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Popping the Question? When is it right?
AbsoluteZero
The new film by Quentin KoopantinoRegistered User regular
The new film by Quentin KoopantinoRegistered User regular
So... I've reached a kind of milestone in my 5+ year relationship with my girlfriend. An expectation has been made by her parents that I am going to marry her some day. You see, I'm 21 (going on 22 soon) and she is 19. Go back 5 years, and that becomes 17 and 14. Back in those days, her parents did not approve of our relationship and would have loved to had my head displayed on their front lawn.
We've come such a very long ways since then. I decided that I wanted to marry this girl some time ago... but there were obstacles. The biggest being that her parents would have had heart attacks if we got engaged. But now that has passed, now our marriage is expected.
Finally, it has gotten to the point where I can pop the question without fear of death. Additionally, the little lady has been dropping hints for months now that she wants a ring. Not just any ring, the ring.
So now that I could pop the question whenever I please... The question is, should I?
Now I love her enough and I am completely prepared for this. We both understand and are comfortable with the idea of spending the rest of our lives with each other. The problem is this: We are both still in college, though I will graduate next December, money is tight, I'm unemployed, neither of us even owns a car, and neither of us knows where the hell we are going to live when our apartment lease ends in April.
I don't have a problem with not spending thousands of dollars on an engagement ring, and I know she doesn't care either. So that isn't a problem. The trouble is, while I would love to get her a ring (I've already found the perfect one, and I can afford the sucker too) and ask her the question... I don't feel like my unemployed ass is currently a suitable suitor!
But... I don't want to make her wait too long. I feel as though she may start getting impatient soon. I can get some McJob easy enough but to tell you the truth I really would rather not have one while in school because historically that has kicked my grades in the nuts.
We're going to a fireworks show on new years, planning to lay out in the grass with nice big blankets. I could ask her then, I could pull that off, and that would really be something... I want it to be special of course... but is it too soon? I've put a lot of thought into this and there are other opportunities to ask her and make it special but I just don't know... How much time should I put between now and when I ask her? When is it right?
Our anniversary is in August, I could do it then. Failing that I could wait on it a whole year and ask her on her birthday in December, or on new years next year.
I just need some advice in feeling this out. I'm really excited to ask her of course but I don't want to make some kind of mistake by jumping into it. On the other hand, I don't want to make her wait too long. And on some third hand, I would like to have the appearance of a man who can provide, and I'm not sure I have that going for me right now.
Sorry this came out so long. I don't know why but girl threads always get super inflated, don't they?
EDIT: If we were to get engaged we would not actually get married until after the both of us have graduated. That is something we've agreed on some time ago.
We've come such a very long ways since then. I decided that I wanted to marry this girl some time ago... but there were obstacles. The biggest being that her parents would have had heart attacks if we got engaged. But now that has passed, now our marriage is expected.
Finally, it has gotten to the point where I can pop the question without fear of death. Additionally, the little lady has been dropping hints for months now that she wants a ring. Not just any ring, the ring.
So now that I could pop the question whenever I please... The question is, should I?
Now I love her enough and I am completely prepared for this. We both understand and are comfortable with the idea of spending the rest of our lives with each other. The problem is this: We are both still in college, though I will graduate next December, money is tight, I'm unemployed, neither of us even owns a car, and neither of us knows where the hell we are going to live when our apartment lease ends in April.
I don't have a problem with not spending thousands of dollars on an engagement ring, and I know she doesn't care either. So that isn't a problem. The trouble is, while I would love to get her a ring (I've already found the perfect one, and I can afford the sucker too) and ask her the question... I don't feel like my unemployed ass is currently a suitable suitor!
But... I don't want to make her wait too long. I feel as though she may start getting impatient soon. I can get some McJob easy enough but to tell you the truth I really would rather not have one while in school because historically that has kicked my grades in the nuts.
We're going to a fireworks show on new years, planning to lay out in the grass with nice big blankets. I could ask her then, I could pull that off, and that would really be something... I want it to be special of course... but is it too soon? I've put a lot of thought into this and there are other opportunities to ask her and make it special but I just don't know... How much time should I put between now and when I ask her? When is it right?
Our anniversary is in August, I could do it then. Failing that I could wait on it a whole year and ask her on her birthday in December, or on new years next year.
I just need some advice in feeling this out. I'm really excited to ask her of course but I don't want to make some kind of mistake by jumping into it. On the other hand, I don't want to make her wait too long. And on some third hand, I would like to have the appearance of a man who can provide, and I'm not sure I have that going for me right now.
Sorry this came out so long. I don't know why but girl threads always get super inflated, don't they?
EDIT: If we were to get engaged we would not actually get married until after the both of us have graduated. That is something we've agreed on some time ago.
AbsoluteZero on
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And damn she's 19 and you're 21. Wait until you've got a degree at the very least.
Shogun Streams Vidya
If you're already "providing" enough for you guys to live, then that should be enough. If you two are really in love the "image" of a good provider shouldn't be necessary.
I'm still in school and am getting married in May (I'm also 21, although she's 22, not 19). I'm not broke (my dad passed away summer before last and I got a bunch of money from that) and so have enough to pay for a large chunk of the wedding and plan on making enough to live. That is enough.
Just be sure you're doing it because you want to and not because you feel pressured by her or her parents.
I'm sorry I wasn't clear on this. We both agreed that we would not get married until after we had both graduated college. No way we would have the money for a wedding till then anyways.
This is a question of engagement.
Keep the opinions coming guys, anything you have to say is appreciated.
It just doesn't get much more true that this.
To be honest, LOVE is NOT enough reason to get married anymore.
uhhhh
#1 what are these statements based on
#2 if I see a sig that big on you again you're going to rot in jail until you can be trusted to set a reasonably sized sig
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
As someone who got married in 2006, here's some advice:
1) there's two paths to marriage (good ones, at least) -- popping the question as a surprise (in order to do something new), and the basic progression to "next step." Examples of the first are where you live apart, or have a religious obligation, or other situations where the marriage would create a major life change. For the second, it involves a ring, ceremony, and legal status, but wouldn't change your living situation all that much. FYI, I was the second (we lived together for 4 years).
2) An engagement is a very nice thing, and many people feel that it's a major life event. Realistically, though, what it means is that you simply start planning a wedding. Sure, some people get engaged and then simply ignore it for years, but let's ignore that. Getting engaged means "We're going to be married, here's the date, and we are now going to start planning it." If you're not going to start planning a wedding, then there's no point in getting engaged.
3) You can express a desire to be married without getting engaged. And personally, this approach is the one I think works best for you. If it comes up, or if you're feeling romantic, say that you think it sounds like a good idea. Or that you like the idea, but you want to both wait until you're done with college so you have enough money and time to actually enjoy both a wedding and being married.
The statements were taken right out of the first post.
"I'm unemployed, neither of us even owns a car, and neither of us knows where the hell we are going to live when our apartment lease ends in April."
Whats wrong with my sig? Just have my gamecard like most other people do.
I had not even thought of it this way. I think you make a good point. I have to really think about that now...
You're living with her and fully intend to marry her. You've obviously discussed marriage in more than a passing way with her. You're practically engaged already, without the formality of giving her a ring.
so what are the objections?
1) No job, no money, no new place to live after your lease runs out, etc.
You already said you're not planning on actually getting married until you're at least both out of college. If you're graduating in December, your current objection to getting a job vanishes then. I assume she's not graduating for one or two more years, so that's plenty of time to find something and start saving some money.
2) You're too young!
This is one that comes up all the time. Sometimes it's true, but it's more a matter of emotional and relationship maturity than your actual age. If you've been together for 5 years and are currently living with her, you've probably got a good handle on the relationship by now.
EggyToast makes an interesting point, but there's no reason you can't have a long engagement. As long as both of you are comfortable with whatever plans you make, I don't see the problem.
And this is absolutely true.
Precisely my point. Marriage now-a-days is simply a lawsuit waiting to happen. People should not NEED to have a piece of paper and a ring to know that they're truly in love.
People who get a pre-nup shouldn't even be getting married in the first place. It's like saying, "We know this isn't going to work in the long run, let's be prepared."
Pheezer, a PM would have sufficed. Of course, I've read your posts, so I know diplomacy and common courtesy is not your thing.
You can hold off on proposing if she is well aware of the situation. Honestly, you are in very poor shape to be making a step as big as this, especially when it comes at such a high monetary cost. You should make the step eventually, though. I don't know your girlfriend in any way, shape or form, but I think that there is a limit to how long you can wait, especially if she's dropping hints. You can always tell her that you're not quite ready, as you wouldn't make the best provider.
Again, I can't speak for any women here, so if I'm terribly wrong don't get too angry at me. I'm not attempting to state it as fact, or anywhere near it.
I... really hate surprises. Especially surprises like that.
Anyway, the point being is-- go, sit down with her, and talk with her. Tell her that yes, you are committed to marrying her someday, but funds are tight--and then ask her what she thinks. Does she really want a ring now, knowing the circumstances? Does she want to wait for a better one, or for when a marriage date can be feasibly set? Does she want one now, knowing that her relatives (and friends, etc) will know about it and no doubt increase the "GET MARRIED NOW" pressure?
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Edit: Although you should make absolutely sure that she is the one and that you guys have really thought marriage through. Here are some good questions to talk about with her:
NYTimes List of Questions Couples Wish They Had Asked
Just remember that a proposal does not need to be some elaborate production to be special. Doing it in a special place or in association with a date/situation that is special to your relationship is just as memorable than if you took her out on some expensive dinner or something like that.
Here's my story. I knew my wife wanted a big (not expensive, just big) wedding, and wanted it in the late spring. The answer was to propose in December 01. No way she could be ready by May of 02, so the wedding was May of 03. 18 months is actually the average engagement now, based upon my personal experinece selling engagement rings.
After that, I strongly suggest figuring out when you'll be financially viable. I had to hold my now-wife off with a whip and a chair for 3 years from marriage, because I wasn't going to be in a position where I couldn't take proper care of my family. Marriage is enough of a stress on the bad days, it doesn't need any of the additional problems that come from being uber-poor.
Look at your reasonable life plan, and count backwards to a proposal date that gets you married around the same time you can take care of your new family properly.
Also, pre-congrats.
If she doesn't care about a ring, though, she'll be even more surprised if you get her one. You can get one with of lesser quality (ask about color/cut/clarity) and I doubt she'll protest too much. Just make sure you get it from a place that has an upgrade/buyback program so that when your X anniversary rolls around you can get her something nice.
This cannot be limed hard enough as it is simply some of the best advice one can receive.
Listen from my bad experiences. I have been engaged not once, but twice. So I have been around the block a few times (only 22, lots of stupid mistakes I have had).
Only get engaged if:
1. You have the money to get married.
2. Have the date already picked out.
3. Make sure SHE wants to get married.
If you do not meet any of that 3 criteria, then DO NOT GET ENGAGED. Number 3 I touch on because after a great amount of time, in your case 5 years, relationships tend to learn toward relationships of "convenience" and not of "love".
Do you "love this person? Does she love you? Do you want to get engaged because you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her or are you getting engaged because you feel you "owe" it to her and it would make the most "sense".
If you agree with the second part of my last statement, DO NOT GET ENGAGED. Trust me, I know from experience, that marriage of convenience is not the way to go. Luckily, I never did get to the "married" part and only costed me two rings.
If money for the ring is an issue, you can find a setting online for around $100, and have a local jeweler put a cubic zirconia in for about $25 (that’s what I did). It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. If she wants a diamond, you can always replace the cheap stone later when you aren’t dirt poor.
Don’t wait too long. Hey, Valentine’s Day is coming up soon.