Never know who to talk to about emotional stuff

Talka

I've been pretty unhappy for the better part of the past two years. There's been a range of issues I've been working through--break-ups, deaths, surgeries, bad abroad experiences, etc--and I feel like I'm spending every week down about some new issue or another. This isn't a thread about depression, though. I had a stint on antidepressants for a year or so, but I was taken off them when they weren't really having any effect and it looked like things were turning up on their own. Anyways, I'm optimistic about where my life is going. I'm pretty sure things are going to turn up for me eventually, and in the meantime I'm trying all sorts of ways to get my mind out of the gutter and start thinking positively again.

This is a thread about what to do in the meantime, until I can sort my shit out enough where I'm not moping around a few times a week. I mean, everybody gets down from time to time, right? And normally it just helps to talk your shit out and complain. Two years ago if some new issue had me down, I might call up my mom, or my brother, or my girlfriend at the time. Unfortunately, my mom passed away last year, my brother has become distant, and I'm now single. I went through a phase a year ago when I tried to bond closer with my friends and let them know when I was going through some shit. But more and more they didn't seem particularly interested or caring or helpful or anything, and I just felt alone and unfulfilled. So I've stopped telling my friends about any of my depressed moods or whenever bad shit happens to me. It's gotten to the point where a few weeks ago an old friend of mine died and I felt like shit for a week but I just didn't tell anybody about it because I didn't want any of their half-assed sympathy.

This also isn't supposed to be a thread where I bitch about my friends. We get along great and we have fun when we hang out. They're just not interested in being an emotional crutch for me, and I totally respect that. And I don't want to find a girlfriend just so I can use her for emotional support. But sometimes I just feel like shit and I don't know where I'm supposed to go with it.

So I'm looking for suggestions as to how to channel those sorts of feelings and let them out, given that I don't have any people in my life right now that I can ever bitch to or anything. I kept a journal for a few months, and it helped, but I let it slide and stopped using it. Sometimes I go on drives by myself and try to talk my problems out aloud, but I feel like a creeper and it doesn't really help anyways. I've been to therapy, but I never found any real help there, and I suspect I'm looking for friendship, not therapy. I just want a few ways to cope with some shit when I get down. I really crave some interpersonal interactions at those times, but I don't really have anywhere to go with it and I feel guilty about using other people to cheer me up. Where do you go when tough shit happens to you? I've spent the past few weeks trying to figure out who I should've told about the friend that passed away, and I still can't think of anyone I could've talked to about it.

Any suggestions or personal anecdotes about what you do when something (e.g., an old friend's death) has you down but you're not sure who to talk to about it?

Lail

Here's a good place to start. These H/A folk can be pretty good at listening (reading text?) and I feel more often than not they offer some pretty good advice.

I'm lucky that I have a close group of friends who are more than willing to talk about feelings and whatnot. When you tried talking to your friends before, was it one-on-one or in a group setting? I could be possible that if you guys are out trying to have fun, they just didn't want to the goodtimes to be spoiled? If you're just hanging out with one friend, not doing much, maybe they'd be able to listen for a bit. Just thinking outloud here....

Other than that, whenever I'm in a bad mood I hit the gym. I try to turn my sadness into frustration and then vent that by lifting heavy things.

It's good though that your optimistic about your life. Keep that optimism and you'll be fine.

Gandalf_the_Crazed

Do you have any old friends that you still keep in touch with online? I know that my IM list still has a bunch of really close friends from high school, who are now scattered across the country. Sharing with them has a few advantages:

1) They know me well enough to have some idea of context
2) They know me well enough to care
3) They are far enough away that I don't have to look them in the eye after baring my soul

You know anyone by that description?

Corvus

I'm not religious, but if you are, maybe church is a place to start.

Chanus

Okay, I've written and re-written a response to this thread at least ten times now without posting it. I'll go for the short-short version

To answer your question: If you have no one else to talk to, talk to us. We'll do our best to help, and I'm fairly certain someone here will have a good answer to any question or concern you might have.

To offer advice: Find a way to find peace, whatever that may be. I know that sounds cliche and half-assed, but I don't really have a solid answer. I've lost a lot of close friends... more funerals than weddings it seems... and I still don't know how I get through it. Every time I lose someone, it still hurts like the first time. There are no callouses. Being able to vent helps, and if this is where you need to do it, then for the love of all that's good and happy, do it here. We'll listen.

eternalbl

May I suggest walking instead of driving? Something about the rhythm of steps really helps me think things through when I'm in a serious funk, and it's something that I don't get from driving.

lenore beadsman

It sounds to me like a therapist might be a good idea. Not all therapists are good, so you might have to shop around, but strategies for how to cope are things you get from your therapist, not necessarily from your friends. Friends are there to listen when you have bad times, but they aren't trained professionals. Therapists listen to your problems and give you the tools to deal with those bad times. If your therapist isn't doing that, find a new one.

Rent

When I got suicidally depressed, therapy really really helped me out

So, you know

Oh also I had undiagnosed ADD, which caused me to have irrational anxiety, which was a contributor to my depression. Perhaps you have an illness which might be tangentially related to the depression you're having?

Hope you feel better man, I know how much depression sucks balls

The LandoStander

Life is capable of sucking for long stints of time so it may in fact be that you're not clinically depressed or have some issue with your brain chemistry. Even so, as it has already been said, a Psychologist is always willing to listen to you and help sort things out. You pay them to do that of course but if you're employed, have insurance and it offers Mental Health benefits which I think the Mental Health parity act did pass into law by now, then by all means find a mental health professional to talk with.

If you're religious church and members of the clergy are also likely to be willing to listen and advise.

Towards the much less drastic side of things there have been studies that showed people who walked through the woods or nature in general often felt happier. So taking advantage of a local park when you have some spare time or maybe a nearby hiking trail on the weekend that's an easy trail to hike for part of a day.

Make sure you get plenty of time outside, with Winter coming and Seasonal Affective Disorder becoming an issue making sure you are exposed to sunlight for awhile each day helps mitigate SAD to some extent.

Also this is sort of what H/A is about. You might also try to reconnect with friends, which is a pretty easy thing to do. Find some folks to game with on Xbox Live or PSN or whatever your preference is.

Forkes

I feel talking to strangers who are willing to listen is the best form of therapy I have had. Though, it would probably be more akin to being theaputic than actualy therapy.

Exercise. I cannot stress this enough. Even if its only walking. Endorphins are a beatiful thing. I guarentee that you will feel better, at least for like, a half hour, after walking.

Sad music. A lot of people think listening to sad music while you are sad is counterproductive, but I always feel better after listening to sad music. I am not sure what it is, maybe just know someone else can relate (or at least make money off of pretending to relate) to the things I am feeling. Maybe not the actual situation, but the raw feeling.

To me though, this forum is pretty much everything you are asking for. I assume you don't know a lot of the forumers IRL, which makes it a lot easier to open up to them, IMO. And it seems like you just need a kind ear, and maybe some affrimation that you are allowed to be feeling the way you are.

Its ok to feel shitty. Its ok to feel shitty for extended periods of time! It does get better!

I have no idea who you are, so feel free to PM me if you need a non judging person to talk things over with! Hope you feel better!

Hooves

My first thought was therapy. I've had a number of therapists but have only had a close relationship with one of them. I started to feel much the same way when for financial reasons I had to stop seeing him.

Is there some sort of support group or group therapy center in your town? It sounds like a really horrible idea at first but you actually meet some really cool people and it's a great venue if you're just looking to vent. maybe show up and just listen the first few times if you don't feel comfortable sharing just to get a feel for it. who knows you may end up making some lifelong friends.

Talka

Thanks for all the advice--there's no easy answer because I don't have a really clear problem.

I would try to reconnect with old friends, but my old high school gang has fallen apart. Of the original seven of us, one had a heart attack and died mysteriously while playing basketball the summer before college started, two of them died in a car accident two years ago (some drunk driver crossed the median and totaled both cars, killing everyone involved), and the most recent one had a drug overdose a few weeks ago. I actually tried to reconnect with this last girl this past summer. I spent two nights at her apartment and I really enjoyed chatting and catching up with her, but she revealed to me that she's been doing a lot of coke and had been feeling pretty miserable about her life. I tried to cheer her up and promised her I'd talk to my brother about her drug problem (he's a shared friend who has experience with people who've done a lot of coke), but I just never got around to talking to him about it. And then she overdosed a few weeks later. All in all, that leaves two old friends still alive. One of them I used to date, and I haven't talked to her since she dumped me. The other is in China for some reason and is hard to reach. My brother's going through some shit of his own right now, and dismissed me when I told him I felt depressed and guilty for not doing anything about the girl's coke problem.

I desperately want to talk to some of my college friends about this girl's death and how I feel so terrible about it, but it's not an easy topic to bring up, and I don't want to come off as being totally depressed and needy. There are three friends that I got really close to last year and could imagine talking with, but ever since I came back from my abroad trip they've been distant. I've been trying to get one of them to have lunch or dinner with me, but she either cops out every time or she invites more people and then largely ignores me. The other two I'm pissed at right now, and my pride won't let me go to them for help or advice. We went to a party together last weekend, but they basically showed me the door a few minutes into it when a big drinking game was about to start. They said it was because I had taken two shots earlier that night and they thought I'd throw up, but I strongly suspect it was because I didn't know anybody else at the party and they didn't want to escort me around all night. Either way I was not-too-subtly told to leave, and it hurt. I spent the night getting fucked up with some of my more distant friends, but I haven't spoken to the two good friends since the party. It's hard not to feel like that annoying friend nobody likes at times like this.

I sound more depressed in this post than I actually am--I'm just upset about this girl's death, and upset even more that I don't have anybody in my life to go to about it. It all makes me feel lonely, and unwanted, and unliked, and talking to a therapist could help me with those problems (I actually may end up going to one), but I can't stop thinking about how something is wrong in my life when something traumatic and depressing happens to me and I don't know a single person I can talk to about it.

The LandoStander

A note about those addicted to drugs. Not all of them want help and not all of them can be helped. You're not responsible for rescuing anyone from what is unfortunately a largely self inflicted problem.

If you're really upset about things you should look into some sort of professional therapy or if you're religious then the applicable member of the clergy might also be helpful.

If there are hobbies you enjoy try finding a local club for them or if there's a local comic shop or game store that doesn't mind having people hanging out a little in addition to shopping give that a try. I know in my city there's a place that actually has couches and a big screen for such a purpose. If you can't reconnect with old friends then making new ones is certainly a solution.

strategery

I just kind of skimmed over this thread(walls o text and all). There's some good advice in dealing with emotional shit in here, and I'm probably repeating some shit. But going off my own past and current issues this is what I can tell you helped me.

If you don't have anyone close to you that you trust, then find a good counselor. Counseling helped me a ton over the years, and having someone who can take your thoughts and emotions and put them in perspective really helps you understand things clearer.

Close friends are always a plus, but you have to have a load of trust to really open up to them. Some friends you think are close to you turn out to be silently judging you while you're putting yourself out there. This can turn into them talking about shit behind your back, which in turn creates animosity among otherwise good friends. Out of town friends that you just talk to occasionally who know you well are the best to open up like that with.

Self expression is another thing that helps a ton. I, for example, DJ. I always tell people that every mix I create is an extension of who I am and how I feel. It is, in essence, my story at the time. No matter my state of mind my music always reflects how I feel. I played one show literally the day one of my ex's and I broke up, and I had people coming up to me after my set was completed commenting on the track selection. How all the vocal tracks were about being hurt or angry at someone, and having people pick up on things like that is amazing. So really find a hobby or an art form to take up that can allow you to express your thoughts and feelings in a non-destructive way. And if it turns into something you can show or perform, having that emotional connection to your art will help your audience connect with you on a deeper level. So really it helps in more than one way.

Just do everything you can to keep your own emotions from becoming self-destructive. I've been down that road many, many, many times. Drinking, drug abuse, high-risk sex, suicidal depression, etc, etc. Keep yourself as positive as you can and don't fall in that hole so to speak. The deeper you fall into depression or dark thoughts, the harder it is to stop without getting a significant amount of help. I didn't really climb out of that hole until all of my friends(the people I really consider family since my real family all but abandoned me years ago) held an intervention for me. Showing me just how far I had fallen.