Closure

i n c u b u s

Wow so this past week has been hell for me, I'm gonna try and keep this brief but we'll see and I appreciate everyone in advance for checking this out. Here goes:

-I was dating this girl for a year and a half, totally in love and had big plans for the future.
-We've always had our little problems just like everyone else but in August we moved about 5 hours apart which made things a little hard to say the least.
-She now lives with her sister who doesn't like me for one reason or another, her sis' bf who is a drug dealer who doesn't like me either. They basically feed her bs all day and night about me.
-She comes to visit me two weeks ago and things started off a little rough for one reason or another but we ended up pretty great and she left on a high note.
-Fast forward to her bday which was a week ago and I decide to be hard headed and stick to my guns about something very stupid. (my mentality is that if I just let it go it'll keep happening) She calls me later that day and says she's had enough and that she hasn't been happy for a while etc etc insert more excuses to quit. She def could've fooled me about the happiness part because the day before she was telling me how great it'd be to move in together.

Here's where it gets interesting:

-That night I decide to do everything in my power to save this relationship.....so I drive 5 hours in the middle of the night to see her and talk it out.
-I get there and instead of her seeing me she sends her sis' bf and her gay bestfriend to confront me and tell me to basically go home, meanwhile she's apparently crying her eyes out because I'm there.
-Ever since then I've been having constant dreams about her every night.
-She tried texting me the next day to explain what had happened but I decided to take the high road and just tell her that she needs to leave me alone.

So now its a week later, I still feel like shit and for some reason my entire being wants to talk to her so bad. I know that we wouldn't get back together and nothing good would come from talking to her but I have this intense urge. My friends say its because the lack of closure coming from a very sudden and out of no where end to things. I just need some advice as far as treating this situation.

Sentry

You don't need closure, you need time.

Regardless of what led to her decision, it is one she made. yeah, it's sudden and yeah it sucks, but the only thing that's going to heal you is time. Don't e-mail her, text, call, or stop by. Just cut off all contact and try and move on with your life.

matt has a problem

There already is closure, you're broken up. The intense feeling of wanting to talk to her still and take her back is because you're grieving the end of the relationship.

Breakups, bad breakups at least, are like a death. No matter how much you try to resuscitate it, even if you succeed you're only going to get a zombie stand-in bent on the destruction of your mind.

underdonk

It'll take time to get over this. What you're feeling is completely normal.

Beasteh

I am having exactly the same problem

I broke up with my ex 4 months ago and I still dream about her every single fucking night and would do anything to see her again

she passive aggressively ignored me for a whole month just after coming to visit for a week

we broke up over fucking MSN because she stopped answering my calls/skype/webcam after having done it religiously pretty much daily for like 6 months

i n c u b u s

Except you did the breaking up in that situation. Also guys this isn't the first time we've broken up, hell I even did it once for some pretty ridiculous reasons but didn't feel nearly as bad as I do right now. Each time we've broken up we both knew in our minds we didn't really mean it so one way or another we'd find ourselves back together within a couple weeks. This time is different for sure, this time it really is over I suppose.

Enc

i n c u b u s wrote: »

Except you did the breaking up in that situation. Also guys this isn't the first time we've broken up, hell I even did it once for some pretty ridiculous reasons but didn't feel nearly as bad as I do right now. Each time we've broken up we both knew in our minds we didn't really mean it so one way or another we'd find ourselves back together within a couple weeks. This time is different for sure, this time it really is over I suppose.

What she did was pretty super horrible from the context you gave, making this breakup especially traumatic for you compared to previous ones. You're going to be upset for a good long while. I'd recommend staying as busy as possible so that you don't have time to think about her. Spending time with close friends, working a lot, going out, and having so much fun and being so busy you don't have time to brood is the best thing.

Beasteh

I only broke up with her because she had absolutely 0 desire to ever talk to/see me again and obviously couldn't be assed to have the basic decency to even say it

@op: exercise, work stupidly hard if you have a job, surround yourself with your best friends

i n c u b u s

Thanks guys for the advice so far, I've basically been dedicating my time to trying not to be alone for more than an hour. Thank God I live with roommates otherwise this would be so much harder on me. Instead of going home this weekend where I'm pretty sure she will be at a few of my buddies are coming up to catch a football game which should be great.

This brings up another random question, should I lay off the alcohol consumption this weekend? I've had some people tell me not to touch the stuff for a long while because of it being a depressant which i can completely understand. I def don't want to be any worse than I am right now.

Sentry

That's a personal choice, but if you're going to drink a lot, you might consider entrusting your keys and your cell phone to a trusted friend who promises to not give back either to you until the next day.

Topweasel

i n c u b u s wrote: »

Thanks guys for the advice so far, I've basically been dedicating my time to trying not to be alone for more than an hour. Thank God I live with roommates otherwise this would be so much harder on me. Instead of going home this weekend where I'm pretty sure she will be at a few of my buddies are coming up to catch a football game which should be great.

This brings up another random question, should I lay off the alcohol consumption this weekend? I've had some people tell me not to touch the stuff for a long while because of it being a depressant which i can completely understand. I def don't want to be any worse than I am right now.

Depends if you are just mopping around and are sad instead of getting into the fun with your friends then I wouldn't touch it. Even though I can be depressed a lot I can only think of one time drinking got me stuck on an issue which can be a downer not even just for you but your friends. If your not prone to spilling your guts or overplaying an issue when drinking then I don't see the issue. The goal shouldn't be to get wasted to wipe away your issues, the goal should be to have fun with your friends and in the end if you happened to consume massive amounts of alcohol then that's just a bonus.

i n c u b u s

Yea I've never been the type to drink till I puke or anything crazy, in fact my drinking has only gotten slower since I turned 21. If anything I'll just be good host and have the drinks out for my buddies and maybe have a couple myself to socialize.

Topweasel

i n c u b u s wrote: »

Yea I've never been the type to drink till I puke or anything crazy, in fact my drinking has only gotten slower since I turned 21. If anything I'll just be good host and have the drinks out for my buddies and maybe have a couple myself to socialize.

I am not saying to throw up. I am just saying there are two types of drinkers. The type that even when they are happy they make big deals about little things that lasts for hours, if your depressed and your one of these then I don't suggest drinking. If your are the second kind that even when depressed or having a bad day can just sit back and be a cog in a fun atmosphere then you should be fine to drink and I probably would recommend it.

Lail

Delete her number...delete her from facebook/myspace...

You won't be able to get over this if you're staring at her name on your phone wondering if you should text her, or if you're constantly reminded of her with her FB status updates.

Have fun with your buddies, slam a few back and have a good time.

Blake T

i n c u b u s wrote: »

Thanks guys for the advice so far, I've basically been dedicating my time to trying not to be alone for more than an hour. Thank God I live with roommates otherwise this would be so much harder on me. Instead of going home this weekend where I'm pretty sure she will be at a few of my buddies are coming up to catch a football game which should be great.

This brings up another random question, should I lay off the alcohol consumption this weekend? I've had some people tell me not to touch the stuff for a long while because of it being a depressant which i can completely understand. I def don't want to be any worse than I am right now.

It depends completely how you treat alcohol. Last time I did a I just broke up I am getting trashed with the boys, I had a great time, mainly because it's the ever great re-realisation that my friends are always here for me. I did it to blow off steam. If you are doing it to enhance your mood of being miserable it probably isn't the best idea cause you'll just end up more mopey.

Short answer, yes if you want to have fun, no if you think you are likely to cry in front of people.

T. J. Nutty Nub

Don't talk to her, at all.

Delete every form of contact you can think of, and ignore any attempt on her part

It's time to heal

The LandoStander

There are a couple of positives to all this. Her sister's boyfriend was pretty shady and that makes me think her sister might be a little shady too. You now no longer have to deal with that. Coming from a family with plenty of similar personalities I can tell you that makes your future much easier, not having to deal with them even in passing.

I'm not a fan of drinking regardless of the situation but it's been mentioned that if you're the type that does things you regret when drinking then it's likely not a good idea. Drunk dialing, texting, emailing etc. probably never helped anyone. Plus on the off chance that she dials you up drunk or not it might be good to have your wits about you.

Time heals all wounds or so the saying goes. Long distance relationships are ridiculously hard, I was in one for the better part of four years and that was in what you might view as ideal conditions, our families got along and I couldn't have been more popular with her parents, even then we came close to breaking up. So you've also avoided a very hard road. I'd kick back awhile enjoy your unexpected freedom and do stuff that she didn't like you doing like playing video games or hanging out with obnoxious friends who keep you up too late.

Simpsonia

Get hammered with your best friends. It is the absolute duty of a best friend to get his buddy hammered, and to just listen to everything you wordvomit out of your mouth after a bad breakup. It's incredibly cathartic, and you may find yourself with some new insights that might never have seen the light of day without a social lubricant. Personally I think drinking is necessary in these situations because it slows the thinking process. Whereas sober your thoughts may go off on tangents back to her, if you drink, your thoughts are free to be guided towards fun and forgetting by your friends without those tangents.

mooshoepork

Someone prepare to lime me

Cut off all contact, go out with your friends, get a new hobby, whatever, just stay busy and don't talk to her.

That's the quickest way, in my experience, to get over a bad breakup.

also

Beasteh wrote: »

we broke up over fucking MSN because she stopped answering my calls/skype/webcam after having done it religiously pretty much daily for like 6 months

I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years over the phone by simply saying "fuck it, I'm done"

Haven't seen her since.

That was pretty brutal.

Underdog

Lail wrote: »

Delete her number...delete her from facebook/myspace...

You won't be able to get over this if you're staring at her name on your phone wondering if you should text her, or if you're constantly reminded of her with her FB status updates.

Have fun with your buddies, slam a few back and have a good time.

This. You can add her back in a month or two (or 6, depends on how long it takes to completely get over her) but right now, it'll do nothing but slow your "Getting over her" process down.

Good luck!