Life issues

halt

I'm posting under an alt because some people I know read the forums.

Before I get into things I'm going to say that I know I should probably see a therapist or something but I don't have the means right now. I just need... some place to vent and get other perspectives on things that have been bothering me for a while. It's gotten bad lately. I've been under a lot of stress, and it's brought up more issues, and I just want to give up.

I'm going to try to put some kind of organization to these long, whiny, and probably overdramatic ramblings. I don't blame you if you don't read it all.

Friends

I don't think I've ever had any kind of meaningful conversation with anyone I know in my group of friends in the almost 10 years I've known them. It's all superficial stuff about music and movies and games. I guess that's part of the reason why I'm coming here instead of going to them. I've known them for almost ten years and I'm still more comfortable spilling my guts to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

I met them in middle school. At that point I pretty much lost my entire elementary school circle of friends. I don't mean lost as in there was a fight and we split, but they all just drifted apart as they met up with new people and then I kind of floated along until I met this new group. I never really feel like I've fit in with them. I mean, I've been in the group, but most of them knew each other long before they met me. They've got an almost brother/sister thing going on with how close they all are, and I'm just kind of... there. And even some people we've met in college have just come in and fit in better than I have. And I guess I can attribute that to this stupid kind of, I don't know, persona or act. Not really 'tough' but I guess... distant? And it's stupid. It's stupid middle school stuff but I don't even know how to get rid of it. I just want to wipe the slate clean and start over but I don't know how. I don't know how I'm supposed to approach someone with something deep or serious or personal. I try to go over it in my head and it's just awkward and unnerving and it terrifies me to even think of trying.

And then the more I think of it, the more I wonder if my friends would even care. If I'm just a friend of convenience, who happens to be in the same place and has the same interests in entertainment, but once we go our separate ways then that will be that. When I really think of it, I can't see us in our forties sending e-mails back and forth from whatever corner of the world, asking for updates on everyone. And then there's a point that I wonder if I should even care. If I should just ride out this last year till we all move away, and start over completely clean in whatever city I end up in, without all the stupid baggage of a reputation or whatever the fuck this is.

Relationships

I've never had one. No dating. No kisses. I feel awkward even hugging anyone. I can't even think if I've ever had so much as a crush on a person. The thought of having to spend so much time with the same person seems... I don't know. I don't really understand it. I don't think I could tolerate one person for that long, and I doubt they could tolerate me. I mean, I get that it's nice for people. I get the warm fuzzies when things work out for fictional characters in TV or film. But I just can't put myself in that kind of a situation when I think about it. And it's the same sort of thing with sex. The thought of it, I mean me doing it, just disgusts me. But I get that it's good for other people. I get that it feels good and it's fun or whatever, but I just... can't. I can't think of it as a pleasurable act for myself, I just think of it like being violated or controlled. I can't do that.

I don't even know why. I've never been abused. I've never had any traumatic experiences relating to sex. But this has been my thought process for years now, ever since there was a thought process to be had about it.

School/Career

I'm horribly dissatisfied with college. I feel like I've wasted my money. I'm on my last year. I've got a fuckton of work to do and not enough time to do it. I'm supposed to find an internship and for what I want to do it means I'll have to move out of the city. I've never lived away from home before. I don't think I have the right skillset for the industry I want to get in to. I want to finish this semester, wait a year and work on my skills and save up money, and then finish off the internship next year when I'll actually be competent and maybe end up with a job out of it.

My mom wants me to settle for any internship in town just so I can get the stupid piece of paper, then go to school again elsewhere for the education I really want. I wouldn't be opposed to more school if it actually taught me something. I don't give a shit about the stupid piece of paper.

The industry I want to get in to is incredibly high stress. With how stressed I am now about this final semester, I don't know if I would be able to handle it as a career. I'm having serious doubts.

I don't know what else I would do with myself. I couldn't handle working some menial job that I don't enjoy just to pay the bills.

I'm passionate about what I want to do, sure. I just don't think I'm passionate enough.

Family

I've never been especially close with my brothers. They have an icy relationship and I get along well enough with them, but they're just sort of a sidenote. Same goes with my dad, but he's critical of everything and sometimes I just want to tell him to shut the fuck up. If I'm on the computer he goes on about blood clots or bad eyesight or no vitamin D. If I'm eating cereal for breakfast he'll make some backhanded remark about how it's not healthy enough. Fuck, even when I'm eating healthy food he'll make some stupid remark and I just want to punch him in the mouth. He acts like a doctor or a nutritionist but he's just some annoying fucking health nut. It seems like he only has something to say if he's got something to criticise.

I think my mom senses that something's wrong and she wants to talk about it but I just can't. I don't know. I haven't really talked to her in so long that it feels like she doesn't know me. She just knows this persona that I present.

She's a bit nosy, maybe a bit overbearing. I don't know if that's just the stress talking. I feel bad for her sometimes. One of my brothers just doesn't appreciate her in the slightest. He just takes and takes and sometimes it seems like he thinks she owes him something. But the fact of the matter is he would have shit all if it wasn't for her. And I think I'm kind of getting that same attitude as him, at least on the surface, and I don't want that at all. I want to express my appreciation and the fact that I realize I'd be screwed without my parents but it sounds so forced coming out of my mouth that I don't even know if I believe it.

The plus side, I guess, is that I don't really fight with my parents. I get annoyed with them a lot, especially lately, but I just internalize it. Or try to. Sometimes it slips but I try really hard not to make a big deal of things.

Me, in general

I think about this shit a lot when I'm alone and it gets me down pretty hard. But the more that happens, the more I start to think 'I have a roof over my head, food on my table, healthcare, running water, a decent family, all that stuff. There are so many more people who have it so much worse than me that I shouldn't be complaining at all'. And that just makes me more angry, the fact that this stuff gets to me like it does. So I tell myself 'hey, just fucking ignore it and push on'. And I go to school and do some work and watch my friends chill without me and watch the deadlines inch closer and think about how fucked I am for moving away and think about how crushingly lonely I feel and how I don't know what to do about it and then I feel like shit. And then I think 'these are silly first world problems, what the fuck are you on about?' and I feel like more shit. And it keeps going...

I lie a lot. Little white lies, to avoid having to explain things, to make things go smoother. My day is always 'fine' if my mom asks. I've always done my homework. No, haven't got marks back yet. School is fine. Group projects are fine. Feeling okay.

I get angry a lot. Super angry. I don't voice it much. Sometimes I'll go on a little swearing tirade but I don't raise my voice or anything like that, I just complain about school in colourful language. I just want to yell at the top of my lungs. To hit something. To break something. To set something on fire. I just want to cause some fucking destruction, somewhere, to something, and I can't.

I always wonder if my friends are talking about me behind my back, and what kinds of things they're saying (obviously bad things. There's no other way). I wonder if they're friends with me out of pity. I wonder if, any time someone is nice to me, they're doing it to build my trust only to do something later to hurt me. I then wonder if this is paranoia. I've never been sure if any of my thought processes have ever been 'normal'. I don't know what normal is. I suspect this isn't it.

I hate that I'm complaining about all this stuff and expecting anyone to give a shit, because I don't know if I could care if someone brought it to me. I'm selfish and I hate it but being selfish is easy and I'm also lazy, which is probably another reason why I'll fail at the only career I've ever really wanted to do.

I'm not comfortable in my own skin and I never have been, not since I was little. To be perfectly honest I don't think I've been legitimately at ease since I was about 8.

I guess if we're getting things out there... I've thought, for a very long time now, that I should've been born male. For a time, a few years ago, I would pray every night that God might transform me, alter time, and I'd wake up as the idealized male version of me, and everyone would know that as the only way I'd ever been. I'd try to bargain, say that I'd be okay with being short, God, and a bit of a social outcast. I'd be okay with some allergies, flaws like that, if you'd just make it happen. I knew it never would, but I still prayed.

The other day I was sick. Not deathly ill, but a bit sicker than I usually get. And I started thinking about what would happen if I died. I wasn't too scared of the idea. Not that I actively wanted to die, but if it happened, I wouldn't really be bothered by it. That's actually one of the things that made me think I should post this.

I guess that's most of it.

I just hate that I feel this way.

Dread Pirate Arbuthnot

If you do not want a relationship, you shouldn't feel worried about the fact that you don't have a relationship.

Let's face it: if you were in a relationship right now, there's a good chance that with the situation you find yourself in, you wouldn't be able to hold up your end of the relationship. So don't beat yourself up.

Maybe you're just too stressed to consider that sort of thing, maybe you're depressed and it's killing certain drives, maybe you're asexual.

But being single is okay. You are not a failure for not being in a relationship if that's not what you desire.


You should consider going and seeing a doctor. This sounds a lot like depression. I was depressed for a long time and felt the same. I take Wellbutrin now, and it's a really healthy first step.

Start building support systems. The best place to start, I think, would be with your mom. Take her out for a coffee and talk to her. Be honest.

TheDragon

You sound depressed. I think you should talk to a therapist.

You say you don't have the means to see a therapist, but later you say you have healthcare. There must be some way you can see a therapist. Look into it.

The only other basic advice I can give is, be who you wanna be, act like you feel. You are your own person, your entitled to your life and however you want to live it. If you want to talk to your mom, go for it I'm sure she'll listen. If you want to have deeper conversations with your friends, give it a shot. Don't start off with a 2 hour session, but talk a little deeper on your feelings about an issue you're thinking about. You'd be surprised how people respond and you grow a bit closer. Keep this up and within weeks you're much closer friends than you could imagine.

There's a lot more for you to act on. The best bet for you is to talk to a therapist, and be able to release these thoughts and feelings, and get helpful feedback on it. It'd be a lot better for you than the feedback you'll get on these forums. Look into it, or at the very least talk to your mom about it, I'm sure she'll help you with it.

Slider

Everybody gets depressed and everybody has negative feelings. I've been unemployed for over 6 months and can't really see any way out of this slump. Death would certainly be the easiest route, but I'm too sh*t-scared of dying to be suicidal.

I'm short. I'm bald. I'm single. Dude, nobody feels comfortable in their skin. We all go through these phases.

It sounds like you need a hobby and/or a support group. I'd also recommend going to the gym and exercising.

Honestly, I have nothing positive in my life right now. Like I said, I'm unemployed, I have no money, I'm selling my truck (that I love), I live with my mom...but I go to the gym and lift like a f**king beast.

If you're angry, punish your body by lifting weights. I think it's more therapeutic than spending 30min with a psychiatrist.

eternalbl

TheDragon wrote: »

The only other basic advice I can give is, be who you wanna be, act like you feel. You are your own person, your entitled to your life and however you want to live it. If you want to talk to your mom, go for it I'm sure she'll listen. If you want to have deeper conversations with your friends, give it a shot. Don't start off with a 2 hour session, but talk a little deeper on your feelings about an issue you're thinking about. You'd be surprised how people respond and you grow a bit closer. Keep this up and within weeks you're much closer friends than you could imagine.

Whether you're talking about friendships, acquaintances or lovers, any relationship is a 2 way street. When you say that your friends have a tough guy persona and seem distant, it's possibly because they're guarding themselves from the same vibe off you.

I've felt pretty similar in the past, and 2 things actually really changed that around - I started evaluating the things I was doing, the music I listened to and what I watched. Listening to more positive music and realizing what is a positive message that I can actually use in my life rather than something meant more as entertainment but not something to be emulated helped immensely. And on top of that, my friend said to me one day 'Don't think of what you should've done, think of what you could do next time'. It helped make me more comfortable in trying those things that I was scared of failing at. There'll always be a next time, so as long as you keep learning and trying you'll eventually just be great at whatever you want to do.

However, don't colleges usually have a therapist for students who's available and free?

Rhino

Do you exercise and eat right? I know it's cliche to say, but it goes a long way towards energy (mental and physical) and lifting ones mood.

MagicToaster

Maybe I'm wrong, but the vibe I get is that you've coasted through life by your own choice and now you've found yourself in an unsatisfying life. I wasn't gonna post this, untill I read the part about being lazy.

Being happy and satisfied with your life requires work! Building a relationship with strong bonds, be it with friends, brothers or parents is not something that happens by default, it's something you have to invest energy in!

You can be happy! You can have meaningful friendships! You can have strong bonds with your family! But you have to work hard on it! Talk to people! Drop your guard.

As I said, maybe I'm wrong. But this is the vibe I get from your post.

Cognisseur

If you're in college, you most likely have a student health center. Student health centers provide free therapy. Go get some free therapy.

Jasconius

Confidence breeds positive things.

If you want to ensure that your life continues down the path it is going, then the best thing you can do is just be sad and mopey about it.

Read that carefully.

In most cases in modern society, you get out of life what you put into it. And it to me it sounds like you're taking a bit of a defeatist laissez faire attitude towards life.

You say that you don't have time to do your school work but that's utter bullshit because you claim you have no relationships, few friends, and you it doesn't sound like you have a job, which means your parents are paying your tuition. If you can't make it, then it's lack of will, not lack of ability.

Change your diet, get some energy, get a job, any job, with some peers and start learning how to function in social settings, otherwise your career is going to be rocky on the outset because social skills matter, especially in interviews.

Really man, you are being tossed a softball and you're complaining about the color of the stitches. Man up before it passes you by.