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Nothing seems to change... [Girl-thread]
drama-based-alt
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Short of it:
At 22 and soon to graduate college I am really at a loss when it comes to girls. Almost 2 years ago now my first ever girlfriend "Amy" broke up with me basically running off with another guy across the country. Since then much drama, currently not sure what to do with a girl "Jess" that may be interested or may want to just be friends (and is currently one of my best friends, so trying to avoid all that awkward). I don't know how to really take the next step of trying to put myself in a position to have another relationship.
So:
1. How can I go about meeting girls and not creating such god-forsaken drama?
-Note: Tried the online thing for a while, and sadly my major is small and very male dominated, which makes things tougher.
2. How can I best try to put this whole worrying about girls thing out of my mind? I figure way to much energy is spent on it these days, as evidenced by my rambling.
3. What should I do about this immediate girl, Jess?
At 22 and soon to graduate college I am really at a loss when it comes to girls. Almost 2 years ago now my first ever girlfriend "Amy" broke up with me basically running off with another guy across the country. Since then much drama, currently not sure what to do with a girl "Jess" that may be interested or may want to just be friends (and is currently one of my best friends, so trying to avoid all that awkward). I don't know how to really take the next step of trying to put myself in a position to have another relationship.
Sad times.
More detail:
First break up was pretty much epic story of girl cheating on me and going across the country like I said, really rather messed me up.
Following that much sulking was had, and then I had a few minor flings, including one with a girl "Cindy" who had apparently had been violently raped months before, and had a huge victim complex that perpetually made me out to feel like a bad guy in dating her, and like I shouldn't as much as compliment a girl without being a terrible person.
Again, sad times. That relationship was left, but left my boundaries kind of weird I think, since following that girls have told me I am too distant at times...
Current issue is I am looking at nearly 2 years without a girl in my life, and graduating college soon with only one real relationship under my belt, and feeling terribly far behind and like I am missing out on life.
Furthermore, there is drama with "Jess" who I had a crush on for quite some time, made an advance on and was rejected, then backed off for a few months (and lost weight and tried to go do other things) and now I feel like she is sending signals that she may be interested, and we hang out all the time. I don't want to keep pinning for her now if this isn't going anywhere, but I am very hesitant to ask as making things awkward with one of my few close friends really seems like a terrible idea.
More detail:
First break up was pretty much epic story of girl cheating on me and going across the country like I said, really rather messed me up.
Following that much sulking was had, and then I had a few minor flings, including one with a girl "Cindy" who had apparently had been violently raped months before, and had a huge victim complex that perpetually made me out to feel like a bad guy in dating her, and like I shouldn't as much as compliment a girl without being a terrible person.
Again, sad times. That relationship was left, but left my boundaries kind of weird I think, since following that girls have told me I am too distant at times...
Current issue is I am looking at nearly 2 years without a girl in my life, and graduating college soon with only one real relationship under my belt, and feeling terribly far behind and like I am missing out on life.
Furthermore, there is drama with "Jess" who I had a crush on for quite some time, made an advance on and was rejected, then backed off for a few months (and lost weight and tried to go do other things) and now I feel like she is sending signals that she may be interested, and we hang out all the time. I don't want to keep pinning for her now if this isn't going anywhere, but I am very hesitant to ask as making things awkward with one of my few close friends really seems like a terrible idea.
So:
1. How can I go about meeting girls and not creating such god-forsaken drama?
-Note: Tried the online thing for a while, and sadly my major is small and very male dominated, which makes things tougher.
2. How can I best try to put this whole worrying about girls thing out of my mind? I figure way to much energy is spent on it these days, as evidenced by my rambling.
3. What should I do about this immediate girl, Jess?
drama-based-alt on
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Because "dating" in school is a wide world different than "dating" for the rest of us in the world.
The stock answers are best, probably.
With "Jess" you've made yourself known. If she's interested, you'll be made aware.
Otherwise just get out more. Join clubs, go to activities. Attend parties and go on with your life.
"Dating" is such a crock. Focus on hobbies, friends etc. There isn't any "trick" to getting over it. You just do. Understand that you have a lot of time to find someone, etc. and that things become quite different once you're out of school and in the rest of the world.
I just am really concerned as I feel like realistically dating in college is supposed to be easier in terms of meeting people than out in the real world. I look at my current state of 2 years of effectively single and see little change on the horizon now, when I am somewhat forced to meet people; and even less in the future post school when I will not be forced into that...
Party-wise I am getting more and more concerned about how I come across, to the point of it almost being anxiety, so I have been doing less and less of that. Club and organization wise I spent over 8 hours a week doing things for a few groups, but those are mostly guys again.
Friend wise I tend to hang out with people alot, but am at the point where if I do really mention the ex or other girl drama I feel I am just a broken record at this point, so I don't talk about it anymore, but it really eats up alot of my thinking.
Given that I just don't know what avenues I should be exploring; so I am open to suggestions. Currently I am doing kind of a fitness/sports kick as well, but I am doing that mostly with "Jess" so it makes it an odd one to figure out how I want to run it.
In terms of Jess making herself known I may just be reading signals wrong... She calls me up and we go out to diner very frequently, and last weekend we went on an overnight trip alone doing alot of hiking and the like. I thought some advance was going to happen there, but it never came about; but while there she initiated planning another trip together. The other day we went to a show that she kind of dragged me along to, but ended up dancing with some guy there and being very flirtatious with others. So mixed signals are confusing the hell out of me, to the point where I may just be being used, but it is not like I pay for or even plan most of these events, so I really don't know what is up.
You should start doing the same, have some fun without expecting a girlfriend, you are too young. The key for success is to be confident, do not be shy and initiate things yourself, learn to break the ice in a natural way.
She seems like she could either just want to have you as an activity partner, or she is poor at making her intentions known (did the show thing with flirting with other guys to see your reaction, girl bullshit like that)
I'd just straight up ask her "Hey Jess, I may be reading things wrong but are you interested in dating?"
Situations don't create drama; human beings create drama. There are lots of places to meet members of the opposite sex -- work, parties, bars, clubs, classes, online dating sites -- but regardless of where you meet them, whatever baggage people are bringing along with them (your baggage and hers) is what's going to create drama and complications.
Get over your own baggage.
I'm going to repeat that because, honestly, kiddo, there are things that are seriously wrong with you.
Get over your own baggage.
I am not sure what specifically your deal is, but anyone who trivializes the post-traumatic stress of a victim of violent rape as a "huge victim complex" and focuses exclusively on how that "complex" impacts him needs to take a step back, realize that not everything in life is about him, and get over himself.
Did you clearly and honestly express your desires and intents? Then you can either (a) wait for her to honestly and clearly express an answer, or (b) not wait for her to honestly and clearly express an answer. The ball is in her court at this time. In the meantime, consider that being rejected by women can and often will have nothing to do with how worthy you are as a person. Addendum: having a girl agree to go out with you can and often will have no bearing on how worthy you are as a person. So if she says no, it's seriously no big deal. It doesn't mean that you didn't lose enough weight or that you're not cool enough. If she says yes, it doesn't mean that you're all of the sudden somehow "good enough."
but they're listening to every word I say
Just keep your life on track. Graduate. Get out into the real world and keep moving onward. Stay healthy. Stay active. Explore the world within your constraints and try to enjoy yourself.
There's nothing else you can do.
@SammyF
Whiny tone of my OP and subsequent was partially influenced by working off of about 3 hours of sleep for last night, but yeah I really shouldn't trivialize that. Cindy is actually doing really well now, and after we broke up I went out of my way to be her friend and actually kind of took on the role of an older brother or some such, she had one she normally relied on a lot who was out of the country during most of that time. It just was very hard to be that support network for a long time, and rather frustrating, so a lot of this thread is to vent. I also had to turn her down in some way that didn't make her feel un-pretty when she wanted to use me to cheat on her current boyfriend (a wonderful guy I very much approve of, and am happy she found) when he was out of the country on a humanitarian trip. That was the situation that first made it very clear to me that she was seeking out drama, the desire to cheat more than the rest, but I have a big issue with cheating reasonably enough.
I think the conclusion is that I need to perhaps be direct with Jess in a causal way for one more shot, and if that is a no go not do that, and generally try to not worry about things anymore. I need to drop the stress I am putting myself on to try to get the whole relationship experience under my belt in college, which is really what is making me feel like I need to rush rather than wait.
Lock away I guess, think I am resolved for now, and just wanted someone to talk this out a bit with, and to kind of kick my ass for being dumb.
just calm down, forget about the women in your past, and just live life. seriously, you are about to graduate from college and start your life and it's all angsty and girls with you. this isn't high school, aren't you excited?