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looking for some outside advise on a new relationship
nerra
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
I've trolled this forum for a minute and I find myself liking the community here so I hope some of you might be able to help me out a little.
(disclaimer - this might be a bit dramatic, so there might be some that won't find this interesting)
I just recently started a new relationship with a woman I haven't seen in 9 years. We reconnected through facebook about a month ago and have been seeing each other pretty regularly since. I'd like to share a little background before getting to my question(s).
She has recently (a year and a half ago) been through a traumatic break-up with a fiancee who lied/cheated on her. She put on a few pounds (which, I don't mind at all - I still find her very attractive) and currently has some confidence, as well as self worth issues.
I have been single (save for one short relationship) for the last five years after the woman who I thought I was going to marry ended up cheating on and leaving me. That act brought on major depression and self confidence/self-worth issues within myself as well. I have never been a very confident person and I didn't believe any woman would want to spend any amount of time with me romantically. I'm a relatively attractive guy but the thought of being with women over the last few years has scared the shit out of me because I don't want to get hurt like that again. I have actually recently started to see a counselor due to my insecurities/depression/anxiety...
on to the current situation:
We had a good conversation over facebook the first time she contacted me, in which she had expressed to me that she thought about me often over the years and that she didn't realize how much I had meant to her until recently. After that, we decided to meet for dinner. I was very excited for the prospect of a date with her and wanted the night to go well. As it turns out, that night went very well as we went over to a bar afterwards and ended up parting with a good night kiss (after we closed the place down).
We got together and had some very good and emotionally connecting times a few times a week since then. We've expressed our fears and anxieties about relationships to each other during those times and she has expressed her interest in continuing to see me. Something happened a few nights ago though that I wasn't expecting. We had a couple drinks one night (not enough to be drunk but enough to speak our minds) and she told me she has always loved me. I have developed what I think are those same feelings for her and told her that I loved her as well.
the next day (monday) we spent the evening together as well and it seemed a little weird for me. I expected her to be a more affectionate toward me because of what happened the night before, but that didn't happen. In fact, it seemed to me like she was pushing away as if she got scared all of a sudden. I started to worry about it and toward the end of the night I brought up the conversation the night before and asked if what we had talked about had scared her. She told me no and asked me the same thing and if it seemed like she was acting differently. I said no, but I didn't mention the fact that I felt she was keeping a little more distant. I wasn't expecting to stay the night that night, so later I asked when I could see her again. After discussing our plans for the week (her being busy with work and me going camping with some friends) we had settled on her coming down sunday. After that, I proposed to go to lunch on Friday, which she had previously wanted to get together on those days for lunch. She declined stating that she would probably have to go to lunch around 10 or 11 since she had to go into work early that day (she knows that I can go to lunch whenever but didn't ask me if I wanted to do an early lunch with her). I ended up staying that night when she told me she would like me to stay. The next morning as I left, we said "Love you" to each other and that I would call her in a couple days. I called her tonight, but it went straight to voicemail (had the phone off) and hasn't returned my call yet.
so, here I am. I can feel anxiety creeping in and starting to panic a little. I know my short comings and I'm trying to face them without showing her too much of my "ugly side" too soon. I'm scared I(we) might have gone to far too soon and that this won't end well.
am I thinking/looking to much into what may be sheer circumstance or is there something to read into this?
(disclaimer - this might be a bit dramatic, so there might be some that won't find this interesting)
I just recently started a new relationship with a woman I haven't seen in 9 years. We reconnected through facebook about a month ago and have been seeing each other pretty regularly since. I'd like to share a little background before getting to my question(s).
She has recently (a year and a half ago) been through a traumatic break-up with a fiancee who lied/cheated on her. She put on a few pounds (which, I don't mind at all - I still find her very attractive) and currently has some confidence, as well as self worth issues.
I have been single (save for one short relationship) for the last five years after the woman who I thought I was going to marry ended up cheating on and leaving me. That act brought on major depression and self confidence/self-worth issues within myself as well. I have never been a very confident person and I didn't believe any woman would want to spend any amount of time with me romantically. I'm a relatively attractive guy but the thought of being with women over the last few years has scared the shit out of me because I don't want to get hurt like that again. I have actually recently started to see a counselor due to my insecurities/depression/anxiety...
on to the current situation:
We had a good conversation over facebook the first time she contacted me, in which she had expressed to me that she thought about me often over the years and that she didn't realize how much I had meant to her until recently. After that, we decided to meet for dinner. I was very excited for the prospect of a date with her and wanted the night to go well. As it turns out, that night went very well as we went over to a bar afterwards and ended up parting with a good night kiss (after we closed the place down).
We got together and had some very good and emotionally connecting times a few times a week since then. We've expressed our fears and anxieties about relationships to each other during those times and she has expressed her interest in continuing to see me. Something happened a few nights ago though that I wasn't expecting. We had a couple drinks one night (not enough to be drunk but enough to speak our minds) and she told me she has always loved me. I have developed what I think are those same feelings for her and told her that I loved her as well.
the next day (monday) we spent the evening together as well and it seemed a little weird for me. I expected her to be a more affectionate toward me because of what happened the night before, but that didn't happen. In fact, it seemed to me like she was pushing away as if she got scared all of a sudden. I started to worry about it and toward the end of the night I brought up the conversation the night before and asked if what we had talked about had scared her. She told me no and asked me the same thing and if it seemed like she was acting differently. I said no, but I didn't mention the fact that I felt she was keeping a little more distant. I wasn't expecting to stay the night that night, so later I asked when I could see her again. After discussing our plans for the week (her being busy with work and me going camping with some friends) we had settled on her coming down sunday. After that, I proposed to go to lunch on Friday, which she had previously wanted to get together on those days for lunch. She declined stating that she would probably have to go to lunch around 10 or 11 since she had to go into work early that day (she knows that I can go to lunch whenever but didn't ask me if I wanted to do an early lunch with her). I ended up staying that night when she told me she would like me to stay. The next morning as I left, we said "Love you" to each other and that I would call her in a couple days. I called her tonight, but it went straight to voicemail (had the phone off) and hasn't returned my call yet.
so, here I am. I can feel anxiety creeping in and starting to panic a little. I know my short comings and I'm trying to face them without showing her too much of my "ugly side" too soon. I'm scared I(we) might have gone to far too soon and that this won't end well.
am I thinking/looking to much into what may be sheer circumstance or is there something to read into this?
nerra on
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Take tonight, for example. You called her, and it went straight to voicemail. So what? Maybe her phone is out of batteries, maybe she dropped it in the toilet, maybe she's washing her hair, who cares? If she feels the same way that you do about her, she will make sure to call you back. Leave one (ONE!!!) nice message on her phone saying how you're just calling to say hi, how are things, let's go have another one of those awesome candlelight dinners again this weekend. Then hang up. For a good idea of what NOT to do (that you're probably doing right now), I recommend you go watch the movie Swingers. Pay special attention to the guy that calls the girl about twenty times before the night is over, completely ruining any chance he had with the poor girl.
In this stage of the relationship, I would definitely stay away from the L- word. You're still in the infatuation stage, throwing that word around right now is dangerous, and just don't do it. Moving quickly isn't necessarily a bad thing, just understand that love doesn't happen overnight and it definitely doesn't happen at first sight.
This is all, of course, just a random internet stranger's opinion.
Odds are you're just making stuff outta nothing. Just go with the flow.
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I'm just trying to understand the time you two have been together.... because it seems like a week or two since she contacted you on facebook. Is this correct?
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Love you after a month?
No.
@alyce - yeah, it's been a short while. We started talking again at the beginning of september.
it's mostly the irrational feelings of fear and uncertainty that upset me. She hasn't really done anything to warrant me having those feelings, yet they pop up anyways.
And yes, I understand with the quickness that the word "love" was spoken, that these feelings could have been misconstrued. I'm not a young-young man (I'm almost 30) but I do realize what that word means.
is it probable that these feelings (most of them, including "love") could be my fear of getting hurt again and an over reaction to the entire situation?
However, this is perfectly normal. What you should be doing is NOT letting those anxious feelings take control of you.
I had these same feelings a while back and I DID let them get the best of me and I ended up getting some therapy, which, to be honest, was actually helpful but my relationship with my then fiance got rocky for a bit so YMMV.
The Swingers reference is gold because thats not the sort of thing you should be doing and it sounds like you're not.
Also, love CAN happen after a month.
It happens all the time.
Just because some people haven't experienced it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
I tell my 7 year old to wear her helmet when she is riding her bike(it's a regulation on base housing) and she asks me why. I tell her it keeps her from opening up her head and it's a law. She replies that she's never hurt her head when she's fallen before.
Just because it hasn't happened yet does'nt mean it won't ever happen?
Good luck.
That is generalizing. I said it to my wife a week after we met and we have been married going on 10 years and are more happy today then ever!
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My advice is to not try to push back to where she was uncomfortable. Loosen up, get some confidence in yourself that the woman wants to be with you (all signs point to yes) and continue at a pace she's comfortable with.
I gave myself this advice a few months ago, and now my girl and I are very serious and moving in together this weekend. Good luck!
This sounds about right on both sides. The fear, anyways, not neccessarily the reality. Doesn't sounds like you actually are going too far too fast as yet, but its a reasonable concern. Slowing things down does not equal 'pulling away', its a slowdown, not a recession. Okay bad example, but I hope you get what I'm going for here.
Relax man, take it easy. There no real hurry to get anywhere, just take it as it comes. The last thing either of you wants is to be put into a position where you have to force things to make them work. Just let the situation evolve on its own terms, and put any agenda you might have (or are afraid you might have) aside for a while. If its going to happen, its going to happen, and vice versa.
I care. >:O
In all seriousness, though. You may feel this strongly toward her, but that dosen't mean that she feels the same. Maybe she does. Maybe she's feeling the exact same thing as you as you go through this thread. Maybe not. You can't ever truly know. We all have our insecurities, and sometimes they get the better of us. Perhaps she felt she went too far, too fast. Perhaps she just needs some time to think if she is ready to move into a more serious level of commitment with the love thing. Perhaps her heart was abducted by ninjas and she is, even now, fighting for its return in the depths of the Shadowdark so she can come back to you. Maybe she had a family emergency. Who knows?
What you can know is that, if she wants to, she will call you back. Calling her incessantly will not increase the chances of this happening. Nor will fretting. Focusing on her not calling you back will lead to more negativity which will become apparent when you next see eachother. Just relax, and see where it goes.
Lovers and madmen have such seething brains, such shaping fantasies, that apprehend more than cool reason ever comprehends.
I hope things work out for the best. Thanks again.
You do not want to invest too much of yourself into a dead-end or negative relationship. Our past shapes us and, taking this woman's past into consideration, I'm under the assumption that she may have serious mental or relational issues.
And, do not become dependent upon this person in any shape or form. I fear you will only be setting yourself up for more heartache. Choose wisely, my young Padawan.