Discussing Personal Hygiene with a Partner

Olteth

I'm hoping any married/long term relationship PAers can help me out with this one.

I'm planning to move in shortly with my girlfriend and I really feel I need to talk to her about personal hygiene. She's a great girl and I love everything about her but she only brushes her teeth once a day and often has food caked in them. It looks bad and often when I kiss her it tastes bad too. It's something I didn't bring up earlier in the relationship because we saw each other less often and were still getting to know each other.

I'm not sure how to bring it up gently. I don't want to hurt her feelings of course but it's something I feel like I really need to talk about.

Improvolone

People generally want to know if they have bad hygiene. You just need to do it. Find a way that you think will work for your situation.
Say she leans into kiss you and you know this is going to be an extended play session, "would you mind brushing your teeth first?" might be appropiate.

Euphoriac

Improvolone wrote: »

People generally want to know if they have bad hygiene. You just need to do it. Find a way that you think will work for your situation.
Say she leans into kiss you and you know this is going to be an extended play session, "would you mind brushing your teeth first?" might be appropiate.

This, imo is terrible advice. Dropping that when she's about to get intimate? NoNO.

Simply get her alone, sit her down and gently talk to her about it. Tell her what you said here, about her being a great girl and that you love everything about her, but that the teeth thing is becoming an issue. Be supportive and constructive. Be prepared to comfort her if it looks like she's taking it badly that she's embarrased herself and upset you would probably be the main reasons for taking it badly).

Just be sensitive and supportive. DON'T be accusatory and confrontational. She's your girlfriend and she'll appreciate the honesty, but only if it's done right.

EDIT: When i mean supportive, i mean offer her solutions and so on. 'All you need to do is brush more often, and rinse your mouth with water after a messy meal' would do.

adytum

Been there, dealt with that. I just spoke to her one evening while we were on the couch making out about how eating can really make your mouth taste sour, and it's unfortunate because I enjoy kissing you so much.

She went to brush here teeth and it was never a problem after that. Some people just don't realize until someone tells them.

Be direct but don't be an asshole about it and it should be an easy conversation unless she's unbalanced.

Stragus

Biggest issue you're going to have here is telling her without killing her self-esteem. Women have varying levels of insecurity so, depending on how secure she is with herself, you could have an easy time of it or be dealing with an angry/crying person.

If you want to be subtle, and this worked well on an ex of mine. Before you two make out, talk about brushing your teeth and head off to the bathroom to scrub them down. Offer to have her accompany you so she can talk to you while you brush. Then drop subtle hints, like "I love that fresh feeling after brushing my teeth," and explain to her that you don't want to kiss her with bad breath. She might take the hint, might not. But worked for me.

Improvolone

http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?t=99417&highlight=breath+smells

Captain Vash

Stragus wrote: »

Biggest issue you're going to have here is telling her without killing her self-esteem. Women have varying levels of insecurity so, depending on how secure she is with herself, you could have an easy time of it or be dealing with an angry/crying person.

If you want to be subtle, and this worked well on an ex of mine. Before you two make out, talk about brushing your teeth and head off to the bathroom to scrub them down. Offer to have her accompany you so she can talk to you while you brush. Then drop subtle hints, like "I love that fresh feeling after brushing my teeth," and explain to her that you don't want to kiss her with bad breath. She might take the hint, might not. But worked for me.

the passive agressive route is probably the absolute worst route possible.

best result = it works and you come off like a dick
worst result = it doesn't work, and you still come off as a dick

be direct and honest, but not accusatory and you'll be fine.

starmanbrand

So you're moving in with someone you're not comfortable being honest and open with? Seems like a big leap of faith.

phoxphyre

You will have to approach this one carefully. I don't envy you!

That said, I've heard that (while this is an embarrassing discussion) a good portion of people are also grateful to be told.

An angle you could think about is the "Dentist angle". Not brushing your teeth (OMG and Flossing!) will lead to cavities. Perhaps pretend to be worried about your teeth, and insist on some communal brushing sessions -- "come on, we both eat the same food and you don't want a visit to the dentist as well!"

Good luck!

Scalfin

If all else fails, you could suggest that her gum line is moving up.

Wezoin

My advice would just be to ask her if she brushed her teeth, don't mention you've noticed it before, pretend to be surprised that her breath smells. She'll probably get a bit self conscious and start brushing more often, and if she doesn't just do that again a few times and she'll catch on without you having to be like "Look, you dont brush your teeth and its gross"

GreasyKidsStuff

I had an issue with hygiene with a significant other once before, only instead of not brushing her teeth, it was... not keeping the playing field trim, if you know what I mean :winky: It was about 6 weeks into our relationship, and basically I just sat her down after we had some fun and said that even though I loved every single thing about her, and didn't want to hurt her, and really had a lot of fun with her, I would appreciate it if you maybe shaved a bit down there. That was all that was needed, she totally understood, and for the rest of the relationship it was smooth sailing And she liked it more that way too, so it worked out.

Just gotta be nice and honest with her, that's the only way to go about it. Don't try and do it by being subtle with little hints here and there, I think that's a real dickish way to go do it.

Scalfin

My dad's a dentist, so I'll actually push my girlfriend out of bed if she goes to sleep without brushing. No girlfriend of mine is getting cavities.

Stragus

Seems like the best bet is to just be open and honest, but polite about it. Be respectful and you should be good.

admanb

Improvolone wrote: »

http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?t=99417&highlight=breath+smells

As hilarious as that thread was, a lot of the advice took a slightly different track than is appropriate here.

Improvolone

Yes, but what worked in the end?

admanb

Improvolone wrote: »

Yes, but what worked in the end?

Well, he got lucky and she asked him.

But, seriously, just tell her. A lot of the advice here is hella passive-aggressive and ballless. Figure out a time when it's okay if she's a little hurt for a while, and do it.

Jasconius

Or at least lead by example. When you're about to get it on, interject and say you need to brush your teeth real quick, maybe she'll get the hint. It will at least cause her to think about it, and if it doesn't then when she tastes Colgate every time you make out, she will definitely think about it.

Blake T

Jasconius wrote: »

Or at least lead by example. When you're about to get it on, interject and say you need to brush your teeth real quick, maybe she'll get the hint. It will at least cause her to think about it, and if it doesn't then when she tastes Colgate every time you make out, she will definitely think about it.

No, this is being passive aggressive.

Tell her that that she is awesome in every other way but this. To fix this you would appreciate her to brush one more time during the day. Then finish up by saying that you would hope she would tell you if you have a habit she finds annoying. If she does listen to it and take it in and don't be an arse about it otherwise you will be pretty hypocritical.

Zombiemambo

Blaket wrote: »

Jasconius wrote: »

Or at least lead by example. When you're about to get it on, interject and say you need to brush your teeth real quick, maybe she'll get the hint. It will at least cause her to think about it, and if it doesn't then when she tastes Colgate every time you make out, she will definitely think about it.

No, this is being passive aggressive.

Tell her that that she is awesome in every other way but this. To fix this you would appreciate her to brush one more time during the day. Then finish up by saying that you would hope she would tell you if you have a habit she finds annoying. If she does listen to it and take it in and don't be an arse about it otherwise you will be pretty hypocritical.

"Baby, I love you, but God damn your mouth smells like an ass"

Jasconius

I see absolutely nothing to gain by not trying to drop hints before you potentially insult your girlfriend in a very personal way right to her face.

Blake T

Because being passive aggressive is a pretty shitty way to treat someone and pretty much says I lack the spine to address actual problems.

Usagi

See, I'd much rather my partner say "Hey, could you brush your teeth because damn girl!" rather than be all passive aggressive

Because seriously, if you can't talk to her about teeth, how are you going to talk about actually important things like money

Jasconius

See folks, there's a difference between passive aggressive and just passive.

Passive aggressive is refusing to kiss someone because they don't brush their teeth. There's aggression there.

Trying to be clever is not being aggressive at all, and guess what, not every female has nerves of steel.

Blake T

As Usagi says, if you can't talk to her about how many mints the girl needs to munch on what they hell are you going to do when you have money issues.

Loudly announce you are going down to the bank to file bankruptcy? Ask her if she wants to come along with?

E.Coyote

Tell her she has kitten breath and maybe pick up the two pack of the sonicare tooth brushes for a house warming gift. The high end brushes are really nifty.

ceres

I am married, and as a married person who sees the best and worst of my husband on a regular basis and vice versa I'm sure, this situation has come up for both of us on more than one occasion. Usually, a simple "Please go brush your teeth" is plenty. It's not a big deal because we don't make a big deal, it's just one of those silly things that comes up sometimes, and we laugh about it.