My Friend the Douche

Richard_DastardlyRichard_Dastardly Registered User regular
edited December 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
I don't have many friends. I prefer this because too many friends means too many plans and responsibilities and, frankly, I enjoy spending way too much time alone. So, basically I have two friends and a handful of acquaintances. It's the perfect number to balance socialising with time with the wife and solitude.

However, one of the guys I consider a friend broke a sacred trust. I confided in him something I didn't want anyone else to know, and he then proceeded to loose his blubbery lips and cause me untold amounts of personal humiliation. I've talked to him about what he did and he just came up with some lame excuse and either couldn't see or refused to see how he'd hurt me. I've always known this guy was a douche, but he was my douche and, above all, I thought I could trust him. Now I know I can't, but I'm not quite sure as to whether or not I should tell him to fuck off completely.

Before you start, I know the answer is obvious. But, there's a complication. I'm thirty now, and I feel this need to hold on to things that connect me to my not-so-distant youth. This dude, for all his grand douchery, is one of the few links I have left. So, although I still get angry at his betrayal, I'm having a hard time severing that link.

So, perhaps you have some insight? Pardon if this is vague; I'm just about to leave the office so I'm rushing to get my thoughts out.

Richard_Dastardly on

Posts

  • InfidelInfidel Heretic Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Damage done, if you want to continue a friendship with him then just remember that you can't entrust secrets with him.

    But douche friends from your youth are not worth it in the end, I've come to find finally.

    Infidel on
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  • Robos A Go GoRobos A Go Go Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    There are better ways to reconnect with your youth than by having douchey friends. Buy an NES and play Duck Hunt or something.

    Robos A Go Go on
  • matt has a problemmatt has a problem Points to 'off' Points to 'on'Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Someone blabbing something they shouldn't isn't that uncommon. Everyone makes that mistake at some point. The fact he either didn't or wouldn't understand how much it upset you though means he doesn't really care. He got more pleasure out of spilling a secret you told him in confidence than he does from you as a friend, which makes him someone you don't need to have around.

    matt has a problem on
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  • ihmmyihmmy Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Some people are just way too damn talkative. My fiance's sister is one of those people. I still think she's fun to hang with and chat with, but I simply don't tell her anything confidential, or possibly embarrassing, or that I wouldn't want the whole damn world to know. So, if he's worth keeping around in your books, I'd just make sure you didn't tell him anything secret-like. ever again.

    ihmmy on
  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    You either dump him, or keep him as a friend with the knowledge that he is a douche, and act accordingly around him.

    Neither path is really superior. Either you think he's worth keeping around in spite of his douchiness, or he isn't; it's that simple.

    Thanatos on
  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    As a guy who's blabbed a few choice secrets from some of his friends, maybe he didn't do it because he's an asshole, maybe he's just really good at putting his foot in his mouth like me. (In my defense some of my friends like to live this double life and I apparently don't comprehend the delineations between their persona's, but I've never blabbed something someone asked me in strict confidence not to.)

    Choice is easy, either you let it go and don't ever tell him any more secrets, or you don't let it go and end the friendship. Hanging on to youth by keeping around a friend who you can't trust is a waste of time though.

    Dark_Side on
  • KalTorakKalTorak One way or another, they all end up in the Undercity.Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    If you cut it off, assuming you don't burn your bridges as hard as you can (which you probably shouldn't anyway - messy with no real point), there's no reason you can't reconnect with him should he decide to grow up. I lost touch with friends for a while because we just weren't connecting anymore or I felt like they were being immature, but after a while we started talking again and they aren't as douchey as they used to be.

    KalTorak on
  • Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    what is the use of remaining friends with someone because he's "a link to your youth?" do other people from your youth all live in his basement or something?

    I have a buddy who I enjoy hanging out with but who runs his mouth about everything; that's fine, because I know that I can't really tell him personal things. If I didn't enjoy his company otherwise though, I'd cut bait.

    Eat it You Nasty Pig. on
    hold your head high soldier, it ain't over yet
    that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
  • CasualCasual Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    With every person you are friends with you have to ask yourself, "does this person have a positive or negative effect on my life?".

    There are some people who are douchebags but it doesn't matter because in other ways they still add to your life. Others however just aren't worth the effort. Think back on your relationship with this guy, has he caused you grief or happiness in general? I used to be the kind of person who tried to stay on good terms with everyone even if they did nothing but make me unhappy and trust me you don't want to be that guy.

    Some people in life just take what they can get from you either physically or emotionally. Those people aren't worth keeping around for any reason.

    Casual on
  • Richard_DastardlyRichard_Dastardly Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Dark_Side wrote: »
    Choice is easy, either you let it go and don't ever tell him any more secrets, or you don't let it go and end the friendship. Hanging on to youth by keeping around a friend who you can't trust is a waste of time though.

    It is an easy choice. I have a tendency to spend months considering shit and in the end come up with a lame reason to keep the status quo. My thought process is like a retarded entmoot. There are other things that weigh on my decision, anyway. And they're not good things. I've tried thinking about what I actually get out of the friendship. I get nothing, actually, except that he's the only dude willing to help me haul furniture around.

    I've already burned a lot of bridges. Quite a few more crumbled apart as I neglected funding the infrastructure. How do you go about breaking up with a dude, though, without burning the bridge?
    what is the use of remaining friends with someone because he's "a link to your youth?" do other people from your youth all live in his basement or something?
    We have memories, that's all. And, for a looooooong time we were really tight. But, in a way this guy is like all the clutter I have in my basement that I can't bring myself to toss.

    Richard_Dastardly on
  • dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Just stop hanging out or if you must hang out, don't tell him shit until he changes his attitude on trust. Seriously people change and by now you two probably have a lot less in common than when you were 17. It's no crime in making new friends. You may even find a group more settled into similar hobbies and goals as yourself.

    dispatch.o on
  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Dark_Side wrote: »
    Choice is easy, either you let it go and don't ever tell him any more secrets, or you don't let it go and end the friendship. Hanging on to youth by keeping around a friend who you can't trust is a waste of time though.

    It is an easy choice. I have a tendency to spend months considering shit and in the end come up with a lame reason to keep the status quo. My thought process is like a retarded entmoot. There are other things that weigh on my decision, anyway. And they're not good things. I've tried thinking about what I actually get out of the friendship. I get nothing, actually, except that he's the only dude willing to help me haul furniture around.

    I've already burned a lot of bridges. Quite a few more crumbled apart as I neglected funding the infrastructure. How do you go about breaking up with a dude, though, without burning the bridge?
    what is the use of remaining friends with someone because he's "a link to your youth?" do other people from your youth all live in his basement or something?
    We have memories, that's all. And, for a looooooong time we were really tight. But, in a way this guy is like all the clutter I have in my basement that I can't bring myself to toss.

    Dispatch is right, you don't need to burn any bridges or make a big to do about it, just stop making plans with the guy, and if you must hang out socially in a group, don't go out of your way to engage him. You don't have to be a dick though, even if you're hurt and pissed about it, that's only going to create drama in your life, Jesus had it right when he talked about that whole forgive and forget thing. I used to love to hold grudges, and man...what a waste of time that was.

    Dark_Side on
  • SamSam Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    you might want to try not ranking "friends" as well.

    In general, I wouldn't emotionally invest so heavily in friendships, particularly if you know the person is a douche- (especially if you only have 2 Friends with a capital F because if you think of them that way you're also putting yourself in a position where you're 2 Friends away from zero)

    You actually remind me of one of my friends who's pretty reclusive/solitary and made pretty good friends with a douchebag who used him for free math tutoring for all his assignments, mooched weed and other sundry goods and did things like not pay him for something that he sold to the guy and made the mistake of giving him time with the money. (He eventually went and took his item back, the douche paid him, and now they're "friends" again, though a little less close)

    I guess my point is be a better judge of character or people will take advantage of you. Also, loosen up your definition of "friend" because you're pretty much just limiting yourself this way, douchebags or not.

    Sam on
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
    edited December 2009
    I'm a lot like you with regard to how much time I want to spend around others, and the list of people I bother with is pretty slim for that reason.

    I hung onto friends I knew from way back for a long time... then after a period of stress with the relationships, I realized that I was holding onto the relationships I HAD, and the ones I HAVE were crappy for whatever reason. I'm not sure anything I've ever done has been so freeing as letting those relationships fade into the background. I still have the memories of good times; those didn't go away, and as an added bonus I no longer have to put up with stupid high school bullshit. I have a few friends now I might tell anything to, and I have my husband who *almost* entirely satisfies that itch anyway, and I'm much, much happier than I was when I was trying to hang onto ancient, fraying threads of friendship with people I can no longer stand.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • MugaazMugaaz Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Thanatos wrote: »
    You either dump him, or keep him as a friend with the knowledge that he is a douche, and act accordingly around him.

    Neither path is really superior. Either you think he's worth keeping around in spite of his douchiness, or he isn't; it's that simple.

    I think this is spot on, but I think when you say you're friend is a douche it's not quite accurate. A douche friend might spill your secrets, but only an asshole is non-apologetic about it when confronted.

    Mugaaz on
  • DalbozDalboz Resident Puppy Eater Right behind you...Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I've been in a similar situation. Not exactly the same, but similar. I had a friend who I held onto mostly as a link to past memories, but he was also the world's most self-centered asshole.

    My recommendation based on my own personal experience only is to end it. It doesn't need to be some big dramatic thing. As others have said, just stop making plans with him. Don't call him. That's kind of how I did it. I pretty much just quit chatting or calling him, most not initiating any conversation, and given my former friend's assholishness, that ended it quickly because he couldn't be bothered to try to contact me.

    Ending a friendship like that, especially if it's been one you've had for a long time, might hurt at first, but you move on with your life. It's like amputating a finger. It's going to be a quick hurt, it might hurt a lot at first, but the alternative is to let it fester and more pain and damage over a longer period of time, and then probably lose it anyway. Better to get it over with now rather than cause more problems by letting things go on.

    Dalboz on
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