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Am I out of line? - girlfriend
jasonlester
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Sorry for the two threads, but this is really bugging me.
I haven't seen my girlfriend for a couple of days due to her being at friends houses/work, so I invite her over tonight. She agrees, I pick her up.
Basically she gets a text from some friends (one whom she had a fling with while ago when she wasn't with me) and decides since she hasn't seen them in a while she'll ditch our plans (while she's at my house) and go with them to a club for "an hour or so."
Well, 4 hours later, after no invitation to go with her I'm home alone.
I'm upset. Am I overreacting? I'm not good at solving problems like this. I just get upset. I shut down, and I don't communicate.
I don't know what to do. Should I just drop it?
I haven't seen my girlfriend for a couple of days due to her being at friends houses/work, so I invite her over tonight. She agrees, I pick her up.
Basically she gets a text from some friends (one whom she had a fling with while ago when she wasn't with me) and decides since she hasn't seen them in a while she'll ditch our plans (while she's at my house) and go with them to a club for "an hour or so."
Well, 4 hours later, after no invitation to go with her I'm home alone.
I'm upset. Am I overreacting? I'm not good at solving problems like this. I just get upset. I shut down, and I don't communicate.
I don't know what to do. Should I just drop it?
jasonlester on
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I'm betting she expected you to invite yourself along, these things are usually simple misunderstandings.
Some people just lose the difference in their translation and don't realize they're being a jerkoff.
Honestly I'd voice your displeasure, but if it happens again I'd be headed for the door.
If she said one hour, and by 4 later you had no contact, this is bad.
I was in this situation last may, and turned out after two or three of these 'going out with friends and not calling when she said she would' nights, she was fucking around.
Just talk to her. Not playing scare tactics or anything, but don't let her walk on you.
1) Your girl pulled a pretty dick move
2) You were passive about it and let her walk all over you, even if it wasn't intentional
On #2, I know that I get into nasty spates with my partner over this kind of stuff, and 90% of it comes down to a lack of communication. I'm all too often content to just let her do whatever she wants, without verbal complaint or question, which can lead to uncomfortable situations when she's waiting for me to say something, etc.
A few weeks back was a minor breaking point when she had a terrible day and her co-workers took her out to a bar in order to wind-down. Turns out I got home as normal, and then fretted and called and wondered where she was. We both work in a rather rough area, and I was immensely concerned. It forced a conversation, and now we're more aware of how our actions effect each other. She should have called and told me where she was, and I probably shouldn't have been so fretful over the whole thing as she can take care of herself.
That being said, you should probably tell her how you feel. Mention it to her, explain to her calmly what you felt, and hopefully you two can work it out.
Dude... HUGE red flag.
Maybe I'm over-protective or whatever adjective you want to describe me. But I have a rule that is very, VERY, clearly laid out to any girl I've ever dated. If you are friends with someone you've fucked, no matter how long it's been, you're not hanging out with them unless I'm around too.
Sex is something that toys with emotions in a very powerful way, especially when it comes to women. If they've fucked them in the past, odds are they wouldn't have a problem fucking them again.... and again.... and again....
Seriously dude, let her know that shit isn't cool. She told you an hour or so. It turned in to 4. As someone who is involved with her in a relationship that extends beyond friendship, you have every right to know exactly what happened while she was out. Especially considering one of her old fuck buddies was there. Basically she needs to be honest and re-assuring that the reason she was out for 4 hours without asking if you wanted to come along wasn't because she was spreading her legs for some other dude.
Maybe I'm reading too much into this. But what little there is described of the situation screams that she fucked around. Going to the club with an old friend she used to fuck around with, not asking if you(who she already had plans to go out with) wanted to come along, saying she'd only be out for "an hour or so" and then being gone for 4 without so much as a phone call? Yea dude, you have every right to not only be pissed, but completely suspicious of her. Let her know this.
But you aren't out of line, your upset is understandably justified. It was at the least, self-centered (and either oblivious or passive-aggressive) of her to get you to drive her out to the club but not invite you to come along. There may be mitigating circumstances, but it doesn't sound like she's shared any with you.
I mean she certainly could've been screwing around on you ... or not. There's little to be gained from assuming that's the case unless you just want to be more upset (possibly unjustifiably so).
You should share with her that her actions hurt your feelings and see where the conversation goes. Preferably do this when you're calm and she doesn't have some place she'd rather be.
Not in my experience. Every woman I've ever trusted to hang out with someone they've fucked alone, has always ended up fucking them again. There's a reason most people say you shouldn't try to be friends with ex's. Ex sex happens all too frequently.
Yes be cautious but that rule you laid out above
shows a pretty serious lack of trust here, and one night out meeting up with old friends doesn't exactly validate that.
If she'd been ducking him for weeks and always winds up at the same club with the same old friend and decided to "share a cab home with him, but then sleep off the booze at his place" and then she acted all remorseful and slept with him immediately afterwards to "allay his fears" ... then sure, start up with the red flag of fuckery.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
Now, a couple of things:
1) Strategery is very right about hanging out with a friend with whom she'd had a fling. The important part is that she went out drinking with said friend, to a club. Now, I'm currently dating an amazing guy, but I'm still decent friends with my ex, and my ex and I have quite a few very good mutual friends. So we hang out fairly often. HOWEVER: I will never hang out with my ex alone; I will never go to a club unless my SO is there, and if my SO can't make it (such as this weekend; my SO has already left for turkey day but I'll be going out with my ex and our friends on Saturday) then I will not drink very much and I will make absolutely sure there is no way anyone could think anything happened. At some point I'm sure things will be completely cool with my ex, but our relationship was recent enough that (a) I don't trust him (when he drinks he gets REALLY flirtatious), and (b) it's just not worth the risk of even APPEARING to screw up and possibly losing my SO.
So I would never ever go to a club with my ex but without my SO.
2) However, not only did she break the rule I mentioned in #1, which you have every right to be upset over, but she asked you for a ride to it! That's unbelievably rude.
3) Now, maybe she expected that you would know you were just invited along. That's still a bullshit excuse though. At some point when you were giving her a ride, she should've said something like "But aren't you coming too?!" It doesn't sound like that happened. Now, sometimes me and my SO have slight misunderstandings: Because we are both hugely independent people, we like to give ourselves and the other person some space. So one of us will say "I'm going to do X" and while we may want the other person to come, we don't want to pressure them into it. So we'll say "... you're welcome to come if you want." But then the other person thinks "Oh man they don't sound like they REALLY want me to come... maybe they want some space and they're just being polite." This is a fallacy we fall into when we forget that good communication is the best fucking policy and there is no excuse to get stuck in these little games.
4) Lastly, 4 hours when she said 1 hour and no sign of returning when (correct me if I'm wrong) she implied she would? That's not only flaky, it's also rude.
tl;dr: Either your girlfriend is being a flake and needs to understand that hanging out with a fling, while using you for a ride and completely ditching you, is not cool; or she needs to understand that if she wanted you to come (which she should've!) she needed to communicate that better because you felt completely left out and unwanted. Basically no matter how you spin it, she screwed up and she needs to understand this.
One last thing: Oh man, this is me to a fucking T. When my SO does something, my first reaction is not "Handle it calmly and ask why and figure it out in a responsible matter", it's "shut down and get tongue-tied and feel upset and sad and helpless". I'm working on not doing this, but the important thing is: Take a few deep breaths. Think carefully for a few seconds about what you want to say. Then you say, "Hey, this isn't a huge deal, but I really would appreciate it if you would ____. Is that ok?" If you can avoid putting them on the defensive, and if you can have a calm discussion about whatever it was that upset, you will end up a lot happier in a much more, um, stable relationship.
Maybe your problem is women you pick, rather than all women. Who says you shouldn't be friends with exes? The only place I have ever heard that is here on the PA boards, never in real life. One of my good friends all throughout college and since we graduated was a guy I dated for a few months my very first semester.
To the OP: it does sound like either she isn't interested in you or some wires got crossed. I wouldn't be particularly worried about the guy she had a fling with, though.
If she was expecting you to come along and you didn't maybe she thought you didn't feel well and didn't want to bother you? That is the sort of misunderstanding my husband and I had more than once when we started dating, one of us would think something was obvious (like we wanted the other person to come along to something) and the other person wouldn't have gotten the message and would feel hurt. I would just ask her. If it was a misunderstanding it should be easily cleared up, if it wasn't... probably not a good sign.
When you've been burned by every woman who's hung out with an ex or someone they've had a fling with alone, after they assured you nothing would happen. Yea you're going to lack trust on certain things until the other half of the relationship can prove they can hang out around them without sex ever even entering their thoughts.
In his situation he's got the double whammy of a former fling, and alcohol. Worst possible combination. On top of that her saying it would only be an or or so, and it turning in to 4 doesn't bode well. Too many red flags, and not handling the situation and finding out if anything happened or not is simply being a door mat. He has every right to the truth, and she kicked off a ton of red flags with her behavior. almost like she's hiding her boyfriend from her "old friends"(which at least one of these "old friends" has fucked her in the past).
It's fine to be friends with them. But when you don't want your current boyfriend to hang around you and your ex, and you and your ex go out drinking. Yea I've got problems with that. Alcohol is simply a scape goat for bad decisions. And drinking with someone you used to fuck, while dating someone new, is a recipe for disaster.
I don't have a problem allowing my current girlfriend to hang out with a couple of guys I know she fucked. Namely because I got to meet them first, we've all hung out on several occasions.... And I made it very clear to these guys that I have a concealed weapons license, several firearms, and a very short fuse...
Thanks for being a bad example for the rest of us, shithead. :x
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
Hey I don't put up with cheaters. Period. I'm the most loyal and loving person to my girlfriend that you'll probably ever meet. I trust her, I don't trust the guys to keep their hands off of her. So drawing boundries that clearly state if you even attempt to fuck around with her I will find you helps them realize she's off limits. I'm fine if they want to remain friends, it just needs to be made extremely clear that it ends at friendship.
Wow. I think the person with the problem in this thread is not the OP.
I could have made a big deal out of it, or made a point to "force" my way into her other circle of friends, but at the time I just simply wasn't interested. I wanted to be with someone who actively got me involved in her things, not ignore me because I wasn't part of a certain group. So I dumped her nicely (said how I didn't think things were going to work out, etc.) and moved on. We were still friendly and nice to each other but not being in the relationship was the better option for me at the time. It helped that the relationship was relatively new, too.
If you feel like you're being kind of dumped on in a relationship, you really have two options -- bring it up with her, and point out how you feel, or you figure you're not interested in dealing with it and bail.
I can't possibly fathom how these women keep leaving you, you're such a charming and level-headed individual with endless respect for [strike]your property[/strike] women.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
I think it's been addressed already, but this is terrifying advice. Women are not possessions and nor do they require "protection". Of course there are women and men who want to be treated as the above, but it isn't some baseline for behavior.
Besides, OP, there isn't really any evidence for "cheating", only for some asshole-ish and crappy behavior.
So you don't trust your girlfriend to only stay friends with her non-rapist exes?
EDIT: that might have too many negatives to be clear. So I am rephrasing: You have a low enough opinion of your girlfriend's ability to choose her friends that you think she is friends with exes that are going to rape her?
Yes, thinly veiled threats are always the way to go.... if everyone woman you have seen as ended up sleeping around on you you either date women of poor character, or perhaps you are doing something wrong.
I am friends with alot of women that I use to be intimate with, my GF has met them, likes them and doesnt feel threatened by them. I have hung out with them one on one as well, while I can easily recall our previous exploits in bed I respect them they respect me and we are all in good relationships, shit I introduced one of my previous FWBs to my good friend and they have been happily together for over 2 years if I recall.
Then again maybe its a mindset, I am a pretty laid back person, I got fucked over once by a long long term girlfriend , came as a shock and I went mental. I have been in the situation, I know what its like to be betrayed but I got over it (after counciling and time) and I dont distrust my current partner or girlfriends I had before her (although one ended kinda weird but I wont hold that against her, she was amazing in bed and after we broke up she sent me the best goddamn breakup explaination letter ever)
Tho to the OP, that is sucky, you are not your GFs cab service, she should be more considerate. As for 1 hour turning into 4, its a club I cant think of a time where I just spent one hour in one, unless of course I wasnt having fun, you easily lose track of time if you are dancing or drinking and chatting.
No I trust her to say no. And I have a small amount of faith in them to acknowledge that no and take it no further. The point is they should never be in a position that she should have to say no. Ever. And if they can't respect our relationship, then they need to know I will not be tolerating that shit.
My girlfriend knows she's free to leave at any time. If she has desires to be with someone else I'm fine with her doing so, so long as she breaks things off before it reaches that point. Cheaters are the lowest of the low when it comes to my scum-bag rating. And anyone who encourages that kind of behavior needs to know there are repercussions for doing so.
I know my girlfriend loves me, and she knows I love her. She knows I'll do anything she needs me to. Like last night where, despite having to be at work at 7am today, I was willing to run across town to the only store in town that was still open at 2am to buy fucking advil for her to make a headache go away. I love her and do everything I can to take care of her. And I trust her not to make bad decisions. Like I said though, I do not trust anyone she's slept with in the past to not attempt to put her in a situation to potentially make bad decisions. So I take care of any potential problem before it occurs.
And the funny thing is, she has THANKED ME for that. She knows these guys still have feelings for her. She knows they'd jump her given any opportunity. But she knows now that if they even attempt to put her in that situation, I will take care of business. And as a result actually feels more at ease hanging around them alone, because she knows they will not try anything with her since they know I will come around if they do.
Your GF should be smarter than that and not put herself or have to make you threaten guys. Tho she might enjoy that, being fought over etc. I have met women like that, not my long term type but they can certainly be fun in the short term.
I am not going to critize you (even tho I did before) if it works for both of you awesome.
Far be it from me to suggest that the type of women who enjoy those kinds of bullshit headgames aren't interested in long-term relationships themselves... :P
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
Seriously? I can't stand that attitude from a boyfriend. My husband wasn't any where near as overbearing as you sound and we had to have some talks when we first started dating. I am an adult and can take care of my own problems. If my exes don't respect me enough to not make inappropriate advances I won't be friends with them (and oddly enough that has never been an issue). I guess you found the right woman for you.
She is a person, she will have her own life, being in a relationship means that you agree to partake in PART of that life. If she went out with an old romantic partner and came home 3 hours late, you ask wtf happened.
If you trust them, you take what they say as the truth.
If you don't, you fight with them and leave.
You'll notice something about those two options.
THEY ARE YOUR CHOICE. So STOP asking for advice and start just ACTING. Then make a decision. Done. Life explained.
Give me my billion dollars for telling you something your mom should of explained at the age of 3.
*hugs jail cell*
Not to get back on topic here, but breaking this down, your girlfriend made plans with you, started to hang out, got invited to do something else, and decided that she'd rather do that instead of hanging out with you.
Personally, I'm not cool with that. If we have plans, it means we want to hang out, if you bail on me to hang with someone else at the last minute, that makes me feel unimportant. I'd just walk.
If this girl is gonna act like that, she is telling you that you take second place behind other people. Personally, if I'm in a relationship, I want that person to be my #1 priority and the reason I bail on my friends is to hang out with her, not the other way around.
So if you're cool with being second place on her list, than that's fine. If you make her your #1 priority and it upsets you, either walk on the whole deal and find someone who feels the same way as you, or try to talk to her about it and see if it's a miscommunication first.
What does that mean, "take care of business"? Like BTO?
Considering his previous statement, I think it means "shoot them in the face."
Because that's a healthy attitude to have in a relationship.
That's so controlling. Do you abide by the same rule yourself? If I dated a guy with a list of rules he would not last long.
Is bad. You need to learn how to deal with problems.
I was invited over to a friend's house. I asked my parents for a lift, which they gave me. What I didn't know what that my friend wanted to hang out with a second friend who didn't have a ride and lived close to me. Their plan was that this second friend was going to catch a ride when my parents came to pick me up.
It would have all worked out well for them if they weren't such idiots. He called my parents to come pick me up and literally said, "Come pick up your kid, bring John, we're bored."
I think you've got a one-way agency problem here.
It's so nice that you allow your girlfriend to hang out with her friends. You're a champ!
To OP: Yeah, what she did is pretty shitty but I wouldn't necessarily assume she's cheating. It's definitely understandable that you'd be upset about being blown off like that, with her leaving almost as soon as she arrives at your place (and, on top of that, getting you to drive her to the club!). Not calling you after an hour and taking four instead...well, it sucks, but I at least can understand it. There have been a number of times where I tell my girlfriend that I'll be at her house in 2 hours but I get caught up in a video game or something and next thing I know it has been 3. It's embarrassing to be the person who does it, and she definitely had every right to be irritated (and was, the first few times). So on that count, it was stupid but not necessarily malicious.
On the "hanging out with an ex" topic that Strategery has so eloquently expounded upon, I would like to take the opposite viewpoint and reaction. Sometimes my girlfriend wants to do stuff with people besides me and get some time apart, and that's fine. Sometimes I do the same to her. It's natural and, in my opinion, healthy. Her hanging out at a bar with a friend who happens to be an ex is not really a big deal, to me. She has the right to hang out with who she wants without interference from you. I think you understand that, though, since you didn't try to stop her from going.
So really, the only thing she did "wrong" (if you want to call it that) is blowing you off once she had said she'd do something with you and then making you drive her to the place. I, personally, don't think that not inviting you is a big deal (which is to say, I wouldn't be offended if it happened to me).
In the end, though, what I think is important doesn't really matter. I think somebody may have already said it, but if it offended you or hurt your feelings, it is an issue and you need to bring it up with her. Period. If you're feeling hurt, it is a real problem and needs to be addressed by her.
Just be careful not to go down the "you don't get to hang out with X person/people unless I say so/I'm there" road because in that direction lays a controlling relationship and I don't think anybody wants that (besides Strategery).
Edit: Also, if your girlfriend cheated on you, why would you attack the other guy? He isn't the one that cheated on you!