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Awkward Breakup Situation - How do I deal? (Awful Update!)
Murphy
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I have been trying all day to write this, and I keep ending up with pages and pages of stuff, which you guys don't want to read, and I don't want to ask you to read.
The basics: I'm gay and 31. I'm reasonably handsome, and a pretty nice guy. A year and a half ago I met a guy online, moved from SW Ohio to NE Ohio to live with him, and changed my entire life to better fit into his. Things didn't turn out the way either of us expected. The relationship was rocky, and possibly abusive. I feel now that in a way I was systematically sublimated by his will. Many arguments were had. About a week ago he broke up with me, and now, at least for the time being, I have to live with the guy until I can strike out on my own. This is going to take a couple of months, due to financial circumstances that I'd be happy to go into detail in if you wish. In the meantime I have no life of my own. I gave up everything about myself when I met him, even though I didn't realize it while it was happening. I feel incredibly awkward being around him, because he's not exactly making it easy. I've asked him if he could do me the courtesy of not moving on while I'm still living there, but his response was pretty noncommital.
I'm going this week to get a gym membership to give me something to do after work. But beyond that I have no friends, and no support network up here. I have few things, because I sold most of them when I moved. I don't even have a car that is entirely my own. I have given up gaming, sold all of my books, stopped watching the shows I used to love, and I have virtually no idea of who I even am anymore. Except possibly kind of a loser. He still wants to hang out with me, and be pals, but I have been finding it very difficult. Last Friday we went out with mutual friends (who were his friends before we met), and got very drunk. He flirted with me, which he later admitted was a mistake, I suggested tried to initiate sex, and he reponded in the most dismissive and cruel way possible. So on top of being broken up about our break up, now I'm humiliated as well.
How do I deal with this? How do I live with him while I get out? How do I find a life for myself when I'm at square one? I tried having a random hookup over the weekend to get my mind off of things, but I couldn't go through with it. I'm just not ready. So mostly I hang out in what was our room and is now just mine, and read, and try and avoid him. But it's impossible to do all of the time, and I hate it. I just want to get away, but that's not possible, so I have to figure out how to man up and just deal with things.
So anyway, I hope some of you have some suggestions. I am more than happy to elaborate on any of the scant details I've provided, and I think some of it really would illuminate things better, but I didn't want to write a fucking book for you kind folks in H&A.
How do I deal?
The basics: I'm gay and 31. I'm reasonably handsome, and a pretty nice guy. A year and a half ago I met a guy online, moved from SW Ohio to NE Ohio to live with him, and changed my entire life to better fit into his. Things didn't turn out the way either of us expected. The relationship was rocky, and possibly abusive. I feel now that in a way I was systematically sublimated by his will. Many arguments were had. About a week ago he broke up with me, and now, at least for the time being, I have to live with the guy until I can strike out on my own. This is going to take a couple of months, due to financial circumstances that I'd be happy to go into detail in if you wish. In the meantime I have no life of my own. I gave up everything about myself when I met him, even though I didn't realize it while it was happening. I feel incredibly awkward being around him, because he's not exactly making it easy. I've asked him if he could do me the courtesy of not moving on while I'm still living there, but his response was pretty noncommital.
I'm going this week to get a gym membership to give me something to do after work. But beyond that I have no friends, and no support network up here. I have few things, because I sold most of them when I moved. I don't even have a car that is entirely my own. I have given up gaming, sold all of my books, stopped watching the shows I used to love, and I have virtually no idea of who I even am anymore. Except possibly kind of a loser. He still wants to hang out with me, and be pals, but I have been finding it very difficult. Last Friday we went out with mutual friends (who were his friends before we met), and got very drunk. He flirted with me, which he later admitted was a mistake, I suggested tried to initiate sex, and he reponded in the most dismissive and cruel way possible. So on top of being broken up about our break up, now I'm humiliated as well.
How do I deal with this? How do I live with him while I get out? How do I find a life for myself when I'm at square one? I tried having a random hookup over the weekend to get my mind off of things, but I couldn't go through with it. I'm just not ready. So mostly I hang out in what was our room and is now just mine, and read, and try and avoid him. But it's impossible to do all of the time, and I hate it. I just want to get away, but that's not possible, so I have to figure out how to man up and just deal with things.
So anyway, I hope some of you have some suggestions. I am more than happy to elaborate on any of the scant details I've provided, and I think some of it really would illuminate things better, but I didn't want to write a fucking book for you kind folks in H&A.
How do I deal?
Murphy on
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There's no one you can crash with besides him; anyone from "down south" you could move in with? Family? If not, I guess just save up and get out of there asap. Can you work more hours, or maybe grab a PT job instead of paying for the gym.
Other than that, just reember that stuff really doesn't define a person. That is, you talk about your games and tv shows and things, and while that's important to you, that's not really who you are.
Also don't try to initiate anything with him. You're only going to get hurt again. I know it's tough, but that ship has sailed, so don't try to catch it again.
Here are some tips:
1. Work out. It gets you out of the house and will make you feel good.
2. Find a *FRIEND* to go drinking with/play golf/stare at guys with/whatever. Just something to distract you.
3. Try NOT to hook up with the ex. It makes it a lot easier.
Try and remember that you will come out the other side of this a BETTER person. It won't be some life ruining crippling thing unless you let it. You made a mistake, big whoop. Ignorance is something best battled by making mistakes.
Its good times.
Try and stay calm
Absolutely. That is plan #1. I only started this new job, and it's really good, and I don't want to leave it. So I have to stick it out, or I would have been gone already. He gave me until the end of the year to find my own place. I am paid well, but it's just not something I can do instantly. The gym is a trifle out of my paycheck every month, and it will give me something to do outside of the house that is all mine.
And I know this. It's just that I have realized that I don't even know who I am anymore. I spent the past week doing nothing at all, because all of the things that I used to do before I met him, I don't do anymore. I've mostly been moping, which isn't productive, and doesn't pass the time very well.
Yeah, that was a huge fucking mistake. It'll never happen again. I've never felt so unattractive and creepy as he made me feel just then. I won't forget it anytime soon.
edit: DanMach - That's the plan. I just don't even know where to start with finding a friend. I don't really know anyone at work, but I'm trying to cultivate some friendships there. I mostly work with women who are married, and most are older than me, so that's not really a useful avenue. All of the friends I have right now are his friends first and foremost, and they don't want to be involved, nor do I want to involve them in this. I just have to find someone to spend time with that isn't a new relationship prospect and isn't related to him in any way.
You're gay. Try manhunt.
My roommate is gay and I thought I was good at teh interwebz, but apparently manhunt is some sort of gay secret facebook thing.
Not that it doesn't have it's uses. I tried to give that side of things a shot this weekend, to poor results. I just didn't have it in me.
o_O
I was lied to!
Pick up some books, games, seasons of TV shows you need to catch up on?
I was thinking this exactly.
Depending on what you were into in terms of gaming, that might be a bit prohibitively expensive to pick back up while saving for a place of your own, but snagging some books off Amazon is a good way to save cash (or just hitting a used book store, but I like that new book feel) and/or some seasons of older shows on DVD can be a good way to kill some time in the evenings.
Kudos on the gym membership; be sure to put it to use. Heavy use. It'll keep you occupied, make you look and feel better about yourself, and let you find an outlet for any emotions (positive or negative alike).
And in the name of all that is good and right, don't be that guy and just jump into another relationship or throw yourself on the market. If you did get taken for a figurative ride by some asshole, spend a little time finding your balance again. Be happy as you are, enjoy the freedom of being single and do some introspection to figure out what you learned from this adventure.
And yeah, I don't want to be that guy. I won't be looking for romance again anytime soon. Which sucks, because when I met him, and for a very long time after, I really thought he was the guy I was going to be with long-term. It's what I wanted.
Personally, I would be borrowing money to get myself a place of my own, or looking for places to share asap. Being around that energy is totally crushing. Do you have a time line?
And, you might feel like you don't really know who you are any more, but that sense of self will come back, especially once you're out of there. Things must be really raw at the moment, but you'll be fine. You might have an awful moment where you're sitting in a room/apartment with nothing but a bed and a suitcase, but just remember that it's a starting point for something better!
I just mumbled something about how, yeah, it was going to be tough.
If I had someone I could borrow money from, I would. But my parents are of no help, and I try not to tell them about my personal problems anyway. They don't want to hear it, becuase of the whole gay thing.
My timeline should get me out be December. Which, you know, Merry Christmas to me. But how worse would it be to spend Christmas with him but not with him? I don't even want to think about it.
Seems like something someone like that would do.
That's one of the more frustrating things about my situation, actually. We already are part of a bowling league, a softball league in the summer, and we play in a few gay card tournaments locally. So at any of those outlets, he's already there.
If I lived in one of the larger cities (Cleveland or Columbus perhaps), I would have a lot more outlets. But I live in Canton. We have one gay bar here, and it's pretty awful. There just aren't that many gay people in the immediate area. Akron is a little better, but it's still not great.
School is certainly an option, but right now those classes will require money that I really can't spend until I find my own place. But it's definitely something I'm going to look into for the future.
I was kicked out of home around Christmas and enjoyed a delicious festive lunch of hot dogs with mustard in a half-empty house. If I can do it, you can do it too!
Craigslist it or bulletin boards at your gym or other gathering places could have fliers.
PS4:MrZoompants
Yesterday on my way home from work, I got a call from the agency that found me my awesome job (and it was awesome - good pay, free health benefits, 401k that automatically got 15% of my pay contributed by the company with no contribution from me, etc.), and apparently, the company has decided not to keep me on. Their reasons were very vague, and I'm still kind of reeling from the fact that it happened, and the way that it happened.
Everything I knew told me that they loved me there. Every time I checked in with my boss, she told me that everything was great, and not to worry, because if there was any problem she'd let me know. People from other departments talked about how well everything seemed to be going for me. They didn't even tell me face to face. They called on the phone as I was driving home. I wasn't even given a chance to clear out my desk.
So now what the fuck do I do? This was the one saving grace I had, and now I don't have it. Last night the ex and I went to the Cavalier's season opening (they lost, which sucked), and he, after hearing that I'd lost my job, told me I didn't have to pay for the ticket. I thought he was doing it because he felt bad. But then when I bought a beer for myself (to feel like a normal person, and yeah, expensive, and yeah, I know I should be focused on saving everything), he lectured me for the rest of the night, told me he wanted money for the ticket now, and that I was a big disappointment. So I gave him that money this morning. I'm scrambling now, trying to find something else, but it took me a year to find this last job.
God, this is just so awful.
Sorry to here it bro.
That was fucking stupid. Did you get your roommate a beer too? If not that was inconsiderate, spendthrift, and stupid. I would have laid into you too.
After the crap his ex has put him through, no, I wouldn't have bought him a beer either.
That said, doing things like getting gym memberships and beer at a game is probably not the best plan when your financial situation is bad. Stick to the essentials, you may have to put up with being uncomfortable for a while.
Face Twit Rav Gram
Obviously the gym membership isn't happening now. Nor is much of anything else.
Also, you should not be spending money (yours or anyone else's) on entertainment at this point, unless there is an understanding between you and the other person.
You should really consider not hanging out with your ex socially, especially when it's just the two of you.
I didn't want to go to the game. He insisted. When I balked at it, he offered to pay for the ticket, just so I would go. It wasn't that I couldn't pay for it, but rather that I didn't want to go with him because I thought it would be awkward. Which it ended up being. I regret buying the beer, but I can't take it back. it was my last splurge.
Um, what? I disagree and understand exactly why the OP would want to buy a beer in that situation.
OP, your ex does not sound like a good person for you to be around. I know it's a difficult situation right now, but you may want to consider any pragmatic way you can just get out of there. Look for a sublet, buy a cheap bus ticket, head someplace familiar that doesn't involve him and start re-establishing your individual identity and self-esteem.
Being laid off suck, especially in that manner, but I've seen plenty of people bounce back from it. Sometimes it's even for the best, it makes it easier to start anew.
Our first game is now available for free on Google Play: Frontier: Isle of the Seven Gods
Seriously, forget about the beer, if he has a fit over you buying something that costs $6 he's full of shit.
Our first game is now available for free on Google Play: Frontier: Isle of the Seven Gods
I'm torn. I mean, moving back to Cincinnati is, in the first place, a huge expense. I have to either sell the rest of my things and get a ride down there somehow (bus ticket, friend, etc.), or rent a truck and move everything down there and put it in storage somewhere. If I can find a job in short order up here. Any job, really, I can stay here until I can find a place, and move out on my own.
But man is being here difficult. He constantly noses into everything I do, but is incredibly secretive about what he's doing with himself. He came home from work for a half day today, ostensibly to work on a paper for his grad school class, but he hasn't done anything remotely like that. I think he was coming home to hook up with someone, and I threw a wrench in things by getting fired. So he's been kind of surly all day.
He told me a bit ago that he knows things are probably tough for me, but I should really stop being so self-centered try and think about how hard this will all be for him. Because now I have to move away most likely, and that's going to be really hard on him.
I didn't really have a response to that.
Every moment you don't leave and still live with this guy, all of these problems still exist. Your financial situation isn't quite as bad as it would be, but in exchange you have to deal with the mountainload of stress and tension that comes with being under the same roof as this asshole. If you can find a job in short order where you are, you can find one in Cincinnati.
You need to get out of there ASAP.
Battle.net: Fireflash#1425
Steam Friend code: 45386507
I don't have much stuff, really. Just my bed, and bedside tables, my laptop (which I should hold onto for job hunting), and my clothes. I sold most of my stuff (furniture, books, music, movies, games, 360, PS3, etc.) when I moved up here. I have some old comics that I've been trying to unload for years, so selling them seems unlikely. Still, I'm going to see what I can do.
He's also a bastard for emotionally manipulating you; seriously, he dumps you, then you lose your job, and then he tells you to stop being self-centered and think of him more?
Good riddance; I'm sorry that the break-up is hard for you, but I bet he didn't treat you much better even when things were good and in the long run it's for the best.
Best of luck finding a place to stay and getting back on your feet, man.
Where is your last paycheck going to?
That is going straight to a one way bus ticket. Call up a friend in Cinci explain your situation tell him that you need to crash for a bit. Sell everything you can in the next week and leave it. Stick as many clothes as you can into second hand rucksacks or duffel bags you pick up from craigslist. And get on your Bus.
Do you have any family you can contact?
Also as a point if shit really turns sour is your name actually on the lease as it doesn't matter that you aren't paying rent there as long as you are on the lease you can stay.
Satans..... hints.....
And yeah, I have been biting my tongue a lot. This isn't hard on him at all. The only tough thing is that I'm here, and he doesn't want me to be, and he can't hook up to his heart's content while I'm still around.
edit: I contacted my parents. They were basically like "Oh, that's sad news. So anyway, your father has a cold right now. It's so terrible. And your sister, man, is she a handful. So anyway, the other day I was at the store and..."
That's about what I expected.
Petty? Sure. But I think it's small change compared to the shit he's pulled.
But then you went to a basketball game with him. Talk to him often. Want him to drive you somewhere.