New relationship mis-step!

desperaterobots

Okay. So I've gotten involved with a guy (he's 22, I'm 27). It's going okay. I feel like I'm trying things on for size since it's been a very long time since I've been in a relationship with someone that wasn't just casual romps. It's pretty new, about 5 weeks, so I'm not heavily invested, but I'm enjoying getting to know him, and getting to know him. :winky:

Anyway, this morning he sent me a text message on my phone asking me to catch up with him for dinner, as he wanted to explain "what happened last night" before "someone else did".

Ominous! I asked him to just spit it out rather than suffering through a potentially awkward meal, and he told me he got very trashed last night and made out with some ladies (he's bi) and a relatively good friend of mine. It all sounded very alcohol-induced, and he apologised and said it was meaningless. The girls I don't care so much about, but the friend was kind of :?

I'm trying to sort out my reactions, and could use a guage as to whether or not I'm being reasonable, or a doormat, or taking shit too seriously.

Basically, I just declined the dinner invite and said that maybe he shouldn't make out with my friends. That's it. The relationship is still new, and I'm pretty forgiving - we all do stupid shit drunk - and I don't want to have some jealous freak out. At the same time I don't know if I've really established that I'm not cool with that. Also, I know it takes two to tango, but I'm finding myself not very pissed at my friend. I don't know if that's unreasonable or not.

Could do with some advice here. Am I striking the right tone? Should I loosen up? Or take it as an omen and lower the life expectancy of this relationship now? :P I guess this is a bit of a YMMV question, but I'm interested in getting some different takes.

Nappuccino

I guess it all comes down to what kind of relationship you want and how serious you want it to be. I mean, if you want it to be more or less exclusive then you should atleast be like "Don't let it happen again, ok?"

I mean, there's nothing wrong with a mistake here or there a long the way especially if he is the first to bring it up and apologize... just don't let more serious things like this happen too often if you're hoping for something long lasting.

Best of luck mate (and i think you're handling it pretty well so far)

noir_blood

I'm kinda curious as to why it doesn't matter to you that he made out with random girls. Would it bother you if he made out with random guys?

Cause either way, he still made out with strangers while dating you.

Nappuccino

I think he's not worried because it was obviously under the influence of alcohol and he seems to regret his actions.

vonPoonBurGer

He's 22 and you're 27... that's a pretty significant gap. A five-year gap between people in their 30s or 40s isn't likely to mean much, but in the 20s? It sounds to me like there might be a maturity gap here. We learn from our mistakes though, and you seem willing to give him a second chance, and I think that's all fine. At this point, OP, I'd say you're being tolerant / forgiving / magnanimous. Just make sure to let him know that he needs to learn from this mistake. If he does it again and you put up with it, then I'd say you're being a doormat.

desperaterobots

noir: It's complicated, I guess.

I think that if he'd only made out with some girls I wouldn't have minded so much, and probably written it off as drunken lols, perhaps because I don't see myself in direct competition with women for this guy - a gay buddy of mine, I do. That he stepped into my social circle is probably what's bothering me more than anything.

I'm sure my reactions would be more uniform regardless of gender/social distance if this was a more mature relationship. The fact alcohol is involved is tempering all of my reactions too. I've made out with boys and girls alike when boozed and it's been utterly meaningless so I'm keeping that in mind.

vonPoonBurGer: Yeah, I mentioned the age gap for the very reason that I'm concious of it. Thanks for the advice.

Metalbourne

Making out with someone's friends is a pretty big red flag. It's like he's trying to cause some drama. If he's doing this kind of shit now after five weeks in the relationship, you can only imagine what's in store a few months down the road.

desperaterobots

I hear you Metal. But the last thing I want to do is poison this thing with paranoia based on a liquor-fuelled face-NOM. Do you think I'm wrong to forgive this? I mean, I don't see myself doing anything but INSTA-DUMP if I got a whiff of this bullshit down the track, but I'm sympathetic to the circumstances right now.

Or is that sympathetic?

4U2NV

How much do you like him? You have only been dating him for 5 weeks and he makes out with your friend.

You can easily find someone who would never do this to you.

Thanatos

I don't think forgiving one drunken fuck-up makes you a doormat. And I have no problem whatsoever telling people that they're being doormats.

You're five weeks into the relationship, he had one fuckup and told you about it. Make it clear that you're not happy about it, and that it better not happen again, but honestly just letting it go is probably about the best, most mature reaction you can have.

I mean, I wouldn't blame you for dumping the guy, but it sounds like you really don't think that's necessary, and you more came in here because you're concerned that you should be more upset than you are. You shouldn't be.

desperaterobots

4U2NV: Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I don't share your optimism on the 'easily find someone' part.

We've only been seeing each other for 5 weeks, so I'm not madly in love with the guy, but I have a growing mental attraction to what was originally not much more than a physical deal.

I like him more the more I get to know him. He's like an onion, see! The first layer is all oniony and disgusting, but the more you eat, the more you get used to crying and smelling like an elderly unshowered italian man!

Thanatos: Thanks. And yeah, I just needed some peer evaulation. Appreciate it!

Kealoha

4U2NV wrote: »

How much do you like him? You have only been dating him for 5 weeks and he makes out with your friend.

You can easily find someone who would never do this to you.

Maybe I'm just really critical of my own community, but finding a young gay guy who doesn't do dumb shit is tough.

Anyway, Robots, this is a funny situation. I'm 21, dating a 26 year old. Who is from Sydney (but now lives in the states). Luckily I am mature for my age and he is kind of childlike for his, so it's not too bad. But we've been together ~7 months now. So, on that front, the age thing can work.

As for the random making out, I think it's a good thing to go from your own experience. When I think about my boyfriend doing something silly like that, it pisses me off. Then I realize I did it before, a year ago, while dating someone else (long story, but I was about to break up anyway). And it was no big deal, I didn't mean anything by it and didn't feel anything close to love or romance, etc. And then him doing something like that doesn't seem as bad.

I'd say speak to your friend who made out with him, let him know what's up. And while it was OK once, and you forgive him, etc., that it's not okay for him (your boyfriend) to do it anymore, and if he feels like there's a risk of it repeating then maybe he shouldn't drink so much.

NotYou

dude straight up told you about it. Let it slide. If it happens again then you'll know that it's a pattern with him and you can leave

Metalbourne

desperaterobots wrote: »

I hear you Metal. But the last thing I want to do is poison this thing with paranoia based on a liquor-fuelled face-NOM. Do you think I'm wrong to forgive this? I mean, I don't see myself doing anything but INSTA-DUMP if I got a whiff of this bullshit down the track, but I'm sympathetic to the circumstances right now.

Or is that sympathetic?

Honestly, I'm what's called an asshole.

So, yeah, I'd dump someone for something like that.

One reason being that people tend to use "I was drunk" as a get out of jail free card.

The second reason being that he made out with one of your friends, which is just an entire can of worms in and of itself.

But to answer your question, no, I don't think you're being a doormat or overreacting. I just wouldn't stay with him if I were in that situation.

Noquar

I see this as a pretty big deal. Where do you draw the line on forgiveness for when he is drunk? In my book - this is the line. At 22 he should be old enough to know where his limit on alcohol is, and not get trashed. Making out with other girls, and your friend is not just drawing the line, he is jumping across with both feet.

I think it establishes a level of distrust that just should not exist in the relationship at this or any stage. My opinion.

For the record - I am about 4 years younger than my wife. She mentioned that she was done dating men younger than her, but I was lucky and impressed her enough to make it last. Good luck.

LavaKnight

I think the kissing friends is rather secondary, and you should decide whether or not you want to be with someone who gets inebriated enough to do these types of things. That's the quality you should be thinking about in a significant other, not the kissing.

Esh

He's 22 and bi. This'll happen again. Drop him and find someone closer to your age.

desperaterobots

Okay, let's lock this one up, I'm sensing an incoming wave of stereotype-based advice! Thanks for the perspective guys, I've told him I won't hold it against him but next time will be the last. Cheers.

Improvolone

What was your friend doing kissing him?