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Feeling lonely
Pali
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, here I am. I've started my training as a Teacher.
I don’t mind standing in front of 30 kids, that is fine and manageable, but what is really getting to me is that I’m so lonely though all of this. I've moved down to where I’m training with my fiancé and that sounds fine already, so would most people think.
I've moved down here with essentially nothing else, no friends, no support or anything else like that.
My background when I was at home was a group of six friends and nothing much else, when I came to uni I made about the same amount of friends who I lived with for a few years. I relied on weed to get me through my years at uni as it was the one thing that always gave the same result of happiness. Now I’m just here with my fiancée.
Any social gathering with her friends I become scared of, or I start to feel ill while attending and have to excuse myself to get some breathing room. Even tonight there was a night out and I had to escape because I did not see the point of even trying to talk to the people as I felt they were not worth talking or even interacting with.
I don’t know what to do.
My feelings at the moment are to just pack up where I am and move back to familiar ground and start smoking again; to me any other consequence of this does not matter. I have even been drinking every night for the past two weeks just to get a feeling of happiness and escape the stress of the training.
There is no time to get out and try to even socialise, my time that I have at the moment is not worth the time of those people that I meet through my fiancé and even sitting around with them for a while results in anger or frustration, this I am assuming is not normal behaviour?
I feel that I cannot make myself better to fit in with these people; they talk about thing which I have no interest in or just talk about meaningless stuff that is just filler talk. The one thing I’m worrying about is that I’m bringing a gap between me and my fiancé that will, well, place me on my own completely, something that I am terrified of.
Is this something that I am alone in feeling?
Sorry about this appearing as a rant, but I could not think of any other way of phrasing things.
I don’t mind standing in front of 30 kids, that is fine and manageable, but what is really getting to me is that I’m so lonely though all of this. I've moved down to where I’m training with my fiancé and that sounds fine already, so would most people think.
I've moved down here with essentially nothing else, no friends, no support or anything else like that.
My background when I was at home was a group of six friends and nothing much else, when I came to uni I made about the same amount of friends who I lived with for a few years. I relied on weed to get me through my years at uni as it was the one thing that always gave the same result of happiness. Now I’m just here with my fiancée.
Any social gathering with her friends I become scared of, or I start to feel ill while attending and have to excuse myself to get some breathing room. Even tonight there was a night out and I had to escape because I did not see the point of even trying to talk to the people as I felt they were not worth talking or even interacting with.
I don’t know what to do.
My feelings at the moment are to just pack up where I am and move back to familiar ground and start smoking again; to me any other consequence of this does not matter. I have even been drinking every night for the past two weeks just to get a feeling of happiness and escape the stress of the training.
There is no time to get out and try to even socialise, my time that I have at the moment is not worth the time of those people that I meet through my fiancé and even sitting around with them for a while results in anger or frustration, this I am assuming is not normal behaviour?
I feel that I cannot make myself better to fit in with these people; they talk about thing which I have no interest in or just talk about meaningless stuff that is just filler talk. The one thing I’m worrying about is that I’m bringing a gap between me and my fiancé that will, well, place me on my own completely, something that I am terrified of.
Is this something that I am alone in feeling?
Sorry about this appearing as a rant, but I could not think of any other way of phrasing things.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Pali on
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You have to become interested in people in order to start connecting; they aren't going to come to you, you have to go to them. Doesn't matter if their interests' aren't something you particularly care about. Just spend a few minutes a day researching a little bit about their subject material and watch the sparks fly. Most of the time they'll just dominate the entire conversation; I've sat through many a one-sided conversation where the person at the end of the night would call me a "charming, charismatic person", even though I didn't do a thing!
Once you start putting in the effort, sooner or later the favor will be returned, and the people will start taking interest in aspects of life that you enjoy.
Everyone has the craving to be important. I didn't say "want", or "longing" or "desire. I said "craving"
Everybody wants to be appreciated. Just give them an audience and they'll be putty in your hands.
QFT
Until very recently, I was largely misanthropic as well. I didn't have any problems with my current friends, but I really didn't care to actively go out and meet new people. I simply assumed to be uninterested or apathetic towards anything they might have to say.
After a sudden epiphany and desire to learn more about other people, I'm now giving a lot of effort to just...well... learn about other people. People I wouldn't have cared to learn about before.
And yeah, some of them will be duds. But some of them will be pretty awesome once you open up their brains a bit. The problem I think you're having is the same I had. You're assuming they're all duds.
Find a place you can strike up some conversations and you'll be able to separate the wheat from the chaff pretty quickly.
Look for opportunities to make your own friends, as AyeJaye mentioned above. Find yourself some extracurricular activities that are of interest to you, and go for them. If that doesn't suit, take up some volunteer work. Your goal should be to connect with a few people locally who share some of your interests.
You need to build yourself a life where she is. And don't hesitate to talk to her about this, she may have some ideas of activities you can take up or places you can go to meet people who share your interests. At the very least she can provide a little comfort and understanding as you undertake this difficult task. After all, you're in the relationship partially to help support each other.
For sure. I rock climb, and 99.99% of my friends are from the climbing gym. I've met people in class and junk, but they just don't measure up. Find something you like to do and you might find people who are passionate about it and really cool.
This is my second year here, and starting a chat up with someone on the fly without seeming creepy or threatening isn't even an issue. Most of my best friends up here I met at said places listed above, and I really made an extra effort to show some people I cared.
For example, I attended every one of my friend Tom's band shows, regardless of how busy my schedule was. Didn't matter how expensive the cover-charge fee was, or how fucking miserable the weather had been that day, I was there. Now i'm sure that dude would take a bullet for me any day of the week.On the flip side, my buddy Dorian has practically saved my ass so many times i'd take a bullet for him!
Extracurricular activities are a big plus to this, because it cuts straight through the bullshit and makes a B-line towards a common interest. You're all there for the same reason, so you already have a major jump in terms of conversation.
Yikes. These statements stand out as potentially problematic. It sounds like you're relying on substances for your happiness, and that seems like a it could potentially be a big problem, depending on the amount you're consuming. It's also not a great coping strategy.
You sound like you've got a lot going on, anxiety, feeling isolated, while simultaneously looking down on the people you are interacting with. Moving to a new area without any support is really tough, you have to really make a point of seeking out people to hang out with and social activities. Are you making a point to keep in touch with your friends and family from prior to moving? If not, you should be.
You could check out Meetup.com to see whats going on in your area, if you're in a decently sized place, there should be all kinds of things you could attend to try and meet some new people and form an independant social circle from fiancee.
But for any thing like that to actually work, you're going to have to be open minded and accepting of other people.
I'm pretty certain teachers get drug tested and from what I've read, one positive test essentially ends your teaching career (anyone, please correct me if I'm wrong - just something I read recently because I'm considering being a teacher).
I understand you have a fiancee and you're in a tough position to ask for help, but you need to nip this in the bud. If you require alcohol to function (in this case, I understand it to be the case that you need it to be happy) then it could turn into alcoholism one day. It doesn't look like you're anywhere close to that but I felt obligated to draw some attention to the fact that depending on pot or alcohol for happiness is not a good habit, especially if one can ruin your career before it even begins.
I second seeing your doctor and/or psychiatrist.
Additionally, the Docs may put you on some sort of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety drugs, and from what you've said, you probably don't need to introduce more substances into your routine..
I've been there man, just stay cool.
Edit: So, I've been thinkin'.. Maybe a small prescription of anti-anxiety meds might help. Talk it over with your girl, and try to stay away from the green. I don't wanna be a hypocrite, but as a former daily cone+ smoker of 5 years, relaxing the habit definately helps with social relations type stuff
I know you lightened your stance in your edit, but just the same, this is bad advice. This is Tom-Cruise-Psychiatry-Is-Evil level of advice. Properly administered, controlled doses of anti-anxiety/psycopathy/whatever drugs, if needed (as determined by a licensed psychiatrist) can be an enormous benefit for someone who's brain chemistry has gone out of whack.
But maybe his body chemistry is fine, in which case seeing your doctor/psychiatrist will help to determine what's going on.
What are some healthy coping strategies to use between the time of realizing a problem and dealing with it?
I really hate myself for what I am about to say because it is advice I heard in high school alot and it just sounded too cliche and overly simplistic to have any merit but...
Fake it till you make it. Seriously, you just have to pretend to be the person you'd like to be for a while and eventually it will be second nature.
If you walk into a place and think 'Oh great other people. I am not someone who likes other people so I am going to sit in this corner booth where it is safe.' well you're probably not on the speediest track to a healthy change.
However if you walk into a place and think, 'How would the extroverted socially adept person I'd like to be handle this situation? why he would strike up a conversation with the gentleman standing next to him of course'.
Uhhh. That would depend on the problem and your goals.
This is good advice, but I want to argue the notion that what you're doing is "faking it." Making a conscious attempt to change your behavior is one of the best things you can do. The difference between that and what you heard in high school is that you're trying to change your behavior to achieve an inner goal of change, whereas "fake it till you make it" implies that you're forcing behavior that is opposed to your identity in order to achieve a practical goal.
It doesn't hurt that, if you really think about it, people are really interesting.
I know... I was 22 and in my senior year of college when I figured it out. :P
"Fake it to make it" is still true, because even if you're negative person and tell yourself positive things you don't believe, you can keep doing it until it actually happens. If you dislike people, you can keep telling yourself, whether you believe it or not, that people are worth liking and you may see a change in your outlook.
Sorry, I don't think I was clear. It's not the behavior that I think is different, it's the goals. The version you hear in high school says, behave in a way that is against your personality in order to achieve a practical goal, such as getting along with people or graduating with high grades. This version says, behave in a way that is against your personality in order to achieve the goal of changing your personality in a positive way.
Yeah, as a matter of fact I have adult ADHD, so I take Adderall
I uh, tried to quit Adderall about a month ago. Just started up again...it's amazing how much my psyche changed for the worse (I thought I had developed my own coping skills to deal...uh yeah no). I'd get irrationally angry quickly- I'm a very passive guy- I had major focus issues, memory issues
I mean yeah. Sometimes you have a mental disorder that needs meds to help treat it. There's nothing, you know, wrong with that
I use the A->B->C method of dealing if my cyclical moody depression pops up (Rent is just a wonderland of mental disorders! :P)- basically it states A is the event that happens that affects your emotions, B is how you perceive the event, and C is the accompanying emotion
The idea is that A and C are immutable- obviously you can't change what happened, because, well, it happened, and despite what you may think you can stop being angry, or sad or whatever, you can only hide or neglect those toxic emotions, which is harmful
Anyways examining B- your perception- you'll find that if you change how you perceive an event it changes how you feel about it
A good example is if you get yelled at by your boss at work. Your perception of the event is one of the two extremes- "He yelled at me because he's right, I'm a worthless piece of shit" or "Why does the boss have to single me out for ridicule, this is bullshit", which, depending on if you're dominantly passive or aggressive determines whether or not you react with depression/rage, respectively
Instead of your perception being "He yelled at me because he's right, I'm a worthless piece of shit"/"Why does the boss have to single me out for ridicule, this is bullshit", a healthy perception could be something like, "He's just trying to make me work better, I mean yeah it sucks but I made a mistake but it's not worth the overreaction he made it" or "He yelled at me because he was covering his ass, I didn't make a mistake; he's just a weak-willed individual", which would probably have a corresponding emotion such as sadness or anger (which are healthy as long as you recognize that you're sad or angry. Really it's only when you hide/repress the emotions or progress the emotions to either depression or anger that it's really dangerous)
Get things down on paper. Write down the problem, and brainstorm ways to deal with it. Talk about it with friends and family. Get enough sleep, eat well, exercise, etc.