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In a bit of a relationship pickle.
Steves Offline
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Registered User regular
I usually know what to do in relationships, but this one has me in a bind.
Basically, I like this girl, this girl likes me. We enjoy each others company very much. The problem is that I want a girlfriend and she doesn't. It's not that she wants to go play the field or anything, she just doesn't want to commit. Some important background on her is that she just got out of a 4 year relationship in August, and I've known her since April, and after a month of hanging out we both confessed our feelings for each other. It's not really a friends with benefits situation either, as we've only really kissed a handful of times, and it was more of our emotions getting the better of us, that meaning the relationship was moving forward.
She says she's still attracted to me, and still wants to hang out, despite not wanting to commit. I wouldn't mind this, but its painful to know that in the back of my head we're not going to date. I feel like I'm going to want to push the relationship to the next level, she is going to reject me, and I'm going to end up hurt. At the same time, I really enjoy her company, and it equally sucks to not spend time with her.
I'm not sure what to do. Halp?
Basically, I like this girl, this girl likes me. We enjoy each others company very much. The problem is that I want a girlfriend and she doesn't. It's not that she wants to go play the field or anything, she just doesn't want to commit. Some important background on her is that she just got out of a 4 year relationship in August, and I've known her since April, and after a month of hanging out we both confessed our feelings for each other. It's not really a friends with benefits situation either, as we've only really kissed a handful of times, and it was more of our emotions getting the better of us, that meaning the relationship was moving forward.
She says she's still attracted to me, and still wants to hang out, despite not wanting to commit. I wouldn't mind this, but its painful to know that in the back of my head we're not going to date. I feel like I'm going to want to push the relationship to the next level, she is going to reject me, and I'm going to end up hurt. At the same time, I really enjoy her company, and it equally sucks to not spend time with her.
I'm not sure what to do. Halp?
Steves Offline on
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Quit kissing. Keep hanging out. If these things turn out to be mutually exclusive, find someone else to hang out with. It sucks, but no unsucky solution is going to present itself here.
I will tell you the same thing I told my friend: If you haven't already, be upfront with her. Tell her exactly how you feel and what you want. If she is unwilling to commit, then tell her you guys need to just be friends, and the kissing needs to stop.
If she gives you "the runaround" and doesn't give a definite answer, or says she "just needs some time", then tell her that you will give her all the time and space she needs, but that you won't (a) kiss her anymore, or (b) necessarily wait around forever. And you will be just friends until she gives you a definite answer.
If she agrees and commits, congrats!
I'm guessing you don't want to get used, but that's what's going to happen unless you stand up for yourself. Right now she's treating you as a convenient quasi-boyfriend: all the benefits, none of the commitment, and she's free to find another guy - you're just a placeholder until she does find someone else. Was her previous relationship emotionally abusive? She might be using you as an ego-booster, which is obviously not cool.
Best of luck!
I pretty much told her that I really couldn't see her unless there was a chance that we'd become a couple. I'm not sure If I can even become friends with her due to the emotional attachment I have to her.
Her response to this is that she doesn't know whats going to happen in the future. She isn't promising anything, but she isn't telling me that we'll never date. This is her reasoning as to why I should still see her.
Essentially I did tell her that I'd be willing to wait for her, but in the meantime I just couldn't see her since I feel like it would be too painful/awkward.
I could minutely analyze whether one or both of you are being unreasonable, but it's kinda moot: hanging out with her as things are is just a dumb idea. Don't do it till you've come to a clear, unforced agreement about your relationship (i.e. no "Yeah, yeah, we'll be friends which will make you love me mwa ha ha" bullshit).
She wants to stay single at the moment, and I'd rather not get hurt. So I think at this point I'm just going to keep my distance. I just told her she needs to do whatever makes her happy.
If you know that you can't just be friends with her without having your romantic feelings worm their way into the way you think, act and treat her, then what you did probably was the best choice. Otherwise you risk doing what the second half of this comic describes: http://xkcd.com/513/ and that's just not a nice thing to do to someone.
I don't think you should attempt to be nonromantic "friends" if you both have romantic feelings for each other. That is always a mess.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
No I would say it's because I want commitment. If you're hinting toward taking the "friends with benefits" route, than I'm not really jazzed about that idea. I think I would just end up worrying about who she is with ad nauseum.
Unless you're referring to something else, in which case you are seeing something that I'm not. I'd like to know what that is.
Actually, these specifically are the types of insecurities I was referring too. Why can you not just be with her, whatever that may mean from an emotional aspect, without her committing? Having a mature adult relationship with someone doesn't necessarily mean that they're all yours. That happens when it happens.
...and no, I wasn't talking about friends with benefits.
The thing is, she want's to view our relationship as strictly friends, and that's it. I can't treat her as a friend without romantic ideas coming up to bite me in the end.
To answer your question of why I can't be with her if she can't commit; I suppose it has something to do with me wanting whatever we have between us to be special. If I see her at a party, and she is macking with another guy, I'd feel like relationship is kinda diminished in a way.
Or perhaps my brain is just hardwired to think that being attracted to someone means that I should date them?
That's a problem with you, not her.
You're putting this stuff on her. She's said she's not ready for exclusivity so either find someone else or accept it and give her room.
Keep the door open, make it obvious what you think of her and how you feel but don't offer ultimatums or act like she must be in a romantic relationship with you to have any relationship at all.
Wear her down :winky:
She'll either say he's not interested or you guys will date either way you did what you should've
I mean she's said she's attracted to you - just give her time to work out her issues
Noooooooooooo
If you want a relationship with her ever, you'll have to stay in her life by way of friendship at this point. This is problematic though because she could very easily just find someone else while you're waiting in the wings of friendship, then you're out all this time and emotional baggage.
If you can't deal with the cognitive dissonance between your agreed upon friendship and your obviously stated feelings for her then you're going to have to cut bait and move on. This however means she's really likely to find someone other than you in the long run.
You've already given her a semi-ultimatum and to go much further is not a good idea. If she's got some commitment issues forcing her hand is only going to make her view you as someone who's going to put her in a situation similar to the one she just got out of, that being a committed relationship.
I'm not sure how often you would run into her without arranging meetings but I would suggest that maybe you take a bit of a vacation from each other. Tell her you understand that she needs to have some time without commitment and that when she feels ready to try things again to give you a call. If you have mutual friends limit yourselves to group outings if any contact at all besides maybe the MySpace or Facebook comments. Meanwhile, play the field a little yourself. It might spur her to ask for commitment from you or you just might find someone even more enjoyable to be with and who's actually ready to start a relationship.
oooooooooooooooooo...
That's just disingenuous. If you're gonna be her friend, just be her friend. If you can't, just go.
Sometimes you find the right person at the wrong time. Kinda looks like that's what has happened here.
Yeah, that's what I think I'm going to go with. I think it would better if I wasn't always there, "breathing down her neck", so to speak. Perhaps if I give her time, then she'll be able to sort out her emotions, whether it be her needing time off from a commitment, or just realize what it's like to not have someone around.
Maybe in the future she'll finally be able to make a commitment, or maybe I'll be able to get over my romantic feelings for her. But in the meantime, I think time and space would be a good thing for us.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Sounds pretty simple.
Sorry, man.
Thanks everyone for your help.