Getting over someone

Ormuss

This isn't really what I hoped I'd ever be posting about, but I could use a word or two of advice.

I need to purge myself of feelings for a girl I have known for several years at this point. It's clear (and HAS been clear for a good long while) that she's never going to feel the same way about me as I do about her...I've unfortunately been lying to myself for a long time, TOO long. I recognize that this is pretty much entirely my fault, and I want to finally take responsibility and do something.

I believe myself to be a mature person, and I want to handle this as reasonably as possible. I mean, if nothing else, I've been dealing with her as "just friends" for these years, and I don't want to hurt her if at all possible.

However, the wrench in that plan is that I have had issues with depression in the past. I saw a therapist for some time, and I feel myself to be a happier, more stable person as a result. Something I very much fear, though, is somehow slipping back in that direction. I have just recently moved 12 hours away from my family and started a new job, and I feel like I am at least somewhat more...vulnerable as a result of this. I do not want to screw up this job, either. Nothing I know of brings me closer to feeling awful than having to interact with this girl now. And that's an entirely online interaction, as she lives in a completely different city.

The way I have dealt with SIMILAR situations in the past has been to completely cut myself off from the situation or person. As politely as humanly possible, but still. I have actually attempted to do this 2 times before with this girl, with the end result being my allowing myself to be sucked back in after she contacts me. I don't really seem to have many other options, and so I am planning on trying this again, and doing a better job of keeping myself from going back.

My question is...is this wrong? I want to be a good person, and handle this by taking the high road. Is there a better solution? Trying to maintain a normal relationship as friends doesn't seem to be possible...and trying to woo her is not healthy, I can accept this now. Is a polite but firm goodbye an acceptable solution?

There are layers upon layers of extra intricacies that I could detail, but I feel at this point they would simply be over-dramaticizing things. The bottom line is that I want to END the drama.

admanb

Nope. You've got it exactly right. I had to do the same thing not a month ago.

Everyone can't win all the time.

mellestad

You are doing the right thing. If you can't have a relationship as a friend, and you can't have a romantic relationship, just break it off. Dragging it out doesn't help anyone. Good luck though, I've been there and it sucks.

Ormuss

Thank you for the words of encouragement.

I went ahead and did it this evening. It went about as poorly as one would think, though I suppose it ended as well as it could.

It really, really sucks, as has already been said. If there are any further ideas as to what might make it suck less, those would be greatly appreciated as well. If not, I'll muddle through one way or another. As long as I don't relent this time, eventually I hope I'll feel better.

admanb

There's really no magic to it. Go out with friends, do fun stuff, blah blah blah. You'll be feeling better before you know it.

Norfair

Yup, just break it off. That's what I've done in the past. I tried doing the "friends" thing three times and it never worked out. It's just too awkward.

Do what you have to do to vent, make sure to keep busy, hang out with your friends if you can, blast your favorite loud music if you like music, and sooner or later--a few weeks, maybe a month or two--you'll be feeling okay about it.