Dealing with a self absorbed friend

anotheralt

Sorry for the alt, but don't want this traced back to me.

Situation is simple really. Have a friend, that whenever we talk(usually once a month or so), she makes it all about her. Not only about how's she's doing (which I really don't mind) but also to complain about random stuff. This happens everytime I talk to her, and never asks how I'm doing, or what's happening in my life.

Granted, I'm the sort of friend who remembers little details and will follow up (like asking how her mom is after she got diagnosed with a spinal disorder, or if her bf found a job he likes) so I don't expect everyone to be like me, but some signs that she's interested in my life and I'm not just a sounding off board to her would be nice.

So how should I deal with this? Letting go of the friendship is something I don't want to do, but I'm at a loss about how to speak to her about this to her. How do you tell soemone to shut up and listen to me for a while? *insert Simpson's clip of Homer calling Selma here*

Chanus

If she's really a friend, she'll understand when you tell her it bothers you that it seems one-sided.

matt has a problem

You're only a doormat if you let yourself be one. She could just be self-centered. Do you know if she acts like this with any of her other friends? Or, you could just be her bitching post, the person she calls when she needs to vent.

When you try to talk about yourself, does she cut you off? Or do you just not interject, and resign yourself to only listening and offering advice?

Lail

You say to her what you just told us.

I'm going to assume she won't change.

admanb

A lot of people are just like this. Odds are she's not going to change over anything less than years. The best thing you can do is tell her exactly why you don't want to talk to her anymore.

variant

What kind of "friendship" is that to begin with that you can't let go of it.
There are plenty of decent people around, don't waste your time.

Sheep

How is it a friendship if you merely talk once a month?

If it bothers you that much, then don't talk to her if you can't point your issue out plainly.

NotYou

Do you ever talk about yourself, or do you just expect her to start asking about you? Do you ask her about herself, or does she just start talking about herself?

anotheralt

Going to try to answer the questions that have popped up

variant wrote:

What kind of "friendship" is that to begin with that you can't let go of it.

It's not exactly I can't let go of it, it's more that I only want to as a last recourse. I know it's a doormat quality, but I'm really too quick to forgive and to hold on to friendships.

matthasaproblem wrote:

Do you know if she acts like this with any of her other friends? Or, you could just be her bitching post, the person she calls when she needs to vent.

When you try to talk about yourself, does she cut you off? Or do you just not interject, and resign yourself to only listening and offering advice?

Notyou wrote:

Do you ever talk about yourself, or do you just expect her to start asking about you? Do you ask her about herself, or does she just start talking about herself?

Combination of the two. I'll usually let her go on for a bit, but I'll try to turn the subject to me, bring something up every so often. Sometimes I'll just get brief, curt responses to anything I bring up. I will admit I'm gulity of waiting for her to ask how I'm doing, so if she catches me in a crappy mood, or when something is bugging me I won't bring it up myself.

Sheep wrote:

How is it a friendship if you merely talk once a month?

She lives out of town, so there's no hanging out for us. And some months I'll talk to her more often, other's less. Just averaged it out I guess.

Zombiemambo

It's not exactly I can't let go of it, it's more that I only want to as a last recourse. I know it's a doormat quality, but I'm really too quick to forgive and to hold on to friendships.

This seems to be the more relevant problem. I don't think she's much of a friend.

Wash

What are you getting out of this, if anything?

Asiina

anotheralt wrote: »

I will admit I'm gulity of waiting for her to ask how I'm doing, so if she catches me in a crappy mood, or when something is bugging me I won't bring it up myself.

People aren't mind readers. It's even harder to pick up on signals over the phone that something is wrong. If you want to tell her something about your life then do it. She may be "inconsiderate" for not asking you enough probing questions to get you to open up, but if you're not telling her that something is wrong how is she supposed to know?

Cutting someone out of your life without an explanation is a shitty thing to do. Saying that "you never want to talk about my problems" when you say that you never give any indication that something is wrong, is also a shitty thing to do. Don't do these things. This is far from a cut-and-run situation. Just start talking about yourself more. You don't need to wait to be asked.

desperaterobots

I have a friend like this. Except she'll ask me how I am, and after a few moments of speaking, she'll interrupt and start talking about her own deal. It's not that she doesn't care about me - I know she does, and she's demonstrated it many times - but in the common courtesy every-day chatting back-and-forth those skills are totally lacking.

Sympathies to the OP - I haven't been able to broach the topic with her - she can be very sensitive to criticism, which is part of her charm. All our mutual friends have experienced the same thing with her, though, and the end result has just been that I don't opt to hang out with her as much as I would my other friends for whom a damn is given in both directions.

NotYou

Some people just aren't terrific conversationalists, so they steer the conversation toward themselves because it's easy for them to talk about.