As was foretold, we've added advertisements to the forums! If you have questions, or if you encounter any bugs, please visit this thread: https://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/240191/forum-advertisement-faq-and-reports-thread/

Should I take her back?

Nike Running ShoesNike Running Shoes Registered User new member
edited November 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
I need some advice.


I've dated this girl for 1 year and we were engaged for 5 months. She broke it off due to not ready to get married. So we broke off and we haven't talk to each other for 2 months. Two months later, I talked to her to see how she is doing. We started chatting again and are friends. Now a week later, we chatted again and she said that she wants to start a relationship with me again, but not an engagement. Before I made a decision, she told me that the two months we weren't together (we were broken up) she had slept with a guy. She told me she was drunk and she regretted it.

Now I know technically we were broken up for two months, so she could have dated anyone she wanted. But we were engaged to be married. She broke it off, then all of a sudden she was dating this guy for a month and slept with him. I know I shouldn't feel bad because we weren't together then but I feel betrayed. Am I wrong to feel this way?


So I need advice. Should I take her back? I really care about her so much and the time were together she has been open and honest with me. To tell me this up front does still show she is honest with me.

So what should I do? Take her back or not?

Nike Running Shoes on

Posts

  • MagicToasterMagicToaster JapanRegistered User regular
    edited November 2009
    What are your goals and do they fit with hers? You seem to want to get married, but does she?

    MagicToaster on
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    It sounds like you freaked her out when you proposed and instead of telling you this she accepted. This isn't that unusual, a gal can feel put on the spot when proposed to and saying no will usually kill the relationship. So she feels like she says yes and hopes for a loooooong engagement or says no and hopes the relationship doesn't implode on the spot.

    It happens, so she broke it off because she couldn't be engaged to someone if she wasn't ready to get married. Frankly, she's being straight up with you, she likes you and wants to be with you but isn't ready to be married and after only a year and a half of being together that seems pretty reasonable to me. It's up to you whether you are ok with that.

    And you were broken up, don't pull this Ross/Rachel crap, she didn't cheat on you and she was under no obligation to be chaste for 'x' amount of time after you broke up. She had a rebound fling, no big deal.

    VisionOfClarity on
  • Nike Running ShoesNike Running Shoes Registered User new member
    edited November 2009
    MagicToaster: I do want to eventually marry her. She just doesn't want to get married right now.

    VisionOfClarity: I guess I overracted. You're right we were broken up so she didn't cheat on me.

    Nike Running Shoes on
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    If you really love her, I say give it a go understanding that you'll want to leave the marriage talk for awhile. Let her approach the subject. I'd say don't even joke about it for a bit, it seems extreme but you'll want her to know that you love her and you respect that she isn't ready to the Big commitment yet. You'll also have to be ok going into it knowing that she might not be ready for marriage for years if at all and you need to decide if that's an outcome you'd be ok with.

    VisionOfClarity on
  • GirlPantsGirlPants Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    As far as her sleeping with another guy goes, that's honestly none of your business and she didn't even need to tell you. When your broken up you have no claim at all to monogamy.

    If you guys didn't have any problems other than the marriage thing I'd say give the marriage thing a rest for now and give it another shot.

    GirlPants on
  • SheepSheep Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2009
    If you get back together with her, then take it slow. Start dating again, think about it, and if you're hung up on how things went and can't convince yourself that it'll be like "old times" then it's probably not worth the effort and will just cause issues with the both of you.

    Sheep on
  • PitselehPitseleh Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Simply, you are right to feel hurt - it sucks to have someone you love sleep with someone else, but you may be transferring your feelings of being hurt that she left you into this.

    Deal with the fact that she left you, deal with the fact that you feel betrayed because she left.

    the point is, do you still want to marry her? Would you be happier with her?

    because if you do, and you think you would - let bygones be bygones and consider this a great chance to start fresh. If she was the type of girl you want to marry, and still is, your answer is pretty easy and you're just looking at the immediate pain and not at the longterm goals.

    Pitseleh on
  • susansusan Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Out of curiosity, how old are you both? One of the soundest pieces of dating advice I have ever received is "Don't get married until you're 25," or for the really pessimistic, "30."

    As for whether you should take her back or not, bearing in mind this is an internet forum and we've never met either of you and I'm probably an 11-year-old virgin in South Korea here to talk Starcraft, it sounds like you've got a good thing here. She was rushed, she didn't want to let you know she was nervous, it built up inside her because she felt like she couldn't talk to you about it, and she freaked. Perfectly natural, normal response for a girl. If you're gonna take her back, and that doesn't sound like a bad idea, take things slow, take her out, have fun, give yourselves time to remind yourselves why you fell in love in the first place and let things just flow naturally.

    As for you feeling betrayed and if you should feel this way... that's decidedly more complicated, and very much a 'Yes and No' thing. What you're feeling is also perfectly normal for a man in your situation, as you are still in love with her. In fact I'd be concerned if you didn't feel this way... But it's also wrong, because she didn't cheat on you. Sorry, but that's how it is. Here's what you have to do (BEFORE you take her back): Go to a mirror, and say the following to yourself - "She didn't cheat on me." Keep saying this to yourself all night until you believe it and don't feel angry or sad about it. Repeat this every night until you don't feel angry or sad about it the first time you say it. Repeat as needed (in private) after you've gotten back together. Never bring it up to her, and if she brings it up to you (because she feels guilty too, even though she didn't cheat on you) tell her that she didn't do anything wrong and that you love her. And if this doesn't sound like something you can do... That might be a problem.

    susan on
    2010 PAX DM Challenge Grand Champion
    2011 PAX Warmachine/Hordes Champion
  • SimpsoniaSimpsonia Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    First off, were you two living together during the engagement? Living together changes things, and you should probably live together for more than a year before even thinking about engagement. But to be honest, of all the girls who are talked about on these H/A threads, this sounds like the sanest one yet. She knows exactly what it is she needs/wants.

    The problem is whether you think you can forgive and forget. Most people who can forgive but don't forget always have it back there nagging them and praying on insecurities for the rest of the relationship. What you should do is, and you should explain all of this to her, go back to being friends and hanging out but not romantically for a few months, then see how much this situation bothers you still. If it does still nag at you, or plant tiny little doubts of insecurity, it's over, you'll never get over it and you need to move on. But if it doesn't bother you then dive back in.

    Simpsonia on
  • VoroVoro Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    GirlPants wrote: »
    As far as her sleeping with another guy goes, that's honestly none of your business and she didn't even need to tell you.

    If they're going to get back together, then the question of whether or not either of them was sexually active in the interim is pretty important. The next important question is "Has she been tested?" Call me paranoid, but I'm going to assume that methods of protection used during drunken sex are less than ideal.

    Voro on
    XBL GamerTag: Comrade Nexus
  • Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    You were broken up, she could have eaten glass if she wanted to and you have no right to tell her not to.

    The big thing here is that you both want different things, you want to get married, she doesn't.

    This is a big thing.

    Will you be ok with getting married in three years? Will she. And is she saying three years (I've just picked a number) in the hope that she will want to get married then?

    Because what happens in three years time when you get there and she breaks up with you again? You've just wasted three years.

    Breaking up with someone because you are at a different stage in the relationship despite loving each other, hurts, but it is the smart thing to do. Sit down. Have a talk with her and find out what pages you two are on, if you are on the same page great! Continue on and good luck but be honest and if you realise that you are reading different goddam books for heavens sake stop it.

    Blake T on
  • EskimoDaveEskimoDave Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    It sounds like a relationship of convenience on her behalf.

    EskimoDave on
  • The LandoStanderThe LandoStander Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    It seems like one major point of contention is the fact that while she wasn't in a relationship with you she had a "relationship" with another guy. My wife had a friend and co-worker who's fiance broke things off with him claiming she didn't feel ready and proceeded to sleep around for a few months, only to return to her fiance who like a schmuck had kept a little candle burning for her so to speak and had essentially remained committed. So she got to have her cake and eat it, he got to do the dishes. I suppose he's a bigger man than I for taking her back.

    I'm not saying that your ex-fiance is as shallow or selfish as this but it's going to be something that sort of hangs around in the back of your mind should the time come when she decides she's ready to walk down the aisle. From the standpoint of being a complete and total dick, I might hint at the idea of her getting tested, you never know what's out there plus she was drunk so I wouldn't assume anything.

    In the end it's your call. As for me, I'd consider cutting her loose, especially if you're under the age of 25, in which case you've got plenty of time. Little grains of doubt and resentment have a way of really poisoning a relationship the longer you're in it. So to begin a lifetime together with baggage like that is a risk that you'll have to evaluate for yourself.

    The LandoStander on
    Maybe someday, they'll see a hero's just a man. Who knows he's free.
  • eternalbleternalbl Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    In the end it's your call. As for me, I'd consider cutting her loose, especially if you're under the age of 25, in which case you've got plenty of time. Little grains of doubt and resentment have a way of really poisoning a relationship the longer you're in it. So to begin a lifetime together with baggage like that is a risk that you'll have to evaluate for yourself.

    If you're coming to a message board because you're having trouble with the fact that she rebounded, no amount of pure logic will fix that.

    Yeah, it's not your business what she did while you 2 were broken up. But relationships have never been the domain of logic. You need to honestly answer whether you can forgive (for lack of a better word) what she did during your break.

    As if that wasn't enough, marriage can be a huge deal to some people. Would it eventually become a deal breaker for you?

    eternalbl on
    eternalbl.png
  • SliderSlider Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Haha. This sounds exactly like my most recent relationship. I'll save you the pain and agony and just say, "No, don't take her back."

    Slider on
  • trentsteeltrentsteel Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    GirlPants wrote: »
    As far as her sleeping with another guy goes, that's honestly none of your business and she didn't even need to tell you. When your broken up you have no claim at all to monogamy.

    I totally agree with this.

    trentsteel on
    http://www.botsnthings.com/
    I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!

  • SliderSlider Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    trentsteel wrote: »
    GirlPants wrote: »
    As far as her sleeping with another guy goes, that's honestly none of your business and she didn't even need to tell you. When your broken up you have no claim at all to monogamy.

    I totally agree with this.

    This being one of the differences. The same day my ex-girlfriend ended the relationship, she went to a party and f**ked some random dude; except I was under the impression that we were still together.

    Slider on
  • Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    She either ended the relationship or she didn't.

    Actually know, there is option B where she ended the relationship and was in denial. Regardless, you had broken up, it is none of your business.

    Blake T on
  • blahblah Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    trentsteel wrote: »
    GirlPants wrote: »
    As far as her sleeping with another guy goes, that's honestly none of your business and she didn't even need to tell you. When your broken up you have no claim at all to monogamy.

    I totally agree with this.

    I almost agree with you two. But want to point out that it still feels shit, and it's something that's ok to be a bit jealous about. But don't hold it against her, ever, at all. Unless you're a super fucked up guy you'll totally get over it with time if you're ever back together.

    blah on
  • trentsteeltrentsteel Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    blah wrote: »
    trentsteel wrote: »
    GirlPants wrote: »
    As far as her sleeping with another guy goes, that's honestly none of your business and she didn't even need to tell you. When your broken up you have no claim at all to monogamy.

    I totally agree with this.

    I almost agree with you two. But want to point out that it still feels shit, and it's something that's ok to be a bit jealous about. But don't hold it against her, ever, at all. Unless you're a super fucked up guy you'll totally get over it with time if you're ever back together.

    I would like to add that if you do feel more than moderately jealous about the fact that she slept with someone else on her own time then you should stay out of the relationship with her because you won't be mature enough to deal with the relationship and it will always bug you and might even grow into something worse.

    trentsteel on
    http://www.botsnthings.com/
    I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!

  • WashWash Sweet Christmas Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Voro wrote: »
    GirlPants wrote: »
    As far as her sleeping with another guy goes, that's honestly none of your business and she didn't even need to tell you.

    If they're going to get back together, then the question of whether or not either of them was sexually active in the interim is pretty important. The next important question is "Has she been tested?" Call me paranoid, but I'm going to assume that methods of protection used during drunken sex are less than ideal.

    Yeah, if you're going to get back together, it'd be a good idea to ask her to get tested.

    While it is no business of yours who/how many people she's slept with, it's always smart to get tested before starting/restarting a sexual relationship. There are grounds for requesting that information in situations like this.

    Wash on
    gi5h0gjqwti1.jpg
  • ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Voro wrote: »
    GirlPants wrote: »
    As far as her sleeping with another guy goes, that's honestly none of your business and she didn't even need to tell you.

    If they're going to get back together, then the question of whether or not either of them was sexually active in the interim is pretty important. The next important question is "Has she been tested?" Call me paranoid, but I'm going to assume that methods of protection used during drunken sex are less than ideal.

    Yeah, if you're going to get back together, it'd be a good idea to ask her to get tested.

    While it is no business of yours who/how many people she's slept with, it's always smart to get tested before starting/restarting a sexual relationship. There are grounds for requesting that information in situations like this.

    Agreed. Her sexual history is his business in as far as one would assume that she wishes to resume a sexual relationship with him. He doesn't need to know specifics, but one would assume that the usual repetoir built over a year and a half may or may not have hinged upon them both having a clean bill of health, and knowing that she's been with someone else under less than ideal conditions means she can no longer rely on whatever checkups she might've had backing her in the past.

    If you choose to give her another shot, this seems like a minor request to start rebuilding the trust and bonds between you. Sex is an important part of most adult relationships, and her having been in another sexually active relationship during your time apart means it's worth it for both your sakes to hit a clinic and get tested.

    And of course, this applies to both of you, in the event you ended up on a rebound fling or whatever you should be tested as well.

    Hell, even if you didn't it might not be a bad idea to go along and get tested yourself as a show of good faith, though I suppose that's a tricky situation, depending on her personality, as she could easily interpret it as "why does he need to be tested, what is he not telling me?", so that's a tough judgement call only you can make.

    Forar on
    First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
  • NatsusNatsus Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    Don't get back together with her.

    Sure she has a choice and it is very much her right to find someone else and sleep with him as you guys were broken up, but you also have a choice. And if what she did bothers you, then don't get back into this relationship.

    Honestly, I think what she did in the 2 months you guys were broken up is very telling of her character and I don't think you're the type that would be okay with it.

    Natsus on
  • EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited November 2009
    I have a friend who had a very long-term relationship with a girl; they knew each other in high school and eventually went to the same college, and were an item the entire time.

    They both moved multiple times, into new houses with new roommates or by themselves. I brought up moving in together once (to my friend, the dude), and he said he wasn't ready for it. Fair enough, I thought.

    After like 8 years, he buys a house and they move in together. About 2 years go by and they break up. Neither of them seemed to actually WANT to live with each other, so they never made any real attempt to do so and create a really connected relationship. They were "dating" the entire time.

    I'm not saying that they didn't have good times, or that they were unhappy, but their relationship goals seemed to be different, and because they didn't seem to ever bring it up or act, they stayed together in a sort of nebulous relationship. Neither of them cheated, as far as I know, and I don't know what the breakup conversation was like. What I heard from my friend was that he said he realized he had to do something, and he didn't want to marry her, so he figured he'd have to move on and that was that.

    Being together for a year and asking her to marry you after knowing her for 7 months does seem rather short. It's not unheard of, of course, but it's pretty fast. Remember that for most people, a relationship naturally leads towards at least cohabitation -- if she doesn't like the idea of living with you, then it's probably not going to work.

    EggyToast on
    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • JeffHJeffH Registered User regular
    edited November 2009
    I don't know your age/whether or not you were living together, but getting engaged after six months is probably enough to scare a lot of people regardless of how much she is in love with you. Add in young age, and I would say that this is reasonable/expected. If you're older (say, 25+) or if you both have "played the field" already, I wouldn't take her back, but if you guys are younger, try to see her point of view, marriage is a big commitment.

    JeffH on
Sign In or Register to comment.