I need to loosen up...

Flay

Okay, first a little background: I'm an 18-year-old Australian male who's just finished their first year of university, studying graphic design. The problem is I'm also one of the most uptight people I know.

Normally I'm quite a friendly person. I don't shy away from conversations (although I'm not always the person to initiate them) and get along with most people. But whenever I get in to some sort of party or club environment, or a gathering with a lot of unfamiliar people I suddenly become very self conscious and this disappears. I don't drink very much, and while I usually tell people it's because I don't like the taste (which is true actually) it's more because I don't feel comfortably doing so, particularly in that environment. I'm also still a virgin, and I've never smoked pot either (and like alcohol don't have any particular desire to do so).

Unfortunately, this limits my social life quite a bit. I'm usually quite happy on my own, but often I feel like I'm being left out; that I'm isolating myself from my friends or that I'm not making the most of my years as a teenager/student. I'd also very much like to find a girlfriend, but I honestly don't know how I'd go about it, or how to tell if a particular person is interested. I get along with girls well (perhaps better than guys, although my friends are a pretty even split) but anyone I get reasonably close to automatically begins to fall in the 'friend' category.

I'm not sure what to do. Any advice?

desperaterobots

Find drinks you like the taste of.

Honestly.

UncleSporky

First and foremost, it's important to realize that not having experienced some of the things you mentioned is nothing to be ashamed of. If you aren't comfortable doing something, then feel free to not do it, rather than forcing yourself to in order to "fit in." Drinking, smoking and sex are leisure activities like anything else, they don't belong on a pedestal as an indicator of whether someone is sufficiently normal or socialized.

It sounds like you want friends of any type, including the ones who do these things, even though you don't necessarily want to have to do them in order to have a relationship. In my experience there are usually people nearby who have the same interests as you, and if they're really going to share a good relationship with you they shouldn't have to base it around a specific activity.

Eat it You Nasty Pig.

You really need to train yourself to overcome your social self-consciousness, and the only real way to do this is to continue to expose yourself to groups of people. This doesn't mean you need to drink to excess, or even drink at all. People at a party don't care if you're holding a beer or a coke or nothing at all as long as you're not being standoffish about it.

desperaterobots

I hate being the one advocating alcohol use since my father is an alcoholic, but my god it helps in this awkward phase. I've mentioned a bunch of times that a few years ago, when I was left without a social network due to a bunch of shit happening, I became really isolated for a time, and after getting sick of it, dived straight back in by getting tipsy and going to a bar when I knew interesting people might be.

You don't need to get vomity-drunk, just lubricate the situation with some liquor, strike up a conversation with someone, interject when you hear something that interests you and hey maybe you'll see them next week or the week after and hey look they're inviting you to a barbeque etc etc etc

Nocturne

Although I think learning how to drink is indeed a valuable skill, I think these things will help a lot more in both the short and long-term:

1) Exercise. It is gauranteed to give you more confidence and all around make you feel better.

2) You may want to look into treatments for social anxiety. Talking to a therapist in addition to medication is much better than medication by itself.

mully

desperaterobots wrote: »

I hate being the one advocating alcohol use since my father is an alcoholic, but my god it helps in this awkward phase. I've mentioned a bunch of times that a few years ago, when I was left without a social network due to a bunch of shit happening, I became really isolated for a time, and after getting sick of it, dived straight back in by getting tipsy and going to a bar when I knew interesting people might be.

You don't need to get vomity-drunk, just lubricate the situation with some liquor, strike up a conversation with someone, interject when you hear something that interests you and hey maybe you'll see them next week or the week after and hey look they're inviting you to a barbeque etc etc etc

I agree with this. A slight buzz in a gathering of folks let's you say what you want to say and people have lower expectations of your personality if they assume you're buzzed. This isn't to say that you have a bad personality, everything I've seen from you I've liked, this is to say that they will expect mediocre and be blown away by your awesomeness.

I did this when I was in the same situation - I found a sketching club in town which happened to meet at pubs, and got a little buzzed. Words flowed. Friends were made. Good times all around.

The alternative is - man-up and just realize that anyone is lucky to know you and be all HEY WHATS GOING ON PAL

Zombiemambo

I just don't like parties, myself. I get the same way. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, necessarily.

Pheezer

Some folks don't party. The solution then is to find friends who also don't go partying every weekend. You're not the only one.

The Cat

Not liking clubs is hardly a problem. Myself, I like to do my socialising in places where I can actually hear the other person talking :P

I think dealing with stuff like this just takes time, mostly, and there's no sense rushing it. I was always super anxious and uptight, but it just started to wear off... well, pretty much after first year uni, actually, and it was just a result of living life and realising that some things don't actually matter that much. I've loosened up a lot, but I've also just gotten more used to myself.

One thing: Definitely don't avoid getting closer to people just because you think they might end up as 'just friends'. More friends is good! And romantic chemistry doesn't crop up nearly as commonly as most people seem to think.

bsjezz

flay you should come out with the se++ sydney crew - i think we're going to plan a barbecue sometime soon, so it should be low-key and fun

there will be alcohol involved almost certainly, but it'll be good alcohol and certainly not such an obnoxious event that if you chose not to drink you'd feel useless

i don't think there will be any girls involved. but you could always be tweaked_bat's boyfriend. we're all pretty gay anyway

edit: what i'm trying to say is that you learn to be comfortable in social groups by integrating yourself into them as often as possible, in as many different situations as possible

Reznik

This might sound a bit weird, but try people-watching.

I don't drink or smoke either, but whenever I'm at a party with friends I just take my cues from how people around are acting. They loosen up a bit, so I loosen up a bit. Just keep hanging out with people and treat it the same as any other situation.

I've found you can have some very interesting conversations with people who've smoked a bit of weed beforehand.

Tweaked_Bat_

I'm the prettiest princess out of all the Sydney people, 'tis true.

Flay

I have a smallish group of friends who I'm very close to (as in lifelong). Some of them are in a way similar to me (but as a side effect this means I sometimes don't see them as much as I'd like), and the others prefer to go partying/clubbing, and so I do sometimes feel like I'm isolating myself from them, even if that's not the case, and I can't interact even with them very well in a highly social environment.

Another problem, which I should have mentioned earlier, is sort of a combination of social anxiety and OCPD. I can enjoy parties for short periods, but my mind inevitably wanders to what I should be doing. I've often pulled out a sketchbook in the middle of a party, making it seem even more like I'm isolating myself. I constantly feel as though I have to be 'productive', which means I don't cope well with sitting down and not doing a great deal for long periods. This applies to other things too - for example, I find it hard to play games for more than about an hour at a time. I've started desensitizing myself to this and I'm making a bit of progress, but I still find it hard to wind down.

Nocturne wrote: »

You may want to look into treatments for social anxiety. Talking to a therapist in addition to medication is much better than medication by itself.

I'll bring it up next time I see her.

The Cat wrote: »

One thing: Definitely don't avoid getting closer to people just because you think they might end up as 'just friends'. More friends is good! And romantic chemistry doesn't crop up nearly as commonly as most people seem to think.

Heh, I always like making new friends, but that's easier said than done. I make new acquaintances very easily, but not many of these go on to be long-lasting friendships. It's hard for me to warm up to people. Also, it depends very much on the environment I'm in. If it's one I feel confident in I can seem almost outgoing and talk very easily, but it's the complete opposite in others.

bsjezz wrote: »

flay you should come out with the se++ sydney crew - i think we're going to plan a barbecue sometime soon, so it should be low-key and fun

Gnh... It's weird. I'm fine talking to everyone on these forums, but I find the prospect of actually meeting anyone pretty intimidating. I'll have to think about it.

Tweaked_Bat_

Don't worry, we're a harmless bunch. Jezz couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag. Keep an eye out on the SE++ Aus thread for developments/news.

The Cat

Flay wrote: »

Heh, I always like making new friends, but that's easier said than done. I make new acquaintances very easily, but not many of these go on to be long-lasting friendships. It's hard for me to warm up to people. Also, it depends very much on the environment I'm in. If it's one I feel confident in I can seem almost outgoing and talk very easily, but it's the complete opposite in others.

That's still pretty normal. True friends like that are rare, you'll probably be able to count them on one hand throughout your life.

Aldo

Try to convince yourself that going out partying for a night is not useless, because it isn't. If not for the sheer enjoyment of having a social life it can also function as a source of inspiration or a way to get connected with people who might be able to improve your career in one way or another.

If you don't like getting drunk you'll also save yourself a few hours by not being hungover the next day, so wahey that's time to be productive while the concurrence is vomiting in the toilet.

Realise that successful people tend to do well in more aspects of life, they get energy out of their private life and can use that to further their professional life. Vice versa their successes in their job give them shit to talk about (assuming it is interesting what you do), a sense of proud and accomplishment and enough material goods to live a pleasant private life.

I think a lot of people are struggling with things like this and I think a lot of people never manage to find a balance and end up getting tired at their job, loafing about in their private life and never doing anything that makes them stand up proud and happy.

(reading back I do sound like a motivational book here. >_<)

So, besides finding parties where people show up you actually have something in common with you really shouldn't feel bad about going to parties.