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Friend is cutting
AlwaysNewDepths
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I discovered last weekend that my friend was cutting, and got him to admit to me that he was. He then gave what I imagine to be typical excuses, and when I countered each of them he tried to change the subject, I told him that I would be there for him and if he needs anyone to talk to I would be there.
I believe that part of his habit stems from the fact that his mom just passed a couple months ago after an excruciating battle to cancer. His dad, while his mother was ill, became more neurological and began to try and control every aspect of his life, even prohibiting him to see his aunt and uncle (mom's side). Since his mom's passing his dad has been less crazy, but I'm also beginning to see what I believe to be tendencies of alcoholism rise in my friend as well (It runs in his family).
I'm just confused on how to approach this whole situation. I want to get into contact with the aunt and/or uncle mentioned above, because while his dad makes bs about them, I know they truly care for him. I was planning on possibly taking their numbers from his cell sometime.
I believe that part of his habit stems from the fact that his mom just passed a couple months ago after an excruciating battle to cancer. His dad, while his mother was ill, became more neurological and began to try and control every aspect of his life, even prohibiting him to see his aunt and uncle (mom's side). Since his mom's passing his dad has been less crazy, but I'm also beginning to see what I believe to be tendencies of alcoholism rise in my friend as well (It runs in his family).
I'm just confused on how to approach this whole situation. I want to get into contact with the aunt and/or uncle mentioned above, because while his dad makes bs about them, I know they truly care for him. I was planning on possibly taking their numbers from his cell sometime.
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Well obviously this is a thing he needs to get help for. I'm not saying he is going to just go and kill himself because it doesn't really work that way. It doesn't in any way mean he is suicidal, although it seems like you already know that, some people don't.
But definitely need to get help. If you are in college you should have some sort of health center with a psychological department. Talk to him about maybe seeing them, and if he doesn't want to, talk to them about how you should handle the situation yourself, because it might be kind of stressful on your end as well.
edit: also what were the "excuses" he was giving you? And also definitely do not get the numbers of his family members and get into contact with them about this without him knowing or his permission. Maybe later down the line if it looks like things are just going to get worse, but for now it would probably just make him feel betrayed and etc. And since this isn't necessarily a life threatening situation, it isn't something you need to do that with right away. (Although like I said before, while it might not be all up with the suicidal thing, it might head that direction, in which case you will need to tell them and/or whoever you can to get help immediately)
In any case my friend's situation was similar to your friend's; she was under a lot of pressure for her grades (wanted to go to med school) and she had a pretty awful family situation. She was also anorexic/bulimic and had struggled with that issue for years.
The thing you need to understand here is: EVEN IF you believe your friend is not suicidal (yet) if he's cutting himself he is in danger. ESPECIALLY if his cutting is occurring near an artery. One slip of the blade and he could slice an artery and put himself in mortal danger. So regardless of his "privacy" or whether you have his "consent", you need to get him help NOW. He is playing roulette with a loaded gun; even if you don't *think* there's a bullet in the chamber, you may be wrong.
I cannot stress this enough. GET HIM HELP NOW.
Here are the steps I recommend:
-Talk to your friend. Explain that while his cutting may help him feel better temporarily (because it likely does), ask him if he realizes he's putting himself in mortal danger.
-Ask him to please go to counseling, or to see a school psychiatrist/psychologist. (your school should have one... I hope...) Tell him you will go with him, you just want him to talk to someone who is knowledgable and trustworthy.
-Basically take as many steps as possible to encourage him to help himself, but dont' let this drag on. If he doesn't seem to be helping himself, you need to talk to SOMEONE. Your dorm RA, anyone with authority. If you have to get his family member's numbers off the phone, DO IT.
You need to understand: When it becomes a dangerous situation like this, you need to do something, with or without his consent.
Also I don't think you really understand. It takes a lot more than an accidental slip of the blade to do that kind of damage. You are over reacting.
Op doesn't have to be so drastic right off the bat. You need to start out slow instead of going into full on panic mode. Talk to them first. It actually makes me kind of mad that the other person put "privacy" and "consent" in quotes.
Do NOT go blabbing to all of his friends/family that he's doing this, it's just going to make him feel more alienated and alone and people in general don't know how to cope with it.
Do NOT freak out and start telling him that he's accidentally going to bite it by screwing up his slices. In my experience a lot of cutters are actually pretty controlled about what they're doing.
Do NOT try to take away his blades/cutting implements. That just means that the next time he goes to do it, he'll do it with something makeshift that's probably a lot less sanitary or controllable.
Don't try to force him into some kind of therapy if he really doesn't want to go. Therapy isn't going to work if he doesn't believe in it and isn't willing to try it at all, and oftentimes contacting the authorities leads to a cutter being stuffed into some kind of institutional situation and getting exposed to a bunch of other cutters. Contrary to what seems to be popular belief, this is not a healthy situation. Cutters grouped with other cutters tend to share tips on better ways to cut, not help each other to stop.
I can't speak for all cutters, but I know that for me and for a majority of the other cutters I've known the root of the reason for it was feeling trapped in a situation or environment and feeling helpless about being able to escape or do anything about it. At a quick read through that might be the same way that he's feeling. You aren't really going to be able to get him to stop until he's able to make some progress toward fixing what's causing him to do it.
Here's some stuff you can do for him: Be there for him, cutters can be black holes for attention and I don't want to say enable him or anything, but cutting is generally a private thing (ie: not when people are around or when you can't find someone to talk/vent to). If he says he's wants to/is going to cut in front of you and you can stomach it, let him, that's a good thing because that shows a lot of trust and that's your chance to tell him that you care about him and wish he wouldn't do it. That shows that you really do understand what's going on, you really do care, and it gives you a lot of credibility in asking him to stop.
There is a decent book about it if you'd like to know more: Cutting by Levenkron. Also, I'd be happy to answer any questions or give any perspective you might need (including long winded first hand experiences) if you want to toss me a PM.
I am also an ex-cutter and have attempted suicide. Anything anyone is saying to the contrary is fucking wrong and they are dumbasses who know nothing about the subject. I hope they are not my friends if I ever cut again because their overreactions would only embarrass me publicly, make me feel worse about myself, and cause me to never trust them again and push them away as friends.
He is almost certainly not actively suicidal. He is in no physical danger. The scars are a bitch, I hate mine, but that's likely all he'll end up with. You might suggest he do it somewhere concealable, top of the thighs is good.
Really, this is no business of yours. It changes nothing. You are still his friend. What you do is remain his friend. If he wants to talk about it, you listen, but you don't bring it up after initially letting him know that you're cool to talk to. If you do, he gets pissed off and pushes you away. He'll quit when he's ready and nothing you can do will make that day come any sooner, whereas it is quite possible to alienate him and make him cut even more. You've already suggested counselling; leave it at that. Just keep hanging out with him, don't change what you do or say, just be normal. What he needs is friends, and that is honestly the best thing you can do for him.
If he ever SAYS anything about killing himself, THEN you go talk to one of your school therapists and work out what to do with them. You do NOT tell his family or the police unless he is saying he is going to kill himself right now and they are the only people who can physically stop him. That will fuck up his life even more. If he says he is generally suicidal you talk to the counsellor and they will call him up and get him to come in, but you only tell anyone else if he is in absolute immediate danger. I will repeat, if he does not say he is suicidal, assume he is not, unless he starts acting like it (talking about how life isn't worth living, giving away all his stuff, suddenly (and I mean very suddenly) acting very withdrawn) in which case you again tell a counsellor.
It is a very unhealthy way of dealing with things, and can go on for a very, very long time.