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Interalizing Work Stress
Endomatic
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I am an introvert for the most part.
I like spending time alone and a lot of the time, prefer it.
I have an issue though.
I was reading on this forum last night about someone who explained some differences between introverts and extroverts, and how introverted people tend to internalize the things that people say and the way that people behave.
I recognized this in myself IMMEDIATELY. I do this. I'm fucking sick of it.
The root of my problem is work related (long story):
Am I just being a baby? Do I just need to toughen up? Or do I have a legitimate claim here? I really don't believe that I deserve to be the waste bin of some other persons shitty emotions.
So here I am.
How do I develop a thicker skin? I've made progress towards this in the last few years. Trying not to let people's opinions and behaviors have an effect on how I'm feeling. It's slow going. This internalization is a behavior that I've learned (I believe at this point) from my parents (my mother to be specific) and I'm having a difficult time unlearning it.
In summary,
I just want to be unburdened by what random people think or feel about me, or any actions I've taken and have it not affect my thoughts or feelings in a social/work setting unless what I've done is objectively wrong.
Is there anyone that has gone through a situation like this before? I'm really just not sure how to move forward. It seems a little more complicated than telling myself that I just shouldn't care. That only goes so far, and can really become detrimental to a healthy thought process I think if I rely on that phrase or feeling too often for too many things.
I don't want to become apathetic towards things in life. That's the worst thing that can happen, and it's already starting to get that way. I want to stop/reverse this development and work toward something a little more healthy.
Thanks for reading.
I like spending time alone and a lot of the time, prefer it.
I have an issue though.
I was reading on this forum last night about someone who explained some differences between introverts and extroverts, and how introverted people tend to internalize the things that people say and the way that people behave.
I recognized this in myself IMMEDIATELY. I do this. I'm fucking sick of it.
The root of my problem is work related (long story):
I have a co worker who externalizes everything. She is 60, of French descent, and of a larger stature. She can be very intimidating. She has the most powerful ability to give someone a shitty look that I've ever seen in my life. No lies. I've not seen a dirtier look than those of hers.
She also has the capacity to be extremely kind, giving and funny.
You never know what kind of day it's going to be!
If she has a poor experience with a customer, they yell at her, threaten her, demand things and just basically act like assholes, she will manage to keep a smile, talk evenly and act professionally, as she should.
However, the moment that the person in question is gone, she will immediately start to "vomit" (for the lack of a better word) all the anger, frustrations and bad feelings on to me.
She will pretend I am the person that is making her angry and say to me what she really wishes she could say to those people. This is wrong as a behavior, but it goes further than this for me.
When she says these things to me, I internalize them.
I can't even accurately explain how I feel because it's really odd. I feel like I'm absorbing or taking on the raw anger and emotion that she exudes.
I know the words are not meant for me, but yet her tone of voice and words are extremely angry and bitter, and I cannot help but feel they are directed at me, even though I know they aren't meant for me.
To cap this off, she frequently makes passive aggressive comments that ARE directed at me (because there is no one else around) and I internalize those as well! These are all result from poor customer experiences.
How am I supposed to feel if someone YELLS AT ME "Fuck you, you jerk! I'm not giving you shit/doing shit for you! You come in here and threaten me?! That's not in my job description, FUCK YOU!"
She will repeat the conversation/situational details to me and her thoughts and responses to those things several times a day ABOUT THE SAME THING. If 1 customer pisses her off, I have to hear about 9 or 10 times throughout the day.
I consciously know that I'm not the source of her anger, yet I am the one that takes on all that emotional baggage. Does this make sense?
My entire issue is that I need to stop internalizing and letting shit like this make me feel bad. It shouldn't. I know that. I try to tell myself that. But it does. It stresses me the fuck out, and makes me feel like I'm walking on egg shells all day. She is angry all day when she has a situation like this and it's really starting to make me miserable.
My work situation is such that it is me and this person ONLY. TOGETHER. FOR 10 hours a day, every day (I get 5 days off every 2 weeks). I can't avoid her, the work space isn't large enough.
I'm not talking about someone who likes Glenn Beck (she does), thinks that Bush was a great President (she does), better for the country than Clinton (she does). These things don't really bother me, they are opinions that do not involve me directly so it's not issue. The real reason I bring this up is to relay more of her character to you.
It's the passive aggressive comments like, "Why am I the only one that cleans up?!!?!?!", when it's abundantly clear that I've just spent the morning vacuuming the floors, and arranging the stock room.
Or when I'll sell something to a certain type of person (say an older person) and she'll say something like "You sold that for too much, you should have given them more money off".
The problem is that if I react to these, and start a discussion, it quickly develops into a NANANANA I'M NOT LISTENING YOU'RE WRONG I'M RIGHT type of thing. If I ignore the comments, then I get the silent treatment in return. As a newer employee, if I need to know something, and get the silent treatment from her, and can't get it, I could lose commission, or get in trouble, or end up with an angry customer if things end up not going smoothly in the transaction.
I know that if I ask her to stop complaining and yelling at me, she will just tell me to develop a thicker skin (which she has already told me to do). She will ignore me, act passive aggressively and just basically behave like an adolescent. I want to avoid this, as things are stressful enough what with being on commission in a severely depressed economy. This plays into why she behaves like she does, but she doesn't seem to realize that the shitty economy is affecting me as well. She's a better salesperson than I am, with a life times worth of more experience, and thus makes quite a bit more money than I do and yet still complains to me about how she doesn't make enough. I do not need to hear that shit.
She also has the capacity to be extremely kind, giving and funny.
You never know what kind of day it's going to be!
If she has a poor experience with a customer, they yell at her, threaten her, demand things and just basically act like assholes, she will manage to keep a smile, talk evenly and act professionally, as she should.
However, the moment that the person in question is gone, she will immediately start to "vomit" (for the lack of a better word) all the anger, frustrations and bad feelings on to me.
She will pretend I am the person that is making her angry and say to me what she really wishes she could say to those people. This is wrong as a behavior, but it goes further than this for me.
When she says these things to me, I internalize them.
I can't even accurately explain how I feel because it's really odd. I feel like I'm absorbing or taking on the raw anger and emotion that she exudes.
I know the words are not meant for me, but yet her tone of voice and words are extremely angry and bitter, and I cannot help but feel they are directed at me, even though I know they aren't meant for me.
To cap this off, she frequently makes passive aggressive comments that ARE directed at me (because there is no one else around) and I internalize those as well! These are all result from poor customer experiences.
How am I supposed to feel if someone YELLS AT ME "Fuck you, you jerk! I'm not giving you shit/doing shit for you! You come in here and threaten me?! That's not in my job description, FUCK YOU!"
She will repeat the conversation/situational details to me and her thoughts and responses to those things several times a day ABOUT THE SAME THING. If 1 customer pisses her off, I have to hear about 9 or 10 times throughout the day.
I consciously know that I'm not the source of her anger, yet I am the one that takes on all that emotional baggage. Does this make sense?
My entire issue is that I need to stop internalizing and letting shit like this make me feel bad. It shouldn't. I know that. I try to tell myself that. But it does. It stresses me the fuck out, and makes me feel like I'm walking on egg shells all day. She is angry all day when she has a situation like this and it's really starting to make me miserable.
My work situation is such that it is me and this person ONLY. TOGETHER. FOR 10 hours a day, every day (I get 5 days off every 2 weeks). I can't avoid her, the work space isn't large enough.
I'm not talking about someone who likes Glenn Beck (she does), thinks that Bush was a great President (she does), better for the country than Clinton (she does). These things don't really bother me, they are opinions that do not involve me directly so it's not issue. The real reason I bring this up is to relay more of her character to you.
It's the passive aggressive comments like, "Why am I the only one that cleans up?!!?!?!", when it's abundantly clear that I've just spent the morning vacuuming the floors, and arranging the stock room.
Or when I'll sell something to a certain type of person (say an older person) and she'll say something like "You sold that for too much, you should have given them more money off".
The problem is that if I react to these, and start a discussion, it quickly develops into a NANANANA I'M NOT LISTENING YOU'RE WRONG I'M RIGHT type of thing. If I ignore the comments, then I get the silent treatment in return. As a newer employee, if I need to know something, and get the silent treatment from her, and can't get it, I could lose commission, or get in trouble, or end up with an angry customer if things end up not going smoothly in the transaction.
I know that if I ask her to stop complaining and yelling at me, she will just tell me to develop a thicker skin (which she has already told me to do). She will ignore me, act passive aggressively and just basically behave like an adolescent. I want to avoid this, as things are stressful enough what with being on commission in a severely depressed economy. This plays into why she behaves like she does, but she doesn't seem to realize that the shitty economy is affecting me as well. She's a better salesperson than I am, with a life times worth of more experience, and thus makes quite a bit more money than I do and yet still complains to me about how she doesn't make enough. I do not need to hear that shit.
Am I just being a baby? Do I just need to toughen up? Or do I have a legitimate claim here? I really don't believe that I deserve to be the waste bin of some other persons shitty emotions.
So here I am.
How do I develop a thicker skin? I've made progress towards this in the last few years. Trying not to let people's opinions and behaviors have an effect on how I'm feeling. It's slow going. This internalization is a behavior that I've learned (I believe at this point) from my parents (my mother to be specific) and I'm having a difficult time unlearning it.
In summary,
I just want to be unburdened by what random people think or feel about me, or any actions I've taken and have it not affect my thoughts or feelings in a social/work setting unless what I've done is objectively wrong.
Is there anyone that has gone through a situation like this before? I'm really just not sure how to move forward. It seems a little more complicated than telling myself that I just shouldn't care. That only goes so far, and can really become detrimental to a healthy thought process I think if I rely on that phrase or feeling too often for too many things.
I don't want to become apathetic towards things in life. That's the worst thing that can happen, and it's already starting to get that way. I want to stop/reverse this development and work toward something a little more healthy.
Thanks for reading.
Endomatic on
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Otherwise, counter her bitching with, "Yeah, but what do you need me to do about it?" You'll probably get that look, but counter it with, "No, seriously, what do you need me to do?" It will make it abundantly clear that her bitching is not getting anything done and she'll either get you to do something or shut the hell up.
Of course, she's a miserable bitch, so you'll probably be back in here in a week asking for advice on some new way she's discovered to make your life shitty.
Also, I'd tell your boss that she's pressuring you to give out needless discounts. This ain't a fucking charity you're running here.
The actual weird thing about my job is that we don't have a manager. There are 4 employees including me, and we sort of self-manage, which has been somewhat of a disaster as you can imagine.
As a result, since my employment (6 months ago), I've never had a manager. I know my job, and do it. It's not hard, and there really isn't a lot to it. There are Area Sales Managers who reside in a metropolitan area about 250 kms (155 mi) away. They're pretty good people for the most part, and I usually ask them for advice and stuff, which I've already done in addition to this post.
I don't really think her swearing and anger requires reprimand, and I KNOW the ASM that hired me (and who I asked for advice/intervention) has worked with her, and knows exactly what I mean.
I'm confident something will be done (most likely, a work partner swap), and that will do in the interim, but I do probably need to develop a thicker skin or a change in attitude that allows me to deal with situations like this in a better way.
Right now it just stresses me out, depresses me and really just saps my energy. Some of the other guys are able to mitigate her behavior better than I can but the only advice they offer is to ignore her. I've tried this in some capacity, but it usually doesn't play out well.
To add things further to my frustration, I wasn't trained properly. My experience in the field was limited, and there is supposedly a program that the company runs for most employees to introduce them to the industry, tactics and all that kind of thing. I didn't get this. I got a hand holding through the manual and a tour of a factory.
Then when I arrived to where I work, I had no real mentor.
I had to figure it out as I go along. Making mistakes, learning from them and all that. Which is okay I guess. Not efficient in any manner, but it's certainly a way of doing things in a literal sense.
Every time I do something wrong, she always tries to put a guilt trip on me about it. Especially if she has to do anything to help me or fix the situation. Because she knows how to do it, and I don't (or didn't at the time).
My whole work situation is just a clusterfuck in its entirety.
She's selfish and demanding, and thinks she's the only person who exists in the world. She doesn't work with other people so much as demand that they do things. She thinks she's the center of the universe, and she is the only person who knows what's going on in her limited world view, and the only way to get these things done is to cry until they're magically fixed.
And the most important thing to remember is that she's wearing a diaper.
How her outpouring of these situation affects me and stress me out but her answer is that "This is how I vent. Get a thicker skin."
I told her I didn't want to argue, and she told me I better not get shitty with her.
Part of the problem I think is that I view the situation as almost tangible.
I feel like she is physically putting these shitty emotions on me. I feel heavier with them. I know it sounds silly, but it's difficult to describe how it affects me.
I want to try and change how I think about these kinds of things, but I'm not sure how to go about it.
CBT?
Tony Robbins?
So far I have just been trying to actively tell myself that I shouldn't think of these situations in such and such a way because it's self defeating. It works to an extent, but I'm curious if there is a better way.
Tell her you aren't her fucking therapist, and this shit isn't your problem.
You need a thicker skin? What a load of horse shit, she's the one that isn't able to deal with her own frustrations and is coping by lashing out at others.
Just walk away when she flips her shit. If you keep internalizing stuff like this for too long, you'll end up venting your own frustrations. Maybe it'll be ok and be something like having a couple of beers after work. Then again, maybe it'll be you losing your cool and beating the seven shades of shit out of her one day. If she wants to know why you're leaving, just tell her that you're not going to deal with her because defusing her temper is not what you are getting paid to do. She'll likely get even more pissed at that point so make sure that you've covered your bases by letting other people in the company know what you're dealing with and how you plan to fix it.