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My parents f'ed me up and now marriage is hard
IneedtohidemyID
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
First I want to say I have another ID on this forum and I've had one for a while. But my mom has a google news notification Email set up for my user ID (Because I use it everywhere and she likes to see what's going on in my life n' stuff.) and I don't want this thread to show up as PA threads often do, because it would make her feel like shit.
My parents got divorced when I was 13. From the time I was born until the time I was 13 I saw them get in a major argument ONCE and it was about a month before they told me and my younger brother they were getting a divorce. This fucked me up because everything seemed happy to me (And My parents, who are good friends now maintain that things were great) until that one fight. Ever since then, if I get in an argument with anyone, I can't handle it. My first instinct is to shut down emotionally and cut ties. This is not healthy, I know. This is fucked up. But at least I recognize that it's fucked up.
I'm married now, I have been for 3 years. I love my wife, she's the funniest, smartest, most amazing woman I've ever met. But she's very strong willed and can be confrontational. If something upsets her she gets angry and is ready for a fight that involves a lot of yelling at me. When I'm upset about something I want to sit down and talk about it, or I just keep it to myself and work through it. So we're very different in that respect. I've met her family, I understand why she's like this. I think a lot of people are like this and I don't personally think there's anything wrong with it. Also, admittedly she does it a lot less since starting to see a therapist.
But whenever she gets like that my first instinct is "DIVORCE!" I realize even at the time that it's just a kneejerk reaction and I don't really feel like that, I never actually bring it up to her, but the thoughts are real. And they come often after those arguments.
How do I get myself out of this habit of wanting to cut ties whenever confronted with anything? What can I do to handle this better?
My parents got divorced when I was 13. From the time I was born until the time I was 13 I saw them get in a major argument ONCE and it was about a month before they told me and my younger brother they were getting a divorce. This fucked me up because everything seemed happy to me (And My parents, who are good friends now maintain that things were great) until that one fight. Ever since then, if I get in an argument with anyone, I can't handle it. My first instinct is to shut down emotionally and cut ties. This is not healthy, I know. This is fucked up. But at least I recognize that it's fucked up.
I'm married now, I have been for 3 years. I love my wife, she's the funniest, smartest, most amazing woman I've ever met. But she's very strong willed and can be confrontational. If something upsets her she gets angry and is ready for a fight that involves a lot of yelling at me. When I'm upset about something I want to sit down and talk about it, or I just keep it to myself and work through it. So we're very different in that respect. I've met her family, I understand why she's like this. I think a lot of people are like this and I don't personally think there's anything wrong with it. Also, admittedly she does it a lot less since starting to see a therapist.
But whenever she gets like that my first instinct is "DIVORCE!" I realize even at the time that it's just a kneejerk reaction and I don't really feel like that, I never actually bring it up to her, but the thoughts are real. And they come often after those arguments.
How do I get myself out of this habit of wanting to cut ties whenever confronted with anything? What can I do to handle this better?
IneedtohidemyID on
0
Posts
Have you ever tried counselling for yourself? I suppose you're just realizing this issue recently, so it might be a good idea.
Personally, I still haven't lost my own cut and run reaction. It still creeps up every now and then. Usually its domineered by newer, stronger reactions I've built up in its place (such as the "I took a level in badass, nothing can stop me!" and so forth). The longer you keep refusing the impulse, though, the easier it will be to ignore it as time goes on. These things are learned, ingrained to our personalities. I don't see them as every truly vanishing.
Discussing this with your wife would likely be the first step, but I also suspect some time with a therapist could do you some good, as immediately jumping to divorce as a solution to an argument is probably not a good thing, and there's likely some other things you need to work out, as this sounds like an effect that needs its cause identified.
I would suggest any sort of couples counselling unless a) you tell your wife and she doesn't understand, and b) you both decide it's worth it. This is more of a "your side" issue right now.
I think you should see a counselor to get past your initial reaction, but I would imagine that a counselor would start by saying "tell your wife."
You are a grown man who is married, Why does your mother know your online I.D. for one, and why does she track you like wild game?
Some parents are like that.
If I made my online identities known to my mother I can guarantee you she'd do the same.
I'd imagine the reasons and motivations differ however.. can't say for his mom, I'm sure my mom in specific is all, or mostly, based around guilt. When I lived at/near home she couldn't be bothered saying 2 words to me most days. I think the total multi sentence conversations we had that were not chastising me for something might break into triple digits... barely. And that's talking about a time frame of around 20 years.
Ever since I moved further away? I'm constantly called and e-mailed. If I go more than a week or two without contact? That's just too much apparently. I get annoyed at it since... where was this when I was growing up and actually needed some support?
Anyways, not to derail any further... but yeah, some parents... not the healthiest relationships.
Yea this needs to be changed.
I've used the same ID for a looong time. About a year ago I made the mistake once of showing my mom the fact that you can track different searches through Google Alerts and get Email updates. I do it with my dad 'cause he tends to be in the news. She set one up for my dad (Like I said, they're good friends now) and for me just 'cause she likes to read posts from me occasionally 'cause I blog in different places and she's my mom so she's contractually obligated to find me kinda funny and like my writing style. It's not so much about tracking me. But due to the nature of Google Alerts, if I started a thread here she'd more than likely get an Email with a link to the post within the next day or so. I know she'd be crushed to see how much their divorce still affects me.
Also, I took the advice here and told my wife about this. She was, not so surprisingly, very supportive and also suggested I see a counselor about it.
So with her knowing about my issues and me acknowledging them I think this is starting to take a very good turn.
I really should've posted this sooner.