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Help with initiating "the talk"
peckerspike
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
I'm in a 6 year relationship. My partner and I are both in our early thirties. We have a long standing issue that needs addressing. It is not an issue that either party is willing to compromise on (I will leave the actual issue out to refrain from starting a tangential debate).
The debate began a year ago and has died out since. Much discussion was had at the beginning. Different compromises were suggested by each side and rejected. In the last few months it's been put on the back burner, much to my silent disdain, but I've been busy so I haven't pushed it. I think that my partner is happy with it remaining unsettled, but I don't really know (logic tells me that if I am so bothered by it, they are too, but there is no outward sign of anything). Once great communication is obviously breaking down.
I need to settle this. I am at a point where I think about it a lot (it was literally the first thought in my head this morning), but I know that if I push it into ultimatum territory that the relationship will end entirely. I might want this; I am not sure. Regardless of the outcome, I need to bring it up. I am either too coward to do it, or subconsciously I don't want to. I have no idea. I was exceptionally happy with the relationship prior to this conflict.
The icing on the cake is that they are heading on a long (3 month) work trip starting in a few weeks. I don't want to discuss it long distance, so I need to either do it now or after they return. If I wait, the time apart will be unbearable.
How does one initiate a "final" discussion about an issue? How do I overcome my fear? I think I might have some undiagnosed social anxiety.
The debate began a year ago and has died out since. Much discussion was had at the beginning. Different compromises were suggested by each side and rejected. In the last few months it's been put on the back burner, much to my silent disdain, but I've been busy so I haven't pushed it. I think that my partner is happy with it remaining unsettled, but I don't really know (logic tells me that if I am so bothered by it, they are too, but there is no outward sign of anything). Once great communication is obviously breaking down.
I need to settle this. I am at a point where I think about it a lot (it was literally the first thought in my head this morning), but I know that if I push it into ultimatum territory that the relationship will end entirely. I might want this; I am not sure. Regardless of the outcome, I need to bring it up. I am either too coward to do it, or subconsciously I don't want to. I have no idea. I was exceptionally happy with the relationship prior to this conflict.
The icing on the cake is that they are heading on a long (3 month) work trip starting in a few weeks. I don't want to discuss it long distance, so I need to either do it now or after they return. If I wait, the time apart will be unbearable.
How does one initiate a "final" discussion about an issue? How do I overcome my fear? I think I might have some undiagnosed social anxiety.
peckerspike on
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Anyway, my advice is to pick a time when neither is very busy and begin slowly.
Saying lets talk about something this weekend in the afternoon (an example), leads to the other person freaking out with all the weird shit in the universe it could be.
Definitely, do it before the trip.
Good luck.
What specific talk is it about?
Because except for kids, you can compromise on any issue (and even on kids you can compromise slightly)
Think about the possibilities that someone may change their mind on the issue as well. If it's really that big and no one will ever be able to budge then the relationship may actually be over. It's seriously hard to say without knowing what it is though.
seriously, either way if she doesn't, well, she doesn't
just answer me this, are you male or female?
But seriously, more details would be definitely helpful. If it's that big a deal that you feel like the three months apart would be terrible for you if you don't get some resolution, then you need to just make some time. Say, hey, I need to talk to you about this, and I'd like to set aside some time to do it. Make it clear that the reason you are doing it is becuase it's starting to affect other areas of your life, and you need some sort of closure, one way or the other in order to move on and just get back to the day to day.
I was going with this because the OP went from
"We have a long standing issue that needs addressing. It is not an issue that either party is willing to compromise on (I will leave the actual issue out to refrain from starting a tangential debate)."
then threw this in
"The icing on the cake is that they are heading on a long (3 month) work trip starting in a few weeks. I don't want to discuss it long distance, so I need to either do it now or after they return. If I wait, the time apart will be unbearable."
I'm going with "open relationship/group sex" tangent here.
But anyways, see lime. The issue will need to get posted, threaten people to stay on topic lest Banatos come down and infract people for being funny but off-topic. :P
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
And this is very, very wrong:
There is probably room for compromise, though.
And I too am thinking it's a "open relationship/group sex" thing too.
Need more info sir/ma'am.
No, no. We demand you bear your soul!
Seriously, the subject of the talk is kinda key to understanding the situation.
As it stands now, the best advise I can give is "talk about it", which isn't very helpful.
If it's a major life decision, like kids, marriage, buying a house, whatever, then there rarely is a "final decision." You could change your mind in the future, you could swap opinions, or become more resolute. People change their mind about stuff like that all the time, although rarely is it the result of a conversation about it. In those situations, the finality of the conversation should be "keep an open mind" and "we'll talk about it in the future, maybe a year or two." Or you don't want to wait and it ends up that it really is the final conversation. That's up to you.
best possible ending to this thread is his wife turns out to be a man
So OP wants to crack the egg and make the damn omelette already, but the partner is unwilling to compromise their career and whatever other benefits they recieve from fronting in thier other relationship. Problem is, it's not his egg, and he really doesn't want to be a douche about it because he loves the guy.
OP, I got nothing for you in terms of resolution- sometimes there just isn't a good one. Whatever the issue actually is, what I would suggest is taking your relationship for what it is instead of what it could possibly be. If you're only content because you envision it as something else, then no matter how close that other picture is, it is still not what you need.
6 years is a long time. You know how this is headed, you just don't want to go through it. Which to me says its gonna hurt like hell. Sorry mang. Prepare for the absolute worst, and if its not that bad, consider what is not ultimate suckage to be a positive bonus. Good luck.
I don't think it's a group thing, I think those words are intended to obscure gender, for whatever reason.
-you have a thing that you want resolved
-your partner is not interested in resolving this thing
-lack of interest/initiative/willingness to discuss this thing on your partners part it making you angry and resentful
first of all, you're an adult, this is a long term relationship and I would hope your communication skills with your partner would be good enough for you to make known how much this thing upsets you
second, if it's really bothering you that much that you don't have resolution, are you prepared to either break it off with your partner or understand that you'll be bearing your misery alone unless you can let this thing go?
so uh, sit the hell down and talk it out, make your partner understand how vitally important this issue is for you and how resolution of this thing is the only way your relationship will go forward
"So, how do I ask my partner why she has a penis and what she plans to do about it?" :P
But as others have said, without really knowing what you're talking about, the best (for lack of a better word) advice that can be offered is to have the conversation and let your partner know how important it is to you to resolve the issue.
If she (he?)'s not willing to resolve the issue, it may be ultimatum time... though you also may want to examine your motivations and determine whether or not what you're asking is a reasonable request.
But again... since I (we) have no idea what you're talking about... don't expect too much useful advice.
I just read it with "they" just being used as a gender neutral pronoun instead of the awkward he/she. It's frequently -- though incorrectly -- used that way.
My first thought was kids as some others, but honestly, I don't think the issue does matter. OP, the only way to have a "final" conversation about it is a conversation that ends in compromise, or the end of the relationship, and you've already suggested that neither person is willing to compromise. If this is truly a serious issue that's extremely important to you and important for your life and continued happiness, and neither you nor your partner is willing to reconsider, there's not a lot you can do without either meeting in the middle, or having one or the other make a concession. If the issue doesn't have a resolution in the middle (for example kids, and one definitely wants them and the other definitely doesn't), then either one person is going to end up giving in and possibly being unsatisfied with the result (not a good situation to be in with kids) or the relationship is going to end.
Really, you just need to start the conversation again. Sometime when you have no other plans and are home together and can talk for awhile. Keep it calm and just have each person try to talk out their feelings/position without arguing about it. You need to explain why this issue is so important to you.
"suck it up and put the toilet seat down/up when you pee"
"You will just have to live with the fact that your partner doesnt want you to pee on them"
"You should get another blue raspberry colored wolf costume, sharing the one just isnt working"
"No you cannot sleep with your partners mom/dad/sister/brother/uncle...etc"
"Prostitution is legal in Nevada, so you should move there and start your bunny ranch, but dont try to do it while you are still living with your parents in Wisconsin. "
"You may think the word of Jesus Christ is important, but preaching to your partner while they drop a duece is inappropriate."
any of these help?
Goddamn Monkey, walking around, being so right all the time.
So ya, scrap dipping into an open partnership. Still, Imna stick with some kind of homosexuality issue running around, other wise why make genders an issue?
If this is the case, you cannot compel an individual to out himself. Not all families are understanding.
Bring it up again, have a talk about it, but the only way to have a "final" talk about anything is to not give in and shelve the issue, and to be willing to walk away if you can't find a mutual agreement.
By the way, I also think this is a kids issue, of which there is little to compromise over.
It could always be a bisexual threesome, guys, don't lose hope yet. :winky:
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
Devil's Threeway is less enticing, but still better than other talks.
Also, maybe it's getting hitched?
3DS FC: 5343-7720-0490
"I feel..."
"It's important to me because..."
"I want this..."
It comes off as less accusatory, even subconsciously, and as such you're more likely to reach an amicable conclusion to the conversation, even if you don't end up with a compromise.
And Sentry, the issue could be important, because people are irrational beings, and we get fixated and "unable to compromise" on issues that maybe just aren't that important, or do have a simple compromise.
Or maybe it is kids.
I agree, it's potentially important. But the OP was very clear on the fact that, whatever the issue is, neither side is willing to compromise. He wasn't looking for how to compromise, he was looking for how to make this the last conversation on the issue. Which in and of itself is pretty self-explanatory.
I am wondering if the "Situtation That Not Be Named" is just one of them being dumb, close minded and/or stubborn.
We may never know...
Probably. On the flip side, we don't even know if this is a married couple, a gay couple, or if this involves just the two people or is a larger family issue.