but instead try to take her out of the house. You have a library? Go there, pick out some books she likes, go see a movie, get out of the house and keep her occupied and she won't be able to communicate with him anyways, because she'll be busy with you.
Ummmm, hmmm. Try going to a local independant theatre with some college kids and check them out. If you're lucky, you can score a little extra cash working on set design and construction.
Millions of ways to get out of the house. Just look for them.
were both focused on making people happy. Its just our personality. my biggest concern is losing her because shes not happy with AZ. I guess the main focus on this is what can i do to make her comfortable? i asked for comfort in the last few posts, but really....i think the root of it is making HER comfortable, so it, in-turn, makes me comfortable.
Am i overreacting in any way? is it normal for me to think about it this much? should i really be bothered with her depressed state just by her being homesick all the time? It *really* gets to me when i ask if shes happy and she shrugs her shoulders. I really dont want to lose her.
Well, I dunno man, I met my boyfriend through these boards, and I'd absolutely hate it if it became something more than an interest we have in common. I'd rather things like communication have a big impact on our relationship. If you're a raid/guild leader, then I'm going to guess you spend a lot of time on the day farming, reading strats, talking to people in the game?
Stop it. If you can, step down, and if not just cut your duties down, because you have a girlfriend who seems to be coming out of an abusive relationship, is damanged, and the last thing you need is to be farming some more gold so you can buy some pots or something. Engage her. Why would she be homesick? Because she's bored in Arizona, has no friends, and has nothing to do I'd bet. Fix it, there's advice in this thread on how to do it.
This advice from the above poster:
is right on target. My bf was GM at the time we got together, but he isn't anymore. We're both regular members, and we take our time off to do other stuff. You need to build something solid outside of that - because you both won't play the game forever . . . and you never know when something could happen that could cause the game to no longer exist at all.
http://armory.worldofwarcraft.com/character-sheet.xml?r=Sargeras&n=Rubycurse
But yeah, back on topic...were hardly ever at the apt, cept to sexify and sleep really. I take her out all the time, and shes not really used to it. Im trying to recreate what she was used to at home in Cali...and she went to school, then went home to play WoW. Then she went to work some days, and came home to play WoW. Dont be fooled though, she LOVES to spend time with me and would love to spend the day in my arms. She is just not happy *here*. i dont know, it sounds complicated....but im trying, and she knows im trying. She was crying the other day because she knows how hard im working to make everything right and to make her happy...and shes just not following through. Im scareded =(
:edit: im going home now, so i wont be able to check this again till tomorrow or until i get alone time. I dont want to scare her any more if i read this in front of her. So keep the replies going if you will, and ill check back tomorrow morning. Thanks again guys, so far its what i expected....just something to get used to.
Aside from that, moving is always hard. I'm the happiest about my surroundings that I've been in a long time, but I still miss CA frequently (where I just moved from). That's just the nature of it, and instead of fixating on that, you should look for more ways to enjoy the REAL WORLD around you, like other people have said.
Basically be patient, and if you're unhappy with how things are, take a moment to take stock and evaluate what's going on. If the game is causing stress for you, and causing your real life relations strain, take a step back, a break, and re-approach it with a new perspective once you've settled the problems you're struggling with now.
I'm not saying to delete your characters or anything, just get yourselves established outside of the game first. At this point, it sounds like she's letting her WoW friends substitute for genuine real-life friends, and that's just not healthy.
She needs to spend some time with not-you in her new city of residence, you can't actually tell her how she can and can't talk to other people, and if she's still obsessed with her apparently violent ex and is fucking you twice a day you would be well-served to consider the likelihood that she will shortly fuck you in a way you won't like.
She still isnt happy. i tried to be romantic last night and took her to my parent's place (huge fucking house, and they are in France). I told her to bring her suit, so we got in the hot tub. We were there for over 5 hours. We started "arguing" about her talking to him, and why she isnt happy here and everything. It got to the point where i just said "i think im trying too hard to make you happy. i bring you out here, expecting to hold you all night, and you havent even made a move to touch me" (side-story on that....i can tell when she is upset with me to the point where she wont get near me. she *loves* to be held by me and everything....so when she doesnt, i get depressed) So she said "then hold me" and i said "its too late now right?"....about 20 minutes of awkward silence later, i decided that i needed to hold her.
It ended up with us having sex in the hot tub (which, btw...is awesome. first time doing it there, it gets 5 stars) and then wrestling trying to dunk eachother's head under the water. I won of course, and then somehow, we decided to make out for over 30 minutes.
Its fucking weird guys. i see her depressed....as im typing this, she is on her phone talking to her ex, and getting dressed and stuff. I woke up with her on the computer, talking to some of her friends saying "he tried to not let me talk to <ex boyfriend>"...seriously SERIOUSLY makes me look like the bad guy here. im tired of it. during that, she got on Ventrilo to talk to him. So i couldnt talk to her there either. Then she got on the phone, then back on Ventrilo....then she got off because i wanted to go eat...and she said "i have to go, cause he is hungry" making it AGAIN sound like im forcing her to do this shit. So she got off the comp, and laid down on top of me, and then got up about 2 min later, to call her ex and get ready. Its driving me crazy. i havent even said a word to her in like 5 hours.
i want this hostile shit to end. I want to make her happy, and yet im not even happy with the choices shes making. But whenever she isnt on the phone, we have so many great times. im still in love with her, i just want to be comfortable with this.....im NOT comfortable...i need help...
She let me lay down on the bed alone while she grabbed a pillow, and her phone, and called her Ex for 5 hours last night.
its not normal, im sorry. You guys can tell me as much as you want that i should let it be OK for her to do this, but it is *not* normal for someone to call their ex for 5 hours. So, i did what any person who is freaking out would do, and that is talk to her about it....again. I asked what he gives her that i dont, and she said she doesnt know, he just makes her happy. She said he can be talking about whatever...sports for example....and she will be thinking to herself about any problems we have. Whether or not i believe her is a diff story. The thing is, shes telling me that shes working out her own problems, and he is her "conscious" just talking to her. She said he "filled so many holes in my life" and she "just cant stop talking to him". Even though, she knows DAMN WELL it pisses me off when she does it.
How would you guys like it if you know you cant make your GF happy, but her ex boyfriend does?
Somehow, she loves me. Somehow, she claims theres no way i can love her because of what a terrible person she is for making me feel like this. She knows she has to stop this, at LEAST phase it out so its not as constant and making her depressed all the time. she KNOWS she has to give AZ a shot, and not keep comparing myself to her ex, and AZ to Cali.
Bottom line, we came to the conclusion that if we keep this up, all it is is a pattern. Nothing is seemingly changing. All the stuff i do for her...everywhere i take her, all the love i give her....seems like its worthless to her. We both decided that something needs to change, whether its her or me. I, personally, dont think i need to change. The most i can do is be more understanding about her calling her fucking ex boyfriend like no other. At the same time, she needs to be understanding about MY feelings, and not make me feel completely worthless, and feel like im way under her ex boyfriend on her chart of "careness". Cause right now, i feel like i havent even won her as a girlfriend...despite what she says.
Who needs to change? Her or me?
This just does not sound like a healthy relationship. I know you want to save the realtionship, but it may be best that you don't.
Why did she move to the east coast, to get away from her boyfriend or to be with you? It don't seem like it was to start a new life for herself.
It's not a good sign, and for me it would be a big red flag that maybe it's time to move on. Simply having sex does not a functional relationship make.
If a girl were to issue me orders regarding how I can and can't interact with people outside our relationship, I would not keep seeing her. If a girl were spending 5+ hours a day talking to her ex and we constantly fought except when we're fucking, I would not keep seeing her. Quite frankly, I would dump both of you.
I always worry about girls with like, 1 close friend, because that shows they can't hold onto relationships for very long... <cough cough>
Dude. I'm not going to say for sure, since I don't know but this just screams to me that she wants out of your relationship, and is looking for excuses to do so.
I would back off and re-think your situation carefully. Talking occasionally with an ex happens. It's no big deal. Talking for hours and hours? When she knows it's making you uncomfortable? Sneaking around to do so?
Yick. You're putting yourself though hell to hold onto a relationship that she's trying to tear down.
But you don't want to hear the "Move on" answer, so brace yourself for a lot of bullshit heartache until it finally falls apart.
IMO and all that.
- Adam Savage, 'Mythbusters'
She says she loves me, she said it again last night, this morning...everywhere. She says she loves me more. Then she says i am not the same person....
So heres what ive come to find out about her last night....:
She fell in love with my character online. I guess im completely different online than i am IRL. she said "with your confidence, you can have anyone you want" referring to my in-game self. She constantly told me "you better be worth it" before she moved down. i constantly reassured her that "everything will be fine. we love eachother. if theres any problems, we can work them out together. but i dont think there would be any problems"....of course there will be, duh. anyway, later before she moved, she said "if you have a problem with me hanging out with my ex all night on my last day here, then you will probably not like me calling him all the time when i am down there" to which i replied "thats the only thing that i think im going to have problems with"
lo and behold...this is the only thing i have a problem with. But i realize she is calling him all the time because she is not happy with me.
So then you ask...why is she there? I tried to pry into her to figure that out, and she said she wants to make me happy. so i said "youre going to base your entire life on making me happy, when i cant even make you happy?" and she shrugged her shoulders.
This is bad, very very bad. She doesnt want to leave me, and i dont want to leave her...simply because it looks like its my fault. I have ZERO confidence and self-esteem now...and i think its because she always called her ex. Its a vicious cycle. She said i should just do what i want to do, because when i decide to do stuff, it makes her happy. Seeing me happy, makes her happy, and i dont know....its fucking weird. We both have like identical personalities when it comes to being social with others.
I want to do everything for her...give her everything....because of what she has done for me so far. But on the flip side, she doesnt want that. She wants ME to be happy, despite her own happiness.
tl;dr....we both dont want to leave eachother, but things are going very very badly. i feel like i can fix the relationship if i have more confidence and not let the little shit get to me. T or F?
She's an adult and made a risky decision in coming to live with you. NO relationship is guaranteed right out of the gate, and she knew that before coming down, and you're feeling guilty that it's not working out because you haven't had to sacrifice as much as she had.
All I can think of telling her "look, you moved here because you thought you would be happier, but it turns out you're not. Is this something that can be fixed, or do you need to move on?"
Let her know that her happiness depends on HER, not YOU. IF she can't be happy with you, and you want her to be happy, you need to let her find whatever it is that makes her happy and move on to it without you.
i completely agree. that is exactly what i am doing. i feel like i owe her so much just for coming here....and seeing her not happy is frustrating me. Simply because i told her everything will be fine, and we both believed it.
Basically what im saying is for the time being let this benefit you for the future in any way you see possible, so then if she leaves or some shit you wont end up one of these guys with no friends sitting home crying with their thumb up their ass like ive seen so many of my friends do.
You don't owe her shit.
She gave up her magic life in wonderful cali - playing wow and living with her jerk boyfriend, who she e-cheated on with you - for her magical life in arizona - playing wow and living with you, and when you aren't around she's on the computer working on her pattern.
I host a podcast about movies.
They are pretty much big flashy signs that just say, "Get the fuck out of there."
So uh, get the fuck out of that situation. This is not a healthy relationship, at all. You are taking a lot of damage to your emotions and mental state. If you don't bail out soon, you will come out a mess, a complete and total wreck. She's not happy, you're not happy and sex will not solve everything. Hate to say it, but the game should've been over a long time ago.
She needs to move back to where she's "happy" and you need to start out fresh with more time available to yourself for developing and basically making your situation better.
Godspeed.
And now, she is saying that you just aren't the same?
weeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiird.
Seriously, though, TALK to her. Make her talk. Grab her by the waist and plop her down on a chair. Start DISCUSING your situation. LISTEN to what she says, and TELL her how you feel. ARGUE your viewpoints and see if you can reach any COMPROMISES. Make sure all the cards are on the table and you are completely HONEST.
Communication is the key to a good relationship. So COMMUNICATE.
You CAN save the relationship if that is what you really want(it may not be worth it, honestly - ) if you are willing to man up and develop an unending well of confidence and strength for her to test and leech off of. You can't make other people grow up, and while she may eventually, I wouldn't bet on it. Still, she's obviously providing value to you, so if you think it is worth it, develop some strength and stop letting her hurt you.
Take the advice here and get a foundation for real-life confidence, not just game confidence. Be tough and stop showing any concern about who she talks to - that shows weakness and fear, but DON'T let her SEE this guy (edit: without not with heh) without you around either - that would be stupid. Become as competent, in-charge, and strong in real life as you are in this game, find some friends and a real life outside of the game as well, for both you AND her, and you'll be able to keep girls satisfied without this sort of shit. You might even be able to find a girl who's not a total basket case.
well....ive tried. December 30th, at about 10 pm, she decided to tell me that SHE had decided to go back to California the next day (re: 31st of december). She didnt want to tell me earlier, because she was afraid it would ruin the whole time up till then by making me upset. Ironic...
We planned for her to go on the 2nd of january, stay for the 3rd (his b-day), and come back on the 4th. Thats only 3 days. Now, she changed it (and told me at the very last minute, mind you...) to go down on the 31st (missing new year's with me), and come back on the...get this....7th.
a full week of being in California, and having the possibility of being with her ex the whole time. Now, before you start spazzing on me, telling me to end it; heres the deal so far:
She told me she went down for her family, and the only time she hung out with her ex is when it was his b-day (the 3rd). Every day, she called me and everything she has said...pans out to be true. She has spent all her time with her family, and today (3rd), she is with her ex.
So, back to the quote....ive tried so hard to not let her go, but she did. She actually did, reluctantly. i got her in the car, i put her seatbelt on, i kissed her goodbye, and i closed her door. She sat there, staring at the ground...feeling so guilty about it all that she stayed in her car for another 15 minutes (after i walked back into the apartment) before she left. Turns out later...she drove around Tucson for 30 minutes before going. She said she had so much doubt and regret about going.
New Year's was hard as hell on me....i dont know why. it hit me so freaking hard. i sunk very low into a depression....
but, just so i can continue typing, killing time off work, and making you guys read something so youre not bored....heres what im trying to do now.
She is living in one her parent's houses (they have 4). The only reason she will be back on the 7th, is because her dad wants to take her to Long Beach on the 6th since thats the only day he has off this week. Reasonable, and im not going to spaz about it...but im miserable without her (just thinking of her putting California above me on her list is making me miserable) so i decided im going to do this...and proposed it to her:
She comes back tonight (if shes not tired), or on the 4th in the morning. I spend Thursday, and Friday with her. Friday after work, i will drive both of us back to California (a 7-8 hour drive with her), and let her go with her parents to Long Beach on saturday, sleep with her on Saturday, and drive us both back on Sunday.
Sounds pretty good in my book. She doesnt miss out on her plans, and i get to be with her a LOT more than i anticipated. we both win. Well, like i said...i proposed it to her, and she started talking about "where are you going to sleep? what are you going to do when im with my family on saturday? youre going to drive 14-16 hours to be with me only a few days earlier? this doesnt make sense. its not reasonable...etc etc.
I told her "i dont care, ill sleep in the car, ill sleep on the fucking ground, ill do anything to be with you. i love you that much. ill stay in the car all day while youre with your family. ill walk around Cali and shop, i dont want to get in the way, i just want to see you."
well, after more discussion, she said "what do i tell my parents? theyre going to ask who you are and everything. i dont want you to lie to them and tell them youre just a friend of mine, because its your first impression. i WANT you to meet them, and i want them to like you, but its too early, and it will scare them"
On top of all this, she never said no...she just thinks too much about it. i told "all you have to do, is say "yes, lets do it" and drive down here ASAP. ill take care of everything else"....right now, its still in the air.
Ideas? long read eh? hope you had fun reading it...cause my fingers hurt.[/quote]
Dude, get with the picture, she's trying to get away from you. Not trying to leave you, just trying to get away and think things over without you there
You're being a very clingy, almost obsessive boy and she did not expect that when she moved down. She, very stupidly (not a slight at you, but a slight at someone who expects a WoW character to be exactly like someone in real life), expected an absurdly confident man. You're acting like a little boy who cant get what he wants.
You need to live YOUR life like she is not in it. YOU need to do things without her and find happiness WITHOUT her. If she sees that you're independent, she'll see you're confident and she'll want to be with you. She came down because she WANTED to she will stay with you if you make her WANT you. You have to make yourself desireable.
And for fucks sake, quit dropping drama bombs on her about how much you want to stay with her and how much you want her to stop talking to her ex. She'll stay with you if she wants to, not if you try to force her to.
The tighter you hold her the more she'll want to get out. It's about balance, and this relationship is incredibly unbalanced. Find a balance between you and her, thats how you will make this work. Give her some time.
This dude knows what he is talking about. You need to step back a little and see if she comes back to you. It might be too late, but if you can get your emotions about this sort of thing under control, you'll be a lot better off in life even if this doesn't work out.
Make it clear to this girl you'll be fine even if you don't come these last three days - when you say THAT is probably when she will want you to come, but even if not - spend some time with your real life friends and work on yourself. If you don't stop being so obsessive and clingy, she - and any other girl you might date - will leave you, and with good reason.
maybe im saying this because im biased, i dont know....but it really isnt. if you think im clingy, you need to see her with me. I may be emotionally clingy to her, but she is just the same way, if not worse about it than me.
Its easy to see this as being one-sided, cause im only telling it from my perspective, not both. If i could, i would type out everything she tells me, and draw a picture of everything she wants to do with me. But i cant, im telling you my problem, and i expect it to sound incredibly 1-sided.
There is a reason she is with me, theres more positive attitudes and atmospheres going on than negative. Im just laying out all the negative to get it worked out.
Why go to a H/A and tell you guys everything good going on? Im telling you, that she does not want to leave me, in any way, and that she tells me shit ALL the time about how she misses me and wants to see me. But the one time i say it, im clingy? cmon guys....
she has. they know about me, and shes trying to ease into the "were dating" topic. But her parents are the parents who dont beleive in dating unless you plan to marry the person. I can understand her not being direct about the situation immediately.
then other times, its like "its comfortable here, i know everything, im not lost"
she hasnt made up her mind, or she is still in the middle.
You're describing all these negative things about her, yet you keep saying you love her. What's to love? She sounds like an insecure child. You sound equally insecure. Your best bet is to tell her not to come back at all. Just end it. If I was with a girl who spent five hours on the phone with her ex-boyfriend on a daily basis, that would end pretty damn quick, one way or another. It sounds like she has no respect for you. You're kidding yourself.
Maybe you're throwing around the L-word a bit too freely. Anyone who's really been in love knows that what you're describing isn't love. People who love each other don't treat each other this way.
Seriously, have some respect for yourself, realize you made a mistake in having her live with you, and cut your losses. Just cut off contact with her.
What do her parents think she's doing?
PS. Uninstall that life-sucking game.
It's possible she's just being immature and really does love you, but I would immediately dump any girl that tried to do to me what she's done to you. She behaves like she is just using you.
What I was trying to say is that if you really want to stay with this girl, you're just going to have to deal with the fact that she's going to be inconsiderate, to do things that drive you crazy, to possibly cheat on you like she did with her ex - she's not behaving decently, and you can't change her. So if you want to stay with her, you are just going to have to toughen up and deal with her emotional abuse the same way that abused wives don't want the police to arrest their husbands.
I mean, you could try convincing her to change, but from what you have said it just seems that she doesn't value you enough to stop doing things that hurt you, like spending more time communicating with her ex boyfriend than with you.
If she really loves you, then she is being extremely inconsiderate and immature - having your best and only friend be your ex-boyfriend is unhealthy and is sure to really hurt and screw up your current one. Any mature person would know this. Get mad at her about it, though, and you'll just alienate her.
So either you can honestly stop caring about what she is doing to you somehow(I mean, polygamist wives aren't jealous or deal with it somehow I guess), you can let it hurt you but take the abuse anyway, lose your self-respect, and eventually lose her anyway when she sees she can do whatever she wants to you, or you can leave the relationship.
I think you're deluded and she is using you, but I could easily be wrong. You're there, and I'm not, and on SOME level you know the truth. Try to get new friends for both of you, try to make peace with her spending her time with this ex - it might work. Good luck with it.
At least being a man in it got him laid, doesn't sound like he was getting much action beforehand :P