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How do I set myself straight?
Sipex
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
RESOLVED. THANKS MUCH!
(Damn controls, can't figure out how to change the title yet)
So another ask for help thread, focus, my relationship.
----Wall of text of relevant factors----
We've been together for over 5 years, we're engaged, practically married, live together are even trying to kids now (we're not religious so marriage isn't a huge hurdle for us).
To get the basic questions out of the way:
- We're both 23 (nearly 24)
- Yes we know we could financially and emotionally support a kid. We're as ready as we're going to get.
- We've been engaged for 5 years (rushed into it then held off on the marriage to allow ourselves to deal with normal life and figure out if we were really ready).
- We'll get married when we want to, if we want to, in all honesty nothing will change at this point.
- We've been living together for 4 years.
A while ago she cheated on me twice, big fuss, break up for a bit and we got back together, she's been good ever since...heck, she's even offered to allow me to sleep with other women if I wanted to. Several reasons I would never do that though the biggest one being I really don't want to.
---Actual Problem---
Lately, like the past 3 months I've been...well, I guess the best word for it is swooning and lusting over other women. This is more than just checking girls out and finding them attractive, like, I've seriously thought about what life and sex would be like with another woman. This happens pretty much everytime I find another woman attractive.
Now, I know I still love my (pretty much) wife, we get along amazingly, have similar interests and similar senses of humour. I can't imagine my life without her. I also know that if we broke up I'd be over this feeling in a very short time, how so? This is how I felt right before we broke up and it went away in less than a month.
How do I get myself to stop this feeling? I know it's an irrational and stupid feeling. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something or am I just crazy?
(Damn controls, can't figure out how to change the title yet)
So another ask for help thread, focus, my relationship.
----Wall of text of relevant factors----
We've been together for over 5 years, we're engaged, practically married, live together are even trying to kids now (we're not religious so marriage isn't a huge hurdle for us).
To get the basic questions out of the way:
- We're both 23 (nearly 24)
- Yes we know we could financially and emotionally support a kid. We're as ready as we're going to get.
- We've been engaged for 5 years (rushed into it then held off on the marriage to allow ourselves to deal with normal life and figure out if we were really ready).
- We'll get married when we want to, if we want to, in all honesty nothing will change at this point.
- We've been living together for 4 years.
A while ago she cheated on me twice, big fuss, break up for a bit and we got back together, she's been good ever since...heck, she's even offered to allow me to sleep with other women if I wanted to. Several reasons I would never do that though the biggest one being I really don't want to.
---Actual Problem---
Lately, like the past 3 months I've been...well, I guess the best word for it is swooning and lusting over other women. This is more than just checking girls out and finding them attractive, like, I've seriously thought about what life and sex would be like with another woman. This happens pretty much everytime I find another woman attractive.
Now, I know I still love my (pretty much) wife, we get along amazingly, have similar interests and similar senses of humour. I can't imagine my life without her. I also know that if we broke up I'd be over this feeling in a very short time, how so? This is how I felt right before we broke up and it went away in less than a month.
How do I get myself to stop this feeling? I know it's an irrational and stupid feeling. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something or am I just crazy?
Sipex on
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Learn to deal with it. So you think other women are attractive, that's your biological imperative. As long as you realize that it's just your raging hormones, then it's got zero control over you.
Respectfully, I think your actual problem is bolded above. Subconsciously, you might still have an issue with that which may lead into your stated problem.
Normally, I'd just say your stated problem is the demon all men have to deal with; that stupid desire to bang every hot chick we can like an animal which we need to learn to control, but that fact that your GF "offered to allow (you) to sleep with other women" is out of the ordinary.
Margaret Thatcher
You might be right about the second part though, maybe talking to her about it will sort my mind out.
does she really want an open relationship? What would be her ground rules be? ("I have to meet the girl," "No sleeping over at someone else's house," etc. would be examples)
Is there any way to make this work with kids in the picture? I'm not sure if a couple can have an open relationship without making it a bad environment for young children, but maybe there's some family out their proving me wrong.
There are two good outcomes, as I see it -- either you do see other women with your pretty-much-wife's agreement, or you leave that in the realm of imagination. The bad outcome is cheating, so don't do that.
Also, think about precisely what it is you do imagine about those other women, and ask yourself why that is necessarily impossible with your wife. I think a lot of times people don't want to be "crude" with people they love, and never realize "Wait, I could do [dirty thing] with my wife and it might be fun."
http://numberblog.wordpress.com/
I've been in a committed relationship for 9 years, married 5. I still find other women attractive, sometimes it can be really distracting if I have to interact with them regularly. And yet I know I'm never going to take steps to develop any kind of sexual relationship with these women. It's like any other craving you consciously choose not to indulge.
When you say "I also know that if we broke up I'd be over this feeling in a very short time" do you mean get over your love for your fiancee or get over your infatuation with other women?
Some people never change. You either need to find happiness and satisfaction in what you have or end the relationship.
The thing with relationships is that just because you're in one, doesn't turn everyone else into an uggo. You're still going to run into attractive women at the same rate you did before you got together.
When you envision being with these other women, how do you feel afterwards? Is life colorful and amazing and yards better than what you have now, do you snap to and realize you love your girlfriend, or is it a simple daydream and you go back to what you're doing?
You may regret it, that's all.
Second, I'm not a cheating guy, I just could never do that, it isn't a risk. Heck, I've had dreams about other women and I turn them down :P.
I've thought about it a lot and I think it's just my brain going into 'what ifs' as I didn't date too much, spent a lot of my highschool days hung up on a crush I turned out not being attracted to and my other girlfriend was long distance so I barely count that at all. I just get jealous seeing people live lives I'll never experience but I've realised I can't have every situation and that I'm very happy with the one I've got.
Thanks for the input guys, it helped me think.
This is the key right there, its what can make life so special and so frustrating; make the most of it.
I am a person who got married at a very young age, 17 actually; but she was worth it. Sure, just like you, I would really enjoy screwing with every attractive girl I meet; but I don't, and truthfully, I would not trade now if I had the chance. I wouldn't trade what we have for all the random sex in the world.
By the way, we are 24 now and we made it through college and are starting good careers; so it can work out.
I would really implore you to seriously take a second consideration on the children issue. I can't imagine being responsible for another human being that way and it isn't going to make things any easier on you. Pregnancy is going to change a great deal of things; about her, about you and your relationship.
I always get a kick out of you giving relationship advice.
Yeah, we talked about it and she mentioned that she gets those feelings sometimes too and we agreed it's just a situational thing, the whole 'what if' scenario again...but we're both incredibly happy with each other and we're both perfectly fine with the other checking out people.
Also, on the child thing, that's not an issue, we've talked about it a lot over the past few years. So many reasons have come up for us to not do it and we've talked about it and decided that we still want to do it despite these reasons. We both feel ready, we're both stable and feel as though we've matured enough and we've realised that really....there's never going to be a perfect time to have a child. There's always something or someone saying "you shouldn't do it now" and if we keep listening to those instead of deciding on our own we'll be 40 and childless before we know it.
What you're describing is basically the seven year itch. It looks like you two have talked it over and that's great. Good luck with the child!
I agree. If you have children it's slightly different ("Can we make this work for their sake?"), but if that's not the case then that's really all there is to it. Figure out who's moving out and then go find some cardboard boxes.
Anway, if you do, that'll most likely open the doors for her to do it again, and then relationship over.
Suck it up. I'm in the first serious relationship I've been in for almost 10 years. Got burned, stayed out of them and just dicked around. I still find other women hot. I still get propositioned. Same thing happens to most guys. Most guys either do the jerk thing and go through with it and hide it, or they man up and control their emotions and act like an adult.
You know what to do.
If this thread was about you, that might actually be relevent. But hey look, the OP is extremely happy in his relationship, despite the cheating, thus showing that people can still be together after such an event.
So, perhaps telling him to pack his shit and move out is not overly helpful.