How do I set myself straight?

SipexSipex Registered User regular
edited October 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
RESOLVED. THANKS MUCH!

(Damn controls, can't figure out how to change the title yet)

So another ask for help thread, focus, my relationship.

----Wall of text of relevant factors----

We've been together for over 5 years, we're engaged, practically married, live together are even trying to kids now (we're not religious so marriage isn't a huge hurdle for us).

To get the basic questions out of the way:
- We're both 23 (nearly 24)
- Yes we know we could financially and emotionally support a kid. We're as ready as we're going to get.
- We've been engaged for 5 years (rushed into it then held off on the marriage to allow ourselves to deal with normal life and figure out if we were really ready).
- We'll get married when we want to, if we want to, in all honesty nothing will change at this point.
- We've been living together for 4 years.

A while ago she cheated on me twice, big fuss, break up for a bit and we got back together, she's been good ever since...heck, she's even offered to allow me to sleep with other women if I wanted to. Several reasons I would never do that though the biggest one being I really don't want to.

---Actual Problem---

Lately, like the past 3 months I've been...well, I guess the best word for it is swooning and lusting over other women. This is more than just checking girls out and finding them attractive, like, I've seriously thought about what life and sex would be like with another woman. This happens pretty much everytime I find another woman attractive.

Now, I know I still love my (pretty much) wife, we get along amazingly, have similar interests and similar senses of humour. I can't imagine my life without her. I also know that if we broke up I'd be over this feeling in a very short time, how so? This is how I felt right before we broke up and it went away in less than a month.

How do I get myself to stop this feeling? I know it's an irrational and stupid feeling. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something or am I just crazy?

Sipex on

Posts

  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Talk to her about it. Finding yourself attracted to other women is not bad and if its somethign thats gotten consuming the communication needs to be open enough.

    Improvolone on
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  • NateVaderNateVader Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Congratulations, you're a human being.

    Learn to deal with it. So you think other women are attractive, that's your biological imperative. As long as you realize that it's just your raging hormones, then it's got zero control over you.

    NateVader on
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  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Sounds like you may have some unresolved issues related to her cheating on you. Not to get all psycho-analytical, but this might be something you'd want to talk to a therapist about.

    Sentry on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
  • widowsonwidowson Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Sipex wrote: »
    So another ask for help thread, focus, my relationship.

    ----Wall of text of relevant factors----

    We've been together for over 5 years, we're engaged, practically married, live together are even trying to kids now (we're not religious so marriage isn't a huge hurdle for us).

    To get the basic questions out of the way:
    - We're both 23 (nearly 24)
    - Yes we know we could financially and emotionally support a kid. We're as ready as we're going to get.
    - We've been engaged for 5 years (rushed into it then held off on the marriage to allow ourselves to deal with normal life and figure out if we were really ready).
    - We'll get married when we want to, if we want to, in all honesty nothing will change at this point.
    - We've been living together for 4 years.

    A while ago she cheated on me twice, big fuss, break up for a bit and we got back together, she's been good ever since...heck, she's even offered to allow me to sleep with other women if I wanted to. Several reasons I would never do that though the biggest one being I really don't want to.

    ---Actual Problem---

    Lately, like the past 3 months I've been...well, I guess the best word for it is swooning and lusting over other women. This is more than just checking girls out and finding them attractive, like, I've seriously thought about what life and sex would be like with another woman. This happens pretty much everytime I find another woman attractive.

    Now, I know I still love my (pretty much) wife, we get along amazingly, have similar interests and similar senses of humour. I can't imagine my life without her. I also know that if we broke up I'd be over this feeling in a very short time, how so? This is how I felt right before we broke up and it went away in less than a month.

    How do I get myself to stop this feeling? I know it's an irrational and stupid feeling. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something or am I just crazy?


    Respectfully, I think your actual problem is bolded above. Subconsciously, you might still have an issue with that which may lead into your stated problem.

    Normally, I'd just say your stated problem is the demon all men have to deal with; that stupid desire to bang every hot chick we can like an animal which we need to learn to control, but that fact that your GF "offered to allow (you) to sleep with other women" is out of the ordinary.

    widowson on
    -I owe nothing to Women's Lib.

    Margaret Thatcher
  • SipexSipex Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Damn hormones, bloody troublemakers. Now that you guys mention it I have felt this for a long time just for some reason it's either become much more extreme lately or it's just started bugging me lately.

    You might be right about the second part though, maybe talking to her about it will sort my mind out.

    Sipex on
  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    You've also been with one woman for some time. It's not like you've been dating her a month and are seriously eyeing some new candy.

    Improvolone on
    Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
  • celandinecelandine Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Questions to ask her and you:
    does she really want an open relationship? What would be her ground rules be? ("I have to meet the girl," "No sleeping over at someone else's house," etc. would be examples)

    Is there any way to make this work with kids in the picture? I'm not sure if a couple can have an open relationship without making it a bad environment for young children, but maybe there's some family out their proving me wrong.

    There are two good outcomes, as I see it -- either you do see other women with your pretty-much-wife's agreement, or you leave that in the realm of imagination. The bad outcome is cheating, so don't do that.

    Also, think about precisely what it is you do imagine about those other women, and ask yourself why that is necessarily impossible with your wife. I think a lot of times people don't want to be "crude" with people they love, and never realize "Wait, I could do [dirty thing] with my wife and it might be fun."

    celandine on
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  • DjeetDjeet Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Call it the 5 year itch or what you will. You need to come to terms with the fact that you'll probably continue to find other women attractive at some point or another and be ok with that. Meaning you figure out how to cope with those feelings without trying to have sex with them, or you make sure your current partner is ok with you fucking other women (yeah, I know you said she is, but if it were to really happen she might have 2nd thoughts, especially if she was telling you things she thought you wanted to hear).

    I've been in a committed relationship for 9 years, married 5. I still find other women attractive, sometimes it can be really distracting if I have to interact with them regularly. And yet I know I'm never going to take steps to develop any kind of sexual relationship with these women. It's like any other craving you consciously choose not to indulge.

    When you say "I also know that if we broke up I'd be over this feeling in a very short time" do you mean get over your love for your fiancee or get over your infatuation with other women?

    Djeet on
  • SliderSlider Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    I'd hate to be in your shoes. If someone cheats on me, I end the relationship. I think you can find love anywhere. I found it in a terrible woman (fiance) who cheated on me and was also "lusting" after other men. I had doubts and reservations, but chose not to heed the warnings.

    Some people never change. You either need to find happiness and satisfaction in what you have or end the relationship.

    Slider on
  • korrianderkorriander Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    If you cannot talk through what you're feeling with the woman you have loved for five years, lived with for four, and consider to be as close as a wife (sans a piece of paper saying so)... Don't stay. Work through it, if you love her. Don't keep your misgivings secret until it tears the two of you apart.

    korriander on
  • JavenJaven Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    I don't think this has that much to do with her cheating on you. Unless there's some subconscious part of you that thinks having sex with someone else would "cancel it out" then I'm really not seeing any legitimate correlation between her cheating on you and you noticing other women more than you used to.

    The thing with relationships is that just because you're in one, doesn't turn everyone else into an uggo. You're still going to run into attractive women at the same rate you did before you got together.

    When you envision being with these other women, how do you feel afterwards? Is life colorful and amazing and yards better than what you have now, do you snap to and realize you love your girlfriend, or is it a simple daydream and you go back to what you're doing?

    Javen on
  • desperaterobotsdesperaterobots perth, ausRegistered User regular
    edited October 2009
    23 is pretty much smack bang in the middle of the age of youthful fucking around. I think your feelings are perfectly natural, and if you've been with this one girl since you were 18, I think they may even be worth exploring. If you're not certain that this girl is the one - and I think those kinds of doubts, if they exist, would be natural given the history - I say take a break and dive in to the big wide world of open thighs you're missing out on.

    You may regret it, that's all.

    desperaterobots on
  • SipexSipex Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    On the "if we broke up it'd be gone thing" I was referring to the infatuation with other women. I mean, I'd still find them attractive yes but the hormones would tone down after that one month period and I'd be back to normal (to point out, when we broke up I got zero action during that time, so it wasn't some sort of release I got out or anything).

    Second, I'm not a cheating guy, I just could never do that, it isn't a risk. Heck, I've had dreams about other women and I turn them down :P.

    I've thought about it a lot and I think it's just my brain going into 'what ifs' as I didn't date too much, spent a lot of my highschool days hung up on a crush I turned out not being attracted to and my other girlfriend was long distance so I barely count that at all. I just get jealous seeing people live lives I'll never experience but I've realised I can't have every situation and that I'm very happy with the one I've got.

    Thanks for the input guys, it helped me think.

    Sipex on
  • Namel3ssNamel3ss Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Sipex wrote: »
    On the "if we broke up it'd be gone thing" I was referring to the infatuation with other women. I mean, I'd still find them attractive yes but the hormones would tone down after that one month period and I'd be back to normal (to point out, when we broke up I got zero action during that time, so it wasn't some sort of release I got out or anything).

    Second, I'm not a cheating guy, I just could never do that, it isn't a risk. Heck, I've had dreams about other women and I turn them down :P.

    I've thought about it a lot and I think it's just my brain going into 'what ifs' as I didn't date too much, spent a lot of my highschool days hung up on a crush I turned out not being attracted to and my other girlfriend was long distance so I barely count that at all. I just get jealous seeing people live lives I'll never experience but I've realized I can't have every situation and that I'm very happy with the one I've got.

    Thanks for the input guys, it helped me think.

    This is the key right there, its what can make life so special and so frustrating; make the most of it.

    I am a person who got married at a very young age, 17 actually; but she was worth it. Sure, just like you, I would really enjoy screwing with every attractive girl I meet; but I don't, and truthfully, I would not trade now if I had the chance. I wouldn't trade what we have for all the random sex in the world.

    By the way, we are 24 now and we made it through college and are starting good careers; so it can work out.

    I would really implore you to seriously take a second consideration on the children issue. I can't imagine being responsible for another human being that way and it isn't going to make things any easier on you. Pregnancy is going to change a great deal of things; about her, about you and your relationship.

    Namel3ss on
    May the wombat of happiness snuffle through your underbrush.
  • leafleaf Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    korriander wrote: »
    If you cannot talk through what you're feeling with the woman you have loved for five years, lived with for four, and consider to be as close as a wife (sans a piece of paper saying so)... Don't stay. Work through it, if you love her. Don't keep your misgivings secret until it tears the two of you apart.

    I always get a kick out of you giving relationship advice.

    leaf on
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  • SipexSipex Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Oh hey, this thread still lives.

    Yeah, we talked about it and she mentioned that she gets those feelings sometimes too and we agreed it's just a situational thing, the whole 'what if' scenario again...but we're both incredibly happy with each other and we're both perfectly fine with the other checking out people.

    Also, on the child thing, that's not an issue, we've talked about it a lot over the past few years. So many reasons have come up for us to not do it and we've talked about it and decided that we still want to do it despite these reasons. We both feel ready, we're both stable and feel as though we've matured enough and we've realised that really....there's never going to be a perfect time to have a child. There's always something or someone saying "you shouldn't do it now" and if we keep listening to those instead of deciding on our own we'll be 40 and childless before we know it.

    Sipex on
  • DerrickDerrick Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_%27the_seven_year_itch%27


    What you're describing is basically the seven year itch. It looks like you two have talked it over and that's great. Good luck with the child!

    Derrick on
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  • GothicLargoGothicLargo Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Slider wrote: »
    If someone cheats on me, I end the relationship.

    I agree. If you have children it's slightly different ("Can we make this work for their sake?"), but if that's not the case then that's really all there is to it. Figure out who's moving out and then go find some cardboard boxes.

    GothicLargo on
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  • SheepSheep Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    edited October 2009
    I wouldn't take her up on her offer of infidelity if you wouldn't be happy with her sleeping around either. And you probably wouldn't, since sharing bodily fluids with others is kinda gross regardless.

    Anway, if you do, that'll most likely open the doors for her to do it again, and then relationship over.

    Suck it up. I'm in the first serious relationship I've been in for almost 10 years. Got burned, stayed out of them and just dicked around. I still find other women hot. I still get propositioned. Same thing happens to most guys. Most guys either do the jerk thing and go through with it and hide it, or they man up and control their emotions and act like an adult.

    You know what to do.

    Sheep on
  • SipexSipex Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    I'mma change the title since I've already resolved this so no further info is needed. Thanks though.

    Sipex on
  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited October 2009
    Slider wrote: »
    If someone cheats on me, I end the relationship.

    I agree. If you have children it's slightly different ("Can we make this work for their sake?"), but if that's not the case then that's really all there is to it. Figure out who's moving out and then go find some cardboard boxes.

    If this thread was about you, that might actually be relevent. But hey look, the OP is extremely happy in his relationship, despite the cheating, thus showing that people can still be together after such an event.

    So, perhaps telling him to pack his shit and move out is not overly helpful.

    Sentry on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
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