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Just found out something horrible...
1ddqd
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
...and yet, I don't know what it is. Am I in shock? Am I really that far removed from someone I thought was a friend?
Spoilered for explanation/long/getting off my chest
tldr: had a really cool roommate, kindred spirits, fell out of touch after a year or so. Read last line in spoiler to get full picture.
How should I deal with this? I have a girlfriend who knew him and spent some time hanging out with us in college while we were rooming together, we'll be talking after I get off work. But...it's almost like I feel guilty for not feeling quite as fucked up as I should?
Spoilered for explanation/long/getting off my chest
I went to a decent-sized commuter school in north Texas for my college. I stayed in the dorms on campus and since there weren't that many and it was a "private" dorm, roommates were hit or miss - either you got along, or you didn't. One year I was roomies with a guy we'll call Mike.
Mike came from an east Texas town (small city, I'd guess) and was very much a kindred spirit - into gaming/internet culture/pc modding even. Sort of an anomaly given how he should stereotypically behave (I was raised in east Texas too, so I knew what I *should* expect). Anyways.
He was pretty cool, but had some mood issues. He had a boyfriend named we'll call John and while their relationship was a little rocky, they worked pretty well together. Mike helped create and maintain the beginnings of a really epic little group on campus (revolved around gaming). In fact, he's the one who helped me come up with my current tag - my old one was, let's say, juvenile.
It's been a few years since I saw him last. He dropped out of school after a couple years because he became jaded with the schools programming degree program. He moved back home after a year staying afloat nearby and we've kept in sparse contact since (I have weird hours, his schedule never matched up either) but we talked occasionally.
Earlier this afternoon I got a call from a friend saying Mike killed himself last night. I guess the problem is, I feel bad, but I don't feel as sad or messed up as I think I should be. It doesn't feel real to me.
Mike came from an east Texas town (small city, I'd guess) and was very much a kindred spirit - into gaming/internet culture/pc modding even. Sort of an anomaly given how he should stereotypically behave (I was raised in east Texas too, so I knew what I *should* expect). Anyways.
He was pretty cool, but had some mood issues. He had a boyfriend named we'll call John and while their relationship was a little rocky, they worked pretty well together. Mike helped create and maintain the beginnings of a really epic little group on campus (revolved around gaming). In fact, he's the one who helped me come up with my current tag - my old one was, let's say, juvenile.
It's been a few years since I saw him last. He dropped out of school after a couple years because he became jaded with the schools programming degree program. He moved back home after a year staying afloat nearby and we've kept in sparse contact since (I have weird hours, his schedule never matched up either) but we talked occasionally.
Earlier this afternoon I got a call from a friend saying Mike killed himself last night. I guess the problem is, I feel bad, but I don't feel as sad or messed up as I think I should be. It doesn't feel real to me.
tldr: had a really cool roommate, kindred spirits, fell out of touch after a year or so. Read last line in spoiler to get full picture.
How should I deal with this? I have a girlfriend who knew him and spent some time hanging out with us in college while we were rooming together, we'll be talking after I get off work. But...it's almost like I feel guilty for not feeling quite as fucked up as I should?
1ddqd on
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that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
The fact of the matter is death is all around us my son. It will help to take solace in the fact that Mike took his own life, instead of having it violently or tragically taken away from him.
If he wanted to end his life, then it should be his right to do so. He did nothing wrong, he did not go on a violent shooting spree and take down several others before ending his own life, he just decided to end peacefully.
The last time someone close to me died (my grandfather, 2 years ago January) I took it pretty hard, but I didn't outwardly show anything. I'm wondering if I've walled myself off too much? Maybe I'll see in a couple days or so :-/
I completely and totally respect their decision. They were old. My grandmother was very ill. They didn't want to be apart for any amount of time. I don't feel sad that they did it, though it was terribly sad and still is that I'll never see them again.. they felt their lives were ready to end, and I respect that, and I seem to always surprise people with my cool-headed response to it.
But.
Even 6 years later, I am terribly, violently hurt that they didn't trust me enough to say goodbye. People always seem to find that a weird outlet for the emotion.
Basically, whatever you feel or don't feel is fine. I don't know that joy is entirely appropriate here, but suicide is a very difficult thing to know how to deal with even when you aren't close. Don't beat yourself up about how you feel.
How can you be so wrong and so confident at the same time?
My grandma died 3 weeks ago, thinking about that I feel nothing. Everytime someone in your life dies, you take it differently. Either hard or easy or something in between. Just try to be there for those in your life who also knew the person.
You can't really expect to feel epic emotions for every person who passes through your life. The dude's suicide was a tragedy, probably most deeply felt by those who actually close to him.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
I've got some stories, I've known a few suicides, and I've yet to be powerfully moved by anyone's death.
It's not a bad thing, everyone just handles loss differently.
Because I don't think I am? You are talking about your best friend who changed your life and this guy is talking about a college roomate he liked hanging out with?
to the memorial and see old faces and hear stories that trudge up memories about him. At this moment it sounds like he was pretty far removed from your daily life, your reaction sounds pretty appropriate.
A month back a good friend of mine from high school killed himself. I heard the news and was shocked, but I didn't grieve. The morning of the viewing I spent with my girlfriend and she was really tender and supportive, but I was still numb to it. Finally at the viewing, seeing his mom crying, is what set me off. And with some deaths in my life (there have been many) nothing ever 'set me off'.
The amount of grieving that is healthy is the amount that you're comfortable with. Don't lie to yourself, don't have any external 'expectations' of how you 'should' feel... just be honest, and realize everyone reacts differently. There's nothing wrong with you if you're stalwart- or a basketcase.
You're under no obligation to feel devastated by the passing of a person that you've downgraded to "facebook friend" status years ago.