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GF seems to always think I'm cheating on her.
strategery
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Afternoon H/A. Now I'm not normally one to go to an internet forum for girlfriend woes. But this is driving me insane, and my friends are idiots. So I figure a fresh perspective can't hurt.
Basically my girl seems to think I'm cheating on her all the time. This all stems from one night when one of her best friends sent her a message on facebook saying they saw me downtown with another woman kissing and holding on to her. I knew this was BS, but of course she wasn't believing me. We'd only been going out a few weeks at the time, and it was one of her long time best friends saying this. So it was understandable that she wanted the whole story before freaking out. So I told her to call her friend and we'd get the story together, because I knew I had never done this. Turns out I was apparently cheating on her on a Saturday night between 2 and 3 in the morning... a Saturday night where I was actually sitting next to my girl friend watching movies until 5am. So it was automatically and blatantly bullshit.
So now enter the latest issue. We have now been going out for just shy of 2 months, and for me it's been a very happy 2 months. I am completely committed to this girl, she is the most amazing thing in my life right now and I would do absolutely nothing to jeopardize this. We work completely opposite schedules most days, and since she has no idea what I'm up to while I'm at work(like wise for me) she seems to still have some potential trust issues. She's been staying at my house a lot. Pretty much every day since we met with a few exceptions. I mean we're always together.
So I left for work around 6:55 in the morning. I guess around like 9 or 9:30 a couple of girls she had never seen come knocking on my door. And she has automatically assumed the worst. I've been dealing with emails all morning basically acting like the Spanish inquisition. Even though I told her yesterday I had no idea who they were or why they were there. In fact last night was a really relaxing and happy night for both of us, but today seems to have just gotten started on completely the wrong foot.
So here's my question. How do I get her to trust me as much as I trust her? I feel like I'm doing everything I can. I let her borrow my car to go to work just so she can see that I'm not really going anywhere. I let her check out my phone whenever there's "questions" about text messages I may or may not have gotten. I've given her the spare key to my house so she can come and go as she pleases. And I tell her constantly just what she means to me. I mean I really, REALLY, like this girl(borderline love right now). On top of that I've been cheated on before. I know how it feels, what it makes you want to do, and how it affects future relationships. I DO NOT want to put anyone through that hell.
So help me out here H/A. I'm clueless as to how I can get her to just believe that I am not out to hurt her. My friends have no input, and i feel like I've tried everything I can. I popped by my house before she went to work her lunch shift and had a small discussion with her. I think she understands that I don't know who those girls were, what they wanted, or why the fuck they were at my house. But I'm just tired of feeling like I have to defend myself because she thinks every guy on earth is out to hurt her. I just want her to see what she means to me, and have complete faith that I really mean everything I say.
Basically my girl seems to think I'm cheating on her all the time. This all stems from one night when one of her best friends sent her a message on facebook saying they saw me downtown with another woman kissing and holding on to her. I knew this was BS, but of course she wasn't believing me. We'd only been going out a few weeks at the time, and it was one of her long time best friends saying this. So it was understandable that she wanted the whole story before freaking out. So I told her to call her friend and we'd get the story together, because I knew I had never done this. Turns out I was apparently cheating on her on a Saturday night between 2 and 3 in the morning... a Saturday night where I was actually sitting next to my girl friend watching movies until 5am. So it was automatically and blatantly bullshit.
So now enter the latest issue. We have now been going out for just shy of 2 months, and for me it's been a very happy 2 months. I am completely committed to this girl, she is the most amazing thing in my life right now and I would do absolutely nothing to jeopardize this. We work completely opposite schedules most days, and since she has no idea what I'm up to while I'm at work(like wise for me) she seems to still have some potential trust issues. She's been staying at my house a lot. Pretty much every day since we met with a few exceptions. I mean we're always together.
So I left for work around 6:55 in the morning. I guess around like 9 or 9:30 a couple of girls she had never seen come knocking on my door. And she has automatically assumed the worst. I've been dealing with emails all morning basically acting like the Spanish inquisition. Even though I told her yesterday I had no idea who they were or why they were there. In fact last night was a really relaxing and happy night for both of us, but today seems to have just gotten started on completely the wrong foot.
So here's my question. How do I get her to trust me as much as I trust her? I feel like I'm doing everything I can. I let her borrow my car to go to work just so she can see that I'm not really going anywhere. I let her check out my phone whenever there's "questions" about text messages I may or may not have gotten. I've given her the spare key to my house so she can come and go as she pleases. And I tell her constantly just what she means to me. I mean I really, REALLY, like this girl(borderline love right now). On top of that I've been cheated on before. I know how it feels, what it makes you want to do, and how it affects future relationships. I DO NOT want to put anyone through that hell.
So help me out here H/A. I'm clueless as to how I can get her to just believe that I am not out to hurt her. My friends have no input, and i feel like I've tried everything I can. I popped by my house before she went to work her lunch shift and had a small discussion with her. I think she understands that I don't know who those girls were, what they wanted, or why the fuck they were at my house. But I'm just tired of feeling like I have to defend myself because she thinks every guy on earth is out to hurt her. I just want her to see what she means to me, and have complete faith that I really mean everything I say.
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Also, grown ups may hang around with people of the opposite sex. It happens. Even if there were girls she had never met before showing up at your house, I don't see how that is a problem. Just because you are dating someone does not mean you should be banned from talking to girls. This isn't 1750.
but they're listening to every word I say
I assume you haven't just asked her why she keeps thinking such a thing.
I don't personally know of any way to turn this around. She has some deep seeded issue here, and until she can at least admit that her thoughts are irrational it's going to be trouble.
Does she phrase her inquisitions with; "I know this is crazy but.." or "I'm sorry to keep asking you, it's just bugging me that...". Does she realize her fears are irrational? Jealousy is a pretty natural thing, it's all about how she deals with it and the couple deals with it together.
Generally, I advise for you to be understanding, be supportive so she can develop trust and whatnot. However, when that fails (as it has, because you sound like you've been incredibly patient throughout this), I recommend the dead opposite.
Quit enabling her bullshit behavior. Sit her down and explain that this is not acceptable, the whole thing is not acceptable, and if it continues down this path the relationship will end. I understand you're in love with her, but if you're already at the point of asking us for help on H/A, it's clear it's bothering you significantly, and it will only get worse.
Emotion drives cognition drives behavior. So work in reverse. Make it clear there will be no more bullshit accusations unless she's willing to turn this into a huge potentially relationship breaking scandal. No more cell-phone checking. No more any of this absurd shit you wouldn't expect with any other girlfriend. Cut the behavior off. As you do so, explain why. Explain that her cognitions of you potentially cheating are wrong, don't come from any realistic base, and are hurtful to both of you. Eventually, hopefully, the change in behavior and work on change in cognition will change the emotion, and then the issue will be gone.
My initial thinking says you should just drop this girl because this sounds like an complete uphill battle that will never be finished and probably not worth the energy/sanity to fight.
After fully reading it, I think this girl has some pretty big issues with self-confidence or been fucked over one too many times where now she can't trust anybody in the world. Plus it sounds like she some amazingly shitty bitch friends (seeing as you both caught one in a lie - speaking of which, is your GF STILL considering her a friend?!). Cut bait and run - I don't think you want to spend more time with someone with this kind of baggage.
This is very important. Is she aware her emotions drive her to irrational cognitions, and she has poor capacity to stop herself from acting on them? Or is this all "reasonable" in her crazy-land head?
That's the thing I have no idea. When she told me about them yesterday I was just as surprised by it as she was. I do live next to the mormon temple for Boise so for all I know they were missionaries, or highschool/middle school kids doing a magazine drive or some shit. The fact that she didn't answer the door to find out what they wanted, yet immediately jumped to the worst possible conclusion is a little unsettling. They didn't come back today, but she brought it up pretty much first thing this morning.
And that's the even stranger thing. She's hung out with my female friends, and like-wise her best friend is a guy. A guy that she even admitted to making out with on a couple of occasions. Yet this sort of thing seems to be bugging the shit out of her when it comes to me. I'm assuming this is all still coming from her best friends accusing me of cheating on her before, but I already proved that was completely bullshit. So I don't get why it's a lingering issue.
No. Uually it's a face of obvious irritation, and questions that are very direct and to the point. I mean when I popped by my house to get some coffee this morning, the first words out of her mouth were "so you don't know those girls at all then?"
And on a side note, just to show the lengths that I trust her and want her to trust me. Nobody has ever, and I do mean EVER, driven my car without me being there. I let her take it to work, and drive it around without me supervising that shit. I'm extremely, EXTREMELY, protective of my BMW. I don't let people fuck around with it, but to prove to her that I don't want to hurt her, and that I will wait around in my house all night for her to get off just so I can see her I let her take my car rather than hers. I don't even ask her for the keys to her car so I can go places. I just don't go anywhere those nights.
And let me say these issues to bother me yes. I am planning to talk to her and be like look what you're doing is driving me insane. I love you but I don't want to have to keep putting up with this. But I guess they don't bother me extremely bad just yet. I want advice so I can stop it before it explodes into an insanely huge problem, hence me coming here. Even though we've been faced with this before, we came through it no problem. And I actually don't hate her friend for the accusation because it kind of brought us closer together. I just want these insecurities with our relationship to end, because I have all too much fun being around her to want this to end yet.
Not sayin that this is the case, but it sounds like it could be.
I agree with the other posts about trying to calmly understand why she's having these trust issues, maybe she's been cheated on in the past or has watched her friends' relationships deteriorate because of infidelity, maybe she just has some deep seated self-confidence issues, but if you're serious about continuing to date her you need to figure this out.
Also, out of curiosity, how old are you two?
Projection?
We're both 23.
Don't enable her crazy behavior.
but they're listening to every word I say
Edit: After reading your second post, I'm even more convinced this is the best possible route.
She didn't even open the door, but just assumed you were fucking them?
Projected guilt, that's it.
So the problem will solve itself in a week or two when you are four relationships removed from this one.
I would ankle this batshit loco chick and move on to green fields and dancing puppies. She is clearly to young and stupid to respond to things like logic and reason, so DTMFA.
Or you could actively cheat on her. If you're gonna take grief for it anyway then you might as well get your rocks off in the meantime.
This. Quit putting up with this bullshit right now, unless you have no value of your own personal freedom.
With a side bonus of your latest post containing this:
She's admitted to making out with him. $20 says she's done more than that.
Any takers against?
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
Yeah, that's old enough to know better. Figure out why she's doing it, and if she's unwilling to explain or doesn't have a real reason for it beware that she just may have an overcontrolling personality.
As has been mentioned, just tell her that you have not done anything to violate her trust and unless that happens, you would appreciate not being accused of being untrustworthy.
This, however, is far more troubling to me.
Have you talked with this 'best friend' of hers to discern why they accused you of cheating on her without any shred of proof? That is the first thing I would get out of the way. It sounds like this person is trying to stir up trouble between the two of you and your girlfriend should really be leery of anything this person has to say.
Edit: WHOA ho ho, I didn't see the "her best friend is a guy and they've made out" part. It's very clear now why this person made those accusations. I wouldn't advise sticking around in this relationship OP, but if you do, I'd sit down with your gf and really discuss this situation with her "best friend".
That's kind of the feeling I'm getting to. But the odd thing is that we've both had our back and forths, and I don't feel controlled so to speak. I mean when stuff like this doesn't happen it's like the perfect relationship. We're hanging out, or going out with friends. She has her space and I have mine. It just seems to be a lot of awful coincidences that keep leading up to this. I mean she had a point when she asked me if the positions were reversed would I be inquisitive? I mean hell yes I would be, but I trust her enough to say that if you can look me in the eye and tell me you don't know who they were that I would believe it. She always introduces me to her friends, and makes them aware that I'm her boyfriend and I do the same courtesy for her. So 2 girls, or 2 guys if the positions were reversed, showing up at the house that I/she have never seen before could be a cause for suspicion. Especially after only 2 months.
In her defense this time was a lot easier to show her that I was being honest. She pretty much took my word for it, but she came across extremely bitchy in the way she tried to ask me about it. Almost as if all the trust I had built up with her went out the window the second 2 women that even I had never seen before show'd up at my house. It's just really stupid to me. Maybe I'm just reading too much into this, and looking at it from an entirely too logical of a perspective(as women are far more emotionally driven than men). But I just want to make sure there's nothing that can be done to strengthen things.
Why so pessimistic? She sounds batshit crazy in the kind of way that isn't easy to deal with, you don't sound like you're willing to confront it nearly directly enough, and you're under the impression you can 'outlast' this or be patient throughout it. You'll grow irritable, or distant, or depressed, and eventually will break it off (most likely).
Why not 100:1 then? There's a slight chance that you'll figure out you can't let things continue like they're going right now and you need a huge change (even if it seems like things are mostly okay right now). Furthermore, this needs to be coupled with her having enough interspection and sanity to recognize her irrational and destructive behavior and become committed to fixing it. I'd say her reaction is even less likely than your correct action.
Anyone place the odds higher/lower?
There were no girls.
my personal feeling is that not only has it gone past that, but it's continuing.
I would. I've seen the guy, and I know she's not his type. He's a very large dude. The second date we ever went on she explained in great detail everything that happened between them. Basically they had both gotten out of bad relationships(his wife cheated on him, her ex boyfriend was a tweaker doing crack behind her back), they both got really drunk and she just started kissing him. I'm 99% positive it went no further than that. She's a very little girl, and he's a very hefty guy. Even drunk she wouldn't even consider going that far with him.
As soon as she confronted me with this message, I gave her my phone and told her to call this friend. I spoke with the friend directly, and it turned out to be a case of mistaken identity. What she saw was some guy who looked like me hanging out with another girl. She never asked for this guys name, and admittedly couldn't even remember mine(so how she remembered what I look like is beyond me). And my girlfriend was completely convinced that I didn't do anything.
Is this the baseless speculation thread now?
Stop enabling, don't just break up with her though. Try to work it out, if it doesn't get fixed then break up with her.
Don't go start accusing her of lying or cheating. This thread really jumped the shark.
but they're listening to every word I say
She could have been trying to get some kind of response out of him.
I've seen girls who make their friends go hit on their boyfriends to see if they would cheat.
And when people cheat themselves they tend to also get paranoid of other people cheating on them.
My girlfriend of 4 years who I was madly in love with, and she with me, suddenly started cheating on me with a guy who was HUGE! She told me that they made out once, and then after I grew suspicious she kept telling me that he's just a friend and that he's way too fat, not his type, yadda yadda yadda. Doesn't matter. She was boning the guy every week.
She's either been cheated on big time in the past or she's projecting her self issues on you.
Let's not go down this route. Here there be dragons and misogynist pricks.
That's pretty much the gameplan right now. I'm confronting her about it tonight after I get off work. We're supposed to go shopping together so having some time just the two of us to walk and talk will be good. I just want this shit taken care of. I love everything about her, but this. And this in all actuality is most likely going to end us if she doesn't stop the insecurities.
but they're listening to every word I say
well that might be a damned fine reason why she has problems trusting
There's not enough lime in the world for this post.
Quit enabling her to be crazy, dude.
^The worst advice^
There are plenty of non crazies out there.
but they're listening to every word I say
I've hung out with the guy several times with her around. I've seen the way they interact, talked to other friends of hers, and have complete trust that this is not the case. Her friend even comment that Paul is obsessed with her, and desperately wants to sleep with her. But she keeps denying it because he's not her type. If she's projecting cheating on me with someone else, I know it's not that guy.
No, there really aren't.
Wow. You have some serious issues with women, don't you?
Oh yeah. Major issues.
"Can I help you?"
"Hi, we're just selling cookies/registering voters/spreading the word of the true savior/etc."
"Oh, so you're not fucking my boyfriend then? Cool."