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My Friend the Douche
Richard_Dastardly
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I don't have many friends. I prefer this because too many friends means too many plans and responsibilities and, frankly, I enjoy spending way too much time alone. So, basically I have two friends and a handful of acquaintances. It's the perfect number to balance socialising with time with the wife and solitude.
However, one of the guys I consider a friend broke a sacred trust. I confided in him something I didn't want anyone else to know, and he then proceeded to loose his blubbery lips and cause me untold amounts of personal humiliation. I've talked to him about what he did and he just came up with some lame excuse and either couldn't see or refused to see how he'd hurt me. I've always known this guy was a douche, but he was my douche and, above all, I thought I could trust him. Now I know I can't, but I'm not quite sure as to whether or not I should tell him to fuck off completely.
Before you start, I know the answer is obvious. But, there's a complication. I'm thirty now, and I feel this need to hold on to things that connect me to my not-so-distant youth. This dude, for all his grand douchery, is one of the few links I have left. So, although I still get angry at his betrayal, I'm having a hard time severing that link.
So, perhaps you have some insight? Pardon if this is vague; I'm just about to leave the office so I'm rushing to get my thoughts out.
However, one of the guys I consider a friend broke a sacred trust. I confided in him something I didn't want anyone else to know, and he then proceeded to loose his blubbery lips and cause me untold amounts of personal humiliation. I've talked to him about what he did and he just came up with some lame excuse and either couldn't see or refused to see how he'd hurt me. I've always known this guy was a douche, but he was my douche and, above all, I thought I could trust him. Now I know I can't, but I'm not quite sure as to whether or not I should tell him to fuck off completely.
Before you start, I know the answer is obvious. But, there's a complication. I'm thirty now, and I feel this need to hold on to things that connect me to my not-so-distant youth. This dude, for all his grand douchery, is one of the few links I have left. So, although I still get angry at his betrayal, I'm having a hard time severing that link.
So, perhaps you have some insight? Pardon if this is vague; I'm just about to leave the office so I'm rushing to get my thoughts out.
Richard_Dastardly on
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But douche friends from your youth are not worth it in the end, I've come to find finally.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
Neither path is really superior. Either you think he's worth keeping around in spite of his douchiness, or he isn't; it's that simple.
Choice is easy, either you let it go and don't ever tell him any more secrets, or you don't let it go and end the friendship. Hanging on to youth by keeping around a friend who you can't trust is a waste of time though.
I have a buddy who I enjoy hanging out with but who runs his mouth about everything; that's fine, because I know that I can't really tell him personal things. If I didn't enjoy his company otherwise though, I'd cut bait.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
There are some people who are douchebags but it doesn't matter because in other ways they still add to your life. Others however just aren't worth the effort. Think back on your relationship with this guy, has he caused you grief or happiness in general? I used to be the kind of person who tried to stay on good terms with everyone even if they did nothing but make me unhappy and trust me you don't want to be that guy.
Some people in life just take what they can get from you either physically or emotionally. Those people aren't worth keeping around for any reason.
It is an easy choice. I have a tendency to spend months considering shit and in the end come up with a lame reason to keep the status quo. My thought process is like a retarded entmoot. There are other things that weigh on my decision, anyway. And they're not good things. I've tried thinking about what I actually get out of the friendship. I get nothing, actually, except that he's the only dude willing to help me haul furniture around.
I've already burned a lot of bridges. Quite a few more crumbled apart as I neglected funding the infrastructure. How do you go about breaking up with a dude, though, without burning the bridge?
We have memories, that's all. And, for a looooooong time we were really tight. But, in a way this guy is like all the clutter I have in my basement that I can't bring myself to toss.
Dispatch is right, you don't need to burn any bridges or make a big to do about it, just stop making plans with the guy, and if you must hang out socially in a group, don't go out of your way to engage him. You don't have to be a dick though, even if you're hurt and pissed about it, that's only going to create drama in your life, Jesus had it right when he talked about that whole forgive and forget thing. I used to love to hold grudges, and man...what a waste of time that was.
In general, I wouldn't emotionally invest so heavily in friendships, particularly if you know the person is a douche- (especially if you only have 2 Friends with a capital F because if you think of them that way you're also putting yourself in a position where you're 2 Friends away from zero)
You actually remind me of one of my friends who's pretty reclusive/solitary and made pretty good friends with a douchebag who used him for free math tutoring for all his assignments, mooched weed and other sundry goods and did things like not pay him for something that he sold to the guy and made the mistake of giving him time with the money. (He eventually went and took his item back, the douche paid him, and now they're "friends" again, though a little less close)
I guess my point is be a better judge of character or people will take advantage of you. Also, loosen up your definition of "friend" because you're pretty much just limiting yourself this way, douchebags or not.
I hung onto friends I knew from way back for a long time... then after a period of stress with the relationships, I realized that I was holding onto the relationships I HAD, and the ones I HAVE were crappy for whatever reason. I'm not sure anything I've ever done has been so freeing as letting those relationships fade into the background. I still have the memories of good times; those didn't go away, and as an added bonus I no longer have to put up with stupid high school bullshit. I have a few friends now I might tell anything to, and I have my husband who *almost* entirely satisfies that itch anyway, and I'm much, much happier than I was when I was trying to hang onto ancient, fraying threads of friendship with people I can no longer stand.
I think this is spot on, but I think when you say you're friend is a douche it's not quite accurate. A douche friend might spill your secrets, but only an asshole is non-apologetic about it when confronted.
My recommendation based on my own personal experience only is to end it. It doesn't need to be some big dramatic thing. As others have said, just stop making plans with him. Don't call him. That's kind of how I did it. I pretty much just quit chatting or calling him, most not initiating any conversation, and given my former friend's assholishness, that ended it quickly because he couldn't be bothered to try to contact me.
Ending a friendship like that, especially if it's been one you've had for a long time, might hurt at first, but you move on with your life. It's like amputating a finger. It's going to be a quick hurt, it might hurt a lot at first, but the alternative is to let it fester and more pain and damage over a longer period of time, and then probably lose it anyway. Better to get it over with now rather than cause more problems by letting things go on.