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Dealing with an Overly Talkative Friend
Olteth
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I have a friend who I hang out with on a one-on-one basis. We met through work though we no longer work together, and while seeing him in those short doses at work was okay, hanging out with him outside of work now is a complete pain. Conversations with him are completely one-sided. He gets started on a subject and when I try to get a word in or he finally stops after ten minutes to ask me a question, I get a few sentences before he interrupts me and continues on. He's not negative or condescending, he just never stops talking. We became friends because we have some interests in common, though lately I see his interests are a little more highbrow than mine and when I talk about videogames or music that's not classical we can't have a conversation.
I haven't talked to him in about two months since the last time we hung out. After the last few times I found myself thinking I'd rather not hang out with him than spend half an hour talking and the next two hours listening to him go on and on.
He contacted me to hang out and I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if I should just move on, or if I'm being too judgemental and I should try to talk to him about it. What would you do, H/A?
I haven't talked to him in about two months since the last time we hung out. After the last few times I found myself thinking I'd rather not hang out with him than spend half an hour talking and the next two hours listening to him go on and on.
He contacted me to hang out and I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if I should just move on, or if I'm being too judgemental and I should try to talk to him about it. What would you do, H/A?
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and how do you think that would work out.
If I were in your position I would make it (politely) clear to him that he talks too much and it would be nice if he could just chill and let me have my say every so often
My friends like to drop hints like "man you sure do have a lot to say" or "slow down!"
You could maybe try this if you feel you guys are that comfortable as friends.
It could be a nervousness thing. Lots of people get chatty when they are nervous, usually when they are nervous because they like someone and have difficulty expressing it. In a relationship standpoint, this happens a lot where one partner gets chatty because they don't know what the other person wants to hear or don't know how to respond to the other person's topics but dosen't want to alienate them, so instead they steer the conversation to avoid that situation.
If you like hanging out with the person, on whatever level it is, I'd just be friendly and do slight corrections every now and then when things go a bit overboard. Something like "Slow Down," "May I" and the like. Non-confrontational reminders about how you want to contribute to the conversation as well. Many cultures speak significantly faster than we do, and in translation this can lead to what can appear to be domineering conversation. He might think you are quiet or shy, in this case, and is trying to help you talk more. Most folk would be willing to tone down if you ask it in a genuine and friendly manner.
It could also be that they want someone to listen to them, as few people do. This generally causes a chain of amplification, for the less people they talk to, the more they talk per conversation to make up for it. This then causes people to stop hanging out with them, and then causes them to talk more. I knew a guy like this. He got better, but not until we started threatening to tape his mouth closed every so often (sounds pretty bad, but in the context of the group it was a pretty benign thing to say).
actually most people have this problem to some extent. people need to realize its possible to be engaging without dominating the conversation.
On the other hand if you don't enjoy his company anymore anyway, just politely decline and move on.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
You'll take my essay answers and like it buck-o!
I would do some research on it as these sorts of issues are pretty common. I used to work for a Dutch company that paid loads of money for its employees to learn how to be "less Dutch" when dealing with their American colleagues.
Shoot, I think it's worse when people never stop asking questions. I can't do or say anything without getting asked something. "What's that? Who's that guy? What's going on?" Half the time I don't have the answer, or I don't feel like explaining the whole thing. Shut up and watch
That's actually a pet peeve of mine. It drives me crazy when people ask me questions that could be answered if they just spent the two seconds it would require to actually analyze the situation.
As for the OP, I have several friends like that. Usually it is genuinely an effort to win your affection, just like ENC said. They will usually settle down a bit if you frequently drop obvious hints that you like them as well, but sometimes (understandably) you just don't, so that's hard to do. In that case my solution is to hang out with them two at a time and they can blab each other into submission. This works for me, because I personally don't need to be deeply involved in conversation to feel like I'm spending quality time with somebody, but I realize that I'm different than most folk in that respect, so YMMV.